That Letter, That Heart

"Thoughts and truth too embarrassing to say out loud...but writing them in a letter is fine, isn't it? Your own true heart...Letters are amazing, aren't they?"

The fateful day where Lag would go to Akatsuki had arrived. Lag was to take the express train to the crown-shaped capital, led by Caribs and his dingo, Hazle. Lag was to take a lot of letters along with him- they were stored in large sacks, intended to increase the power of the Letter Bee's heart bullets. These letters contains the hopes of many people, and collected by many of Lag's friends, who had arrived to send him off, with the exception of Moc, and Noir; it was in Moc and the doctor's character to stay with their work on occasions like this, but although he didn't know why, Connor trusted Noir's had reasons for his departure, as much as Lag did.

Two Letter Bees had been chosen to Akatsuki to defeat the Splitus, which would emerge from the artificial sun at any moment, and Lag was one of the worthy candidates, despite his delayed return, having passed the test that determined whether he would depart or stay, chosen by Clarice Konan, the Akatsuki representative. Once all the items were loaded, Clarice announced their departure and Lag happily and hopefully parted ways from all his comrades in Yussari, as the train departed for the capital.

"Well, will you look at that. All is merry when Lag's around. I suppose that's praiseworthy."

Two pointed bunny ears revealed someone already inside the train - the other chosen Letter Bee, Chico, who turned and glanced at him coldly, her face empty of a smile, before gazing upon the window nearby. Lag examined her again, having not seen her for almost a year since his long conquest for training. Her formerly auburn threads was now an Albisian white, silvery strands forming her long hair. She watched as children were waving at the train innocently, hoping she could hear their wishes for a successful departure. Lag presumed those children were from the families that left on Reverse's ship to Akatsuki - Chico said that Lag was lucky compared to them, as the children's parents were sacrifices and would never return. Chico and Lag had clashing ideals - despite being a Letter Bee, she was under Largo's guidance, now defected from the Hive and the mastermind of Reverse's plans. She said that she only trusted herself, and Largo - she refused to believe Lag's words in that Lag would not allow sacrifice to feed their victory in defeating the Splitus and the artificial sun, while Lag was firm on his ideal in that he would not allow a heart to be sacrificed for that purpose.

The train went on for an hour, and soon, Chico, Niche, Steak and his family were sound asleep, their tranquil eyes shut as they drifted into their dreams noiselessly. Lag smiled as he brushed off a spot of breadcrumb on Niche's cheeks, having eaten Sandra's bread before they departed. Lag pondered upon the people who he knew that arrived from near and far to send him off - there were also gifts from closer people, such as Hunt and Sarah, and Jacob had given him another letter bullet as a good luck charm. He went into deep thought, as he idly looked through the letters, containing the hearts and wishes of people alike, knowing that they would be a significant aid in his quest in Akatsuki.

As he looked through the letters, though, he stumbled upon something not right - one of the letters seemed to be meant for him, with his name on it. Astonishment surrounded him, as he looked through the letters and realized that there a lot of them meant from him, sent by different people. He began to read the letters meant for him, one by one, made by people he knew and came to see him at the station. He was impressed in that Vincent's writing had improved much since they last met; amused by Pissaro's letter, wondered at the beautiful, scenic pictures made my Kimidori; and amidst beautiful handwriting from Rei he imagined the pair of best friends now on closer terms than ever. Each of the letters harbored thoughtful wishes and earnest hopes, as Lag read through each letter carefully, and with utmost satisfaction.

He looked into his other bag - only to discover there were letters inside meant for him as well. As he picked up the first letter, the sender's name displayed "Winters", alongside familiar handwriting.

"Good luck, little kitty."

He realized the feline-like Letter Bee had snuck it inside his pile of letters at that time. Questions washed over Lag's mind like waves cleansing the shores, doubts going in and out; Lag's friendship with Zazie had strained incredibly as Lag returned - even today as they went to the station in the same carriage they only stayed awkward and quiet, not a word from and for each other. However, Zazie was the final person to greet Lag off, and there was only an odd lunge, a hug on his shoulder, and a solemn whisper. He had thought Zazie no longer saw him as a good friend as he used to. He imagined his frustration of not being able to go to Akatsuki, Lag and Chico having been chosen as the worthiest candidates, and how Zazie probably saw him differently as he returned as well.

Dear Lag,

You know, when you returned from where you went, I...doubted you. I felt that you were no longer the Lag I knew. But...after I felt your heart bullet, I now understand, and realize. Lag...you're now sharing hearts with a spirit insect. All that power you've been firing, all that I've seen up until now - they're not yours, isn't it?

Lag understood what he meant. He understood the drastic change within him and the spirit insect restraining room for his stronger emotions. He was no longer the crybaby boy they knew; in fact, Lag hadn't even shed a tear throughout his training. Not a sliver of evident sadness when he discovered that Sylvette lost her heart. He pictured the astonishment Connor and Zazie would've felt at his own change; a change he told them would occur if he wasn't careful enough. But the tearless face empty of strong emotions facaded deeper thoughts. He was now only one with a spirit insect, using it's power to preserve his under its request, but costing him his emotions, his emotions that made Lag the friend he was to Zazie and Connor - emotions he shared with the spirit insect, and restrained them as a result. Zazie was now perhaps the only one who knew his true feelings - as Lag continued to read the letter, he imagined Connor would have also known by now.

Deep down inside, there's you in there, the you I know - alone, with no one, preparing for the fight against the Splitus and the artificial sun...aren't you?

He was in there, indeed. The Lag they knew was always still inside him. Zazie had felt Lag, and his irreplaceable emotions deep down inside. He had been in that field, with the drizzle of tears that made Lag who he was, tears that were hidden only in his true heart. Lag's determination to defeat the artificial sun, and to empower his heart bullet led to that sacrifice.

Alone inside, shedding tears for the girl that loved you, thinking about Sylvette every single moment...crying for what happened to her...aren't you?

Lag remembered caressing his fingers across Sylvette's tender features, reminiscing himself cleaning her face with a cloth as she slept on the beds. She was now empty, and cold, and Lag had left her waiting, imagining the pain she must have gone through after so much of waiting. She now lost her heart, and was in the care of Connor under his promise. Guilt began to slice him through like a hot knife through butter as he thought of her; how he wasn't there for her, and how he didn't even give her a proper goodbye as he first left. The tears she had to shed for him. Her longing, her sadness, and her love for him, in which he requited. "I always loved you best - and I will defeat the artificial sun, to bring your gentle heart back." He remembered entwining his hands in hers, promising himself and to her that their happy times together would return once more.

I'm sorry. I've been...nothing but useless.

Simple, expressionless words seemed to display a strong remorse. The simplicity in those words expressed regret beyond boundaries to him.

We don't know what we can do...to support your heart. I really regret it, Lag...That's why I wrote this letter to, you, like you always say. "A letter is the heart of the writer."

And Lag was feeling that heart. The heart of one of his good friends, now speaking to him in earnest, in honesty, and in genuineness. That was all the support he needed and the best support Zazie could offer to him as a friend.

And my heart, at every moment, will always be at your side. Lag, you are never alone...always remember that.

Your good friend, Zazie Winters

P.S A familiar plump friend also has a plump little letter for you.

There was a small sack inside Lag's bag, as Lag opened it to stumble open a red apple with a smiling face cut at the peel. Lag began to take a bite, indulging and savouring the sweet, crunchy flesh, filled with thoughtful hopes and wishes from his two good friends. The irreplaceable taste lit a confident smile on his face as he thought of them, together - even after so much distance, Lag felt happy, and on the inside he enveloped himself in a rain of genuine, happy tears. The disquietude that mildly bothered him shattered into optimism, as he felt the hearts of his two best friends combine into one with his - a warmth he'd yet to feel until now, after so long of being away. Now carrying the hearts of his friends along with him, he was now ready to welcome all his challenges with strength and determination.

Zazie rested near the train station with Connor in their carriage. He was munching on one of Connor's apples, with the same smiling face engraved on the scarlet peel, enjoying the sweet bite, wondering if Lag was also enjoying the apple as he was. Allowing the final traces of his regrets to fade, he thought of his relief when he realized Lag was still the same Lag he knew. He remembered himself distrusting him - how Lag was no longer himself, alienated of who he once was - but as that powerful burst of white light pierced him and saved his life back then during the test, he finally saw everything. He managed to chuckle at himself at how silly he was, how Lag was someone that he actually could manage to doubt. But despite their current distance and their uncertainty of his return, Zazie would cheer for him- and he would wait for him. And unfailingly, he would always be there for him.

"Thoughts and truth too embarrassing to say out loud...but writing them in a letter is fine, isn't it?" Zazie wondered, talking to Connor, who replied him with only a smile, as they rode their carriage back to the Bee Hive, as he smiled for the first time that day.

"Your own true heart...Letters are amazing, aren't they?"

This is from Chapter 89 of the manga - this is also particularly dedicated to a beyond wonderful friend that's been supporting me through thick and thin in most of everything. First attempt and Lag/Zazie, although I don't want to get beaten by a random yaoi addict sitting in my corner.

Disclaimer: I do not own Tegami Bachi.