Three cars - ironically - three cars drive by.
Their headlights flashing so quickly by; offering momentary flashes of light in an otherwise dark room; hope in a moment of gloom.
"We should have had tipped the waitress much, much more Jane," Maura runs her fingers along the edge of the comforter, "Thanks to her, I have one more picture of you. But I miss you. I don't just want pictures, Jane."
I miss you too Maura, and I hate being just a picture too, she answers and she presses her lips to Maura's temple, again, and again, and again.
Maura's bound to feel it, she thinks. Maura doesn't.
"You're a messy eater, you know that Jane?"
Maura always waits a little; almost like Maura's giving her time to answer.
A part of her believes that Maura can feel her presence, that Maura can feel her there. That deep down inside, against all her science and logic, Maura feels her there. Despite it not registering, Maura must feel her; Maura must feel her, she believes.
She tries so hard to reach Maura.
She blows at Maura's hair; not even a single strand moves, not even a little.
She is thankful for the pseudo conversations she gets to have with her though.
So you've told me a couple of times Maura, she answers.
"We're going to try all the flavours there Jane, all of them."
She nods against Maura. All of them, and then we'll have another go at them again Maura.
"Then we'll have them with waffles. Every single flavour again, with waffles."
She nods.
Yes, sometimes the night gets better.
She feels a little guilty, that Maura is comforting her when she can't offer the same to her.
"Then we'll go for yoga and you can't complain," Maura says to the ceiling.
She laughs. Yes Maura, yoga, anything. She looks up too at the ceiling.
Maura had filled it with glow-in-the-dark stars.
We don't count sheep, we count stars. She takes comfort in the memory of how the stars came to be plastered across the ceiling - an indoor night-sky, their own night-sky.
"Goodnight Jane, I love you," Maura closes her eyes.
Another pair of headlights, illuminates the room; quick but not quick enough, to not reflect the tears of which Maura had shed.
She would be cuddling Maura right this moment, if she was physically here.
Since the day of exchanged vows, falling asleep happens together - close, together.
Maura wraps the comforter tighter around herself, Maura knows it too; she thanks the comforter.
Her arms are still around Maura, and she is envious of a comforter. She takes in deep breaths; she tries to douse the fiery pain growing in her chest.
Goodnight Maura, I love you too, she whispers into Maura's ear. Tomorrow, it'll be better. Tomorrow, it'll be better, she repeats, for Maura, for herself.
She repeats the words, hoping that by the thousandth time, it will truly be better; each whisper is a wish upon each ceiling star.
With each whisper, she plants a kiss on the back of Maura's shoulder.
Maura is wearing her t-shirt again.
She listens to Maura's breathing, waiting for it to steady. She listens to Maura breathing.
A steady breathing will tell her that Maura has fallen asleep.
She listens to Maura's breathing, and she focuses on Maura's breathing. On Maura's breathing, on if Maura is asleep.
She is thankful that it is her, she is thankful that it is her. That it is her that doesn't sleep, that doesn't dream. If one of them had to be this intangible watcher, she will rather it be her. She doesn't want Maura hurting alone; at least, Maura has the living to hold.
She doesn't sleep, she can't sleep. Tonight she will sing to Maura instead. 'No matter what' by Boyzone, she sings. Hoping that maybe a line or two will reach Maura; hoping that a line or two or even three will reach Maura's ears. That Maura will know that no matter what, she loves her. That even if she will have to watch Maura forever, she still will. That she is holding on, and that she will come back to Maura. That it'll be better.
For now, she will just hold Maura and sing.
Hoping that Maura doesn't stir; Maura needs the sleep.
Maura had told her before, that she finds her baritone voice soothing.
She holds onto Maura as she sings, planting shoulder kisses in between.
A/N: Hi there, thank you, for the time~