Now in Rivendell, the Company finds itself in for a wild time. Plus Elrond worries, but what else is new?
I actually finished chapter fifty five this morning, and...wow. This whole story is just one giant case of nutty adventures. And fourth wall breaking. Don't forget that. That's impoetant.
Please review. :)
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Chapter Seven — Recaps at Rivendell
Ignoring the rude whispering of Leara and Ulfric, Gandalf and Elrond continued speaking.
"Why are you trying to keep Thranduil out?" Gandalf asked, curious.
Elrond grimaced. "He keeps stealing from Arwen's vanity."
Gandalf nodded in complete understanding. "Indeed, I see how that can be destressing for her."
"The thing is, he keeps getting pink glitter everywhere."
"Oh dear."
"Wait, pink glitter? I love pink glitter!" Leara beamed, butting her way into their conversation.
Elrond stared at her.
"Averin?"
"Ah, no, that's my grandmother."
"Married that mortal king, did she?"
"Emperor, actually, yeah, er...sorta."
Elrond nodded, "She was always a bad influence on Arwen."
Leara shrugged, "My aunt would probably agree."
"Is that the one who sent Paarthurnax that sweater?" Ulfric asked.
"Yep."
Thorin scowled at the two elves, the wizard, and the tall blond person he didn't like. He turned around and began whispering to Dwalin, who nodded and whispered to Nori, who whispered to Kíli, who whispered to Ori, who whispered to Bifur, who gestured at Bofur, who whispered to Óin, who spoke 'quietly' to Dori, who whispered to Glóin, who whispered to Bombur, who whispered to Balin, who whispered to Fíli.
Thorin looked at the short blond person he didn't like (though not as much as he didn't like Storm-dress-what's-his-face) and Fíli stared back.
They stared at each other for a moment before Thorin nodded and Fíli nodded in return. The young blond dwarf then turned to where Lord Elrond and Leara Rose-blade were talking about an amulet, a temple, and a fancy sword.
He then proceeded to take a deep, deep, oxygen enriched breath.
"Uncle Thorin requests that you all quit being nancy cats and just be cute and cuddly, boys, CUTE AND CUDDLY!"
Thorin Oakenshield shook his head from embarrassment, his original dwarvish insult having been completely distorted amongst the Company and outright lost to Fíli the Not as Cool as His Uncle.
Everyone stared at Fíli, then Thorin, then Fíli, then Thorin, then Fíli, then Thorin...
And Fíli again.
And Thorin once more.
And—
"But," protested Ori and Leara Rose-blade in sync. "I am cute and cuddly!"
Dori and Ulfric face palmed in retaliation.
"I'm just a hedgehog," Dr. Watson sighed in dejection.
"I am a majestical idiot of an Alaskan sled dog!" added Kíli, attempting to be as valiant as he thought Leara Rose-blade to be, but really he just came off as a hipster bandwagon movement.
Everyone's gaze shifted to the youngest of the line of Durin.
"So," Elrond said, straightening his African game hunter like jacket. "Would anyone like BBQ pork?"
"BBQ PORK?!"
Moving faster than they had when Gandalf first mentioned girls and food, all the dwarves, plus Ulfric, rushed away up toward the grand House of Imladris, leaving Lord Elrond, Gandalf, Leara Rose-blade, and the Watsobbit standing there to bite at their dust.
"Thank the Divines Galmar isn't here," Leara said to the silence.
Just then, Glorfindel came back from his precious helicopter (preeeccciiiooouuusss...), he opened his mouth to speak, and then...stopped. He stood there like a giant statue of a human fish, drawing the gazes of most of the remaining people on the platform.
"Is he okay?" Dr. Watson asked in an aside to Lord Elrond.
The half elven studied his friend and then at the object of his viewage.
Leara Rose-blade.
Who happened to be looking miserable at her abandonment via Jarl of Eastmarch.
Gandalf was quick to catch on to this as well. The three males not taken with the manic beauty of Leara watched as Glorfindel continued to practice his improv fish face on the Dragonborn. Meanwhile, said Dragonborn hunched her shoulders and dragged her feet toward the stone stairs that her friend had rushed up previously.
Glorfindel's eyes followed the Altmer as she ascended the steps. Once she disappeared at the top, he shook his head before looking around, dazed. The golden elf's gaze fell on the unimpressed Elrond and he smiled as if none have that had even happened.
"Do we still have that barbeque pork?"
Elrond scowled, he liked it when people said 'BBQ' instead of 'barbeque', but he nodded in the affirmative anyway. "Yes, though if I were you, I would hurry. Gandalf's party just went to the dining hall."
Glorfindel bobbed his head before skipping up the stairs after Leara and the boys.
"Are all the single elf guys going to stare at Leara like that?" Dr. Watson asked.
Elrond and Gandalf both paled and looked at each other.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I believe so."
"Then you must make sure neither Prince Legolas nor King Thranduil nor any Woodland elf meets Lady Leara, because I fear if they do, they will become obsessive and transfixed," Elrond told Gandalf. The wizard brought out his pipe and puffed at it in worry.
Fifteen minutes later...!
Everyone was miserable.
Except Leara, but that should go without saying.
Currently, as the population of Rivendell apparently consisted of only one female and many, many, many single elf dudes, who were single because all the married ones (except Lord Elrond) had followed their wives, who had gone to some party in Smirkwood with all the single ladies, Leara was the center of their attention.
Our beloved heroine, ever romantically oblivious, was nonetheless happy to be treated as her ancestors, the emperors and empresses of the Septim Empire, had. She also really loved apples. Everyone else though, was, as said beforehand, miserable.
Of course, they had their BBQ pork, but they weren't waited on hand and foot with constant dedication and given desserts and had music played for them.
In essence, if the Narrator had to put it into perspective, they were common, though generally kinda liked peasants in the light of Her Royal Madness, Empress Leara Septim.
"So how was your trip so far?" Elrond asked Gandalf, ignoring the awestruck elf dudes and the moody dwarves.
"Well, we met up in the Hobbit hole of Mr. Bilbo Baggins in the Shire. We had just concluded our dinner when Miss Rose-blade arrived. Unfortunately, this seemed to set Mr. Baggins off and he kicked us all out. We were then joined Miss Rose-blade's friend, Ulfric Stormcloak, who informed us of Miss Rose-blade's rather interesting history as a dragon slayer of legend. Presently, we realized that we had no horses or ponies and Miss Rose-blade used her Thu'um — her power over the dragon tongue — to summon three dragons who she allies herself with. They all have quite impressive names, all sounding much mightier than Smaug's. Paarthurnax, Durnehviir, and Odahviing, I believe they are all called. They carried us upon their backs all the way to the Trollshaws. However, at that point, two of the dragons left us rather abruptly. Apparently there was a timer on a batch of a confectionary called a Sweetroll, so we were left with the red dragon Odahviing. As it turns out, Odahviing is the elder brother of Smaug!"
"Who'da thunk it?" Elrond said in surprise.
"Yes! Anyway, Miss Rose-blade and I left the group to scout ahead after the dragon Odahviing attempted to eat Thorin Oakenshield for being a pest. She explained to me that her dragon blood allows her to wield the Thu'um as she does. The dragon blood is something her family has had for many generations, though the actual ability to use the Voice, as mortals call it, has been dormant since her ancestor, Tiber Septim, who first became emperor of her homeland. After that conversation, and getting ice cream from a vendor near the last bridge, we returned to discover our companions had been force educated by Gentle-Trolls from the Ettenmoors. Luck was on our side, however, and we were able to break a boulder and cast the trolls into sunlight, subsequently turning them to stone. Afterwards, I discovered that Mr. Baggins had indeed followed us!" Gandalf gestured to where the Watsobbit sat on the other side of Lord Elrond, the expression on his face showing anything but amusement.
Elrond looked at the Watsobbit, raising a skeptical eyebrow. Dr. John Watson was most certainly not a Hobbit, but there was little Elrond knew he could do to persuade Gandalf otherwise. Only the Lady Galadriel could, and she most likely wouldn't because she would find it endearing and amusing.
"Once we freed the dwarves and Miss Rose-blade's friend, Mr. Stormcloak, we found the troll horde where we found swords of Gondolin!" Gandalf went on in excitement.
Leara started, almost upsetting her apple juice and apple pie with ice cream. Lucky for her, Erestor managed to straighten them out.
"Elves of Gondolin? They are my kin," Elrond nodded as Gandalf showed him the sword with two stick thingies. "This is Glamdring, the Foe Hammer."
"Thorin's only has one stick thing," Leara snickered.
The Narrator would again like to reiterate that the stick thingies are called cross-guards.
Elrond raised an eyebrow and looked at the sword on Thorin Oakenshield's back. He nodded again. "That is Orcrist, the Cheese Cleaver."
"Are you my cousin?" Leara Rose-blade asked Elrond, after swallowing a bite of pie fed to her by Glorfindel.
"No," was the half elven's short answer.
The last thing he wanted was to be related to an oblivious, golden skinned female semi Boromir (though he, like everyone else, does not know who Boromir is as he has of yet to be born) and to share her elf dude attracting genes.
That'd get awkward.
Quickly.
Elrond decided then that he needed to call Celebrían in Valinor after lunch to tell her he feared why all the young elf dudes kept throwing themselves at Arwen's feet.
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I said he was going to worry. And yay! Glorfindel! Besides Elrond, Glorfindel is honestly my favorite LotR character. He's like the Chuck Norris of Middle-earth, except he doesn't really do anything Chuck Norris-y here. Yet. Maybe. Anyway.
Stay tuned for next week when a certain elf lady makes her debut and Ulfric gets jealous of...pineapple?