AN: Your kind words are what's keeping me motivated, thank you!
Eliza's POV
She just did it again. Eliza just came on too strong. Again, she came on too strong. This isn't what Dr. Wyatt has been telling her these past few weeks. It's definitely not. Eliza needs to give Arizona time. Time to process. Time to get used the idea of being married, of being married to her. And instead she went and did this. Sometimes she's really asking to be slapped in the face. And quite possibly her heart as well, in this particular situation. Arizona may still have her fingers laced with Eliza's, but that could very much be because Eliza won't and can't let go of her wife.
The silence is killing Eliza. She's afraid to look up, she's afraid she'll see on Arizona's face what she already knows. She's scared of seeing her wife's gorgeous face screwed up in panic. Why can't she for once just keep her stupid mouth shut? Why does she always, always put her foot in the spinach? Why can't she just let time pass and Arizona come around? Why? Eliza knows why, though. In fact, she knows it all too well. She misses Arizona. She misses her so much. And she's not sure she'll be able to go another day without her wife. Eliza's not sure she can take Arizona staying at Tim's for that much longer. Arizona's home is where Eliza lives. It's where the fireplace is. Where the special pancake pan is. Where the walls are beige with a touch of yellow. Arizona's home is where she sleeps closest to the bedroom window because she loves looking at the Seattle sky going to sleep and waking in the morning. Arizona's home isn't here, in the other end of the city, no. Arizona's home is on the street with the old oak gracefully draping its branches across the roof of their garage. Arizona's home isn't with her brother. It's with her wife, it's with Eliza. But Eliza might have just ruined the possibility of Arizona returning home any time soon. Eliza, her big, stupid mouth and her fragile heart may have frightened Arizona. Again.
"Eliza," Arizona sighs heavily. "I-"
"I'm so sorry, Arizona," Eliza rushes, squeezing their hands tight as she scoots herself as close to her wife as their folded legs allow. "It seems like I'm pretty good at this," Eliza sighs, devastation covering her voice. Why does she always have to mess all things up? Why can't she just shut up and be? "I'm so sorry."
"I don't know what you're talking about but it seems like you're pretty good at apologizing, too," Arizona breathes, pulling one of her hands out of Eliza's grasp. It causes Eliza's heart du flinch and her eyes to water. She knew it. She did blow it. "You don't need to do that all the time, Eliza," Arizona clarifies, lifting Eliza's chin with a finger.
When their eyes lock, Eliza sees Arizona's blue eyes sparkle. They don't look sad. They don't look petrified, either. They just look… pretty. Like the prettiest eyes she's ever laid eyes on herself. Arizona gives Eliza a sad smile, causing one dimple to pop which then causes Eliza's heart to twist in her chest. Arizona's dimples always do that to her. They always make her dizzy… dizzy with love.
"I do, though. I'm so completely sor-"
"Stop!" Arizona states, putting a finger to Eliza's lips. It shakes Eliza to the core. The feeling of Arizona's finger to her lips make the hairs on arms stand on end. She doesn't purse her lips, even though it's the one thing she really wants to do. She doesn't. She controls herself, finally. "Can I say something without you apologizing?" Arizona quizzes, arching one of her brows. Eliza just nods, running her thumb across the side of Arizona's hand. "Honestly, I don't know where we're going from here. I don't even know where I live…"
"You live with m-" Eliza tries to speak around Arizona's finger pressed to her lips, but it only makes Arizona press her finger harder onto her mouth as she squints her eyes.
"I don't know where I live, Eliza. I don't even know how our bedroom looks like. I don't know your favourite movie or what dress you wore on our first date," Arizona starts. "I don't know when I fell in love with you and I don't know why you fell in love with me. I don't even know where we met…"
Eliza watches as Arizona drops her hand to her lap as something washes all over her face. Something Eliza can't quite differentiate. She doesn't say anything, though. She lets Arizona feel whatever it is that she's suddenly feeling… or remembering.
"Oh my God," Arizona whispers, her eyes wide as she looks at Eliza. "I know."
"What do you know?" Eliza asks a little confused. Needing all the connection to her wife without coming off to greedy or needy, she places her hand on Arizona's knee.
"You told me!" Arizona exclaims. "I remember me asking you about your wife… and you told me about the… the avocados. It was me, wasn't it? It was me you told me about… it was our first meet, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was."
"And then I said something about putting it into your wedding speech, and you told me that your wife actually did talk about it in her speech."
"Yes," Eliza confirms, ghosting her fingertips atop Arizona's knee cap. She doesn't seem to mind, Arizona. She's way too occupied with trying to figure out what exactly happened the day they met each other.
"I made a speech."
"You did," Eliza smiles as she reminisces about the amazing speech Arizona made for her on their wedding day. They had decided not to do the whole speech thing considering the reception was only small and very down to Earth, but Arizona had once again surprised Eliza. "And it was the best speech I've ever been giving."
"You don't just say that because you might be biased?" Arizona scoffs amused as she pulls out of Eliza's hands completely. Once again Eliza feels the desolation wash over her as the pricking feeling rears its ugly head again. The feeling of being so impossibly close to Arizona but she can't do what she desperately wants and needs. She can't just take her in her arms, kiss her and tell her how much she loves her. Last time she did something remotely like that it ended up causing Eliza ten days of intolerable silence and a violent kind of heartache. She can't do that again. So, she stays put, even though that makes her heart throb in pain as well. But she'd take this kind of pain over the pain of not seeing her wife or knowing what's going on with her any day. No doubt in her mind.
"Maybe," Eliza shrugs.
"What's with the short answers?" Arizona puffs while suddenly fidgeting with the threads of Eliza's jeans, the knees showing through big holes.
"I'm sor-" Eliza cuts herself off when Arizona clears her throat, sending her a smug smile. "I just wanna do this right, you know?" Eliza suddenly feels herself becoming nervous and shy around Arizona. Which is unnecessary, really. It's just Arizona. It's her wife. Except that now Eliza feels like she's somehow got to win Arizona all over again. Like she's got to… then it hits Eliza. Then the puzzle pieces fall into place. Eliza knows what she's got to do. It's really simple. She's got to make her wife fall in love with her all over again. She needs to make Arizona see why she fell for Eliza six years ago. All Eliza's got to do is just be herself, really. And she'll do it as best as she can. Because when Arizona is the main goal, there's really nothing Eliza won't do. This is where they should start. This is where they should go from here.
"What?" Arizona asks, her eyes searching Eliza's. "Why are you, um, smiling?"
Eliza can't help it. She feels like she's just come up with the brightest idea the world has ever seen. "I know where we go from here…"
Arizona stills her hands on both of Eliza's knees. "Eliza, I can't… I can't move back in… I can't move into a house I don't even know where is. I can't sleep in a bed I-"
"I know. That's not what I'm saying here, Arizona."
"Then what are you saying?"
"Just… um, do you wanna grab a drink with me some time?"
"W-what?" Arizona chuckles. "A drink?"
"Yeah, a drink, you know. Just a drink," Eliza shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm offering you a drink here, woman."
"A drink, huh?" Arizona squints her eyes playfully. Eliza feels the urge of throwing herself at Arizona because she makes her so incredibly happy. So much it's taking over her entire body. Eliza feels so undeniably happy and relieved that Arizona is sitting in front of her, smiling and playing along. Eliza feels her heart pound harder than it's done in forever… because this time; this time it pounds due to love, due to the powerful connection they've got, even though Arizona can't remember those feelings… yet. But they are there, nonetheless. They are there and Eliza will make sure Arizona will be able to recognize them, if that's the last thing she'll ever do.
"Just… a drink, and maybe… maybe a walk home, if you're up for it."
"Eliza Minnick, are you asking me out on a date?" Arizona grins. Eliza doesn't feel her nerves anymore. They've gone. They disappeared the moment she decided to make Arizona fall in love with her again. She can't be nervous while doing that. She needs to bring her A-game. And besides, it's Arizona. It's her wife. Speaking to Arizona has always been the easiest thing in the world for Eliza. Both before and after the accident. Eliza tries to hide the fact that Arizona just calling her by her maiden name hurt. It might be her name from before they got married, but Arizona doesn't know that. Arizona doesn't know that they decided on sharing last names. It's not the time to say anything, though. Arizona's got so many news today, and Eliza can't make herself pull another one over her wife's head. "What's wrong?" Arizona asks all of a sudden when Eliza doesn't reply to her question. The grin she sported just before replaced by a worried look and a soft crease to her forehead. Eliza loves that look. It makes her wife look so wise.
"Um, nothing," Eliza replies confused. Why would Arizona ask her what's wrong? "Nothing's wrong, Arizona."
"Then why do you look like someone just punched you in the face? I might have issues with my memory but my eyes work just fine."
"Um… ummm."
"Please, Eliza. Talk to me. No more lies, please," Arizona begs, her eyes so full of love, Eliza's sure. Arizona's eyes have always, always held so much love for for. It's been this undeniable thing everybody always commented on. And even with Arizona's state of mind now, her eyes still hold love. Not just any love, though. They hold love for Eliza, even though Arizona doesn't know it or are willing to define it or explore it just yet. But it's there. The love.
"You, it's just. You said…"
"It was something I said?"
"Yeah, sort of."
Realization suddenly hitting her wife, the crease in Arizona's forehead getting deeper. "Oh," Arizona's mouth forms an o-shape, her hands instantly fidget as she pulls at her fingers in her lap. "It's not your name, is it?"
"Not entirely, no," Eliza sighs, gently biting down on her lower lip.
"So when we married, you changed your name?"
"We both did, actually. We just threw in a hyphen, is all," Eliza tells her wife, her voice soft.
"So… Minnick-Robbins or Robbins-Minnick?"
"Minnick-Robbins."
"Because M is before R in the alphabet, right?" Arizona quizzes sheepishly. Again, Eliza feels the urgent need to kiss her wife. She wants so desperately to kiss Arizona. Not just because she hasn't in so long the withdrawal is brutally killing her, but also because Arizona remembers things. Whenever Arizona remembers one tiny detail, Eliza just want to praise her with hugs and kisses and fireworks. She can't, though. She can't do any of that because it might push the blonde even further away.
"That's exactly how you advocated your suggestion," Eliza settles on replying, giving Arizona a big smile. Inside Eliza's on the verge to break down, though. Inside Eliza feels how her heart is aching because she can't touch Arizona. Sure, they've actually just taken the step of handholding and even fondling at the knees and that, but Eliza needs more. She really, really needs Arizona's mouth, her lips and all that comes with them.
"I figured," Arizona smirks. "Okay, okay, um. Rewind. Ask me again," Arizona smiles timidly. "Please."
Eliza can't quite follow where Arizona is going, both she'll do whatever Arizona wants right now. She'll do everything by the book now. "Mmh… o-kay? Would you like to grab a drink some time?"
"Eliza Minnick-Robbins," Arizona grins, squinting her eyes playfully. "Are you asking me out on a date?"
"I guess, I am," Eliza chuckles. It's back. Arizona's dorkiness is back. Not that she thought it had gone. The dorkiness. Arizona's been dorky all since waking up and they rekindled and got to know each other again. It's just something inside of her that's always there, Eliza suppose. But now it's back, for real. Now Arizona's being all dorky towards her, just like she would've been before… Arizona's acting like Eliza's wife again. It might be a very small thing… but to Eliza, it's a huge thing.
"Then my answer is yes. Yes, to drinks… and maybe a walk," Arizona smiles.
Eliza's heart soars. It soars so high, Eliza's got trouble coming down again. The light coming from Arizona's eyes is keeping her heaved from the ground. And when Arizona's hands find Eliza's again and lace them, a whole new round of good vibes shoots through Eliza. Arizona squeezes their joined hands, letting out a content sigh. Eliza watches as a membrane of tiredness washes all over her wife's face, how her shoulders slump and her breath becomes deeper. It's the tell tail of Arizona needing sleep.
"Hey," Eliza softly asks for Arizona's attention. When the blonde locks her eyes onto Eliza's, the butterflies once again bask in the pit of Eliza's stomach. "You're tired. I'll just… I'll just go home. And I'll see you, um, tomorrow?"
"I'm sorry, I'm just so… I'm just so tired, and my head kinda hurts," Arizona apologizes sadly.
"Hey, don't be. I get it. A lot has happened tonight. I get it, okay?"
"You do? You're not… mad?"
"Why would I be mad?"
"Because I need to sleep…" Arizona trails off, her eyes dropping to their hands as she strokes the back of Eliza's with her thumb. "And because I can't go home with you…"
"I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want that… but I know you can't. I'll just… I'll go home and then we'll see each other again, okay?"
It takes everything inside of Eliza not to cry again. It takes everything last ounce of strength for Eliza not to break down because she can't take Arizona home with her. That she cannot hold her as she goes to sleep, stroke her hair just the way Arizona loves it. It takes everything Eliza's got not to fall to her knees and ask Arizona to please come home with her. The pricking feeling hitting her full force as Arizona looks at her, sadness covering her every feature. Eliza's heart shouldn't be breaking because they're actually going somewhere. Forward. Arizona and her are doing this, and they're doing it the right way. That's why her heart shouldn't be breaking now. She's got her wife back… it's just a matter of time when she'll be back-back. Though, her heart isn't with her on that particular part. Eliza's heart just wants Arizona. And it wants all of her now.
"Okay," Arizona nods gently. "Can I… um, can I, maybe… text you before going to sleep?"
"You don't ever have to ask that question, Arizona."
Arizona's eyes find Eliza's, a shy smile ghosting the lips Eliza craves so much. She can't help when her eyes land upon them. It's just too much. She has got to leave now. Before she does something that might ruin them. Eliza's got to wrist herself away from her wife, go home and go to sleep.
"So, you're taking Arizona out on a date," Dr. Wyatt states happily. "When?"
"Tomorrow night, just... for drinks, you know," Eliza replies, digging her nails into the armrests of her chair. "We're, um… taking it slow."
"That's good, Eliza. I'm so proud of you. You're doing such a good job."
"I'm not, though," Eliza whines. "I'm really not."
"What makes you feel like you aren't doing a good job?"
"I think about her all the time," Eliza reveals, her voice coated in sadness. "I think about touching her. Kissing her. I think about throwing myself at her. That's not taking it slow. I'm not doing a good job."
"Eliza, it's only normal to want to be intimate with your wife. Especially when you've been hiding your feelings and your marriage status for so long. It's only normal to want that extra connection and contact."
"But," Eliza stops herself, folding her hands in her lap, chewing on her lower lip. "I can't do that, Dr. Wyatt. I can't. She'll run. She'll run and then I'll never get her back."
"Having those thoughts and acting on them are two very different things, Eliza," Dr. Wyatt states kindly. "You wanting and needing to be closer to Arizona, it's only normal. It's what to be expected, really. You not acting on them is you putting Arizona's feelings before your own. It's you wanting to do the right thing. It's not something everyone can do. And that's why you're doing a good job, Eliza. You're giving Arizona the time she needs. You are giving her time to remember why she loves you, why she fell for you and why she married you."
"But… I'm seriously going out of my mind," Eliza exclaims, roughly running a hand through her hair only to rest it at the back of her neck. "I'm really trying to take it slow. To give her time. To be the good wife, you know. But all I want to do is grab her and shake her, tell her that I desperately need for her to touch me so that I can touch her. But I can't do that," Eliza feels the tears knock on the insides of her eyelids along with a heaviness to her voice. "I can't do that."
"That doesn't mean you can't feel the way you do. As we talked about a couple of weeks ago, it's hard being around the person you love without getting to show them how you truly feel."
"I hate it. I really hate it. Does that make me a bad person?" Eliza breathes out, a single tear escaping down the bridge of her nose.
"No, it doesn't. If anything, it makes you human, Eliza. And it's good you've got those feelings. It really is."
"Why can that possibly be good?"
"It means that you still want Arizona. It means that you're still attracted to her. It means that considering everything that's happened, you still long for her."
"I love her."
"I know you do, Eliza. But that's not always enough, you know. Sometimes the damage is too severe to mend with just love. Though a relationship isn't built on love and attractions alone, they're both very important factors in keeping a relationship from falling apart."
"The accident didn't change how I see my wife. If anything it's taught me how much I really love her, how much I need her in my life," Eliza states, pulling out a tissue from the box and wiping her cheeks. She didn't want to cry today. She didn't want to. Not when things were actually going so great between Arizona and her. But it's just those stupid feelings. Eliza's stupid emotions she can't control even if her life depended on her to.
"And that's an important thing as well, Eliza. It's a very important fact to include."
"Why?"
"Because it reminds you of why you shouldn't give up. Not on Arizona. Not on your marriage. And not on yourself. You deserve to be happy, Eliza. You deserve to get your happy ending."
"But I don't know how I get it," Eliza breathes a sigh of defeat.
"By doing what you're already doing. By continuing to show Arizona that you love her, that you want her to get getter... and that-"
"That I won't give up on us, on her."
"Precisely!" Dr. Wyatt smiles proudly, nodding.
The silence hits the room as Eliza screws up her face. What now? What is she supposed to do now? She desperately wants for Arizona to start remembering them... as a couple. She desperately needs for Arizona to start remembering the feelings between them. The feelings that will allow Eliza to finally take her wife into her arms and kiss her.
"What, um... what am I supposed to do to get her to remember me?" Eliza asks timidly, playing a game of thumb war with herself in her lap.
"Did the neurologists give you any advice?"
"Well, um. They said that scents and music could be a place to start. Or flavours."
"That sounds good. You got any plans then? Where are you taking Arizona tomorrow?" Dr. Wyatt smiles.
"Um, I thought about taking her to one of the bars we used to go to. You think that'll be okay? It won't spook Arizona or strain her brain or something?"
"I think she'll be just fine, Eliza," Dr. Wyatt smiles calmly. "She's with you, so I think she'll be just fine."
Ending the session, Eliza picks up some Chinese on her way home. When she finally gets home and shrugs out of her clothes, she pulls on one of Arizona's old hoodies and curl up in front of the TV. She's done this way too much the last couple of weeks. Way more than she really wants to, really. It's nights like these where she really misses Arizona the most. Like inhumanly much. Like painfully missing her. It's nights like these all she wants to do is bawl her eyes out. Weeping until she's completely empty. Empty... like the space next to Eliza in their bed. Empty like the other end of the couch. Empty like the bottle of wine on the table. Empty like the place in the fridge where Arizona's kiwi yoghurt used to be. Empty... just empty.
Chunking on a fried shrimp, Eliza's phone buzzes on the coffee table. Catching the device, Eliza watches as her wife's name lights up her screen. The emptiness Eliza felt just before gets a little lighter when knowing Arizona just thought of her. Opening the message, Eliza tries to hold back her tears.
A: I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. I don't even know if it's fair to text you. But... I miss you. I think. No, I know. I do. I miss you. And I can't wait to get a drink with you tomorrow.
Eliza's having trouble reading the message as her eyes fill with unshed tears. The pricking feeling of missing her wife takes over all of Eliza. It clouds her vision, her mood and her heart. Pushing the Chinese box across the table, Eliza drops the phone to the couch while grabbing a pillow to place atop her thighs. Then the tears spill. Then the heartache breaks through... all over again. Eliza launches her face into the pillow and screams. The tears get caught in her throat but she doesn't care. Screaming from the top of her lungs, Eliza cries the slaughtering emotions out into the silence of her home. Of their home. Jerking her body back and forth in sharp movements, Eliza bawls and screams. Like she's trying to get everything out. Like she's trying to make more room for what's to come. But right now... right now all she wants to do is give up. Give up and never get out of this house again. It's just too much. Arizona misses her. She does. She's just told her that she does. But why can't she just get home then? Why can't Arizona just get home and start remembering things here... where she should be? Why can't she just come back? Why can't everything just be the way it used to be... before the accident? Eliza's throat hurts from all the screaming and crying but it's nothing compared to how her heart is feeling now.
AN2: Again, thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it very, very much.