Chapter 7
The slience seemed to run on forever, when in reality it was merely few minutes.
Hawke found herself wondering what was running through his mind, seeing the miriad of feelings ghosting over his features without giving anything away and it was very hard telling what he was truly feeling with his eyes also being closed.
After a few more seconds rolled by, she'd had enough both with waiting for some sort of response from him and trying to second guess what he was thinking or feeling.
The old fear of him leaving her rose in the pit of her belly, nearly as sharp as the nightmares that had plagued her dreams for months when he had left her the first time.
Entering the fade each night entailed a nominal risk for a mage, but the temptaion she then faced from demons increased as they knew her one desire, her one hope and dream - for Fenris to love her and stay with her.
Hawke knew that nothing they could promise or offer had been real and that the cost of accepting such temptations would be too high so didn't give in to them, but the images they left burned into her mind.
In time the nightmares ceased and she found she was able to rest for longer periods and over time the ache in her heart also lessened - or maybe she learnt to live with it.
Recalling the despair after waking each night from the visions, remembering her thudding heart and sweat drenched body, vague fleeting shadows that left her cold with fear, the flash of white hair and the whispering echos of promises given without truth, made the fear in her belly increase tenfold.
As she stood moving over to him she reached out her hand only to have him finally sit up straighter and take notice of her movement toward him.
Her steps halted and her arm dropped, wide blue eyes trained on his every move.
Patience had not been one of her strong points when she was younger, Maker how her Father had known that - however dealing with everything she had to over the years she had certainly learned the trait but this was something she needed to have an answer on.
Questions were running through her head. "Was he angry? Did he even want a child and would he accept it? Would he love it or accept it out of misguided duty?"
He loved her she knew that, but would this be too much for him to take?
She knew she was pushing him a little. Over the years they had got to know one another, as friends and eventually as lovers again, so she knew not to push him too hard but forcing his hand on this issue was something she was willing to do.
She started to move towards him again and having reached him, placed her hand on his shoulder, his eyes focused at last on her face. They were shadowed with worry and a little hint of fear. "Hawke..." He started to say, but he couldn't find his voice.
He coughed to clear his throat and started to speak again. "Hawke...I do not know what you wish me to say - I am...that is I do not know what you want - I had never thought of being a father, of having a child, but what do you want from me - marriage?"
She sucked in her breath not expecting that question. "Fenris, I love you - truly I do, and with that comes the hope of us spending all of our days together in some form, possibly marriage - yes I will not deny that I had hoped that would be on the cards at some point in our future. Generally it's what two people do when they are in love and wish to spend the rest of their lives together."
"However, if you don't want to I understand, but I want to be with you any way I can so I will not push this with you."
She squeezes his shoulder and at this he does something that she had hoped they had gotten past, his knee jerk reaction to touch - what with the time they had spent getting to know one another and the bond they now shared she had thought it wouldn't happen again - especially with her.
He flinches.
At this her eyes flick to his and sees his instant regret in the moss green gaze looking back at her.
"Hawke, please - I did not mean - I just...I think I need some time to get my head around this all. As a slave I had given up on entirely the hope of family, a life to call my own...and with my markings I was not sure it was possible either - this is difficult for me. I need time, please..."
At his her hand falls from his shoulder and the tears well up in her eyes, her hand rises to her mouth to smother the sob forming.
He sees the upset in her face and stands up sharply and embraces her so tightly her face is pushed against his chest. She can feel the wild thump of his heartbeat against her cheek.
"No - no no Hawke - 'Talia, I am not leaving you - you know for me there is no future without you, I have told you this! I need time to - it is a lot for me to take in. I need space but I will return, I promise you that." his own voice is thick with emotion, his already deep voice becoming rougher.
Natalia sighs in relief and hiccups. "Alright - its just that I'm so scared - I need you." Well she did try to say that but as she was still pressed up so tightly against Fenris it came out like "Arit ohghu, mso cred nedyou."
She pushes against him and he releases her with a soft kiss against her hair.
"Okay, its just that I'm so scared - I need you" She repeats, looking up at him pleading.
"I am afraid too, but please remember I am yours." His green gaze emploring her for the appparent need for space that she still doesn't understand.
Fenris was wildly independent, hence the reason he had not accepted her offer to live with her, and yes it had hurt at first, but she eventually understood that to him, having the use of Danarius's mansion, although he was dead, was his way of declaring independence - that he was a free man.
Deciding that he will want "space" whether she liked it or not, now was not the time to argue or to upset the fragile situation further, so reluctantly she asked "Please don't do anything foolish, and please come back here. I love you. When you do come back I'll - I'll be in my room."
She gives him a swift peck on the lips, not meeting his eyes and rushes from the room before he has time to respond.
She hurries past a shocked looking Bodahn without speaking and moves up the stairs to her room closing the door softly, sitting on the edge of the bed in a bit of a daze with her hand on her stomach and thinks to herself "Well that could have gone better, or worse depending on ones viewpoint I guess little one, lets just hope Daddy comes round."
After a few minutes she hears Fenris bid good day to Bodahn and leave the estate the softly closing door echoing through the rooms. Crawling over the bed she lays there and pulls a pillow over her head letting out a muffled "Aarrgggh!" in frustration.
It takes a long while for her to fall into an uneasy light sleep.
It doesn't seem that hours have passed, but when a muted bark wakes Hawke up, she's resting her head on her arms, the pillow long since fallen off the bed. She opens her eyes blearily taking time to focus in the soft light and notes that the days sunshine has long passed, the coolness of the room hints that night has fallen.
Rubbing her eyes and yawning so widely her jaw clicks, she sits up, realises that she hadn't even changed out of her robes and then the days events come rushing back to her and all she can think is "Fenris!"
Leaping out of bed she rushes to her bedroom door and opens it, not expecting the sight that is in front of her. It would have been amusing if not for involving a recently sober Elf.
The front door is wide open, with Sebastian, Aveline and Bodahn assisting what looks like a very inebriated Fenris through said doorway and into the main hall, the task made difficult due to him wavering on his feet unsteadily.
As she looks on with disbelief, Sebastian has Fenris's arm around one shoulder whilst Aveline has his other arm both trying to steer him into the room. Bodahn is trying to carry Fenris's sword behind them, but it is too heavy for him to cope on his own.
Hawke quickly walks over to Bodahn and helps him lift the heavy broadsword and rests it against the wall. Blaze is bounding to and fro, not helping matters so she commands him to go sit by the fire, which he does but with a huff as if to complain about his play time being interupted.
"Good evening Hawke." Sebastian's lilting voice tinged with apology. "Fenris came to see me earlier today, he was not himself so we chatted for a while and then he wished to go to the Hanged Man. I did not wish him to go alone so I offered to join him, purely to keep an eye on him of course. I did not know he had comsumed as much alcohol as he had until he got outside, he simply passed out." He hefted Fenris back up into standing position again.
"Hi Hawke, good to see you. I was on my usual patrol and caught Sebastian half way into Hightown and saw he needed assistance. You do realise Fenris is deceptively heavy for an Elf." Aveline also pulled him back up after slipping, her eyes glinting with humour. "We thought it best if he stays here tonight".
"Ah, okay, maybe its better if you take him straight up to my room." Hawke is not used to seeing Fenris like this, he rarely drinks too much and usually not to this excess. "So much for needing space, more like a few cheap pints!"
At Hawkes voice, Fenris seems to come round, and opens his bleary eyes and exclaims "See Hawke, I told you I would come back!" Surprisingly coherent for one who can't stand on his own two feet.
He wrestles out of both Sebastian's and Avelines grasp and flops forward onto his knees, crawling over to where she stands.
He then puts his hands on her still flat stomach and says. "Sorry for scaring your mother, little one, but you were a surprise. I - I cannot wait to meet you." He then smiles up at Hawke. "Hawke, I love you and I am sorry for reacting poorly to your news, but please give me a chance?"
At this proclamation he then passes out for the second time that night.
"Ah, Hawke, is there something you want to tell us?" Comes Aveline's shocked question.