Disclaimer: I don't own Community, but if I did Troy Barnes would have used the Hawthorne inheritance to launch a career as a rap artist using a stage name from an Internet website.
Chapter 7 - Advanced Public Health
Week 11
Jeff and Britta have met up for a meal together. Granted, it's breakfast in the Greendale cafeteria before the study group meets, but it still counts as one-on-one. Jeff is gratified to think it means the blonde may be finally softening a little.
"What's your little friend doing with the dean, Jeff?" Britta asks.
"Oh, crap." Jeff replies, as he spots the CATCH KNOWLEDGE sign over the cafeteria and Annie and the dean standing outside wearing "STD Fair '09" t-shirts. "He roped her in to help run the STD fair and, being Annie, she's gone all in on it."
Britta smiled slightly at hearing Jeff say something even mildly derogatory about the other girl, but then checked herself. Way to betray the Sisterhood, Perry.
"If we just look straight ahead and keep walking, we won't have to have a conversation about the Clap before breakfast." Britta suggested.
"Good call," Jeff smiled wryly.
"Catch knowledge!" Annie calls in a cheery voice,while attempting to give Jeff a leaflet.
"Sorry, not interested -" Jeff pushes by as Annie's mouth falls open in a slight moment of shock.
"-in ignoring your very important cause." He swivels through 180 degrees as a young blonde woman with an STD Fair sticker on her jacket walks out of the cafeteria and straight past him.
Seriously, Winger? Did any conscious thought at all happen then or was that pure instinct? Britta thought to herself as she stopped going forward and turned around.
"Hi, I'm Jeff Winger." He says to the new blonde with his patented smile.
"Oh, Sabrina is my new secretary." The dean cuts in.
"'Secretary' is a little degrading to women." Says Sabrina. "I help the dean do officey things."
"Oh! Gender saved." Britta has caught up and has decided to amuse herself seeing just how ridiculous this situation can get.
"My casual friend and I are going to have a non-romantic breakfast if you'd like to join us." Jeff says to Sabrina, while Britta pulls a face.
"The cafeteria's closed while we set up for the fair." Says Annie, who is smiling again - she is determined Jeff's blonde hippy friend is not going to see her be anything other than cheery or positive.
"Fortune cookie?" She offers. Jeff takes one out of the basket.
The dean is bubbling over with enthusiasm. "Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of public health fever!"
Britta decides to inject a note of realism into the discussion. "You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?"
"Because they keep getting stolen!" The dean says. "Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall."
Sometimes its impossible to satirise this place. Britta thinks to herself, but all she says out loud is "Problem solved." The dean and Sabrina walk away talking, leaving Annie alone with Britta and Jeff.
Jeff has opened his fortune cookie. "You will get AIDS."
Annie's still putting on a perky front. "Flip it over."
"Unless you go to the STD fair."
" I wrote that." Annie says, still with a smile on her face. Jeff and Britta look at her with a distinct expression of disbelief on theirs.
"Congratu-horrible!" Jeff says, looking utterly dismayed.
Annie's smile slips slightly. "See you later!" She says and skips away to hand out more leaflets.
Jeff and Britta exchange a look.
"Do you sometimes get the feeling that either you're mad or everyone else is?" Jeff says.
"At Greendale?" Says Britta. "All the time. Do you want to see if the vending machines in the student lounge have been restocked yet?"
"That depends - will there be anyone there trying to give me AIDS via a fortune cookie?"
They walk off together. Annie's smile slips slightly as she sees them go - the blonde really does seem to be Jeff's match in a way Annie couldn't hope to be - but then she see's someone else walk up and it's back. "Catch knowledge!" She says, handing out a leaflet.
XXXXXX
(Jeff has allowed Pierce's taunting about not having a date to get to him. He has been phoning women's numbers from off his contact list, without any luck. Unknown to him, Britta has been watching him.)
"Ahh, Pierce really got to you, huh?" She says, walking over.
" It has been a dry spell. But that's only because it's been a while since I've tried, so I'm trying."
"Yeah, I can see that." Britta has seized Jeff's phone and is flicking through his logs. "This is a lot of outgoing calls.
"Car wash redhead.
Tube top, REM Concert.
Juror number six - that sounds above board.
At least you have 'mommy' in here."
"It's not my mom." Jeff snarked.
"Dude, not cool."
"You saying 'dude' is not cool."
"What are you doing?"
Britta had hit 'dial' on a number. Her own phone started ringing.
" Hah! 'Hot blonde, Spanish class'? You're welcome. This is the phone book of a man in his 20s - the women literally have no identities."
Britta had carried on scrolling through Jeff's contacts. "Hang on a minute," She frowned as she looked a bit closer. "'Annie'? How come your little friend gets a name while the rest of us are just attributes? Why isn't she in here as 'stacked brunette, front row' or something? "
Jeff sighed. "It's for the same reason as Troy is in there as 'Troy' and not 'biceps, tight ass' - "
"Oh, I wish Pierce were here to hear this…" Britta said.
"Hey - I'm sufficiently confident in my heterosexuality that I'm not afraid to recognise good work when I see it. And not a word to Pierce, Britta."
Britta raised her eyebrows, signalling she was not impressed with the diversion. Jeff sighed again. "It means I really don't look at her that way Britta - she really is just a friend. She's practically still a kid, it would be way too weird."
"Jeff Winger, 'just a friend' with an attractive young woman who kissed him in public two weeks ago? I don't believe it." Britta replied flatly.
"That kiss was strategic and joyless - we only did it to win the debate. But believe what you like Britta, " Jeff sighed. "It's the truth. Now give me my phone back."
"What a minute. I just want to see what you've got Shirley down as - "
Jeff dived over the table and swiped the phone back. "Game over, Britta."
XXXXXX
(The evening of the STD fair. The dean is delighted at how well it's going and has asked Annie a favour. Annie is panicking slightly and is asking Marcia for help.)
"Marcia, I have a problem! The dean wants me to demonstrate the proper use of a condom at the stupid fair by putting one on a mannequin's stupid manthing - It's a big honour but I'm going to screw it up!"
Marcia doesn't see what the problem is. "it's easy enough to practice, Annie. Can you get hold of a banana or a cucumber?"
"This is an anatomically correct model I'll be handling - real wingdings are nothing like cucumbers! Are they?"
Marcia can barely believe her ears."Annie - have you never seen one?"
She suddenly starts laughing. "Oh crap, Annie - you're not a, a virgin are you?"
Annie is suddenly mortified with embarrassment. "I'm not a virgin! I had... relations with my high school boyfriend. We did it to Madonna's erotica on the floor of his walk-in closet, but he wouldn't let me look at it. And he cried after, and during. He's gay now." She finished sadly.
Marcia didn't know whether to laugh out loud or be horrified. She decided to try sympathy instead.
"Annie, honey." She said, gripping the other girl's shoulders. "I think he was gay then. So you, uh, you never saw one when you were growing up? Like, you know, on the Internet, or at High School?"
Annie shook her head miserably. "What I need to do is practice on the actual model, but the dean has it locked in his office."
"That's easy enough. Just go and ask him - tell him you want to practice."
"No! This is really embarrassing - I don't want anyone to know. I just want to figure out how to do it and get it over with." She said miserably.
"Well, if you're not prepared to ask the dean to let you practice on the model your only option is to find a guy you trust who'll let you practice on the real thing, as it were." Marcia grinned suddenly and pulled out her phone. "Jeff gave me his number after Halloween -"
"NO!" Annie screamed and grabbed Marcia's phone. "Don't you dare even mention this to Jeff, or anyone! He doesn't take me seriously as a grown up as it is, and if that blonde witch who's been playing hard to get around him finds out she'll make sure nobody forgets it! Look, the dean is counting on me, and I want him to know that I'm someone he can trust - we'll have to break into his office."
Marcia shook her head. "B&E isn't my style Annie. You're on your own on that one, I'm afraid. Good luck." She gave her friend a quick hug, then walked away shaking her head in bemusement.
Annie walks off in the opposite direction, until she finds a supply closet. She rummages around a bit until she finds what she's looking for - a janitor's toolbox. She helps herself to it and heads off to the dean's office.
When she get's there, she finds it's locked with a padlock. She gets a screwdriver out of the toolbox and starts attacking the mounting plate. She's got two screws undone and is starting on a third when a torch suddenly illuminates her.
"What's going on here?" Annie turns around, and sees a uniformed security guard.
"Don't you move." He said. She freezes. "I'm calling the dean."
"I get a phone call too, right?" Annie whimpers, timidly.
XXXXXX
Jeff's evening has been somewhat of a mixed bag. After being goaded by Pierce over his lack of a date, he persuaded Sabrina to be his date for the night after barely a minute of chat - and half of that was with the dean, to find out some of her interests. She had her good points - she was hot, and handsy in a way that promised good things later, but ye gods she was dumb. And Pierce was, well, Pierce. Pierce's date Doreen on the other hand was thoroughly charming and Jeff found himself really enjoying talking to her. After both Pierce and Sabrina have left the table for a moment, Jeff takes the opportunity to concentrate on Doreen.
"You know, you are not what I expected from one of Pierce's dates. You're smart, you're classy. You're not wearing go-go boots."
Doreen laughed. "They're getting re-soled. Am if I'm not what you expected from one of Pierce's dates, you're not what I expected from one of his friends."
Jeff smiled. "Oh, do tell."
"Well, you know what I do for a living and you're neither grossed out nor unhealthily intrigued."
"I can hardly take the high ground, Doreen. I'm a lawyer, and I'm sure you've heard the joke about the difference between your profession and mine?"
Doreen smiles. "We both screw people for a living -"
"-but when you do it, the person on the receiving end gets to enjoy the experience." Jeff finished.
Doreen laughs pleasantly at the old joke. "You know, despite what most people think, I actually spend most of my time talking. As men get older, they want to spend their time with someone they can have a real conversation with."
"Oh, that is going to suck." Jeff comments.
"'Going to', Jeff? Look, Sabrina's cute, but she thinks that Monty Python is the evil snake from Harry Potter."
"Trust me, I know girls I can converse with who are way more annoying."
Jeff's phone rings. He sees "Annie" flash up on caller ID. "And this is one of them, right now." Doreen raises her glass in sardonic salute.
"Edison, what's going on? This had better be an emergency -"
"Jeff, I've been arrested! I'm being held in the dean's office!"
"Annie, what the - ? Never mind. Don't say a word. If they try to make you, say you're not prepared to talk until your lawyer gets there. I'll be there in five." Jeff hangs up.
"Ooh! I didn't know you were a lawyer!" Sabrina has come back, she looks very interested now.
"Sorry babe - got to run, my client's in trouble. See you around." He turns to the other woman present.
"Doreen, it was nice to meet you."
"You can do better, Jeff." She says in a low voice.
Jeff briefly looks over at Pierce. "So can you, Doreen."
XXXXXX
"Annie, what on earth has being going on here?" The dean says.
Annie looks simultaneously defiant and petrified. "My lawyer has instructed me not to say a word until he gets here."
"Your what?" The dean cries out. He suddenly grabs Annie's phone, ignoring her squeak of protest, and checks the call log.
"Oh, that lawyer."
XXXXXX
Jeff breezed in through the office door a couple of minutes later. Annie flashed him a nervous smile. "Good evening everyone. Annie, Dean - great to see you again, Officer Cackowski." He shook the guard warmly by the hand.
"And you, Mr Winger."
"How's your wife, Craig?"
"She's feeling much happier – we wrote a letter just the way you suggested, and the company responded with an offer of compensation by return of post."
"I'm really pleased to hear that." By now, Annie and the dean were both looking completely bemused at the byplay. Jeff shifted into a tone of voice that, while still friendly, was much more businesslike. "Now, if you can tell me what's been going on here I'm sure we can sort this misunderstanding out momentarily."
"Well –" Annie said, before Jeff shushed her. "I'd like to hear Officer Cackowski tell it first if you don't mind Annie."
"I was doing my rounds and on passing the dean's outer office I heard a strange noise coming from inside. On investigating further, I found miss Edison kneeling next to the door attempting to force open the lock. I notified the dean, and allowed miss Edison to call you."
"Mm-hmm." Said Jeff. "so, what exactly is my client being accused of?"
Well, breaking and entering, obviously – "said the dean before Jeff interrupted him.
"What was broken? It looks like my client was if anything going out of her way to avoid breaking anything."
"Well, yes but – "
"Thank you, dean. And entering, what was entered?"
"Well, nothing. But that's only – "
"Thank you dean."
The dean was starting to get distinctly agitated." But what about the theft of a toolbox!"
"As I'm sure the good officer will confirm," Jeff nodded towards the security guard, "but it only counts as theft if there's intent to permanently deprive. Annie, were you intending to keep the toolbox?"
"Of course not! I was going to return it as soon as I was finished."
"So, no breaking and entering and no theft. I really don't see why we're wasting any more of anybody's time on this."
"Jeffrey!" The dean was frantic now. "Stop this! My office has been violated –"
"Dean! Sidebar please." Jeff had abruptly adopted the tone of voice that had made him feared by prosecutors across the state. He took the dean by the elbow and led him out into the corridor. The strange little man appeared to cheer up noticeably at the physical contact. "Look dean, " Jeff whispers urgently. "This is Annie Edison we're talking about – a girl who is normally pathologically honest, but who tends to panic under pressure. Now I don't know why she did this – "
"Well – " the dean tried to interrupt, Jeff wouldn't let him.
"And I don't care, but I do know that she wouldn't have tried this if she wasn't feeling trapped somehow. You know this girl – she's by a long way the smartest, hardest working student in this place, she volunteers for everything and she's half of the debate team that won the only trophy anybody from Greendale has won since forever. Do you really want her to get so upset she quits and goes to City College?"
"But my office!"
What the heck's he got in there that he's so afraid of getting found? Jeff wondered to himself. Jeff decided to play his last card, a bluff, but a card nevertheless. "Dean, she's my best friend here – half the grades I've got have only been as good as they are because of help she's given me. If she goes, I might have to follow her."
"You're bluffing!" The dean sounded bereft.
"Do I look like I'm bluffing?" Jeff has an excellent poker face.
The dean put on a creepy little smile and reached out to stroke Jeff's pecs. "Of course you're right, Jeffrey." He turned around and went back into the office.
"Annie," he said. " Jeffrey and I have discussed this and we agree it's all been a misunderstanding. You're free to go."
Annie jumped up with a squee of delight and hugged the dean, then she saw Jeff standing in the door and ran over to hug him too. "Thanks Jeff, this means a lot."
"Let's get you out of here Edison before anything else happens." He turned to the security guard and offered his hand. "Thanks for keeping it sane, Craig. See you around." The guard took Jeff's hand and shook it.
"A pleasure, Mr Winger. Have a word with your friend though, please? And if you can return this?" He handed over the tool box. Jeff took it in his right hand – his left was still draped over Annie's shoulder just as her arm was still around his waist. He started to lead her away.
"Well, aren't they a cute couple?" He heard the dean say somewhat sourly behind him. They let go of each other.
"Show me where you got this thing from, Edison."
Annie was only too happy to, especially as Jeff had shown no interest in why she was breaking into the dean's office in the first place. "So Edison, why were you breaking into the dean's office in the first place?" He said, after dropping the toolbox back at the storage closet.
Damn, spoke too soon. "Aw – do I have to, Jeff?" She put on her best Disney eyes. This time, Jeff wasn't giving in.
"Edison, I threw over a Sure Thing for you tonight. The least you owe me is an explanation."
Annie suppressed a twinge of pain at Jeff's casual revelation and sighed. "Lawyer/client confidentiality?" After he smiled and nodded Annie told him the full story, even including Marcia's less than helpful suggestions.
Jeff was shaking his head in bemusement by the end of it. "Only in Greendale."
He turned, gripped her by the shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes. "Look, Annie – you're a great kid, and this place is lucky to have you. Don't ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise."
Oh, great. He's back to thinking I'm a kid again. "Thanks Jeff. It's lucky to have you, too."
"I think we all know that." She elbowed him gently in the side and then hooked her hand back round his elbow. Jeff let her.
They wandered slowly back to the cafeteria, not talking much but simply enjoying each other's company. Just as they were approaching the entrance to the cafeteria they heard the tannoy crackle into life and Abed's voice ring out.
"Attention, Greendale students. Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms!"
It was one absurdity too much. Annie let out a scream that swiftly turned into gusts of laughter. Jeff watched her with an expression of amused tolerance on his face. She gradually recovered. "Walk me to my car, Jeff?"
"Your wish is my command, milady."
XXXXXX
It was the end of a long, strange day and Jeff was feeling tired and - oddly for him - somewhat reflective about things. He thought for a moment about what Doreen had said about needing more substantial relationships, and pulled out his phone and scrolled down to 'Hot blonde, Spanish class', erased the label and typed 'Britta' instead. He actually did feel somewhat better.
XXXXXX
(Study group next day.)
Jeff walks in the room, slightly late as usual. Pierce has a huge grin on his face as he nods towards Troy.
"'Biceps, tight ass' eh? I knew you were gay!"
"Britta!"