Entry Five

-

She drove. She had no clear destination, and just this once, it felt good. God, when was the last time I just wandered? she reflected. Always running to something, or away...

Streetlights faded in her rear view as civilization was left behind. Her hands on the wheel were sure as they turned and twisted, and she abandoned herself to her subconscious navigator. Soon enough the smell of salt and sea air slowed her. Should've known. She parked with a shaky sigh, raking a hand through her hair.

She popped her trunk and grabbed a blanket and bottle of wine from its depths. Definitely should've known. Especially when I got it in my head to bring a bottle with me. She slammed the trunk shut, leaning on it a second longer than she needed. Do I really want to do this to myself? With another sigh – Why the hell not? I'm already a mess, and a moron -- she wound her way down to the beach.

She found the spot, a little nook in the dunes, and laid down the blanket. She made quick work of opening the bottleand took a grateful swig as she sat.

What the hell am I doing here, of all places, tonight? She watched the waves crashing, listened to the sea, let the rhythm seep into her soul. Time bled away as she tried to make sense of her chaotic thoughts. Deep breath, Walker. In through your nose, out through your mouth. She took another deep draw from the bottle. Send it all out to sea. It was cathedral-quiet around her, no lovers murmuring to each other under the velvet of night. Thank God. She tipped her head back, eyes falling shut as moonlight bathed her face. Guessing it's too late to wish upon a star, huh? She opened her eyes with a disgusted sigh and took another drink.

Oh hell. He stood frozen with his hands in his pockets, looking down from the top of the dune. Great, just...great. Blond hair and porcelain skin reflected moonlight, setting his pulse racing. He lifted his eyes to the heavens plaintively. Really? Can I not catch a break at all? He closed his eyes and shook his head. Never should've come here. Should've known better. He turned back towards the parking lot.

"Unless you have another bottle of wine in the car, you may as well just come down here," her voice drifted up. Figures he'd have to turn up, right? She gestured to the expanse of blanket beside her.

Damn it. "I, uh...I was just going to..."

"Run away?" she questioned. Back to her. Leaving me alone again.

He didn't turn as he replied. "Wouldn't you be the expert on that, Agent Walker? Running away from me, running to Bryce, and Cole, and now him." And damn you to hell for it.

She squeezed her eyes shut against the sudden clenching of her heart. God, Chuck, like I don't know I screwed it all up? "Chuck, I-"

"And where is Shaw tonight, huh? Shouldn't you be having extremely athletic sex right now?" The bitterness in his voice shocked him, but the apology stuck in his throat. He gets to kiss you, hold you, he gets…what I should've had, what you made me believe you wanted for us…

"We -"

He gritted his teeth, pressing his hands against his closed eyes. "You know what? Don't answer that. This is stupid. I'm with Hannah, and damn it, she will never be you, Sarah, and I know that, but she's there. She's real. I don't know if I ever really knew you at all, not anymore. I thought I did. Maybe you're just that damn good. But whether I'm a mark or whether you're lying to yourself, I deserve to be happy. And this is the closest I've gotten to that in a long time. The closest I've gotten that wasn't interrupted by the Ring, or the government, or your insecurities. So I'll leave you to moon over the latest Bryce look-alike to cross your path and take myself home," he spat. Why the hell do I care anymore...

Sarah recoiled as if slapped, tears springing to her eyes. How the hell did we get here? "Chuck..." she called weakly. Damn it. She heard a muffled curse and looked behind her, finding him still framed by moonlight. "Chuck?"

Damn it all to hell. Still facing the parking lot, he spoke. "I'm sorry, Sarah," he said quietly, looking to the sky again. "It's just..." I love you. I want you. I hate you. I hurt, damn it and I want you to hurt too. And you're here, in our place, and...

Oh God, Chuck, I know...She looked up at his silhouette, and the slump of his shoulders, the obvious pain, tore at her. "Sit with me?" she asked softly. Don't hate me that much, that being near me is unbearable... "Please?"

Still he wouldn't turn. "Why?" he asked. Why would I torture myself? You're not mine, you can't be, and I'm not yours. Not anymore.

Because I love you. The answer sprung to mind with crystal clarity, so sharp that the tears she'd been holding spilled over. "Because I don't want to be alone," she lied.

Wrong answer. "I shouldn't even have asked," he laughed bitterly. Chuck turned and met her eyes for the first time. Is she...crying? The reprimand died on his lips. "Sarah?"

"I..." She swiped at her eyes. Damn it, get a grip. Just tell him. "Shaw and I..."

Chuck shook his head. You're a sucker, Bartowski. You have a girl who cares about you -- a real girl -- and you're still on the Walker Roller Coaster. He looked at her, tears in her eyes, bottle in her fist, moonlight shining, and shook his head again. "I can't, Sarah. It's not fair to Hannah, and it's not fair to me." He turned and walked away.

"I made a mistake!" she blurted desperately. I ruined everything. Any chance we had. Anything we could've been. She buried her head in her hands. "I made a mistake, I left him," she whispered.

She heard the car door slam. Come back...please..

Time froze. Then the car started, and drove away.

-

She sat, arms wrapped around her knees. You're an absolute idiot, Walker. You had everything -- everything -- in reach and you threw it away. He loved you. "But I don't deserve it," she protested to the ocean. "I never have."

He thought you did. He wanted to love you. It's all he wanted. And you wouldn't let yourself love him back. Idiot. Sarah cast her gaze out to the ocean again, white-crested waves unrelenting. But he hates me now. How do I fix that? Her father's voice murmured in her memory. "That's why we're called confidence men, darlin', because we exude confidence, we are confidence. We know, without a doubt, there's nothing we can't do, can't get, if we want it badly enough."

Well, if ever I needed to believe that...She thought of the look on his face, in his eyes, how defeated he looked...God, I really have to fix this. She blew out a breath, and looked down at the bottle she'd stuck into the sand. Offering to the gods? she thought with a wry smile. She upended it, closing her eyes as wine drained into the sand. Let me be able to fix this, she prayed.

Chuck squeezed the steering wheel as he fled. Can't I have one place, just one, where Sarah doesn't haunt me? A minute of peace to try to figure out what I want? Her voice echoed in his head, pleading with him to turn around. Yeah, you definitely made a mistake, Sarah, and so did I. You couldn't be honest with me...and I still care.

"Oh, God, what am I doing?" Chuck slammed his hands on the wheel in frustration. I'm lecturing Sarah about being fair, when I'm being just as callous with Hannah. He sighed. "Damn it." Don't be an idiot. Sarah will never get there, and you know it. You know it. It was right there, and she threw it away. What are you waiting for? He took a deep breath, let it out heavily. Forget it, just go home. See how you feel in the morning. He drove back to his apartment on autopilot.

As he closed the door behind him, Chuck sighed, massaging his temples. It's times like these I'm glad I moved out, even if it's three doors. He dropped his keys on the sideboard and went back to the bedroom. He flopped on the bed fully dressed, kicked off his shoes and closed his eyes, willing sleep to claim him.

She broke every speed limit. I have to be able to fix this. I have to. She ignored her roiling stomach, refused to acknowledge the nausea threatening. I will fix this. I will. I made a mistake. I'll explain, and ask him to forgive me, and wait if I have to. But I...I can't...he has to know, he deserves to know how I feel.

Echo Park appeared, looming like the maws of hell. Maybe I shouldn't have sped? She swallowed hard as she parked, praying Ellie, Awesome, and Casey were safely away from the windows. If they see me, I'm dead. She took a deep breath and left the car.

From his apartment, Casey heard her car alarm beep. About damn time, he smirked. He lifted his snifter of brandy in silent salute as blonde tresses flew past the windows.

She stopped as she reached out to knock on his door, deflated. What if...what if I'm too late? Uncertainty stilled her hand.

Laughter and the clack of heels poured into the courtyard as Sarah stood frozen. Oh no. Please tell me the Fates aren't that cruel...She closed her eyes, refusing to turn around. As the footsteps faded to silence, she knew she was caught.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here," Ellie ground out.

Chuck groaned. Why can't I just sleep? Is that too much to ask? A little mindlessness? He sat up, rubbing his eyes. Fine, if I can't sleep, let me be productive at least. Some tai chi, maybe some capoeira...He moved to the living room and paused. Was that knocking? He peered out the window and stood quietly, listening.

You have some serious nerve. Ellie glared murderously at Sarah's back."You have about ten seconds before I call the police." Devon laid a hand on her shoulder, but she shook it off. I'll be damned if I let her hurt him any more.

Sarah clenched her fists, fingernails biting into her palms. "I...I need to..." I have to try, I have to fix it.

"You need to tell me the truth, is what you need to do. Why the hell are you here? Haven't you done enough?" Devon squeezed her shoulder again, refusing to be shrugged off. Ellie took a deep breath. And why shouldn't I kick your ass?

"I..." Sarah pressed a hand to the door, trying to draw strength from the oak as she turned to Ellie's furious gaze. "I..." Oh God. Tears welled and spilled, beyond her control. I'm broken, and screwed up, and the only person in the world who can make me feel whole and safe is on the other side of this door.

"You should've told him that to begin with, Sarah, not run to someone else. I'm not buying." That's love, you idiot, but you couldn't recognize it when it counted.

Sarah's eyes widened. Oh crap. I said that out loud? "I know," she whispered. "I screwed up royally. Chuck...Ellie, he...he scares me. He's so...loyal, and loving, caring, giving, and I...I don't know if I have it in me to give that back to him, and I know he deserves that. I know he does." Sarah dropped her gaze to the ground. "I've just seen…I'm just not…I'm going to..." Hurt him. Oh God. It's the only thing I've ever done. She took a deep breath, wrapping her arms around herself. He doesn't deserve any more hurt. And she can make him happy, he said so. She glanced behind her at the closed door. "Just don't tell him I was here," she said hoarsely as she took a step away from his door.

"You're unbelievable, you know that?" Ellie glanced behind Sarah and glared at the shadow in the blinds. Don't you dare open that door! "You give me that big speech about all the things Chuck is, what he deserves, and you give up. Well good riddance to you, Sarah. Good riddance." Ellie threw her hands in the air. "Don't you get it? At no point, not once, in this whole damn mess have you given him the choice. Good riddance to you, if you can't understand that this involves more than just you. Are you that oblivious? My God, Sarah, you think my brother falls in and out of love that easily? You're either here to fight for him or not. Pick one, and do it." She spun on her heel and stalked into her apartment.

Sarah buried her face in her hands. How the hell do I always screw it up at the last second?

"She's right, you know," Devon offered quietly. "You can't do this to him anymore, Sarah. You were awesome together when everything was clicking. Whatever changed, and I'm gonna guess it has to do with the whole," he looked around, lowering his voice, "spy thing," raising it again to continue, "you broke his heart. I mean, I saw him. Not awesome. And then you're with someone else? Totally not awesome." He sighed. "Look, I know you and the Chuckster were supposed to be all make-believe, but I like to think I see things the way they are." He nodded towards the door. "Knock, if you're ready to be honest, and risk him slamming the door in your face. But if you're not, walk away, Sarah, and don't come back."

She opened her mouth to respond, but Devon only shook his head. "There are no guarantees in life, Sarah. We both know it, better than most. You just have to figure out what's worth the risk, and what's not. If he really makes you feel like you say, that's awesome. But make sure he makes you feel that way because you love him. Anything less, you can get the same from a good therapist." He turned and followed Ellie into the apartment, quietly shutting the door.

So what are you willing to risk, huh? No one else is going to make you feel the way he does, and you know it. So what's it worth? She turned...

...and saw the door was already opened. Silhouetted in the low light of the apartment, he'd never looked more perfect.

Did I really just hear all that? Chuck looked at her tear-stained face and his heart started to pound.

Oh God. "I...um...I...." She took a breath. Try using your words, Walker. "How long have you been there?" she whispered.

He licked his lips. "Depends on whether you meant what you said." Because if you're lying, I want to forget I ever heard that.

Put up or shut up. "I..." She blew out a breath and looked up at him. Truth, Sarah. "Every word," she confessed.

Chuck closed his eyes. Don't freak out. Opening them, he stood aside to let her in.

She took a deep breath as she entered. Okay, you're in. Don't screw it up again...She looked up into his expectant gaze. "Chuck...I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I made you doubt yourself. And most of all, I'm sorry that I'm…a coward." Now the hard part..."I, um...Chuck, I broke it off with Shaw tonight," she said softly. "You were right, I was running. I was scared." God, I feel lighter saying that out loud..."Tonight, at the beach, I was trying to figure out what to do about...well, about you. About us. If..." She swallowed hard. "If there could still be an us..."

He swallowed. "That's...that's..." He walked back to the kitchen. I need to do something normal, or else I'm gonna lose my mind. "Want anything?" he asked, leaning over the refrigerator door looking at its contents.

She smiled and shook her head as she followed him into the kitchen. How could I be so stupid? So blind?

She reached under him and closed the door, forcing him to straighten tantalizingly close to her. She looked him straight in the eye as she answered, certainty making her voice strong.

"Just you."

"Sarah -"

"Just you, Chuck. Just you. And I know I screwed up. I'll wait. You're worth it. And if Hannah can make you happy like I can't..." God I hope not..."Then I brought it on myself, and I'll have to live with that." She swallowed. "But I'm here, and I'm willing to try."

Chuck took a step away, thrusting his hands in his pockets. "Why? Why now?" Just when I gave up on you.

"Being with Shaw...it was like, I was with a mark. I wasn't real, we weren't real. We were...convenient. And...I know no one could ever make me feel as real as I feel when I'm with you," she quietly confessed. "I want to be a real girl, Chuck. And I want that with you."

Wow. "I...Sarah, I have to honest. I don't know how I feel." Liar. Can't make it too easy, though. "But I can tell you this..."He took her hand in his, marveling at the thrill such a simple touch from her still sent through him, and smiled. "It's a start."