Things are off to a lousy start at Hopeful Hills. How will Cartman survive fat camp with Wendy as his peer counselor?

Slim Chance

"Now that you've all been paired up with a counselor," Rick finished, "we'll give you a little time to get to know each other."

Wendy walked over to her new "client" with a sour look on her face. "Cartman."

"Testaburger," he returned her greeting with his arms crossed.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm trying to better myself by getting in shape, Wendy," he put on his calm business demeanor. "It really is a lovely facility, don't you think?"

"Don't play innocent with me. I don't know what you're up to, but I'm here to aid in the fight against childhood obesity."

"Oh, this is bullcrap! I came here to lose weight, and they stuck me with a loud-mouth hippie chick! This whole peer counselor thing is a conspiracy against me!"

"Look Cartman, I don't care how you feel about me, but this is an important cause, so you'd better not mess things up around here!"

"Ah, Wendy," said a prudish voice behind her. "My, you're looking radiant as always."

"Sorry, I'm a little busy right now, Gregory."

"I know what you mean. An activist's work is never done."

"AH-FAG!" Cartman sneezed.

"Do you have to add your two cents into everything?" Wendy screamed.

"Wendy, I really can't be around you when you're like this," Cartman responded calmly. "I have feelings too, you know. Later, ho," he walked away.

"Cartman, come back here!"

"Let him go for now," Gregory placed his hand on her shoulder.

"It's my job to keep an eye on him. Come to think of it, where's your camper?"

"I left him with Rick and Susan so I could talk to you. I heard about your breakup with Stanley. I never would have guessed it."

"We've broken up before."

"Of course you have. I was referring to the unexpected circumstances behind this breakup."

"What unexpected circumstances?"

"Oh come now, Wendy, you don't have to pretend with me. After all, I'm sure it wasn't your fault Stanley ended up being a little light in the loafers."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Gregory," she answered defensively.

"Oh, don't I? My occupation has made me extremely perceptive to changes in people's behavior. Do you really think I didn't notice him sneaking off during recess with that little boy toy of his? Honestly, for somebody who wishes to remain in the closet, he certainly isn't very effective at hiding his little trysts."

"That's none of your business!"

"I must say it's quite humorous: all this time, Stanley Marsh acts as the South Park Cows' star quarterback, when he really plays much better as a wide receiver," he chuckled.

"How can you be so insensitive?"

"You of all people should understand my contempt for that rogue. You chose him over me. I see it only fit that I expose him for what he truly is."

"People know that you don't like Stan, and you look down on everybody anyway, so why would they listen to you?"

"I think that these photographs would speak volumes." Gregory pulled out several pictures of Stan and Gary sharing what they thought were private romantic moments together.

Wendy gasped. "How did you take these without them knowing?"

"Please! I would have looked far too conspicuous disappearing to follow them around. I have a contact in my line of work, and he took them for me."

"Gregory, Stan doesn't deserve this. I don't want him to get hurt."

"Oh, he won't…as long as you cooperate."

"What do you want?"

"I want you as my girlfriend. I want Stanley to feel the betrayal I felt when you left me for him. And if you think I'm joking, my source also took video footage of their rendezvous, and it can go viral at any time. So what will it be, Wendy?"

She sighed in defeat. "All right. I'll be your girlfriend."

"Wonderful," he grinned. "Best get back to work. See you later, love." Gregory gave her what felt like the kiss of death on her cheek. She couldn't think about that for long, though. Right now, she needed to find her camper.

…

Cartman stood in front of the mess hall taking in the savory smell of dinner cooking. "Mmm…Swiss Colony beef log…" his mouth watered.

"There you are," said Wendy.

"Oh, you again. You forget something?"

"You can't just wander off on your own, Cartman. We're supposed to stay together."

"I don't remember ever agreeing to that."

"Why do you have to make this so difficult?"

"If you don't like it, I suggest you find another camper to counsel."

"Believe me, I'd love nothing more, but like it or not, we're stuck with each other."

"I really don't need you to look after me, Wendy. I have no desire to stray from the program."

"You already found your way to the cafeteria, and dinner is hours away."

"God dammit! Are they trying to starve me here?"

"Part of the idea is eating healthier, as in not around the clock. You'd know that if you were actually here to do the program."

"Wendy, is it really so hard to believe that I'm trying to do something positive with my life?"

She gave him a deadpan look.

"Well, I am!"

"Prove it to me then. Show that you can get along with me as your peer counselor well enough to make a real effort at getting in shape."

"Fine! I'll show you!" he got up in her face. "I'm gonna be the best camper here—way better than all these other fat assholes! Let the games begin, bitch!"

"Well, you're off to a great start," she commented sardonically. "Listen, why don't I give you a tour of a place—show you around a little to pass the time?"

"Heh! Show's how much you know. I've been here before; I know all about Hopeful Hills."

"OK, then you can show me around. This is my first time here, and I'd like to get as familiar as I can with the camp."

"Well, you picked the right guy, Wendy," Cartman boasted. "I can show you all the ins and outs of this place."

"Lead the way."
"Don't mind if I do," he proudly marched along in front of her.

As they walked along the grounds, they ran into Gregory and his camper. "Hello, what's this?"

"Cartman's showing me around."

"Perfect!" Gregory clapped. "We're both newcomers as well. Perhaps we can join you?"

"Perhaps not," Cartman suggested.

"What a shame," Gregory sighed. "A tour of the campgrounds would be a delightful way for us to spend our afternoon together, Wendy. Oh well…I suppose I could entertain my new friend here with a nice home movie instead."

"Uh…Cartman, can't they please come along?" Wendy begged. "It wouldn't be any harder to show the same spots to three people than to one, would it?"

"Ugh…I guess not."

"Thanks, old chap!" Gregory told Cartman as he locked his arm with Wendy's and clasped her hand.

"God, French people piss me off," he muttered.

I'm afraid this chapter may have turned out a little weak :( But you won't have to wait as long to get a better story from Cartman's perspective—the next chapter will be one of those rare ones involving all of the boys' vacations ;-D