Disclaimer: I don't own Pygmalion or any of the speech patterns from it, My Fair Lady, Jeeves & Wooster (question- the tender goddess line is used by which character in Jeeves & Wooster?), mummies, pubs, John Adams beer (nor any variant), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (spot the line, if you can), nor anything else used in this. If you can recognize it, I don't own it.

Sorry for the wait! My parents decided to switch cable companies for a month because it was free, and then we all hated it and tried to switch back. Unfortunately, it had a choke hold on our internet access like the Hydra in Hercules (the Disney movie, which has really great music by Alan Menken; I don't own the movie, the music, the Disney company, Walt Disney, nor Alan Menken); we solved one problem and fixed the cable access, but the evil cable company just kept coming back... It was really annoying. Of course, the internet was only down for two weeks. The rest of the time was spent suffering from homework and a massive cold. Again, sorry, but it's not my fault.

Also, my sister has finally moved off to college! Not that I want her gone, it's just that I don't like talking about things for a long time. Patience is not one of my virtues. Insanity, on the other hand...

Higgins limped into his study, looking remarkably like himself except for the grimace as he sat down.

"Shouldn't you be wearing bandages, Higgins?" Pickering asked.

"Nonsense. I'm just going to wait until Mrs. Pearce arrives, and then I'm going to a pub."

"Mrs. Pearce is not going to like either of your ideas."

"Well, I need a drink! And I can't go out in public looking like a blasted mummy! Besides, after what the wildcat did to me yesterday, Mrs. Pearce's lecture will be a walk in the park." Mrs. Pearce walked in, looking like she was about to say something, but Higgins cut her off. "Yes, I took them off. A man cannot go out in public wearing those unless he wants to answer questions. And yes, I'm going to a pub. A new one, so don't look for me in the usual spots. And yes, I expect to get so drunk that I start singing. Don't try to stop me." He ran out the door. Well, he was actually limping quickly, but it's the thought that counts. Mrs. Pearce stood there, blinking.

"Something the matter, Mrs. Pearce?" Pickering inquired.

"Eliza wanted me to tell the professor that she was extremely sorry. She was crying so much and wanted to tell him herself, but I told her to let me. Her accent has also improved, if not her grammar, and she almost sounds like a duchess."

"She's going to kill Higgins when he gets home, I imagine," the colonel murmured before turning back to his newspaper. "Go find the lad that keeps singing and pacing down the street, and tell him that Eliza wants him to find a man named Professor Higgins. Tell him he's her father's friend though, so he doesn't think there's something going on between the two."

Higgins was in a new pub. It was run by some American, James Adams, or something similar. Anyway, he was drinking and making new friends with some of the drunks in there.

"...So then, she picks up this chair, and starts hitting me with it! I mean, what sort of girl does that?!"

"Only a mental one, j'st like me wife. Except that was wiv a bowlin' ball on me foot."

"And my girlfriend hit me with a lamp when she learned I had another girl!" Announced one man. Everyone turned to look at him.

"What? Isn't this Cheaters' Anonymous?" he asked.

"No, that would be the bar three doors down from the one next door," Higgins said helpfully.

"Oh, thanks." The embarrassed man sidled out. Higgins looked around. "So where were we? Oh, did I tell you why the baggage is even in my house in the first place? She wants-"

"Professor Higgins!" Shouted a blurry figure. Higgins squinted. "Oh, it's you, Freddy. Come on, join us all for a pint!"

"Professor, it's not safe for you here!" Freddy was hauling him off the barstool and out the door.

"Wha-"

"You'll get liver disease! And alcohol is a depressant, so your life is going to look a lot worse in a few drinks! Besides, drinking isn't the answer!"

"But it's the meaning of life!" Higgins suddenly stopped as he was dragged outside into the bright sunlight. Actually, it was really cloudy, but, compared to the bar, it was bright. Freddy took advantage of these five seconds of adjusting to push Higgins into a waiting carriage.

"So, Professor, why did you feel the need to indulge in drink?"

"Huh?" answered the still stunned Professor.

"Why were you drinking? Especially American beer?"

"Oh. It's that blasted Eliza! Apparently, she gets like this once a month, and-"

"Gets like what?"

"You know... You do know about... female... cycles, don't you?"

"Female cycles of what?"

Higgins was NOT going to teach this imbecile about women. Ever. "Not the point. Once a month, Eliza suffers severe mood swings, and becomes really violent."

"Nonsense! My darling Eliza is incapable of any violence. She's a tender goddess, a pacifist nymph, a perfect-"

"A perfect blasted apocalypse if she ever gets her hands on a gun!"

After arguing for another fifteen minutes, they arrived on the street where Higgins lived. Higgins inserted a key into the door, opened it, and gallantly gestured for Freddy to go in first. Freddy did so, and promptly got hit in the nose with a slipper. He and the slipper fell back down the stairs. At the bottom, a brick tumbled out of the slipper.

"SO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME CRAWLING BACK-" Eliza had started. "OH! FREDDY DEAR!" She ran back up stairs, crying that she was incredibly sorry for it all.

Higgins walked back down the steps and helped the dazed young man up. "A tender goddess, is she?" Higgins asked sarcastically. Freddy let out a groan.

"Give her time, Higgins," said Pickering. "And hope that... it... doesn't occur during the ball. Oh, and remember that she's going to be like this again next month."

"Pickering, how do you feel about going out of the country for a week next month? Maybe travel to India, Japan, China, or some other place. We could go to America and make fun of their accents..."

Okay, so this is the end. Seriously. Except for this little paragraph. Recently, my muse came up with a certain question: what if the whole story was in real time? That would mean that Eliza would still be suffering the week or so I was working on homework. Which would mean that Mrs. Pearce would have called a doctor, kept Higgins from harassing said doctor, who would not be able to prescribe any curing since he just got out of medical school and happens to be Freddy's long-lost twin brother. Then, Eliza dies from blood loss some time in his fifth aria about how beautiful she is and how much he loves her. The doctor starts singing about killing himself and does so right before Freddie enters. Then, Freddie sings and kills himself. Then, Higgins enters, grumbles something about them getting blood all over the furniture. A month later, those three are buried. Eliza is in an elaborate crypt, while the twins are buried in the same small hole. And all this is done at Higgins' expense.

I just noticed something. I'm obsessed with the number five! Five seconds, five arias, five words before Eliza brains Higgins with the lamp... This is incredibly weird, even for me. And I have over one thousand words in this chapter! Figures it'd be the last one.

Anyway, review! Even if it's been years after it's been out! Feedback is very much welcome, and appreciated. Any flames should be sealed up so that the trees don't burn. Like they did this summer. Maybe fireproof trees would help...