Hello again, and happy holidays! It's so nice to see you all again, and I am very excited to write what I have been secretly terming "the morning after" chapter. So, without further ado, here we go! Oh, wait. Whoops. I want to mention one more thing, though. About a week ago, I got six of those "You have a new comment" emails. They were all from the same anonymous person, and they were all extremely long. Each one of them explained in detail what the person liked and disliked, and gave suggestions for improvement. I would like to say, because I know this person is now following the story, that I was truly touched. I am touched by all comments, since I have yet to receive flames, but to have someone take the time to give suggestions like that was...*cries* Thank you, very much, from the bottom of my heart. It means a lot. Because I'm an overly sensitive person like that. :D Oh well. Anyways, here we go!
The first thing Ciel Phantomhive noticed when he woke up was how remarkably warm and comfortable he was. His pillow was soft, yet very firm, and exquisitely comfortable. Closing his eyes, he decided he was simply too comfortable to wake up right now. Slowly, though, he became aware of a light touch on his back. Something cool and feather-light was tracing invisible patterns along his skin. Ciel knew he should be worried, but right now he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, worries be damned. He sighed and shifted into a more comfortable position, only to let out a gasp and groan as a sudden pain raced up his rear end and along his spine, reaching up to his right shoulder, bringing with it memories of the previous night. Oh. Sebastian was in bed with him, and he was resting his head on the man's chest. It was his fingers that were now becoming a hand, gently rubbing up and down his spine to help ease the pain.
"Forgive me, Young Master." Sebastian murmured, and his voice was quiet, subdued. "I lost control of my instincts and took advantage of you while you were weakened. You clung to me, trembling in fear, looking for security, and instead I..." His voice trailed off in shame. "Forgive me, Young Master." He fell silent. Ciel lay motionless on Sebastian's chest, doubts appearing in his mind about last night. It had most certainly felt...good...but that wasn't the point. Last night, he had been more than willing, but was that because he had truly wanted this, or because he needed a retreat from the pain? He'd been starting to feel differently about Sebastian, that much was certain. He cared for Sebastian, which was why he'd been so devastated when Sebastian had tried to kill him, but why? Was it friendship? No, it felt stronger than that. Than, maybe...love? In which case...he thought back to last night, how he felt about it now. Eventually, he decided he had no regrets. He loved Sebastian. He'd been willing because he loved Sebastian and he wanted to be with him for all eternity. There was still, however, the matter of how Sebastian felt about him. What had last night meant to Sebastian?
As the silence dragged on, Sebastian began to curse himself for his lack of restraint. He'd been doing so well. Ciel had begun to trust him again, things had been looking up. And he'd ruined it. Completely. Ciel would never want to see him again, and any hopes he'd had of going beyond the relationship of a master and butler one day were long gone, never to return. No amount of apologies would be able to repair the damage that had been done. He was doomed. Their relationship was doomed. When Ciel spoke, it was so quiet that Sebastian had to strain to hear the words. "Yesterday...what did it mean to you? Was it just possessive jealousy? Did you feel...anything...for me? Or was I just a piece of territory that you had to reclaim as yours? Answer me honestly, Sebastian, that's an order." Sebastian heart stung from the fact that Ciel even doubted that he'd tell the truth. Sebastian sighed.
"Yesterday..." He began slowly, "Yesterday...I was afraid. When I saw, you, lying on that bed, too weak to move, I was afraid. I worried you were going to die. And then you coughed up that tainted soul, and I didn't know what to do. You told me what had happened, every horrific detail of your encounter with Claude, and I was horrified. I had failed to protect you. Because of my incompetence, Claude managed to once again lay his filthy hands on you. You nearly died, and I wasn't there. The truth is...the truth is, I care about you. Much more than I should. I want you to stay with me. I want you to trust me, and me alone. I want to be the only person to hold the exquisite honour of holding you, caring for you. Claude stole that from me. He held you, he touched you, he tainted you. In a way, I suppose yesterday was the result of possessive jealousy, just not for the reason you are thinking of. The truth is, Young Master...I love you."
Sebastian held his breath. He'd confessed his feelings to his Young Master, but, even more so, to himself. Saying it aloud made it real, and he waited to see how Ciel would react. A short laugh broke him away from his thoughts, and he looked up, unaware of having bowed his head. Ciel was laughing, a harsh, bitter laugh, but at the same time, tears spilled from his eyes. "You love me? I thought I said not to lie, Sebastian." Sebastian was shocked. He doubted the reality of his feelings? "Young Master-"
"SHUT UP!" Yelled Ciel, having stopped laughing, giving way to the tears that were now running freely down his cheeks. "How could you love me? You're a demon, demons don't love. Besides, if you loved me, why did you hate me so much? If you loved me, why did you look at me the way you did? If you loved me...then why did you try to kill me?" Ciel burst into quiet sobs, putting his hands to his eyes like a baby as Sebastian sat there in a guilty silence. How long had his Young Master been holding in these pent-up feelings? Sebastian sighed.
"You're right, I did hate you." Ciel looked up, startled, as Sebastian continued. "I hated you for stealing away the soul I had worked so hard to build. If I couldn't have your soul, then there was no reason for me to continue serving you. But I had to. You gave the order, and the only way I could escape it was to kill you. It was a decision I made in the heat of the moment, with the loss of your soul still fresh in my mind. It was a rash decision, and I regretted it dearly. That was why I've been so kind to you these past few days. I was trying to repent for my actions, hoping beyond hope that, given enough time, you would forgive me, or at least forget what I had done."
"So what changed?" Ciel said quietly. "You have every reason to hate me. You're right. I stole your meal from you. Why don't you hate me? Why don't you blame me?" Sebastian gently took Ciel's hands. "Master, none of what transpired was your fault. If all had gone well, you would have willingly given your soul. How can I despise you for something that wasn't your choice? I don't blame you, Young Master. And I never will. And I hope that someday, even if you don't love me the way I love you, that you will trust me once again."
Ciel bowed his head in thought. Sebastian's love was supposedly real, but what did that mean? Even if demons could love, the methods they used to express their love were different, Ciel had seen that yesterday. Sebastian had been overcome with love for him, and he'd shown it by having sex. Ciel didn't want his relationship with Sebastian to be like that, but then, what kind of relationship did he want with Sebastian? If he decided to forget yesterday, well, a master/butler relationship for all eternity wasn't really what he wanted. If he decided to continue this, though...where would it lead? He didn't know, and that was what troubled him. What he did know, though, was that he wanted to be with Sebastian. Despite yesterday, despite his attempted murder...he wanted Sebastian. Sighing, Ciel wormed his way into Sebastian's chest, wrapping his arms around the larger man. Being with Sebastian was almost certainly going to cause him pain, and he still wanted it. Really, the Earl of Phantomhive should be more responsible. But, he reasoned with himself, as much as he wanted to deny it, he was still a child. And children weren't known for being responsible.
When Ciel began to struggle his way back into the comfort of Sebastian's arms, Sebastian could do nothing but blink in shock. "Young-"
"Shut up." Came the short reply. "I'm contemplating the fact that I'm a masochist. Besides, I'm done with this emotional blather. You know how much it irritates me, so just shut up and hold me, you idiot."
Sebastian smiled, relieved beyond words that his Master had decided to stay with him after all. Wrapping his arms around the small boy, he said, "Indeed. There has been far too much of this "emotional blather" already. But just so you know, Young Master, I've been aware of your masochistic side for a while. There are times when I find it quite endearing."
Ciel blushed.
"Shut up." Came the reply.
Whew! Completely forgot what I was going to do at the end. I was going to try and find a way to mention what was happening with Claude, so as to advance the plot at least a little bit, but... Oh well. Next chapter. I apologize for being away for so long, by the way. With the holidays, and then going back for my second semester of University, my life got a little wonky. I'll try to have the next chapter up, and I promise I will have lots of plot stuff to make up for this excuse for a chapter. I really loved it at the beginning, with Sebastian being all "You were afraid, and all I cared about was sex", plus the plot reference there, but then the end just seemed, "Well, I don't really know what to do, so let's just end it on a good note, ok?" Oh, well. Not every chapter can be the literary gold you want it to be. I've really thought I was doing a good job with this so far, so it's not like one semi-botched chapter is going to ruin my day. See you next time, and again, thanks, uh...*checks e-mail* meep (Guest). You're part of what convinced me to get up and finish the chapter!
Love you all, and thanks for reading!
See you next time!