What Draco Wants
JK Rowling owns it all. I just play with her toys.
Chapter 7
The following Monday Draco waited outside the potions classroom trying to look as if he was digging in his bag for something. He actually was waiting for Potter to arrive. Of course he would barely be on time so when Potter came around the corner in a hurry he just glanced at Draco. His footsteps faltered a bit and his brows furrowed as he looked at the blond There was a tiny shift in Potter's eyes before he disappeared into the classroom. Draco sighed and wondered what that expression meant. He didn't seem angry but Draco knew that Potter could hide behind a mask almost as well as he did. With another sigh Draco went in and sat at his desk.
After Snape's usual grand entrance, his bitter demeanor made known and demands placed upon the board the students went to work. As soon as he could Draco picked up the amulet and peered into it. Potter was staring at him. Draco shifted so he knew that the amulet was out of sight. He watched as Potter's long fingertips reached up and touched his lower lip just briefly. "He was there. His lips." was the voice in Draco's mind. It seemed flat and without emotion, just a thought, just words. Granger nudged Potter and once again they leaned over their cauldrons and began to work.
So Potter did remember the kiss. Now what was he going to do about it? Draco forced himself to do nothing. Part of him wanted to grab Potter and profess his love, to command those lips again, to pull Potter into his arms and never let him go. He knew he could do none of these things and so refused to even look at the amulet the rest of the school day. It was all this blasted spell's fault. If it hadn't been for the spells and the amulet he could still look upon Potter as the enemy. He could still go on pretending that he felt nothing for the 'boy who lived' but contempt and loathing as he had for so many years.
After supper Draco made a show of doing his homework down in the noisy common room. He knew he had been spending way to much time up in his room alone. A king can not rule behind closed doors all the time. He smiled and laughed and asserted his authority as he knew he should. The lot of if making him feel queezy in his stomach despite his light dinner. Around 7:00 that evening Draco excused himself and went up to his room at last. He pulled his boots off and set them out for the house elves to polish as he did every night and leaned back on his bed propped up by his many pillows. Taking out the amulet he peered in. He expected to see Potter with his friends or working on his homework. What he did see was Potter alone in a private room in the hospital wing facing a professional looking older man in a lab coat. Draco sat up surprised and stared at the amulet intently.
It seemed that on Monday nights Potter got counseling. From the thoughts that came so quickly into his mind from Potter's he knew this man as Doctor Bates, who had made an unbreakable vow not to repeat anything he heard, and not to ever use legilimens on Potter. Potter was free to think and tell this man what he wished him to hear. This was to Draco's advantage because Potter thought very carefully before answering any of the doctor's questions. He could not hear their voices but Potter's mind was like a running dialog. Draco, it seemed, dropped in the middle of the session.
"How do I feel when I'm in danger? What kind of whacked question is that? Of course I'm afraid, everyone is." None of this Potter said out loud. The look on his face was one of pondering. Flashes of images assaulted Draco's mind all from Potter's perspective. A huge troll's hand reaching out to grab him. Another face in the back of a professor's head. A white hot flash filled his body with writhing pain. The Dark Lord so close he could smell his putrid breath, his touch as cold as death. Over and over images so horrible filled Draco's mind. His body was covered in sweat and his hand was shaking so badly he could barely hold onto the amulet. He wanted to throw it across the room, to make it stop but he couldn't. If Potter had lived through all of this at least he could have the balls the watch the mere memories of it.
Draco had heard the rumors, he knew Potter went up against dangerous odds but it never really registered in his own mind what it would be like. In his comfortable, pampered little world his mind could not have conceived of what Potter's life really must be like. He felt so ashamed and chastised himself for being shallow and vain. As he blinked self loathing tears from his eyes he forced them back to the amulet. Potter was still thinking about how to answer the question.
The image of a graveyard filled Draco's mind. In Potter's memory he was hiding behind a tombstone holding his wand in his right hand. He looked down and saw the blood rapidly dripping to the ground though he thought it odd that it didn't hurt much at the moment. He knew he was going to die so what did one more wound matter? Draco saw the mirror Potter cover his face with his palms and rest his elbows on his knees. "Death, it always comes down to someone dieing. Gods I'm so sick of the death and the fighting. When I came out from behind that stone the day Voldemort came back I came out to face my own death. I know he will get me soon. I just have to live long enough to take him with me. So what is the answer to 'How do I feel when I'm in danger? Calm. I feel calm. Each and every time I feel that this is finally it and I will be dead and it will all be over. Yes, that is what I will say, calm"
Tears streamed down Draco's face blurring his vision. He knew Potter didn't have a death wish or he would never have survived this long. It was that someone wished it upon him long ago. "When I know that I'm going to die and that calmness comes over me I have the ability to fight harder. I can concentrate on my opponent and worry less about defensive skills. My mind is clear and blocking comes naturally but I.. I don't know how to explain it. I don't even really think about what spells I'm casting, I just do them. Only dumb luck has saved me so far. How long until that runs out? How long do I have left to live? A week, a day, a few more years? What does it matter really? I'm just a pawn in this war and as long as I fulfill my duty and take out Old Valdie with me that is all anyone cares about."
"No NO!" Draco screamed at the mirror Potter as he watched the boy's eyes darken and a hardened look set upon his face. "No! Someone cares! I'm right here you stupid defeatist prat! I told you! I told you at the ball! Yours is right here. RIGHT HERE DAMN IT!" Draco threw the amulet but the chain pulled it back and it hit him over his already aching heart. He fell against the pillows and put his hands on either side of his head. He thoughts raced in his mind "What am I going to do? What can I do? Gods all these years I thought him so high and mighty. I thought he was flaunting his fame in my face when all along... all along it was nothing more than defeat he felt, anger at being used as a pawn, a weapon of destruction. Oh Potter! Here I was taunting him, tormenting him even more. Sending out minions to do him even more harm. I'm no better than the Dark Lord. Well OK, not that bad but I honestly had no idea."
Curling up on his side Draco forced himself to look into the necklace again. He wanted to know the truth. Wasn't this why he did the spells in the first place? Know thine advisory? No, actually it wasn't the reason at first. When he learned the spells he wanted to use them as a weapon to learn how to best Potter, to make his life even harder. Shame racked Draco, tearing at his heart with such force it made him gasp out a sob. "Things change. I can make them change and I swear I will."
Potter's voice filled his mind again "Why is it that when someone speaks of death they always bring up love. What does love have to do with what I am? How can I love someone when I know they will die? Everyone I have loved is dead. I can't allow anyone to get close to me ever again." A flash of Draco's face from Potter's mind came back at him. Draco saw himself the way Potter had seen him that night, his face leaning in close to kiss him. The mirror Potter shook his head with such force his already messy hair flew into his face. A booming "NO!" came with such force into Draco's mind it shocked him. "OK OK calm down, think of a good answer for the doc and this session will be over. What to tell him? I'll just tell him that I don't know. That always seems to work"
Draco got up from the bed and padded his way to the restroom. There he splashed cold water over his face several times and blotted it dry with a thick plush towel. He had to calm himself and think over all that he had seen and heard. At the beginning of the year he had no idea how deeply this would affect him. He was so childish to think that these spells would only grant him such things as quidditch strategies, or practical jokes he could play on Potter to make himself look better. Draco loathed the person he was only a few short months ago. Could someone change so quickly because of another? How could he have let himself get into this mess? Now, not only did he know he had very deep feelings for Potter, he knew that Potter himself would reject him, reject anyone who tried to get close to him. The boy he once thought of as a fraud and a braggart was not that at all. He felt himself useless, unworthy and already dead. He had to change this, he had to do something.
Picking up the amulet again he saw Potter just as he entered the astronomy tower. He leaned over the edge and looked down. Draco held his breath in shock. "It's a long way down but I have a job to finish first" Potter sighed as he leaned his back against the wall and slid down. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed. Draco saw that Potter only wore a thin jumper and knew it must be freezing up there. He grabbed up a blanket and headed out of his room.
Before he made the bend in the stairs up that would reveal his presence to Potter Draco checked the amulet. The mirror Potter was leaned up against the wall his arms wrapped around his legs pulled tightly to his chest. He was shivering and Draco could see the puff of his breath. There were no rapid fire thoughts that Draco had expected. Just one image came into his mind and it was his own face. He could see Potter's image of him as they stood close in that dark hallway after the ball. Potter looked into his eyes, down to his lips and back up into his eyes. Draco saw his own confusion and remembered the inner struggle he was going through at the time. Why was Potter thinking about him now, especially after the session he had just been through? Draco sighed and dropped the amulet into his shirt and tried to hide his gasp as the cold metal and stone laid against his skin.
Draco faked a cough as he rounded the corner and stopped at the top step. He tried to pretend to be surprised to see Potter there and stammered some excuse for being up there.
"Naw, it's OK. I was just leaving anyway." Harry said as he made to stand up. Draco panicked a bit and took a step forward holding his hand out.
"No, no, it's OK. Please stay." Draco mentally rolled his eyes at himself at appearing so eager. Harry simply shrugged and wrapped his arms around himself suddenly realizing how cold he was. Draco held out the thick green blanket but then lowered it taking a few steps closer to Harry. He tried to make it all look so nonchalant as he carefully draped it over Harry and tucked some between his back and the stone wall. He then sat against the same wall and mimicked Harry's posture. They sat there for a long time staring out at the cloudless sky without saying a word.
Draco saw Harry turn his face to him and stated flatly "You kissed me." Draco stared back into Harry's beautiful green eyes. "Th the other night. At at the ball. You kissed me" Harry stammered. The look on his face was of innocent astonishment, as if to say "Why would you do such a thing?" Draco simply smiled at Harry and nodded "Yes, I did." Harry sighed as his eyes lowered a bit then he looked back up at Draco with pure confusion. "Why?" Draco licked his lips and chuckled nervously trying to decide how best to answer this and not scare Potter off. "Because I wanted to. Because, because we wanted to." Draco winced thinking he had been a bit to bold and now Potter would bolt. Harry cast his face to the stars once more and whispered a soft "Oh."
Draco's heart was beating so hard in his chest he thought for sure that Potter could hear it, that the whole world would hear it. Would it sound like glass when Potter shattered it with rejection? Draco tried desperately to appear calm and aloof as he sat there next to Harry. He watched Harry out of the corner of his eye and saw his pink tongue tip caress his lower lip leaving a slight shine in the moon light. Draco felt things tighten deep inside him. He felt there was a tiger pacing just inside his rib cage and he yanked back on it's leash.
Harry swallowed a lump in his throat but his voice came out in a harsh whisper anyway "Would um.. would you ever, ah you know, want to do it again?" Draco turned to look at Harry's profile and smiled. "Yea, I've thought about it, a lot actually." Harry licked his lips again and nodded nervously "OK." was all he could manage to say. "OK?" Draco asked with a smirk which turned into a smile when Harry turned to look at him.
Harry bit the side of his lip nervously thinking "Oh I am no good at this. I give up." but he looked at Draco again and his heart melted. Yes he wanted this boy to kiss him again. He had thought of little else sense the ball. His mind pleaded "Please Malfoy, just do it. I don't have the nerve. Please kiss me again." He hadn't meant for his internal pleading to show in his eyes but he saw Draco nod and move closer.
Draco's whole body was shaking, his vision was filled with the bright green eyes as he moved closer and closer. His hand raised up as he tilted Harry's head up with the curve of his index finger under his chin. He watched as Harry licked his lips again and swallowed nervously. He held his stare until Harry dropped his gaze down to Draco's lips and then back up to his gray eyes.
"OK." Draco whispered his warm breath caressed over Harry's lips. He leaned in and gently placed his lips over Harry's and pulled back, looked into his eyes again before pressing their mouths firmly together again. He heard Harry moan softly before strong arms wrapped around his back and he was pulled closer to the boy. Their chests pressed together as the blanket fell to pool in Harry's lap. Draco placed one hand at the back of Harry's neck and caressed his hair, the other he ran up and down the shaking boy's back. Harry moaned again into Draco's mouth and parted his lips begging Draco to take his mouth fully with his own. It was Draco's turn to moan loudly as his tongue caressed Harry's. "Oh he tastes so good. Oh yes this feels so right. Please don't let it end!" was all the thought Draco could manage.
Harry's hand left Draco's shoulder and gathered up the blanket in his lap. One handed he draped the blanket over Draco's shoulder. With a strength and force that surprised Draco he found himself being pulled on top of Harry's body. Their lips never parted as they lay under the stars together. Draco's hands went to each of Harry's cheeks. He parted the kiss, kissed him again softly and then when Harry lifted his head to meet them again. Harry put his hand on the back of Draco's head and held him there as their tongues caressed and their bodies pressed together. Draco could feel how hard Harry was under him and tentatively pressed his hips to Harry's. Harry gasped and arched his head back as the shock of pleasure filled him. "Do do that again." Harry panted and Draco smiled down at him softly as he shifted his hips again. Harry moaned loudly as his fingers dug into Draco's back. He parted his legs so that Draco's fell between them as he arched his own hips forward "Again, please, oh gods!" Draco held Harry's face in his hands as he kissed him deeply. He pressed his own hardness against Harry's caressing them together through their jeans. Harry arched his back, his arms clung to Draco desperately. He turned his head to the side just enough to break the kiss to moan out "Please Malfoy please don't stop." Draco looked down at Harry and saw tears fall from the corner of his eyes into his hair. He stared down into Harry's eyes so that he could show this beautiful boy all that he felt for him. His hips rocked in a steady rhythm pressing their aching cocks together with each movement. Harry's voice was thick with lust as he moaned and writhed under Draco's body. When Draco knew that Harry was close to cumming he quickly covered his mouth with his own to drown out his yells of release. Harry's body arched and remained stiff as he put his hand on the back of Draco's neck. Draco could feel the pulse against his own groin and they screamed into each others mouths. Then, as one they fell limp and panting. Draco buried his face into Harry's neck puffing his heated breath into his hair. "Oh his hair, the silken mess, how I love it" When Draco could move he planted small kisses in the crook of Harry's neck. He leaned up on his elbows and stared down at the boy who had his eyes closed. The tears had not stopped and Draco kissed Harry's temples one at a time tasting the saltiness of his tears. He knew he could not ask, words would be wrong now. He rolled over onto his side and pulled Harry with him under the blanket and held him with Harry's head on his chest. He stroked his back in small slow circles and just let the moment have itself. When he heard Harry's breathing become deeper he shook him awake and helped the boy down the astronomy tower stairs, into the school and left him at the foot of the grand stair case. He dared to take one last quick kiss on Harry's lips before he turned toward the dungeon. He left his blanket draped around Harry's shoulders.