Our love's little infinity

Chapter 7: Funeral

It has been a month since the dream and I still remember it so clearly. I am ten weeks pregnant and I have a little bump in my stomach now. Being pregnant with twins means you start to show quicker than you would if you were pregnant with just one baby.

I have made a start on the things I promised Gus. Isaac is going to get Gus' eyes in two weeks. He agreed to it because they were Gus' eyes, meaning he would still have a piece of Gus with him, for all of his life. Also so he can help me with the babies, which are also a piece of Gus. He can't help me as well if he is completely blind. Isaac and I are helping each other as best as we can. I am taking care of myself, for the babies and for Gus and Isaac. Isaac is taking care of himself for Gus, for me, and for the babies.

Kaitlyn has been helping me out to. She has been really kind and friendly, she has been very supportive. Her and Isaac haven't actually met yet. Though, they are going to meet soon. Isaac hasn't used his wish from the Genie's yet and wants to take me back to Amsterdam for a week so we can do the things that Gus and I did, and what we wanted to do but didn't actually have the time to do it. I agreed as long as Kaitlyn could go with us and he said yeah. The three of us are leaving in two weeks.

Today is the day of Gus' funeral. I stand in front of my floor length mirror, putting my earrings in. The black dress I wear shows my small but noticeable baby bump. "Hazel, are you ready?" My mum calls from downstairs.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a minute." I call back to her.

I take one last glance in the mirror before leaving my room and walking downstairs. My parents are by the door, waiting for me. "You look beautiful Hazel." My father says.

"Thanks." I say. Then we leave.

It isn't long before I'm kneeling next to Gus' coffin, his eyelids closed, covering the fact that his eyes have been taken out so Isaac could have them. At least I will get to see his eyes again, even if they aren't on him. "I love you, present tense." I say before putting my hand on the middle of his chest, "It's okay, Gus. It's okay. It is. It's okay, you hear me?" I knew he couldn't hear me, maybe he could from heaven, but the body in front of me couldn't. I lean forward and kiss his cheek. "Okay." I say. "Okay."

There are a load of people watching us, but I don't care.

I open the clutch that I hold and take out the packet of Camel Lights. I quickly put them into the space between his side and the coffins plush silver lining, hoping no one behind would notice. "You can light these. I won't mind." I say before kissing him one last time.

When I sit down next to my parents my dad gives me a tissue and I blow my nose. The minister starts speaking as soon as he gets behind Gus' coffin.

"Augustus Waters was a courageous young man. His heroism, in the face of illness is an inspiration to us all. In heaven, Augustus will finally be healed and whole," Implying that he had been less whole than others due to his leglessness, and I can't help but sigh in disgust. My father puts his hand on my knee and cut me a disapproving look.

"What a load of horse crap, eh, kid?" Someone says from the row behind me. I spin around.

Peter Van Houten wears a white linen suit, tailored to account for his rotundity, a powder-blue dress shirt, and a green tie. He didn't look to be dressed for a funeral. The minister says "Let us pray," but as everyone bows their heads, I could only stare at the sight of Peter Van Houten.

After a moment he whispers, "We gotta fake pray," and bows his head.

I try to forget about him and just pray for Augustus. I made a point of listening to the minister and not looking back.

The minister calls up Isaac, who was much more serious than he was at the prefuneral. "Augustus Waters was the Mayor of the Secret City of Cancervania, and he is not replaceable," Isaac began. "Other people will be able to tell you funny stories about Gus, because he was a funny guy, but let me tell you a serious one. A day after I got my eye cut out, Gus showed up at the hospital. I was blind and heart-broken and didn't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted 'I have wonderful news!' And I was like 'I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now,' and Gus said 'This wonderful news you want to hear,' and I asked him, 'Fine, what is it?' and he said 'You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet!'"

Isaac couldn't go on, or maybe that was all he had written.

After a High school friend told some stories about Gus and his considerable basketball talents and his many qualities as a teammate, the minister says "We'll now hear a few words from Augustus' special friend, Hazel." Special friend? Seriously?

I walk up to where you have to speak and look out to the audience. "I was his girlfriend." I say to the minister. That earns me a laugh. "There's a great quote in Gus' home, one that both he and I found very comforting. It says, without pain, we couldn't know joy."

I went on spouting bullshit Encouragements as Gus' parents, arm in arm, hugged each other and nodded at every word. Funerals, I had decided, are not for the dead, they're for the living.

After his sister Julie spoke, the service ended with a prayer about Gus' union with God. I think back to what he told me at Oranjee, about not believing in mansions and harps, but he did believe in a capital-S Something. I tried to imagine him and what he might be doing as we prayed.

After the funeral and everyone telling me I had spoken beautifully even if what I said was a load of bullshit, my parents and I got in the car. "I don't want to go. I'm tired." I say.

"Hazel," Mum says.

"Mom, there won't be a place to sit and it'll last forever and I'm exhausted." I say, being pregnant with twins is tiring, so really it's not a lie.

"Hazel, we have to go for Mr and Mrs Waters," Mum says.

I felt so small in the back seat. "Fine." I say. So we went.

…

After it was over, Van Houten walked up to me and put a fat hand on my shoulder and says, "Could I hitch a ride? Left my rental at the bottom of the hill." I shrug, and he opens the door as soon as my dad unlocks the car. When we are all seated Peter leans between the front two seats and says. "Peter Van Houten: Novelist Emeritus and Semiprofessional disappointer."

My parents introduce themselves. He shook their hands. I was pretty surprised that Peter Van Houten had flown halfway across the world to attend a funeral. "How did you even-" I start, but he cuts me off.

"I used the infernal internet of yours to follow the Indianapolis obituary notices." He says.

"And you just like bought a ticket and –"

"It was fifteen thousand for a first class ticket, but I'm sufficiently capitalized to indulge such whims. And the drinks are free on the flight. If you're ambitious, you can almost break even." He says. He takes a swig of his whiskey before offering it to my dad.

"Um, no thanks." My dad says. Van Houten then offers it to me.

"I can't drink." I say.

"Why not? You drunk Champagne when you came to Amsterdam." He says.

"I-I'm pregnant." I say, and he looks shocked.

"You're what? Wait, why don't you have you're gas tank?" He says.

"Well, my cancer is gone. And I am carrying Augustus' babies." I say.

"Babies?" He asks.

"I'm having twins." I say.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"Yeah, well the world is not a wish granting factory. God, I wish Augustus was still here." I say.

"So. Omnis cellula e cellula." Van Houten says after a few minutes.

"Huh?" I ask.

"Your boy Waters and I corresponded a bit, and in his last-"

"Wait, you read your fanmail now?"

"No, he sent it to my house, not through my publisher. And I hardly call him a fan. He despised me. But at any rate he was quite insistent that I'd be absolved for my misbehaviour if I attend his funeral and told you what became of Anna's mother. So, here I am, and there's your answer. Omnis cellula e cellula."

"What?" I ask again.

"Omnis cellula e cellula. All cells come from cells. Every cell is born of a previous cell, which was born of a previous cell. Life comes from life. Life begets life begets life begets life begets life."

We have now reached the bottom of the hill. "Okay, yeah." I say. He was not going to hijack Gus' funeral. "Thanks." I say. "Well, I guess we're at the bottom of the hill."

"You don't want an explanation?" He asks.

"No, I'm good. I think you're a pathetic alcoholic who says fancy things to get attention like a really precocious eleven-year-old and I feel super bad for you. But, yeah, no, you're not the guy who wrote An Imperial Affliction anymore, so you couldn't sequel it even if you wanted to. Thanks though. Have an excellent life." I say.

"But-"

"Get out of the car." I say. Dad has stopped the car and we stay there until Peter gets out of the car, silently.

We drive away, and as we do I watch through the back window as Van Houten took a drink and raised his glass to me, as if he were toasting me. His eyes look sad. I feel kinda bad for him.

…

We arrive home at around six, and I am exhausted. I enter my room and get ready for bed. But I don't sleep, I cry. I cry for Gus. I cry for our babies. I cry for Isaac. I cry for my parents. I cry for Gus' family. I just cry.

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