Sharon leaned up on her elbow and peered at Brenda incredulously.
"Why on earth would I need to be saved from you? I have never felt as safe with anyone as I do when I'm with you. What dangers could you possibly pose?"
"Sharon, you are with Andy now. You love him, and he loves you. Rusty is comfortable with y'all moving in together. If you hadn't needed to shoot to kill, you wouldn't be here with me, right now. Can you agree with that?"
Sharon nodded slowly, a small frown on her face.
"So you have this beautiful life, and I am so happy for you. I am not being coy when I say that your happiness is important to me - I really mean it. It's why I responded to Andy to begin with - for him to reach out to me, given what I'm sure you've told him about us, that let me know that you were in a bad place, and I know a little something about that, after all. So tonight, I was prepared to be your friend, and I tried. I have never stopped loving you, Sharon, and I wish that I could be the best thing for you, but we've already been down this road, and I haven't really changed my stripes. So. I am reasonably sure that at this point in time, I will be able to watch you walk away from me, but if you touch me like you mean it, if you give me even a sliver of hope that you still want me, I will not be able to gracefully concede. I will fight for you, and I will fight dirty, and I'll end up with you hating me before you get a chance to love me again, but what you already have - your beautiful life with a good man, and a great son? Collateral damage. I know it just as sure as I am breathing, so the answer stands. I am saving you from me." Brenda explained, heedless of the tears leaking down into her curls.
Sharon sat as still as a statue, and as silent, but her eyes never left Brenda's. Her gaze was so focused that it was almost painful, but Brenda was willing to take all the time needed to show Sharon that this was the right thing for her, and for Rusty too. The moments stretched out, the hum of the traffic from the highway a low buzz. Finally, Sharon looked away, and Brenda's heart broke. She smiled sadly, and held her arms out, folding Sharon down against her, and she placed a soft kiss against auburn waves.
"I'm sorry." Sharon whispered, her voice rough with tears.
"Shhh, love. I'm not. Loving you has always been a gift I did not deserve, but I cherish it. You don't have a thing to apologize for - not to me, and certainly not for shooting that lunatic. You have to forgive yourself, though, or nothing anyone else says is going to matter. We all make choices, Sharon, and in the end, that's all we can take with us. I don't know much about Catholic Jesus, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you squandering your time on this earth with self flaggelation and second guessing yourself. He put you here to save lives, and that's what you did. You are looking for absolution, but you haven't done anything wrong. You have to forgive yourself. Now, hush, and let's sleep a little, and then I'll make you those waffles before I take you home, OK?"
"OK." Sharon nodded, not trusting herself to say anything more than that.
This time, Brenda fell asleep first, and Sharon lay in the dark, listening to the steady bump of Brenda's heart. She tried to imagine the alternate universe, where the players were flipped. It sort of fell apart from the top, because she didn't think Brenda would have needed to call Andy - for all of her infuriating faults, she was preternaturally good at knowing what Sharon needed. But she pressed on, and she tried to envision Andy taking her in like a friend after 5 years of near constant silence, and that wasn't too hard - his kindness had been the first thing that had attracted her to him. But would he have been able to find it in himself to make love to her, knowing that she'd be leaving the next day? She couldn't see that one playing out. And even if they made love, would he be able to let her go because he wanted what was best for her? She knew that she was here, having these thoughts in the first place, because he'd called Brenda. She was less impressed with that gesture than Brenda was - Andy didn't really have a complete understanding of the relationship between them, and she'd been too hurt to talk much about it, so she let him go on thinking that it hadn't been that serious before the end. If he'd known, would he have risked it? She wasn't so sure - he was cautious with his love, and with good reason, it seemed. Because how could she go back to him, knowing how Brenda felt, and most importantly, knowing how she still felt about Brenda. She considered Brenda's words about forgiveness. It wasn't entirely true that she hadn't done anything for which she'd need to be forgiven. She'd let her pride keep her from reaching out to Brenda after the first few rejections. She'd been lying to herself and to Andy when she told him he was the only one she needed. Tonight had proven that lie empirically. And that was the biggest thing, wasn't it? She hadn't spared a single thought for him once Brenda's hands touched her. At every turn, it had been Brenda thinking of Andy's feelings. And suddenly, the missing piece slammed into place for Sharon. Brenda might have been telling the truth about her feelings, but she hadn't told the whole truth. No, it was a way of keeping Sharon as faithful as possible, while still giving her what she needed. She remembered an argument over a television show years ago, and Brenda insisting that there were degrees of infidelity. That letting another person touch you intimately was cheating, of course, but that it wasn't as bad as touching another person intimately. You could come back from the first one, she posited, but not the second, because you'd have to fight against images of your hands on someone else, and eventually, the jealousy would win out. It was so obvious, that Sharon nearly groaned out loud. Brenda might think she hadn't changed her stripes, but Sharon was beginning to think that wasn't the case at all. Still, she knew that Brenda was serious about everything she'd said. She knew that she'd have to go home, and tell Andy the truth - about what Brenda had meant to her years ago, and also now. And she'd have to admit that she had never really stopped loving Brenda, but she had just given up. She was going to break his heart. She definitely had things to atone for, but as she breathed in the faint magnolia scent of Brenda's skin, she thought she just might be able to find her absolution after all.