WARNING: Not very mature content ahead but putting this here in case.
Enjoy lovelies!
My room was simple, a desk by my window so that when I sat down by it I would be overlooking the area outside the boys dorm – nothing particularly exciting happened around there, sometimes a greaser would egg this side, the odd game of football, the usual stale activities to make an example of their manliness and to pass the time. The desk was parallel to my bed which adorned my beloved sandpaper-esque sheets; either side was a bedside table with an alarm clock and a lamp on the right hand side one. There was little else in my room, apart from, of course, that thing.
A few years ago Crabblesnitch had commissioned posters to discourage bad behaviour at Bullworth Academy; it depicted him, apparently a foolish attempt at a threatening expression on his face and his index finger pressed against the side of his nose with the caption written above and below him.
'KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, OR WE'LL CLEAN IT FOR YOU.'
This had been put up in my room when they first came out as a 'warning.' I hated it at first and wanted to tear it down but my nurse who came in to give me my medications early in the morning was made to check that it was always up, otherwise I would have got a detention and about 3 more put up.
Even though I had convinced the head that I could be trusted to take my medication on my own and could take the poster down if I wanted, I didn't. I have a different perspective of the it. I don't see it as Crabblesnitch invading my personal space, watching my every move and a poor attempt at him being threatening; I see it as a goal. Crabblesnitch currently, I use the term loosely, rules the school – that is where I want to be. Not headmaster, just have everyone under my thumb and get there without any of them even realising.
The thought sent shivers down my spine and a renewed wave of excitement – I had been temporarily distracted by the problem that was Ivy Evans. I was intending on casting her aside, labelling her as a foolish whim on my part but now I was going to use her to her full potential.
Sat by my desk I stared out at some pathetic geek getting wedgied by a Prep, vaguely aware of what was going on but with no intention to help.
"She will get close," I whispered to myself, closing my eyes. Imagining Ivy with the Gorilla and his pet. "She will weasel information out of them." I felt an incredible feeling of satisfaction run through me, God I was brilliant. "By any means necessary…" I half opened my eyes at the thought of Ivy using her womanly charms to extract secrets from James and Petey.
How could I have never seen it before? Why had I never tried to do this? It was painfully obvious.
Jimmy Hopkin's greatest weakness was women.
He wanted to care for them, make them feel loved and worth something – so they wouldn't turn out like his mother and he like his father, presumably. He would never have imagined that one would betray him after he treated them with such respect and love, after all, in his small mind the only sluts are women who have been ill-treated by men, like his mother.
I leaned back in my chair, allowing the self-adoration to soak in. "Amazing." I whispered to myself.
"What's amazing?" An unexpected voice erupted from behind me. I stood up and whirled around, preparing to throw my chair at whoever had dared to enter my room. I froze mid-snarl as Ivy was stood, leaning against my door-frame and gazing at me with an insipid expression on her face. She sighed heavily and walked in, closing the door behind her.
"Ivy…"I was a little perplexed as to how she could be here, why she would be here. No girl ever in their worst nightmares considered entering the foul pit that was the boys dorm.
"Don't look at me like that; you had no problem just walking into my room last night so I thought I should return the favour seeing as you just left me out there."
I looked towards the clock on my wall and was surprised to see that lunch had ended fifteen minutes ago.
Ivy moved and my eyes snapped towards her, watching her like a hawk. She laid herself down on my bed - my bed – head resting on my pillow – my pillow – and legs casually crossed over one another. "So, what's amazing?" She didn't look at me, just stared at the ceiling.
I glared at her, body tense with rage and disgust.
How dare she- how fucking dare she!
"My plan for you, of course." A dashing smirk played its way onto my face as I strode over to her. Green eyes flicked up towards mine as I stood by the side of the bed, she didn't look remotely surprised that I had concocted a plan involving her.
"And?" Ivy fought a yawn but lost, as she covered her mouth with her hand I grabbed her wrist and slammed it down by her head. She gave a small gasp but before she had time to react I had her other one in my vice grip and pinned that to the other side of her head, she immediately tried to wriggle from my grasp but to no avail. I straddled her and glared down at her, unsmiling.
"I see I am going to have to make something clear, Ivy." I said, leaning down so that I was centimetre's away from her face. My dark brown eyes staring unblinking into her ever widening dull green, the fear in them imminent. I could feel her body tense beneath me and she tried to struggle free again, her legs moving awkwardly and her wrists trying to push themselves free.
Adrenalin pumped through me as I acted without thinking, chuckling darkly as my hands slid up to hers – entwining my fingers with her but pushing pressure onto them so she couldn't break free.
"Ga-Gary what are you-" She shouted but was cut off by my rough lips on her soft ones. I pushed hard against her, my grip tightening as I pressed my lips against her with even more force. Her lips were hot and smooth; they sent waves of electricity through me as I slid my tongue over them. I could feel and slightly hear her muffle something, not exactly a scream but the fear was still there. I took my lips of hers for a second, noticing how they already looked slightly bruised, and crashed them back down. I could feel myself running out of breath but the longer I kept kissing her the harder it was to find the will to take them away.
Taking a deep breath without fully taking my lips away I pressed myself against her, I didn't want this to end she felt, tasted, and sounded too good for it to stop.
Suddenly a jolt of fear shot itself through me from nowhere as my eyes shot open, looking in hers for a brief moment I regained my composure before dragging myself away – not taking my hands off hers. My lips immediately ached for hers again but I denied them what they desired, what I desired.
We sat there in silence apart from our ragged breathing, desperately trying to catch the breath that we had lost. I glared down at her, a sudden rage pulsed its way through me as I examined her lips again, red and swollen they quivered slightly. What had she made me do?! My eyes shot up to hers, full to the brim with anger and hate while hers were watery and avoiding my gaze.
"The only time I would allow you into my room," I said, my voice dripping with venom, speaking slowly and over enunciating each word. "Is if I were going to fuck you." What were these words coming from my mouth? Who was saying them? Why were they talking to Ivy like that? "Got it, moron?" I spat the last word with such hatred that she yelped. I suddenly became aware of her small form shaking and trembling beneath me, she nodded quickly and I let her go. She slipped out from under me and hurriedly ran for the door, opening it and slamming it behind her.
I couldn't tell you how long I sat there just, staring, at the door. Nothing was going through my mind, nothing. My breathing hitched itself up to irregular heights again as I remembered what I had just done.
"Shit." I fell face first onto my bed; I was my turn to start shaking a bit. "Shit." I turned over, facing the ceiling as she had been.
I had pinned her down.
I had forced – forced – her to kiss me.
Why did I do that?
Why was I so angry?
Why did I say what I said?
I recalled her bruised, plump lips and her trembling form, the fear in her teary eyes. My stomach twisted as I closed my eyes and groaned in regret.
But it doesn't matter, she's just a tool, a pawn. She's nothing, no one. I tried to reason with myself. When has anyone ever cared when they hurt you? Why should you care? I gritted my teeth and pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes. Why do you care?!
I wanted desperately to punch something, someone – myself preferably. I jumped up from my bed and started for the door, intending to find her and beg for forgiveness but something stopped me…
"She won't forgive me…" The truth of each word stabbed at me, "I… Was the one to…" My stomach twisted again and I could feel the need to vomit come upon me, sitting myself back down on my bed I tried to calm myself but the panicked creature inside me would not desist, would not stop screaming, would not stop battering my insides trying to break free of me.
My nails dug into my knees as my eyes grew wide, my limbs still shaking slightly. "I've hurt her."
But she would have hurt me if she had the chance.
She would have.
She would have.
Everyone does.
She is no different.
If she does not forgive me I have saved myself the pain.
But why does it hurt now? It shouldn't, she's gone, she can't hurt me, I've won.
I put my head down to rest on my legs and scraped my hands through my hair, l now dug my nails into my scalp as tears stung at my eyes. "It's fine, she would have hurt me anyway. I haven't l-lost anything…"
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It didn't frighten me, I wasn't shocked, I didn't pull away as the person wrapped their arms around me. I accepted it, I yearned for it. I slid off my bed and onto my knees and allowed myself to be cradled by this person as I sobbed into their chest, clinging to them like a child.
"Shh…" The person tried to sooth me, stroking my hair with one hand and her other rubbed circles on my back. "It's okay."
"I didn't mean it." My grip around the person slackened as I seemed to lose all my strength, leaning my head onto their small shoulder, depending that they would support me. "I… I didn't… Mean…" I struggled to find words amidst the sobs.
"I know you didn't, its okay, Gary." Looking down I saw a tear stained Ivy smiling up at me, which only made me cry harder. "I'm all right Gary, you're all right." I was so embarrassed, sitting there in a teary heap weeping like a child in the arms of someone I barely knew, but… Although I knew later on I would die of shame, at that moment I didn't care.
"You're…" I began but lost the words among the sniffs as I regained myself.
"Here." She finished for me, "Always." Her hand clasped my head as she gently pushed me down onto her shoulder, wrapping her other arm tightly around me.
"Wh-Why?"
"Because I'm a moron." She chuckled, squeezing me. I didn't want to smile, but I did, just a little one.
"You are…" I nodded into her neck. "Why did you come back?" I felt my stomach drop again as I remembered why she left, why she ran from my room in fear.
She took a moment to respond. "I promised I would help you, didn't I?" She spoke softly into my hair, my breathing completely relaxed and I let all my weight fall onto her. She struggled to support me and eventually fell back, letting me lie on her as I dozed.
I don't know why I suddenly became so tired, this great weight came over my body and I just had to lie down, my eyelids felt like dumbbells as I tried to keep them open. Ivy continued stroking my hair and rubbing my back in soothing circular motions.
When I woke up I knew I would hate myself for being such an emotional wreck, I knew I would hate Ivy for keeping her promise but… For now, I slept.
I slept sounder than I ever have.