Warning: this chapter has some pretty explicit stuff…so if you still think that the stork dropped you on the doorstep…you may not wanna read it…. thanks

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."

Thursday:

Wow was Wednesday crazy, I thought as I woke up in my big bed.

I hardly even remembered what all had happened since it was so event filled. I rolled over and saw Will lying next to me.

Why was he there?

What happened?

I remember after I had cried to him, I had invited him inside and we began to drink…

That I remember. Then we started watching a movie and then we played a card game…Will was more drunk than me, so I figured he'd have a pretty bad headache when he woke up. I stood up and the room spun a little. We didn't have sex right? I thought as I saw my own apparel, which wasn't much….

No, Will was gay and I loved Grace, sex wasn't even in the realm of possibility. I remember, we played strip poker and fell asleep; yeah that was it. I was positive.

My hair felt soft from being in the rain but I looked in the mirror of the bathroom and restrained myself from screaming bloody murder at the image facing me. I rubbed my face and hit the water to the shower.

I let my silky robe slip off of me gently onto the floor. Steam from the shower seeped out and I climbed in. The water felt good on my body. I turned around and let my hair sponge up the warm soft water.

I began to sing, as I always did in the shower. I always thought I had a nice singing voice, I wondered if anyone else thought so. I usually sang fun crazy and wild and jazzy ballads but today I was in the mood for something bluesier.

"Ain't no talking to this man," I sang. "Ain't no pretty other side," the door opened, "Ain't no way he'll understand," Will stood still, maybe he thought I didn't know he was there, "Stupid words of pride," he came closer…"It would take an acrobat," was he going to speak? "I already tried all that," "Karen?" He asked. I ignore him, "I'm gunna let him fly," "Kare?" he repeats. "Yeah Will?" I say finally.

He is silent.

"Morning," he said. I smiled. "You got any aspirin? Or something? My head is killing me," I smiled even wider. "Yeah honey top shelf of the cabinet."

He goes into the cabinet and takes it out. "What happened last night?" he asked as he downed one of them. "We had sex," I said. I heard him drop the pill bottle, "WHAT!?" he exclaimed. I laughed, "God Wilma, just kidding," I teased. I grabbed my towel and turned off the water and got out.

"Wow, you were really that drunk?" I inquire. He shrugs his shoulders and continues picking up the spilled medication. "You have work today," I tell him. He stands up, "Oh my god, what time is it?" He leaves the room hurriedly. I follow him, "It's seven thirty, don't worry you still have time to grab some breakfast," I tell him.

I drop my towel and I know he is looking at me, but I don't care. I had never been one to be shy about showing my body. Hey, if you got it, might as well flaunt it. Plus, Will was gay so it didn't really count.

I put some clothes on and he just watches me. I can tell he is feeling uncomfortable and I like that. I made him uncomfortable and I think it is kind of funny.

I turn around and say, "Come on," he swallows hard and follows me down the stairs to the kitchen. "What do ya want?" I ask. He looks confused, "What?" I ask. "Doesn't your chef usually make breakfast and stuff?"

Did I really seem that superficial? Did I seem so fake that I can't even cook my own breakfast? Wow.

"Well I can make breakfast honey, it's not like I'm retarded," I said half-kidding. He laughed but then realization was strewn across his face and his expression dwindled. "What?" I question cautiously. "Karen, why did you make that list?" I turn away and go into cabinets, trying to avoid the subject altogether.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

No one was suppose to find out…especially not Will.

"I told you honey, just to make goals for myself," I said not very convincingly. Sure, I could have convinced him in a heartbeat, I knew I could. I was a fantastic liar, and an even better actress… if I didn't want Will to know I was lying, he wouldn't have… but I made him know I was lying and I'm not sure why.

Maybe it was because I thought he could save me?

"I don't buy that Karen," he said.

He walked over to me while I was running the water and he put his arm around my waist, I put my hand on top of his. "Karen is there something you want to tell me?" he asked.

That was my chance, that was my chance to tell him my problem, and how I was going to die tomorrow… oh my god… tomorrow. But I didn't tell him.

I lied.

Convincingly.

"Will, really, don't worry, it was nothing like what you're thinking, I promise…" I turned around and he gave me a hug.

I opened the door to the office to find Grace crying. "Gracie what's wrong?" I said as I rushed to her side. She was startled by my presence but quickly marked it off and sobbed, "I lost my biggest client."

She always became distraught over such matters…I constantly had to remind her that she was utterly fantastic and if people couldn't see that, that it was their loss. She always became so worried, and I felt so helpless when there was nothing that I could say to console her.

"It's okay Grace, don't worry it will be all right," I said as I knelt down and held her. I ran my fingers through her crimson hair and she settled. "Oh Karen," she said as she wiped tears off of her face. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she said as she stood up.

"You don't ever have to worry about that honey," I said. She gave a half-smile and went back into the bathroom.

It wasn't until I sat down that I had realized what a lie I had just told.

Was I REALLY willing to leave Gracie all alone? Was I having second thoughts about this whole charade? No, no I couldn't be, I was sure… wasn't I?

I had this planned, there was no turning back now…. wasn't there?

Grace came in wiping her eyes with a Kleenex. I looked at her empathetically and she came over by me. "Well, I have nothing to do all day then," she said while sitting on my empty desk carefully.

"I have a fun idea," I said. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her out of the office. She locked the door and said, "No more tattoos!"

I pulled her down the street and we ended up at Will's office.

She questioned my motive again as we came to Will's door. I shushed her and her eyes lit up with amusement. I opened the door and snapped a picture of Will at his desk. He looked up vivaciously when he saw it was us. "Hey girls."

It was kind of hot in his office. It felt dense and compressed.

Some say that if you take a picture of someone… you steal their soul and keep it locked up forever within that picture. Those who think practically believe that to be insane. How could you're soul be trapped in a picture? Well, how can a soul be trapped in your body? Are there even souls?

I believe that souls are real, and they can go wherever they please… if a soul wants to be trapped inside of a photograph it can be… but it won't be trapped… it will just dwell there because wherever it is in the picture… it wants to stay there forever and ever.

Jack walks in several minutes later and I take a picture of all of us cramped together.

That is where my soul will stay…

I want to stay forever with my friends… with Will, with Jackie and with my Gracie. Tomorrow I will be dead, but as long as this picture exists that is where I will be; reliving that moment over and over when I am close to the ones I love… the only ones I have.

After all, in the end, it doesn't matter how you died, it only matters how you lived. Suicide is the last resort… it is the thing you do when you have nothing else, and that is why I MUST do it, for there is no other way.

I had been depressed for so long, but now I am happy for I have found the solution to all of my problems and no one can stop me now.

I had slowly begun to become aware of how my grip on reality had been increasingly slipping. It was like a freight train that had flown off the track and all that is left is a fire. I could almost feel its embers… burning away at me as if they were my last shreds of hope left in this world. It was like when it stopped burning, it would be over…

It wasn't a painful type of burning… it was almost intoxicating…

I looked down at my wrist…the bubble had turned into a reddish scar type thing…it didn't hurt anymore… it was over.

I patted the back of my head… my hair was soft. I fixed Grace's collar that had flipped up in the back and I motioned to Jack to wipe the butter off of his lip and smiled to assure him he got it. I loved these people… they were like my family only better because they never left me…and I knew they never would.

I was leaving them though and it was wrenching. I hoped it didn't hurt them too badly, and I hope that they realized that I HAD to do this, I HAD to because if I didn't, I'd be empty for the rest of my life.

There is a missing spot in my heart and I cannot fill it. No matter how hard I try I cannot fill the emptiness…money did nothing, the pills and alcohol filled it temporarily but they wore off like the rest…the only thing keeping my alive at this moment is Grace and her love because it filled the emptiness just enough to keep me from running out of whatever that was in me that kept me going.

I once told Jack that you can go a long way on empty, and I have gone a long way, but I am finally out of gas and my car is slowly coming to a stop…. a stop. I wish I knew how the world could be so cold. I wish I knew why I had to go on living a life that I hate…it can't be fair. I don't belong here, I'm not supposed to be in this world, in this life…

My body is so trapped here and I need to free it, no matter what I have to be uninhibited.

I shake the Polaroid picture of us and it shows up. We all look so happy. I will keep this picture forever… I deftly place it in my purse in a side compartment where it was sure to be safe. I cross that off of my list and Will tilts his head and smiles at me when he realizes what I am doing.

I am thankful he doesn't say anything to my friends. I don't think he realizes what I am capable of…how serious I am about this.

Not that he could save me if he tried…but…

I see Will slip Jack a fifty and whisper something in his ear. A few moments later he offers to buy me lunch…I know it wasn't my doing, nor was it his, but I accept the offer and discretely cross it off of my list.

Jack and I walk into a familiar restaurant and take our seats. I hated eating in front of people. I was always unsure of what to order, and how to eat it when it arrived on my plate. I thought it was safe to order soup so I did so. Everyone got soup right? That wouldn't be weird to order?

Jack ordered something extremely extravagant as usual… he must have forgotten that he would be paying. Maybe he thought that I would whip out the credit card at the last minute and save him… I wasn't going to.

What a cheapo Jack was, I almost laughed to myself. He was a funny fellow. He was much taller than me and had the prettiest eyes I'd ever seen on a big mo. His eyes were deep and playful…whereas Will's eyes were sharp yet addicting. I won't even begin to describe Grace's eyes because I will never stop. I could talk about Grace's eyes forever, but you see, I don't have time for that because of my aforementioned problem.

Everything was so much more valid and important now that it was my last time seeing it. A clock ticking on the wall was bliss. I watched it's arms tick away, so steady, so reliable. The arm stuck for a moment but once again began to tick away.

Was the clock like me? Did I stick but keep going? No, I was a broken clock. My arms had been broken off and whenever someone looked at me, I could no longer show them the time.

Even a clock; a shoddy clock on a cracked wall, was important to me now. I wished that it had always been this way. I wished I had always been so very sharp and entranced with such a miniscule detail.

I look over and saw a little girl with her mother. Her mother was on her cell phone ignoring the little girl as she tried to show her a picture she had drawn. I wanted to tell the mother to pay attention; life was too short to ignore the things that are really important. Life is too short to ignore anything… even if it's just a clock…ticking on the wall.

"Jack," I said serenely, "Will you miss me when I'm dead?" Jack sipped his soda and smiled remorsefully, "of course I would Kare, but you're going to live forever…we're both going to live forever," he said while holding my hands.

"That's a nice thought Jackie," I say as I look off to the clock. That was a nice thought.

"I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul…will I end up where I think? Only God really knows…" Cat Stevens

I got up to the manse door to find a scrappy red-headed girl sitting on my step. "Grace?" I ask intently. She had appeared to of dozed off and she leapt up at the sound of my voice. "Oh, hey Kare, I just stopped by to…to see what's goin on," she said casually.

Me and Jack had been out for hours… well passed lunch. I took the kid shopping, bought him some new shoes and a few new outfits. It was already dark outside and I had completely forgotten that it was Thursday… well not so much as today was Thursday but that tomorrow was Friday.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. She smiled but wiped it off and said, "I'm worried about you Karen," she said bluntly. At first I thought Will had told her about everything, about my list about my sadness and crying, about everything, but I continued to look at Grace and her look told me she was clueless, clueless means helpless.

"Why honey? I'm alright, everything is okay," I lied. I hated lying to Gracie, she was too beautiful a thing to lie to. I hoped God would forgive me.

"Karen don't lie to me. I know it is hard for you to talk about, well emotions and stuff but listen to me I love you and I care abut you… and if something is bothering you I want you to know that I'm here for you to talk about whatever it is, big or small."

God they certainly weren't making this easy for me. Leaving them would be so much harder than I had originally intended it to be. I figured I would do it quick…effortlessly, and most of all… alone. But I no longer felt alone… I felt that whatever I did, they were there watching me. If they weren't there physically I felt as though they were still watching over me. Always watching.

No matter what they say though, they cannot change my fate. Fate is fate and death is final and that is what has to happen.

I take Grace upstairs and offer her a drink.

She accepts it and drinks it slowly. My, are her lips irresistible.

About two hours, and seven glasses of wine later, Grace was flopped on my bed talking glibly. "Karen, you'rea butiful la'ey," she slurred. I smiled at her cunningly and flopped onto the bed next to her and clasped her hand.

"Shh," she told me, "listen." "Listen to what?" I asked. Her eyes were closed. I looked at her closely. 'What?" I repeated, "the wind," she said. She held up one finger to her lips. This was like the little things I was talking about…Gracie saw them…she was special.

When no one else saw the little things as important, Grace did. Maybe that's why she was sp loveable. Maybe it was just the alcohol talking. Either way… I wanted to cross off number one.

"Grace you're beautiful," I tell her. I tell her, "I love you."

She looks over at me skeptically and I kiss her lips gently. She pulls back a little but I move with her and pretty soon I am on top of her.

She moans as I exhale lightly in her ear. I bring my hand to the trim of her skirt and raise it again, only underneath it. I pull her underwear off from underneath her skirt without protest and I toss them on the ground next to the bed. I sit up on top of her and pull her skirt down.

Her waist is now bare and I am completely drunk with the reality of what lies underneath me, (and maybe with alcohol as well.) I bite my lip as my eyes intake her perfect thighs…her legs… and everything else that is now exposed to me.

I shudder briefly with the passion that was flowing through my bloodstream. I pull her tank top over her arms.

She finally opens her droopy eyes and quickly wets her bubblegum lips. She puts her hands on my shoulders and I tilt my head uncomfortably to kiss one. "Karen, promise me you'll always love me," she said discretely; lovingly.

I nod to her and she removes my shirt. I pull away when she tries to unhook my bra because I am so ashamed of my body. I am so completely ashamed of it. Its perfection is so painful. I have spent so much time maintaining it's flawless appearance that I now realize it was most certainly not time well spent because I am going to destroy the only thing that I have ever thought about… myself.

The only thing that had mattered to me all of those miserable years is now worthless. If only I were more like Grace…who became entranced by the mere sound of the wind.

Our stark bodies entangled with one another and our mouths met as much as they were able. My mouth trailed down her abdomen and then passed hr belly button. The girl's fingers at first ran through my hair gently, but as my tongue rotated, she gripped it tightly and whimpered.

I will not go any farther into details about how I made love to Grace because frankly… it is none of your god damned business; I will only say this…I crossed it off my list with a smile on my face.

I came back and laid next to a sleeping Grace. I put my arm around her naked body and listened to her breathing. I shut my eyes and listened to the wind flow through my room. The wind was beautiful… it was everything that it was and more.

Tomorrow was Friday. As I shut my eyes and listened to the wind and Grace breathing I assured myself that I wasn't scared. I lived my life. I am happy and content and it is just my time…tomorrow is Friday….

If I close my eyes tight enough, I think I can see my funeral procession. It is beautiful out. The wind is blowing through Grace's hair. She has a single flower behind her ear that she throws into my grave. Will has his arm around Jackie, trying to be strong…he has to be the strong one now that I'm not there…

They're all around me, around my casket, around my grave…where I will sleep forever.

I sleep soundly, knowing that the next night I fall asleep… I won't have to wake up.