Memories: Pain
Brielle Corletti
It had been four days since my beating.
I still couldn't stand up. I had to stay on my stomach.
Sometimes I couldn't breathe.
I wasn't in my previous room. The one I shared with Sollel and her children.
Instead I was in one of the dungeon rooms. At the very bottom of the house.
It was dark all the time. The room was all stone and there were no windows.
I wanted to go outside and see the sun. Feel it on my face.
It was cold, but that was nothing new.
I only ate once a day. All I got was dry bread and a cup of water.
That was nothing new, either.
Worst of all was the silence. It was as cold as the room.
I wanted to hear the wind, the talking among the servants.
To hear Solell's soft voice would seem like music in my ears.
All day I would just lie in a corner and think about my mother.
I tried to remember her smile. The smell of her hair.
Her wedding ring. I loved playing with it when I was a child.
After two days of utter darkness, I felt I was going blind.
Then, just when I thought I was about to go insane, the door opened and I saw a light.
It was a small light, but it was beautiful.
I got off of my stomach; I didn't care about the pain that seared all through my back.
I needed to go to that light.
Maybe I had died in that room and not even realize it.
Oh, maybe the light would lead to my mother.
Maybe, just maybe, it was Mother.
I managed to stand and walk.
It was more like stumbling, but I didn't care.
The light was coming closer. Closer.
I was getting closer.
The light was in the room…
I stopped dead in my tracks.
The light was a candle.
The holder was Jadellias.
I couldn't see much, but what I saw was enough.
The light flickered across her dead white face.
Her red lips weren't frowning nor were they smiling.
I just stood there and stared at her.
"How are you feeling?" she finally asked; attempting to sound motherly.
Motherly enough to take a knife and stab me through the heart if I gave her the wrong answer.
"I'm still alive, aren't I?"
I was waiting for the silver flash of the knife.
Instead, she just nodded her head.
"I wasn't expecting you to survive that beating," she said.
What was she expecting? She who thrived on the pain and weakness of others.
I said nothing.
"Brielle."
I looked up in surprise. She had never said my name before.
"Brielle, I wanted you to survive."
"Why?" I said after a few seconds. "So you could find other ways to beat me and cause me more pain?"
"The pain will lessen in time. Pain is a necessity to life, little one," she said.
Little One? The motherly thing was not working.
"You must learn to harness and control your pain. And when you have had complete control over it, you will never feel it again."
"What are you getting at?" I asked.
"When I found out you had survived, I couldn't believe it. You have shown me your strength.
And now after this, no matter what happens to you, no matter badly you're hurt. You can remember how you survived. How you almost died and instead you lived.
You can go far in this world. You have shown me that you can become so many things. Let me teach you."
"Teach me?" I almost yelled.
"Teach me how to become like you? Was my beating a test? And did I pass it?"
"You could put it like that. You didn't have to steal though."
"I didn't steal. And you know it."
Silence.
"Brielle, I want to teach you to become powerful. I want to teach how to survive in this world. In a man's world."
"A man's world?"
"Yes, the world is man's and if women want any part of it, they must learn that it must come with a cost."
"Well, maybe I don't want the world."
"Oh, you will in time. Now you're a child, but when you grow into womanhood all you will want is the world and men will be willing to give it to you."
"Then what do you mean, it will come with a cost?"
She smiled.
"The cost is yourself. Your heart, your mind, your body."
I was still confused.
She took my face in her hand. It was cold and hard.
"Like I said, you're still a little girl. It will be several years before you become a woman. Now is the time Brielle to teach while you're still young.
By the time you reach womanhood you will be ready. Ready to survive, ready to be powerful, ready to have all your heart desires."
"My only desire is to see my mother again."
She ran her fingers through my hair.
"I can make that happen," she whispered.
My heart stopped, I took a step back, and I thought I was going to fall.
"You…you can? I can see her again?"
"Yes, of course you can. Only I can do that. I will be a long time before you see her, but in the end it will be worth it."
I had a thousand emotions course through my body.
I knew I couldn't trust her, and yet she was offering me my hearts desire.
She held out her hand to me.
"Will you let me teach you?"
What was better? Living day to day with my mother just being a memory? Or taking a risk?
Jadellias still had her hand out.
"Yes," I said finally, "I'll do anything to see my mother again."
I put my hand in hers.
She took it and held it tightly.
I didn't realize that my heart had to be dead before it could have its desire.