A/N: Sorry about not updating. But here we go with the new chapter. And Thank you all for the lovely comments. They really encourage me to go on with this. :-)
I hope I got their (Shepard and Kaidan) personalities right. So enjoy^^
Between stars
07. shadow of a hero
Looking out of his window, John suddenly realized that he was thinking of Kaidan again. He was thinking of Kaidan a lot lately and the worst part of it was that he didn't exactly know, why.
He still had no memory of the colonel at all. He didn't remember Kaidan's voice, not Kaidan's face and he didn't even have the constant feeling of déjà vu that he always had around Liara. He still wasn't sure if he really knew Kaidan or if the man was only placed at his side because he was the only human spectre.
Liara seemed to know him, though. John missed her too. It had been two months since her last visit and three since he'd been released from the hospital. Time seemed to move a lot faster here on the Citadel and days merged into weeks and weeks into months.
Frustrated and mad from his solitude, John moved away from his window with a snort, cursing Kaidan's absence. John hadn't seen or heard from the colonel for nearly four weeks. Kaidan wasn't at home and wasn't available on vid-comm. He hadn't left a note and didn't answer any of John's e-mails. It was as if he really was a ghost.
Searching his bar for anything to drink, John sat down on the stool and thought about what he wanted to do with his evening. Maybe later, when he's warmed up, he might go to the Purgatory and look for some company for the night. Or he might check Kaidan's apartment for any life-signs. Or just stay home and try to sleep without nightmares.
Footsteps outside in the hallway interrupted his planning. Instantly, John felt his heart beating faster, because he knew who it was outside his door. Without much thinking, John downed his drink and grabbed his jacket. He was almost upon knocking before another idea crossed his mind.
When he was back at Kaidan's door 30 minutes later, he wondered what had made him buy the man dinner. He was supposed to be mad at Kaidan for not saying anything, but instead he ran down to their favourite café and brought two bottles of strong red-wine and steak-sandwiches for two biotics.
Hell, what was wrong with him? He didn't even know if it really was Kaidan he'd heard.
With the excuse of bringing him food, John didn't knock but simply walked in. Kaidan had granted him full access during his first night here, where the colonel had been too drunk to get home on his own. Since then, they had become very good friends. John never shared such a friendship with anybody before, at least not as he remembered, but he liked Kaidan in a way he couldn't describe.
Once inside the room, John's heart stopped beating. In front of him stood a very surprised looking Kaidan with only a towel around his hips. His skin was still wet and shimmered in the light of the setting sun while his chest moved heavily from the man's gasps.
"Shepard, hey!" Kaidan blinked, utterly bewildered.
"You're hurt!" was the first thing John could say.
Upon Kaidan's muscular body, John saw countless bruises. The anger he'd felt about Kaidan's absence vaporized in the air and its placed was filled by worry almost instantly. While he sat at home, eating good food, fucking beautiful girls and cursing about the soldier, Kaidan was probably out there getting shot at, hunting down bad guys and making his world safer.
Before John realized it, he was standing right before Kaidan and his fingers traced the big purple bruises on his chest. It was hard to tell where one mark began and where the other ended. He'd never seen Kaidan shirtless before and the amount of scars made his gut twist.
"Shepard, are you okay?" Kaidan asked with concern. "You look pale."
"What happened?" John finally asked when he found his voice again. "You're injured!"
"This?" Kaidan chuckled and shrugged. "They're just bruises. No big deal. They'll be gone by tomorrow."
"What were you thinking?" John snapped, now feeling angry again. "You can't just disappear like this!"
"I'm sorry, Shepard." Kaidan said, sincere, and then continued to dry his hair with another towel.
"What? That's all you have to say? After four weeks you just show up like this and all you have to say is 'I'm sorry?'"
"Sorry, Shepard, things were...complicated." Kaidan explained hesitantly, still avoiding Shepard's stare. "I can't tell you any details..."
"Yeah, I get it! It's classified!" John sneered. "At least, you could have answered my mails!"
"As I said, things were complicated." Kaidan said again and took a step back which gave John a great view of his whole body. "Let me get dressed, okay? Unless you prefer me this way."
John raised an eye-brow. "Are you flirting with me, Colonel?"
Kaidan looked suddenly very embarrassed and blushed a deep red. "No, I...I wasn't... Just... let me get some pants first."
John watched Kaidan turn around and found himself staring at more bruises in the form of Kaidan's armour. It looked like as if the colonel had been slammed against something hard very recently, and again John wondered what he did out there. Then, his eyes fell upon Kaidan's backside, which was even more impressive without the Alliance Standards.
Catching himself staring at another man's ass, John shivered. He must be really desperate for a lay if he'd even consider Kaidan's ass. He shook his head quickly and made his way to the food he'd left on the table. Maybe he'd better go now before he jumped Kaidan and ruined the only friendship he had on the Citadel. But leaving Kaidan now was a lot easier said than done.
When Kaidan came back from his bedroom, John had set up the food with the wine. Kaidan beamed at the steak-sandwich and took the seat next to John on the couch.
"You know, this might be my best welcome back." he said, chewing happily on his steak-sandwich.
"What, no girlfriend welcoming you with food and sex?" John joked. But instantly, he knew he brought up the wrong subject. There was a tiny flash in Kaidan's eyes and the smile he gave John afterwards wasn't a real one.
"I'm sorry." John said quickly.
"It's okay. You didn't know."
"So, what was so important that you couldn't even answer my mails? I sent you about 10!"
"12," Kaidan corrected. "Shepard, I told you, it's classified."
"Don't give me that garbage!"
"Look, if you don't want me to tell you that things are classified, you better cooperate with the doctors instead of defying them." He said, sounding serious. "The sooner you recover, the sooner you'll be the one telling other people that things are classified."
"What? Are you spying on me?"
"Hardly," Kaidan chuckled. "But I get reports on you. And as the only human spectre, I'm kind of the supervisor of this operation."
"How lucky I am that my supervisor wasn't around for the last four weeks." John grunted, still not happy with the situation. He hated it when somebody kept a secret from him. Though he understood the seriousness of a classified mission, he still wished Kaidan could be honest with him.
"There you go again." Kaidan sighed. "Shepard, please try to understand. This is my job."
"I thought your job is to ensure my safety," he said casually and sipped his tasty and strong wine.
"It is!" Kaidan confirmed.
"HA! I knew it!" John triumphed, punching his fist in the air. "So your mission had something to do with me!"
"I didn't say that." Kaidan seemed to finally realize, that John had him cornered. "Oh, you're messing with me! What's wrong with you today?"
"That you got hurt because of me," John said and took a deep breath. "And I kind of missed you."
"I missed you, too!" Kaidan replied with a sparkle in his eyes. Then his eyes widened for a moment in realization what he'd just said and turned away with a deep blush. "No, I mean, I was thinking of y... no, it's just... god! How do I put this right! I..."
John burst into laughter at Kaidan's attempt to search for the correct words. Somehow this human spectre, who was confidant on the battlefield and capable at his work, always failed when it came to expressing his feeling to another male. John shook his head at the homophobic mannerisms of his good friend and wondered how in Hell's name this man survived with such old fashioned convictions.
"I get it. You hadn't forgotten me, either."
"Yeah, that's what I wanted to say." Kaidan choked down his bite and avoided John's gaze by taking another gulp of his wine. "So, enough of me. How are you holding up? How are the nightmares?"
"It's creepy how you just show up after a month and still know everything about me." John tossed him a concerned look and wondered if there were any surveillance systems in his apartment.
"I get reports, remember?"
"So you got the reports on me but couldn't answer my mails."
"Oh, stop pouting, Shepard." Kaidan snapped teasingly. "I got the reports this morning when I arrived. Walked through them on my way back."
"This morning? And you didn't call me?"
Kaidan rolled his eyes. "Debriefings and reports to the Council." Kaidan sighed again and then lifted his caramel eyes to look at John directly. "I'm worried about you."
John smiled at these words. It was good to know that Kaidan still cared about him and hadn't just dumped him for some adventure. It was so contradictions too, how Kaidan could blush scarlet when he tried to tell John that he missed him and then turn into someone who can express deep care simply by looking at one.
"It's good to hear." John nodded, swallowing the last bite of his sandwich. "Well, these new medications, they're causing these nightmares, I think."
"You didn't tell that to the doctors." Again, Kaidan sounded worried. Sometimes it was hard for John to tell if Kaidan worried about him because he was Kaidan's assignment, or because Kaidan, too, considered him a friend. John mentally shook his head. That was a stupid thought. Kaidan was the one who had insisted on their rebound and John had found himself in a state unable to resist.
"It's just a guess," He said, filling Kaidan's and his glass with wine again. "If I tell the doctors, they'll just run more tests. Before you ask, I didn't stop taking them. I want to give them another try."
"These nightmares, are they bad?"
John sighed. "I don't know. They aren't all pleasant if that's what you're asking." Now there he was. Sitting on the couch of his best friend, drinking wine and talking about his nightmares. And that all on a deep space station far away from Earth. If someone had told him half a year ago that this was going to happen, John might have laughed. But now, he didn't even remember how his life on Earth had been.
"You mentioned Garrus," Kaidan said, now also finishing his meal. "Tell me about it."
John didn't even ask how Kaidan knew it.
"You're not my therapist," John said, unsure if he was comfortable with the idea of Kaidan knowing everything about him.
"But I'm your friend," Kaidan said, smiling at him. "Don't worry; what you're telling me here is confidential. It won't appear in any reports."
"What do you know already?" John asked instead.
"Not much. Only that you dreamed of him."
"You knew him, right? You mentioned him once."
"Yeah, I knew Garrus." Kaidan smiled. "So what was it?"
"Not much, just some blurred visions. And when I woke up, I just knew it." John closed his eyes and recalled the images he saw during the nights. "But I remember him being my friend. Something about Archangel and collectors. It all includes a lot of drinking and shooting. "
"Sounds like Garrus." Kaidan laughed. "What? No calibrations?"
"Yeah, that too." John chuckled.
"Okay, something else?"
"Well, I don't know if they're memories," John admitted. "If they are, I'll be damned. They're all so surreal, like me taking on a reaper all by myself. Or something about a huge space-station I blew up. And there is this girl, a quarian. I don't know her name, but I'm pretty sure I was close to her. All crazy, right?"
Kaidan swallowed and that was the sign John needed. Every time when Kaidan did that, John knew it was because Kaidan was trying to suppress any reaction to his tale, which indicated that it was a memory.
"You knew her, didn't you?"
"Yeah," Kaidan nodded, bidding on his lower lip. "What else?"
"Look, if this makes you uncomfortable, I can..."
"I'm good, just go on."
"Well, I dream a lot about Liara. And I miss her. She's been with me for a long time, I believe. And I remember quite a lot about her. I remember her being the Shadow Broker and Prothean Expert. I remember kissing her, holding her while she cried, though I still don't know why. And there is another woman. Dark hair, beautiful face, white bodysuit. And..."
"Ah..." Kaidan nodded. "Do you remember her name?"
"No, but I did some research."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought if I'm famous, the extranet must be full of stories about me."
"You're kidding!" Kaidan gasped. "You searched for yourself on the extranet?"
"A little," John admitted. "It was after those dreams about Miranda. I was frustrated and what I found out confirmed my suspicious. I don't believe much what's on the extranet, but I'm pretty sure that she used to be my girlfriend. There're a lot of images of me and her here on the Citadel."
"Yeah, maybe." Kaidan suddenly looked hurt. He turned his face away and gazed at something beyond the window.
"Hey, you're okay?"
"Yeah, just remembering something." Kaidan swallowed. "What's on your mind?"
"You know, I wonder what kind of guy I was." John leaned back and drank his third glass of wine. "I thought I would see war in my dreams, see battle, see death. But all I dream about are the people involved. The squad-mates, the pilot, the women. I sometimes wonder why I fought the war. All people keep telling me what a selfless, paragon hero I was. How I sacrificed and fought, but from all I remember, it seems as if I only cared about the people around me."
John sighed. He didn't want to say he survived because of an unfulfilled promise to a lover. The world seemed to need its hero and it seemed to have found it in him. John always hated to disappoint, so he played along. But it seemed wrong to him. He wasn't the man they said he was. At least not anymore.
The doctors, the specialists, even the dignitaries treated him like a god, but inside, all John wanted was the major he kissed goodbye in the rubble. He didn't want to be the hero. He had to admit, all he wanted was a quiet life with the woman he loved. And hell, he didn't even know how she looked like or what her name was. He didn't even know, if she was alive or not. He didn't know if she made out of the battle or after three years, if she still loved him.
A sigh from Kaidan brought him out of his sentimentality.
"Without the affection of the people around us," the colonel whispered with a very sad and husky voice. "All we have in life is death. And that's not enough."
"Yeah," John breathed. "Where did you get that? It's written on a ration bar?"
Kaidan chuckled. "A good friend told me that." He emptied his glass and poured another one.
In his face, John saw an expression which indicated pain. Suddenly, he realized he had never asked Kaidan why he was alone. Why he never had a visitor or a girlfriend, surely not a boyfriend considering Kaidan's homophobic behaviour.
"Tell me about this friend," he said, trying hard to hide his curiosity.
For a while, Kaidan remained silent. Then he took a deep breath and when he looked back, John could see the glimpse of tears in his eyes.
"He was the best friend a man could wish for." Kaidan said with very low voice and looked down at the half-full glass in his hand. "He'd always been there for me, helped me, kept me safe. We shared our deepest secrets and the deepest pain. We made through so much together..."
"Was?"
"The war separated us..." Kaidan looked away and John was sure he was hiding his tears. "But I'll keep him in my memory as he was. Strong and confidant. Admirable and respectable. I enjoyed every minute I spent with him... and... oh, he was the man of my dreams! My brother in arms..."
John didn't miss the rather awkward description of Kaidan's friend. He could think of thousands of jokes right now, but he kept his mouth shut and his face straight.
"The man of your dreams?" he asked carefully.
"Hell, yes!" Kaidan gasped. "He was so damn perfect! So... he was all how I wanted to be. He was my hero, my..."
"I'm sorry," John whispered. He didn't know why, but hearing Kaidan talk about somebody else like this stung and he wished that he was the one Kaidan admired. "What happened?"
"The Reapers," Kaidan said with a deep growl. For a tiny moment, John saw something truly ugly flickering in Kaidan's eyes and pitied all the creatures who had earned this man's wrath. "We were both on there when it all started. And we were there in the last battle... We fought at each other's sides. Watched each other's backs. And... I loved him!" Kaidan whispered with voice forced even. "And he gave his life to save mine..."
"I'm so sorry," John said again. But if it was the last battle of the Reaper War then it must have been at least three years ago. John could only imagine how much Kaidan had loved his friend to mourn him even after so much time. But what kind of love was it? It couldn't have been a romance, could it?
"I wish I died with him!" Kaidan growled, finally letting go of his feelings. When he spoke again, his voice was trembling and tears were rolling down his handsome face. With lips slightly parted and swollen, Kaidan looked so vulnerable it made John's heart twist.
"I should have died with him!" Kaidan said again, closing his eyes in pain. "He taught me so much! How to escape death! Without him, I would have died on Virmire! On Ilos! On Horizon! On Mars! He saved me, again and again. But when it mattered, I abandoned him! I..."
"No, Kaidan!" John said sharply. "You can't think like this!"
"Why not?" The spectre snapped back, looking at John with eyes red from tears. "He could have sent me! I was there! With him! But instead, he just told me to go! I should have died in London..."
"But you didn't!" John moved closer and cradled Kaidan's face in his hands. "He sacrificed himself so you can live. He loved you, too! You can't change the past, but you can honour his sacrifice by having a life, now!"
"Shepard..." Kaidan whispered, sobbing.
When Kaidan leaned in close, John didn't move back. For nearly an hour, he just sat there padding Kaidan's back, while his friend cried his heart out on his shoulder. Occasionally, Kaidan would call his name but mostly, he just cried.
While he held Kaidan in his arms, John though about what Kaidan said. Without the affection, all they had was death. Is that, what Kaidan was going through? The loss of a beloved person? Or was it survivor's guilt? Either way, John was hurting for Kaidan. He wished, he would be that friend of Kaidan's right now, so he could comfort him.
But instead, he was thinking of the major again.
He hoped that she too hadn't forgotten him. Though he wished that she had moved on, deep inside his heart, he hoped that she mourned for him like Kaidan did right now.
"Commander..." Kaidan whispered, head resting on his shoulder. "Thank you, for everything."
Suddenly, the air got hotter in here and John realized how beautiful Kaidan's eyes were. He enjoyed the feeling of Kaidan's pounding heart against his chest and the familiar sensation of someone in his arms. Maybe he had held Kaidan before when the soldier needed him, but this was not the past.
With heart racing and blood rushing in his ears, John's vision blurred. His perception narrowed down to Kaidan's face in front of him and the warmth of Kaidan's lips on his was the only thing he could feel right now.
For a moment, he lost his ability to move, to breathe. The only thing in his mind was that he shouldn't be doing this. The major was out there. She was waiting for him. She was probably mourning him and his heart should only beat for her.
But when Kaidan's tongue touched his lips, forcing them to part, John's mind suspended itself. He gently opened his mouth and allowed Kaidan to enter. Hesitantly and carefully, John moved closer and returned the comforting pressure. His hands began to explore Kaidan's well-trained body and with a sigh, John stopped to curse his luck.
When he closed his eyes, he was back in the broken city again. Only this time, there was no major he could kiss goodbye. Instead of the woman of his dreams, Kaidan stood there, gazing at him with longing in his eyes.
He stretched out his gauntlet-hand and the grip on John's arm was firm. He pressed his armoured body against John's while his strong arms closed around John's chest, promising the haven he needed.
For hours it seemed to John they kissed each other, never slowing down, never giving up. While John scratched his teeth across Kaidan's neck, the other man managed a moan which sounded like a song of an angle. And when Kaidan's lips caressed the skin on his neck, John's heart cried because he realized, this was only a dream.
When he opened his eyes, he was lying alone in his bed. With the taste of the kiss still on his lips, John remembered leaving Kaidan's apartment after the colonel said thank you. For a moment, he only stared at the empty ceiling in the room which supposed to be his home. Outside the window, a new day had begun; but inside, he wished the night wasn't over yet.
During the day, there was no major to love him, no Kaidan to comfort him, no friend to offer him a shoulder. During day, his only companion was the solitude inside his heart. During day, he was nothing but the shadow of a hero.
So that it is^^ I hope it wasn't too confusing.
And yeah, I really like to see how they dance around each other. As for Shepard, it's all about the blurred line between reality and dreams, his past and his present. I hope I got it right somehow.
So let me know and leave a comment. :-)
HeavenOnFire