What's a Girl to Do? (Season 4)

by originella

Now that she and Nicholas have proclaimed and acknowledged their feelings for one another, they start their relationship on a high note. However, after a fire brings back someone from their past, they must address how they truly feel about one another, and a shocking secret hits home more than either of them could have ever imagined possible. Will their relationship survive this?

7. The End of an Era

Chapter Seven: The End of an Era

I was thankful that Hugo and Allie requested to sit in on a few of the meetings we hard regarding the Eastman case, and even managed to meet with Gwen a few times on our behalf. It saddened me, however, that they thought they were doing Nicholas and me a favor, and they were—by separating the two of us. As December dawned and I really began thinking of the toxicity and lies that existed between the two of us, and I found myself suddenly wondering if I was in way over my head.

"What's the matter?" Nicholas asked as I unbound my legs from around his torso and let myself down, straightening out my skirt after our latest escapade in his office. "You look...worried. I mean, you've been so quiet these last couple of weeks..."

"Just got a lot on my mind," I replied noncommittally, turning around so as he could do up the single button on the back of my blouse.

"Really?"

"Yes, really," I replied, my tone clipped with impatience as I pulled away from him, to prevent him from overtly touching me. "We've got the case, plus Christmas is nearly two weeks away and I've done only half my shopping..."

"Half your shopping?" he asked as I gathered my leather folder and held it to my chest, almost as if it was a shield to ward him off as I walked towards the door. "That's so unlike you, Murph. I mean, you usually do it all the first weekend in December. Are you sure you're doing all right? Is it someone in your family? Is it Iana—"

"I'm fine!" I snapped, stiffening at the sound of my voice at verbally backhanding his concern for me and every other Gallagher around. "My family is fine. Iana is great. I have to get going now, Nicholas," I said, not making eye contact as I left his office.

I dragged my hand over my face as I walked down the hallway, getting the tears completely out of my eyes until they had the balls to run down my cheeks. Making it there, I saw that it was after one o'clock, and, despite the fact that it was early for me to cut my day short, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I turned and looked out the window then, seeing that swirls of snow were proceeding to dot what little of the landscape was readily available for me to see, and I shook my head, wanting desperately to get out of there.

I took out my phone as I gathered up my things, telling Allie that I was leaving early that Friday afternoon as something had come up at home. Always understanding, Allie told me that she hoped things would be all right as I grabbed my winter coat, putting that on along with my hat and scarf, and deliberately stuffed my earmuffs into my pocket. I gathered my things up into my bag, pulling on my gloves, slipping my heels into my bag and making a grab for my faux fur-lined snow boots and slipped them on as I flicked off the light and stepped out of my office and trudged down the hallway.

Making my way to the elevators, I adjusted the strap of my bag higher up upon my shoulder as I pressed the 'down' button with my gloved finger. I tapped the toe of my boot on the wooden floor, growing impatient to get out of the interim office building. The new firm building was due to open the first of next month, but I wasn't holding my breath for kept promises. The elevator dinged open then and I stepped into it, pressing the correct parking garage level and pressing the 'door close' buttons.

Once I made it down to the parking garage, I crossed directly towards my car and got inside, pulling the door shut with a mighty slam behind me. I tossed my work bag onto the passenger seat and stuck my keys into the ignition, gripping tightly onto my steering wheel, and swearing when I realized my gloves wouldn't allow me to do so properly. I tore them off and threw them down into the well of the passenger seat, gripping the hardened circle then, biting my lower lip to keep the cold from entering my bones as the hot tears formed in my eyes again.

"He's a fucking liar," I whispered to myself then, my shoulders quaking beneath my coat. "You are supposed to hate him—why can't you hate him?!" I demanded, hitting my head onto the steering wheel, letting out an anguished scream. The scream morphed into a sob then as I fumbled for my phone, dialing a familiar number as I did my best to hold it to my ear without dropping it.

"Hey, Murph! What's up?"

"Fi..." I whispered, my voice broken.

"Murph?"

I felt another sob escaping my lips. "I'm sorry," I blubbered. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you on Thanksgiving—"

"Shut up—it doesn't matter," her firm voice came back at me through the phone. "Listen, I'm doing a few laps around the block of the diner in my down time. Why don't you come over here and walk with me? You have a while, don't you?"

"Y-yeah," I replied. "I... I left work early..."

"Just one of those days, huh?"

"Yeah," I said, lifting my head and clearing my throat. "Something tells me that you know the half of it..."

"Always," she replied. "Get your butt over here and we'll talk."

"I'll be there soon," I replied, cutting the call.

I cleared my eyes of the offending salt water matter and turned my key in the ignition, my car firing to life as I pulled out of my temporary parking space. I got out of the parking lot, putting on the windshield wipers to keep the falling snow from obliterating my vision entirely as I drove down towards the highway, which would lead me directly to the diner. I hummed nonsense to myself as I drove, wanting to distract myself from the inevitable wash of tears that so desperately wanted to escape and kept my eyes on the road.

I arrived at the diner quickly enough, pulling out in front as usual and getting out of my car, ever thankful for the grips that my snow boots were equipped with as I carefully walked along the icy street, getting up onto the sidewalk quickly. Looking around, I slipped my gloves back on as I walked slowly around the block before turning the corner, feeling instant relief that I saw Fiona walking towards me, and immediately made for her then. I was relieved I didn't go sliding along the sidewalk as I ran to my older sister, throwing my arms around her quickly then and never wanting to let go.

"I guess this is your method of an apology?" Fiona joked, a short burst of laughter leaving her then as she held me tightly. "Everything okay?"

I sighed, letting her go and just standing there for a moment, reassuring myself that Fiona only had my best interests at heart and, if the stars had been aligned differently, she'd have been the one to raise me, not Tina and Dr. Normal. "I lied..."

"You lied?" she asked, looking at me then in confusion. "What do you mean?"

I sighed, my shoulders deflating, knowing that I had to get this off my chest. "Me and Nicholas, we're not fine..."

Fiona sighed. "I expected as much... What happened?"

"We know who planted the pipe bomb," I say, and Fiona looks shocked. "Well, they know, and Nicholas convinced Hugo to keep me in the dark about it..."

"Keep you in the dark?!" Fiona demanded.

I nodded. "Yeah. Nicholas claims that, because he's so in love with me, that it would be better for everyone that I didn't know that I was on some lady's hit list—"

"Hold up," Fiona said, cutting across me. "He's in love with you, and some lady wanted you dead?! Kindly explain to me this, little sister."

I sighed. "Yeah. Nicholas is in love with me. He's said it twice."

"And how many times have you said it back?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Zero."

"Wait. How come you haven't—?"

"Because the first time was when he came to see me in the hospital—I guess he thought I was in a coma or something, but I was really just exhausted from the ordeal, which explains the fainting spell," I said, knotting my gloved fingers together. "And the second time was on Halloween, when Nicholas told Hugo not to tell me about me being the target of the bomb and the fire, and Hugo agreed to go along with it..."

"Which fucker planted the bombs?!" Fiona demanded.

"Pamela Farris, the woman who attacked me in the courtroom," I replied, crossing my arms. "I guess you can say it's official—she's tried to kill me twice."

Fiona looked around then, fear in her eyes before turning back to me. "They locked that bitch up, right, Murph?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, she's gone."

Fiona sighed in relief then. "Good," she replied. "But, I take it, you haven't confronted Nicholas with any of this, right? With what you know?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Why not?" she asked.

I shook my head again, raising my eyes to hers. "Because I'm afraid of what I might do," I said quietly to her.

"What do you mean?"

I bit my lip. "It's gone back to the way it was—we've been fucking at work, and there's no emotion behind it, really. We don't talk—I always push him away. A couple of weeks ago, he wanted to talk—on Thanksgiving—and I turned him away. When he asked when we could talk, I told him on Monday..."

"Did you talk then?"

"For maybe five minutes," I replied, "until he continually tried to grab me and I shoved him away a few times before we ended up fucking in my office..."

"Murphy, this isn't healthy," Fiona said gently. "You need to tell him what you heard. If you don't, you could lose him forever."

I sighed. "Don't say that."

"It's true, Murphy. You could—"

"Don't say that!" I cried out then, fresh tears escaping from my eyes as I raised them to hers, my voice shaking. "Don't say that, Fi. I...I can't..."

She raised her eyebrows. "Murph..."

"What?"

"You love him," she said, and as I looked away, she touched my arm, and I looked back at her as she continued to speak, "don't you?"

I ripped my hand away. "I am not having this conversation again."

"Well, we've established the fact that you care about him—"

"I don't fucking love him!" I cried out then. "Stop insinuating this, Fiona! I don't love him... I can't... Can't love him..."

"Murph?"

"I can't," I whispered then, collapsing in her arms all over again, as my older sister continued to hold me as I sobbed.

. . .

The work load seemed to diminish more and more by the day as our cutoff for Christmas vacation began within the firm, and, by the twenty-first of December, I was ready to head home to begin my vacation. As I stepped out of my office, pulling the door closed behind me after turning off the light, I spotted the light beneath Nicholas's door, and knew that he was still there, presumably working late. I shook my head, turning around and walking in the opposite direction, towards the elevators, to head home. A snowstorm was expected that night, and while Liam was already on break from school, I wanted to collect Iana and quickly from daycare before it hit completely and potentially stranded us.

The drive to Iana's daycare wasn't terrible, and I felt relief when I saw that Rebecca had readied her for me as I stepped inside. I gave Rebecca her Christmas present—a book that I'd read recently that I thought she would enjoy—before taking Iana into my arms. I wished Rebecca a happy holiday before stepping outside, pulling Iana's bag higher on my shoulder, and adjusting the collar of her coat.

"Mama, Christmas," Iana said.

I smiled, kissing her pink cheek as we walked towards my car. "That's right, sweetheart. Just four more days."

"Presents for Iana?" she wanted to know.

I nodded. "Yes, of course, angel. Many, many presents. Some that are still coming in the mail," I told her as we arrived at the car, which I unlocked quickly, and proceeded to strap her into her car seat. "But, when we get home, you, me, and Uncle Liam will have a mug of hot chocolate, my darling. How does that sound?"

"Yay!" Iana cheered, clapping her mittened hands together.

I smiled at my ability to make my daughter happy as I kissed her forehead, making sure she was buckled in all right before I shut the door. I hurried to the driver's side door, getting in myself and shutting it against the cold as I stuck my keys into the ignition. "We'll head straight home now, my sweet," I said, peeking up at her in the mirror as I pulled out of my parking space. "I guess you or I have to pick which one of us will ask Uncle Ian and Uncle Liam about building a snowman tomorrow..."

"Snowman?" Iana asked, readily interested.

I nodded. "Of course a snowman," I said, flashing her a smile as I continued driving down the main road, towards the highway which would take us past the diner and The Alibi, and then the rest of the way home. "We'll have such fun this Christmas."

Iana smiled at that, making small talk with me for the rest of the drive as we passed all the notable landmarks, before finally arriving on our street. I made a grab for my bag and quickly got out of the car, scooping up Iana and her bag from the back seat and shutting and locking the doors behind us. Quickly, making my way quickly towards the gate, letting myself inside and shutting it behind us as I made my way towards the porch, doing my best not to slip. Once we got to the top, I set Iana down and unlocked the door, whereupon she blitzed inside, running into the living room where Liam was, and he immediately brought her onto the couch and proceeded to help her take off her outside clothes as I shut and locked the door.

"Thanks, little man," I said, coming into the living room before bending down and kissing his forehead in greeting. "Now, who would like some hot chocolate and some sugar cookies?" I asked them.

"Me!" they yelled at the same time.

"Of course you both would," I said, smiling as Liam quickly turned on the T.V. to Iana's favorite show, pulling out a comic book from underneath the couch cushion, perfectly happy to still sit with her while he amused himself.

I stepped into the kitchen, pulling out all the ingredients for the cookies before warming up some water for the hot chocolate. I texted Ian, letting him know that Liam was all in one piece and that Iana and I had made it home safely. I puttered around the kitchen for a while, making the cookies and the hot chocolate, timing it perfectly so that the cookies were going into the oven as soon as the hot chocolate was ready. I put each mug on a tray and brought them into the living room—my phone serving as the timer for the cookies, which rested in my pocket—and handed Liam his own mug, but kept Iana's mug by me until her drink cooled off.

"How was your day, Liam?" I asked, pleased that he had put his comic book aside when I'd come over to sit down.

Liam shrugged. "Okay."

"Yeah?" I asked, trying to catch his eye. "You were alone for a few hours. Ian and I didn't want you to be alone, but we both had to work... You know, I'll be here until you go back to school. I don't go back until after New Year's..."

"I had company," Liam said quietly.

I raised my eyebrows, not wanting to make him uncomfortable if it was a girl—or a boy—who he meant. "Oh, I see. Someone from school?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No. Nobody from school."

"All right," I said, wanting to get to the bottom of it. "Did... Did Frank come over, Liam?" I asked him tentatively, knowing that I would have to tell Ian immediately if Frank had been over to the house when neither of us were around.

"Not Frank."

"Another member of the family, then?" I guessed.

Liam nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, who?" I asked. It was then that I heard the telltale sound of a faucet stopping from upstairs and I immediately got to my feet, retrieving the baseball bat from its corner, and turned to look at Liam. "You stay with Iana," I ordered, immediately going up the stairs, bat gripped firmly in my hand.

"Murphy...?" Liam asked.

"Stay there—both of you," I told him firmly, making my way up the rest of the stairs and walking cautiously towards the bathroom. I could hear whoever was in there shuffling around—presumably putting some clothes on—and I felt my heart beating more quickly then as I attempted to decipher who was alone with Liam all day. Finally, not taking it anymore, I kicked the bathroom door open, yelling, "Freeze, dirtbag!" and "Oh, Jesus!" in a total of five seconds flat when I saw who was in there.

"Oh, fuck!" Lip replied, moving to cover his bottom half with his towel. "Jesus, Murph! You could've knocked!"

"And you could've told me or Ian that you'd be here!" I said, looking away and flushing at the notion that I'd very nearly seen my brother naked—and I didn't need that memory intentionally engrained on my brain twice.

"I asked Ian if I could come by and shower before my shift at the diner," Lip replied, his tone steady as he pulled up his jeans. "Okay—it's safe. You can put the hand down now, and please put the baseball bat down."

Immediately, I hugged the baseball bat to my chest. "But I like it," I said, stroking it and grinning at him.

Lip shook his head. "You hate sports."

"While that is true," I said, and Lip waited for me to continue, "I officially have no follow-up to that, but I like the substantiality I have in carrying it."

Lip rolled his eyes. "Fair enough."

I sighed, lowering the bat, which immediately caused him to relax. "Okay... So, why are you here then, Lip?"

"Liam was going to be alone because you and Ian had work," Lip said simply. "Besides, he's my brother, too. I wanted to help out."

I sighed, looking him up and down. It was the first time we'd been in the same room on our own since the night I'd gone into labor, and it was very surreal to me. "Look, Lip... I hope you'll forgive me for asking, but..."

"Yes, Murphy, I'm sober—completely," he replied, throwing up his hands.

I nodded. "How long?"

"One year, seven months, and one day," Lip said, looking satisfied with himself.

Quickly, I did the math. "One year, seven months, one day... You've been sober since the day Iana was born?!" I demanded in shock.

Lip nodded. "Seriously, I have."

I blinked. "Why?" I whispered.

Lip let out a soft chuckle. "Honestly? My attacking you was a wake up call," he said, and I raised my eyebrows. "And after I left, and crashed at Fiona's, once she got the full story from Ian, she pretty much chewed me out," he replied.

I shook my head. "I'm shocked. I didn't think that you'd..."

"Neither did I, to be honest," he said quietly. "I've come into a deeper understanding about my life, Murph, more so than I have in a long time. I know now that, if it's cool with you, we can move on from whatever this was," he says, and I allow myself to smile at him. "In making my amends to you, Murphy, I promise to love and to support you as the brother I was always supposed to be. I deeply regret hanging onto something that was so wrong, and for constantly treating you like a girlfriend when I should've treated you like my sister. The night I attacked you was one of the worst nights of my life, and I hope that one day, you'll be able to forgive me for it. I hope you can accept that and call me your brother, when you're ready."

"Lip, you are my brother already, and you will always be my brother," I told him, reaching out and taking his hand, and I was relieved that there was nothing when we touched, and neither of us gasped as we used to. "I know you were in a dark place, but we all have those now and again—we're Gallagher's, and we wouldn't be Gallagher's without a small amount of imperfections in all of us."

"So, you forgive me?" Lip asked.

I nodded. "I forgive you, Lip. We can move on from this, I know we can, and I know we'll be better people for it."

Lip smiled. "Thanks, Murph."

I smiled back at him. "You're welcome, Lip. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Murphy," he replied.

. . .

Three nights later, on Christmas Eve, Ian and I had stayed up late wrapping presents, and it was getting close to midnight, so we knew we had to be in bed soon to get a couple of hours of sleep the following morning. I spent the other half of my time checking my phone, hoping against hope that Nicholas would be the one to text me. I could sense Ian's eyes on me about the fifteenth time I checked my phone, and he made a noise of exasperation.

"What?" I asked, turning to look at him.

He shrugged. "Just call him."

I stuffed my phone back into my pocket. "I don't know what you're talking about," I replied in a calm manner, pulling closer a doll that Iana had asked for, and proceeded to wrap it. "I hardly have it in my mind to call anyone."

"Cut the British schoolmarm crap," Ian said impatiently, "and call your boyfriend."

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe I don't want to..."

"Maybe I don't care," Ian replied. "Just call him. Give the poor man a break for twenty-four hours, Murph, and take some time off from hating him and enjoy yourself a little."

"Ian, he lied to me..."

Ian nodded. "I know, and I'll fucking kick his ass the moment you tell me I can," he said rapidly, ignoring the look of disapproval I gave him, "but I think you should consider mitigating circumstances because it's the holidays. Call him."

I sighed. "Fine," I snapped, fishing my phone back out of my pocket and going into my call logs before finding Nicholas buried in there among calls from Ian, Fiona, and Allie, and pressed it quickly before I lost my nerve.

"Hello?" he asked, his voice full of confusion, on the third ring.

"Hey, Nicholas," I said quietly.

"Hey, Murph. Merry Christmas Eve."

"For another twenty minutes," I joked.

Nicholas chuckled on the other end of the phone as Ian walked stealthily towards the kitchen to give us some privacy. "Look at that. I guess it is."

"Listen," I said quietly, "I just wanted to be upfront with you. I wasn't calling you to discuss the case or anything..."

"Oh?" he asked. "What did you call for, Murphy?"

"Uh, well..." I said, and turned to look at Ian, who rolled his eyes, and gestured with his hands, clearly an invitation for Nicholas to come over. "I was wondering if maybe you'd want to come over tomorrow. You know, see Iana and the family..."

"Really?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. Really."

"Well, it would be nice to give you your gifts..."

I scoffed. "Nicholas please—you didn't have to get me anything..."

"I needed to, Murphy. Really."

"Oh," I said, relieved that, despite my anger, I'd bought him something as well. "Well, that means a lot to me, Nicholas. Thank you."

"I'll be over around noon tomorrow, then. All right?"

"Yeah, th-that's fine," I stammered.

"Okay, Murphy. See you then."

"You, too," I said, hanging up before I lost control. "Feel better now?" I asked as Ian came back into the living room to help me wrap more gifts.

Ian smirked. "I think you will," he said, and I rolled my eyes.

"You're always such a fucking dick," I muttered.

"That's what they call me," Ian replied.

The following day could only be described as magical, with Iana being dubbed the Princess of Christmas by everyone, and being showered and surrounded by gifts. She wandered around, figuring out quickly how to read her name on the packages, and picking out her presents very quickly. From a pair of fairy wings from Debbie and Franny, to the tutu Fiona had bought her, to the crown from Trevor, the slippers from Ian, the long gloves from Carl, the plastic jewelry that looked real from Lip, the gown from me, the tights from Liam, and the scepter from Nicholas, my daughter was officially outfitted appropriately as a ballerina princess.

"It was nice of you to be part of the theme," I said quietly to Nicholas.

Nicholas smiled. "Hey, anything to see Iana happy."

I looked over at her then, and smiled as she came wandering over to us, still dressed in her finery, and I bent automatically to pick her up.

"No!" Iana said, jutting out her chin and looking back at me with my eyes, before she turned and looked at Nicholas. "Nicky!" she said then, throwing up her arms, an impish grin on her face then, and Nicholas chuckled.

"Oh, all right," he said indulgently, lifting her up into his lap. "Better?"

Iana grinned, leaning her head back. "Yeah," she replied.

"Iana, don't be taking advantage of Nicholas now..."

"Not, Mama!" Iana said, grinning at me.

I looked up at Nicholas. "Just tell me if you want me to take her..."

Nicholas shook his head. "I'm fine, really, Murph," he assured me.

I watched Nicholas interacting with my daughter then, tickling her arms and making her laugh, but also speaking to her as well, and he really was listening to her answers. Something overcame my thoughts then, one thing that I'd never even begun to consider. The longer that Nicholas stayed in my life, the longer he would be seen as another father figure towards Iana. I didn't know how Ian would feel about that, although I was near positive that he'd considered such a thing happening. I smiled then, allowing myself momentary happiness then as I saw Nicholas lean down to catch Iana's every word—some story she liked to tell about a little girl who had a kitten, and I couldn't help but think she was that little girl—and Nicholas listened attentively and I thought, for the first time, how good of a father Nicholas would make. Although his lie still hung between us, I couldn't deny his doting on Iana, and, I wondered, if he and I didn't work out, how crushed she would end up being, and while I certainly did not want that to happen, I did not want to risk my unhappiness either, and knew that, at some point in time, a happy medium had to be achieved.