A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR, ALL :D Tomorrow, I go back to school. Boo :( You're all so nice! I'm so happy this fic makes you laugh XD I laugh when I read those chapters, too XD THANKS FOR YOUR REVIEWS! :)
Disclaimer: No, I do not own Naruto.
"Who's Neji, sweetheart?"
Tenten gawked at her parents. She'd been asking them what the hell their problem was, acting odd and uncharacteristic for the entire night. "It's a miracle if Neji won't break up with me tomorrow," she had said.
"What are you talking about?" she slowly said. "Don't tell me you forgot him after humiliating me."
Her mother blinked. "But, Tenten-chan...all I remember is that I was tending to the garden around late afternoon and Sakura-chan and this handsome young fellow came by then everything blacked out. I couldn't even remember taking dinner."
"I was in the yard," her father said. "Then a man with dark hair and red eyes did some kind of hypnotism jutsu on me. Like your mom, I was out cold."
Tenten felt frustrated. After everything, after making herself pretty, getting something nice to wear, holding her head up high even when her parents acted like they were on crack and exchanged what could have been her first kiss for a stupid high-five, nothing happened? Her parents still think she's a lesbian? How annoying. Tenten felt like strangling herself.
"So...you're telling me you don't remember anything," Tenten said.
Her parents nodded vigorously.
Tenten sighed. This is not happening. This cannot be happening.
"By the way, Tenten-chan," her mother said. "Your grandparents will be visiting for a few weeks. They'll be coming tomorrow. Oh, and a nice girl will be coming with them. She's very friendly and she's very, very, very excited to meet you."
The weapons mistress' lips trembled. She felt like crying. She really did. Something tells her this nice girl her mother is talking about wants to be more than friends. Oh, good God, they're actually getting me a lover.
She gave her parents a bright smile. "She can go fuck herself."
"Tenten-chan!"
Shrugging, she headed back upstairs to her room. She let herself fall face-first on her bed and just think. She thought about how in the world she would tell Neji her parents have absolutely no idea who he is. She thought about all her efforts gone to waste. She thought about life and how it hates her so. When an hour passed, she felt herself drifting off to sleep. And then she heard some kind of noise outside. She sat up in bed and listened. Whatever it was, it sounded like someone singing Thunder.
Tenten walked over to her window and sent a barrage of weapons towards whoever was creating that ruckus. "SHUT YOUR STINKING MOUTHS; I'M TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP! FREAKING DRUNKS!"
Down in the front yard, Neji held the broken guitar that got hit by Tenten's attack. He was hiding behind a tree the moment his teammate started to yell. Shocked, he stood there for a while as he tried to calm his frayed nerves, thinking damn, that was close. Then he left the area.
"Only Tenten," he muttered.
Neji had crept back to her house to serenade her, knowing it was supposed to be what her ideal boyfriend would do. It had taken him several minutes to convince himself it was for her parents' benefit, not his, before finally sneaking out of the Hyuuga compound and an hour to convince himself it was all Gai that was making him do such odd things and it was beyond his control.
The next morning, Tenten groggily said goodbye to her parents. She dragged herself towards the training grounds.
"Hi, Tenten!"
Ino ran up alongside her. Tenten acknowledged her presence with a lazy nod.
"You okay?"
"Some crazy, drunk retard was moaning like a dead animal by our house. It takes me forever to fall asleep again after being woken up."
"So, how was your dinner last night?" the blonde coyly asked.
Tenten made a face. "Ugh. It was a disaster. Epic fail. I wanna kill myself."
"Can you hear the trash you're blabbering? 'Ugh. I wanna kill myself'?" Ino mocked, disgusted by her depressed behaviour. "Emo much. I'm sure it wasn't that big a deal. Who cares if your dad totally tried to maim Neji last night?"
The two girls stopped in their tracks. Tenten narrowed her eyes, suspicious, as Ino covered her mouth, just aware of what she blurted out.
"How did you know that?" Tenten asked.
"I...I..." Ino stammered, sounding like Hinata, when she finally figured out a last-minute alibi. "The guys and I spied on you guys last night."
"Really now." Tenten raised an eyebrow, doubtful of her friend's answer.
"Yep," Ino affirmed, proud of her excuse. "You gotta admit, Sasuke and Sakura make a pretty good team—"
She stopped herself from revealing much more. Oh, brilliant, Ino. You wanna get maimed by Sasuke, too?
Tenten pointed accusingly at Ino. "Aha! Now, talk! What really happened last night?"
Ino sighed in defeat. There's no way she could lie her way out of it this time. "Fine. I'll tell you. Sasuke and Forehead transformed into your parents last night."
"Oh, so that's why my parents couldn't remember meeting Neji."
"Yeah."
"Are you guys totally insane? What were thinking doing weird things like that?" Tenten demanded.
"Well, what are you and Neji thinking?" Ino snapped defensively. "Sasuke knows something's weird going on between you guys. We're trying to help you. We know your secret."
Like the day before in the clothing store, Tenten became nervous. "Ino, please. Can't you guys be happy for us? There's nothing going on."
Ino huffed. "Exactly. Nothing. So, 'fess up."
Tenten knew there was no way out of this. Maybe it won't do a lot of damage if she told one person. "Alright. Here's the truth..."
Ino brightened up.
"But you can't tell anyone."
She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah."
"I'm serious."
"But...ugh! Fine." Ino pouted. "What's the point of telling a secret if I can't tell it to the rest of the world?"
"I won't even answer that," Tenten said. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "It's true. Neji and I aren't really dating."
Ino had a hunch this was what was wrong but she felt disappointed all the same. "Why would you do that, Tenten?"
Anxiously, Tenten looked down. There's no way in hell she would tell Ino what the real reason is. That would be so embarrassing. "Hiashi-sama thinks Neji's gay."
Neither one of the girls uttered a word after. Then Ino started to laugh. Loudly. Tenten tried to escape while her friend was distracted. People were starting to stare.
"Oh, man!" Ino cried. "You serious, girl? That's so embarrassing!"
Tenten tried to smile but couldn't find the energy to. Yeah. Tell me about it.
"Aw, come on, Tenten, let me tell someone," Ino pleaded.
Tenten grabbed Ino's ponytail and sharply hissed, "No. You can't tell anyone, Ino. You can't even tell Neji I told you. You hear me?"
"Fine," Ino sadly mumbled.
"Now, in return, you have to tell the others—"
"Gladly!"
"I didn't mean our secret, Ino. I'm not finished. You need to tell them to quit it," Tenten ordered. "No more spying. No more transforming into my parents. No more of your tricks. When Sasuke says you guys to do something that might reveal what's really happening, you can tell him to shove it."
Ino stared at her. "What are you, nuts? He'll Kirin me or something."
Exasperated, Tenten said, "Just tell him I don't need any more of his crap! If he wants to be Hyuuga Neji, he can grow his hair long, get a curse mark on his forehead and run his mouth off about fate and destiny!"
"He doesn't want to be Neji. He wants to be better."
"I don't give a damn. Just stop it, okay? I'm on my knees, here, Ino. Please."
"...you're not on your knees, Tenten. You're standing."
Tenten looked at her strangely. There's something wrong with this girl. Seriously. "I'm speaking figuratively, Ino."
"Oh. Okay."
They stood in awkward silence for a while before Tenten awkwardly said goodbye and reminded Ino she was not to tell anyone about her and Neji.
As Tenten walked to the training grounds to meet Neji, she felt horrible about lying about the real reason. She didn't really mean to tell Ino Neji's uncle thought he was gay. Really, she didn't. That just came out. And Neji would understand. She'd done so much for him so this wouldn't look like such a bad thing. And like he'd ever know. Tenten assured herself Ino would keep her promise. The girl's a loudmouth and won't keep her mouth shut but she knows the value of friendship. Hopefully.
When she reached her destination, Neji was already waiting for her.
"Hi, good morning," she greeted.
Neji nodded. Then Tenten felt her heart stop. She just remembered what happened the previous night. Everything came flooding back to her. The catastrophic dinner with her parents, the whole Tenten's Dad a.k.a Sasuke vs. Neji and the embarrassing predicament she was in when Neji tried to kiss her and she gave him a high-five. Good times, good times.
Please don't bring it up, please don't bring it up.
"I take it your father has recovered from his injuries during our fight?" Neji politely asked.
"He's...he's fine," Tenten said.
Damn him! He was Sasuke! He wasn't Otou-san! He should have burned in hell! CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM!
"Who must we crucify?"
Tenten mentally slapped herself. She was saying that out loud? "Um...Neji, listen. My parents last night weren't my parents.
"I...I beg your pardon?"
It's I think my brain exploded in Neji speak.
"Our two good friends, Sasuke and Sakura, transformed into my parents and my real mom and dad were taken away," Tenten explained. "So, my parents haven't really met you yet."
She added, "I'm sorry" shortly after, even though it wasn't at all her fault.
"I see."
That one was Oh, my God, you're kidding, right? Shit. Well, this sucks, don't you think?
"I might have to ask you to dinner again. I'm really sorry. I'll make sure it's gonna go right this time," Tenten said.
Yeah. Right. As if anything's right with what's going on with us right now.
"I'd be delighted to join you again for dinner," Neji replied, pleasantly enough.
Tenten gazed at him with part-admiration and part-bafflement. "Gosh, you're so nice, Neji. Thank you so much."
She was smiling at him but she felt even more terrible. Even when she keeps on giving Neji so much trouble, he's still helping her. And what did she do? She told Ino Neji's accused of being a homosexual male.
"Oh, and Tenten," Neji called before getting into his stance.
"Yeah?"
"Next time, please do think of your actions before doing them. I don't think a high-five is romantic enough for your parents."
Shikamaru turned around and saw Hinata, Sakura and Naruto.
"Alright," he said. "Now we're complete."
"What did you call us for?" Kiba asked, patting Akamaru's head.
"Chouji has something to tell us."
His best friend stepped up behind him. "I've gathered some information while speaking with Tenten yesterday when she and Naruto came over at Shikamaru's."
"Good," Sasuke said, listening intently.
Chouji proceeded to tell them about what Tenten had told him, leaving out the parts about the dinner. He wanted to share those notes, but he didn't think Sasuke would appreciate it. The guy was treating this thing so seriously, it's like he'd eat their throats out if they play around.
"He bought her the kimono!" Sakura exclaimed. "How—"
"How romantic! Don't you think, Sasuke-kun?" Naruto mockingly said. "Seriously, Sakura-chan, the subtle thing's not working. Sasuke-teme isn't getting the message."
"Whatever."
"He's making a good job out of hiding it," Sasuke muttered, concentrating on the information Chouji supplied.
Naruto shrugged at Sakura. I told you so.
Then he spoke up, "Hey, teme. I've been thinking."
"That's shocking. Should I be concerned?" Sasuke answered, still thinking of another plan.
"No, see, Hinata-chan and I were talking about serious things," Naruto continued.
"Naw, really?" Kiba cheekily remarked.
The Kyuubi boy glared at them. "I'm capable of those things, thank you very much. So Hinata-chan and I wanted to back out."
This got Sasuke's attention. "What?"
"It's not right," Naruto said.
"Sasuke-kun, please hear us out," Hinata said. "Tenten-san and Neji-nii san are really happy together. We don't want to cause what could possibly make them sad."
"Fine," Sasuke growled. "And I suppose there are more who would like to quit?"
"No way." Kiba grinned. "This is way fun."
A figure soon approached them. His dark shades gleamed in the sunlight. "Hello, everyone."
"Oh, oh!" Naruto excitedly exclaimed. "This is...I know this guy! It's—"
"Shino!" Kiba yelled out. "How's your mission?"
"I was going to say that," Naruto muttered.
"I have an idea," Sakura said. "Let's use Shino's bugs to spy on Tenten and Neji. No matter what, they won't notice."
"Good idea," Chouji commented.
Shino was undoubtedly surprised when everyone crowded him and started to give him instructions. No one ever fussed over him before.
"Hey!" Ino called out and walked up to them. "Why'd you start without me?"
Hinata, puzzled, turned to Shikamaru. "I thought you said we were complete."
He blinked. "So that's why it was so quiet."
Shino sent a small wasp to the training grounds where Tenten and Neji usually were. He was informed about their plan to bring Neji down. Shino was confused. He never had a desire to beat Neji at whatever he's doing but he didn't say anything.
"We'll meet back here again in 1600 hours," Sasuke said before leaving.
"Cool. We're like secret agents," Kiba said and walked away with Naruto, Hinata and Shino.
"See ya..."
Shikamaru and Chouji took off as well.
"That's not fair!" Ino indignantly protested. "I don't know what we're up to now!"
"There, there," Sakura comforted her.
"By the way, I talked with Tenten a while ago."
"Yeah? What did you talk about?"
Ino puffed up her cheeks, trying to remember what Tenten wanted her to tell everyone. "She wanted to relay a message but I can't remember what...hey, I just learned something interesting. Neji's uncle totally thinks he's gay!"
Sakura gasped. "Wow. That is interesting."
"But you can't tell anyone," Ino said. "Tenten will kill me if she found out I told you."
The pink-haired medic-nin grinned at her and crossed her fingers behind her back. "Sure. You can trust me. Hey, um, I'm just going to the hospital, okay? I'll see you later, Ino-pig."
Sakura walked off, but she didn't go the hospital. She headed for Ichiraku, where she was certain Naruto was. She found him eating alone. He explained Kurenai called for a team meeting and they'll be back after a while.
"Hiashi-sama thinks Neji's gay," she told him.
Naruto almost choked on the ramen noodles. "No way! That old guy?"
"Yeah, Tenten told Ino, who told me. Don't tell anyone or I'll pulverize you. I'll see you later, Naruto."
"Bye, Sakura-chan."
A few minutes later, Hinata returned to Naruto. Kiba and Shino were given a short D-rank mission.
"Hey, Hinata-chan, did you know your weird dad thinks Neji's gay? Tenten told Ino who told Sakura-chan who told me. But don't tell anyone. Sakura-chan will seriously kill me."
"Really? I never knew that. But Otou-san usually keeps to himself so I never would've known what he's thinking," the Hyuuga heiress replied.
Much later, Hinata met up with Kiba and Shino. Then while they were talking about the mission when Hinata suddenly blurted out what Naruto told her.
Kiba laughed. "That's rich! That dude? Thinks Neji's gay? Oh, man!"
"Please—Please d-don't tell anyone, Kiba-kun," Hinata said, looking very red.
"Yeah, sure, whatever," her teammate said.
Much, much later, Kiba passed by a tree on his walks with Akamaru. Under the shade, resting, was Shikamaru. The first thing Kiba said to him was what he learned from Hinata.
"The Hyuuga Horror thinks Neji's gay."
"...who's the Hyuuga Horror?"
"Uh, his uncle, duh."
"Yeah?" Shikamaru was smirking, amused. "That's unlikely. You're not kidding, right?"
"Of course not!" And instead of saying not to keep it a secret, Kiba said, "Pass it on! Tell the whole world!"
"Do I have to say 'the Hyuuga Horror thinks Neji's gay'?"
"Nah, you're not cool enough to pull it off. Later, Shikamaru."
Shikamaru told Chouji later on, who passed it on to his parents. And it spread even more from there. Choza said it to the other Jounin, who said it to the Hokage. Tsunade, in one of her drunken episodes, shouted it loud and clear in the halls of the Hokage Tower. The 'Hiashi thinks Neji's gay' rumor spread far and wide throughout Konoha through the grapevine.
After all, that's how secrets eventually end up.
A/N: The Konoha civilians are evil. They really are. Review? :D