Chapter 5. The site of Agrabah. The next day.
Joseph's crew had set all their equipment up; one enterprising fellow had even begun digging. Feisal was pacing the perimeter of the dig site anxiously. He didn't think it was such a good idea to stay when they had been told to leave.
When Ardeth Bey had told them to leave.
He didn't think that was a good idea at all. He thought it was an idea only slightly worse than pressing a button labeled Do Not Press, or picking up a snake you couldn't identify while saying "well, it doesn't look poisonous."
"Feisal! Stop doing that and get back to work!"
"You hired me as a guard sir. I am doing work. Guarding. You do realize that if they come back we don't stand a chance. We exhausted most of the ammunition last night and didn't even hit anyone. And they have short-range weapons. Do we have any swords with us?"
"Swords are a thing of the past, Feisal. We have superior technology."
"Yes, and that's what I'm worried about. What are we supposed to do when our superior technology runs out of superior ammunition? Ardeth Bey doesn't have to reload a sword."
"Well, punch him in the face, then," said Joseph. He was only half listening to Feisal by then, as he was examining a pottery shard that had just been found. "Worthless. Won't do us any good at all."
"Well, I don't think you have to say that about me," said Feisal.
"I meant this pottery shard, Feisal. Might have that Historical Significance el-Hibri's always yammering on about. We'll give it to him."
"Boss, it's nearly sunset," a crew man said.
"Right! Get the dinner preparations ready and light the lamps!"
"Sunset! Oh, no!" said Feisal.
"What, do you turn back into a pumpkin?" asked Joseph.
"No! Look!" He pointed at a hilltop. The Guardians of Agrabah were already assembled on it. Joseph grabbed weapons and handed them out to the crew. Soon, Commander Rahim had led his squadron back into the camp.
"What happened? You sent Ardeth back?"
"Ardeth went back," said Commander Rahim. "This is not his battle to fight."
"Ha! You hear that, men! Let's see how brave they are without him, shall we?"
"And you will." Rahim took aim at Joseph, but before he could shoot him, a member of the crew fired. The shot hit Rahim in the shoulder and knocked him off his horse.
"Well done! Feisal, I notice you're not shooting?"
"Do your own dirty work, Wellington. I told you I feared Ardeth Bey. It was half true. I feared being part of the kind of expedition that went against him. Not because of what he would do, but because that's the wrong kind of expedition to be on. I will not hurt you, but I will not hurt any of these men either." He sat on top of an excavated pillar.
"You people are too honorable for your own good," snarled Joseph. "Now I'll finish off this one!" He grabbed a gun and advanced on Commander Rahim, but one of the guards kicked him aside.
"We must get Commander Rahim to safety!" he said. While Joseph was lying on the ground, this man hit him in the head with the hilt of a sword. "That ought to buy us the time we need. Now, everyone, listen to me. We told you all that you had to leave. You were lucky to have injured our commander so quickly. Your misinformed persistence will be your undoing. We leave you to the jinn. For now, we ride out. Farid, you go first. Take Commander Rahim with you and send a message to Ardeth Bey once you return to the village. Safi and I will see to this camp."
After Farid left, the apparent second-in-command and Safi grabbed torches and set fire to the crew's equipment and their supply tent before riding off with the rest of the Guardians of Agrabah. Feisal's warning had come true; many of Joseph's crew found themselves with empty guns; even those that could reload couldn't do it in time to fight back.
"What do we do now?" said one of them to Feisal.
"We get Mr. Wellington back inside his tent. We rebuild our equipment. And for the love of God, if any of us finds a lamp, we don't rub it. I had a bad feeling about this expedition from the beginning, and only the fact that honor doesn't pay for food is stopping me from running off now."
A week later.
Despite all warnings, the dig was back in full swing, and several valuable pieces of Agrabi history had already been unveiled. The guardians of Agrabah had not come back.
"Hey boss. I think you ought to come see this."
"Is it valuable? We've found a lot in this city already, but you can never be too rich."
"I don't know what it's worth. It's just...odd."
Joseph walked over to where the crewman indicated. There, lying on the ground, still partly buried in sand, was a dusty old black oil lamp.
"The lamp! I have to say it's a bit less impressive than I thought, but let's see if those stories were true!" It certainly had historical significance, but sending it off to that cocky el-Hibri in Cairo was the furthest thing from his mind, even though he'd promised. He'd send the museum some pottery instead.
"Sir, I have a bad feeling about this. Dr. el-Hibri said it was an evil genie, and I don't think that he would have come out here with Ardeth Bey if there wasn't a serious problem. I don't think we should be disregarding all the stories about Agrabah."
Joseph rolled his eyes. These Arabs would say anything to scare people off, but it wasn't going to work on him, no sir. If that pathetic guard squadron couldn't deter him, nothing was going to.
"I'm only cleaning it, Marshall! No harm ever came from cleaning a lamp!" He pulled the lamp out of the sand, took a clean rag off his stack of gear and began rubbing the lamp.
"Boss, that don't look too good," said a workman, pointing to a red trail of smoke coming out.
"That's just the dust coming off."
"Dust? What mortal dares call ME dust?" asked the trail, which by then had become a cloud then, finally, coalesced into a giant red demon with a sharp nose and a twisted goatee.
Joseph, upon being addressed, looked up and beheld the creature. In spite of the creature's obviously ill-omened appearance, Joseph smiled. "A genie! So the legend that that silly curator told me was true! Well, I still think they only wanted to send me away so they could have the wishes for themselves."
"You have three wishes. I recommend you use the first one to set me free. Otherwise I will bring you nothing but pain and despair."
"Go back in the lamp. I need more time to think about my wishes."
"How'd that thing understand you? It all sounded like Arabic to me," said Marshall.
"The master always understands the genie," said the genie. "So, what shall it be? Promise to set me free, or risk the wrath of Jafar?"
"I told you. I need time. Maybe I won't make any wishes at all and throw you down a well."
"I know people too well. They all have something they must have no matter what the price. Power, money, love—oh, we can't force it, but we can improve your chances, that is, if you get a genie who isn't me—and so forth."
"Go. Back. In. The. Lamp. Wait, I don't have to use a wish for that, do I?"
"No." The genie went back in the lamp. Joseph left it with the rest of the artifacts for the rest of the day.
The next morning, Joseph was awoken by a member of his crew.
"Arnold's been...Arnold's a...You should see this, boss."
Outside Arnold's tent there was a cage with a mongoose in it.
"What happened?" asked Joseph.
"I've got this terrible fear of snakes, see? Can't stand snakes. So I thought, it's a harmless wish, he can't turn that against me. So I rubbed the lamp and when he came out I said 'I wish to be safe from snakes for this entire expedition!' And he turned me into a mongoose! I mean, it worked, I don't fear snakes now since the mongoose brain knows how to kill them, but I'm a mongoose!" said the mongoose.
"Until the expedition is over. At least you didn't say 'for the rest of my life.'"
"End the expedition. See what happens. If I turn human I'll stay with you until we figure out a way to get rid of the genie."
Joseph gathered his crew round.
"Listen up people. In light of recent events, I've decided to seek alternate methods of dealing with this genie. You are all released from your obligations as my crew, excepting any who want to help me with the current problem. The expedition is officially over."
Most of the men picked up their gear and started walking in the direction of their vehicles. Some stayed behind.
"It worked!" said a jubilant man now holding a rodent cage. "I'm human! And I'm staying!"
"All right. The lamp stays with me. Nobody touches it. Nobody thinks too hard about touching it. We're going to go back to Cairo and get to the bottom of this."
"What makes you think Cairo has the answers?"
"The director was looking at the History of Agrabah. And I'm sure he's translated it."
"You didn't bring it along?"
"What good would it do us, we don't speak Arabic," said Joseph.
"Um, boss…we have Feisal."
"Oh. Why didn't you tell me you knew Arabic?"
"I didn't think you needed to be told that Arabs know Arabic, Mr. Wellington. But then, I didn't think you needed to be told that when Ardeth Bey tells you not to dig somewhere, you don't dig there. I have never been sure about this expedition, and now I do not think I should stay."
"Oh, please do. You know about these genie things, right?"
"I know very little about jinn. I know that, like mankind, their numbers include both good and evil, believers and infidels. I know that some of them, usually evil ones, are confined to lamps or bottles. And I know that they have magic powers beyond the comprehension of mortals."
"I was turned into a goddamn mongoose, Feisal. I think we know that whole 'magic powers' bit."
Joseph went back into his tent, the lamp still in his satchel. Well, I'm going to find a way out of this without looking like an idiot, he thought.
The lamp gleamed temptingly. "Oh, no. I'm not wishing for anything off of you," he said.
The lamp did not reply.
Well, I suppose if I ask for the right thing…what a fool, only wishing to be safe from snakes! He nearly deserved that! Oh, I've got it. We'll see how el-Hibri and Bey feel after this one!
Joseph rubbed the lamp. Jafar emerged from it, but after hitting his genie head on the top of Joseph's tent, he shapeshifted into a tall human, wearing a long black robe and a black turban with a bright red feather stuck in it. "Are you more comfortable with this form?" Jafar asked, but in a way that made it sound as if he'd be happier if Joseph wasn't.
"I would have to say no. I've got to say I've never thought of what to do if I met an evil vizier."
"Pray," snapped Jafar. "And I am not an evil vizier anymore."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I never thought of what to do if I met an evil genie, either."
"Unfortunately, I am still bound by genie laws. Most prominently, I cannot kill anyone."
"Well, I have a wish. I wish to be famous in Cairo."
That's not nearly specific enough, Jafar thought, but would never tell him. Ah well, if that's really what you want, I'll give it to you.
The genie snapped his fingers. "There. Would you like to see how you are famous in Cairo?"
"Oh yes, very much."
Jafar pulled a mirror out of thin air and showed it to him. In it, he could see a bustling Cairo street, and heard his name being spoken. He waited for a minute to hear the context, and nearly gagged once he did. To make it worse, this was the street the Cairo Museum occupied a prominent position on, and Khalid el-Hibri, riding his bicycle, nearly slammed into a pillar laughing when someone told him the horrible story.
"Oh, don't worry. You can tell him it isn't true if that's someone you care about. I only sparked off a rumor; people can choose for themselves whether to believe it's true."
"I don't care about Khalid el-Hibri as such. I care about his opinion, though. And he'll probably never have a good opinion of me again now that everyone in Cairo is thinking I buggered a camel!"
"Did he have a good opinion of you to begin with?"
"Wouldn't you know that? You're supposed to be the all-knowing genie."
"I can know facts, Joseph. I cannot know someone else's feelings. Otherwise, I would know what people really meant with their wishes."
"If only you did! I would have thought you'd assume that I wanted to be famous for something good!"
"Ah, but you did not say so, Joseph. I became a master of exploiting the loopholes before I was even a genie. You will have to phrase your wishes very, very carefully to get a good result from me. Wouldn't it just be easier to wish me free?"
"No. I may have done bad things in the past—tomb-robbing, shooting a few people, littering—but one bad thing I will not do is unleash the likes of you on the world. I'll hide you away if I can't do anything better."
"If I had known that knowing I was evil would activate so many people's consciences, I'd have taken advantage of it centuries ago to keep the populace in order."
Joseph ordered Jafar back into his lamp, and sat down on his cot, his head slumped down into his hands. The wish had only made the situation more hopeless. Why, oh why, didn't I listen to Ardeth Bey, Joseph wondered. Really, though, he didn't have to wonder; he knew why, as much as Ardeth, already back in the Medjai fortress, did. Wanting the wealth of the city was part of it, but so was disregarding warnings because they came from "superstitious natives." Well, I'll never do that again, Joseph thought. But that didn't help him right now. Nothing would.
Except possibly a drink. But sooner or later, even that would stop helping.
He had a drink anyway. Tomorrow, he thought, we'll pack up to get out of I'm going to have to stop being an immature prat and ask el-Hibri for some help. He took the lamp back outside and stashed it in a crate, then asked Feisal to make sure nobody touched it. Feisal nodded.
Author's Note:1. Yes, I know Genie Jafar's human form wears a red robe. In the sequel that I'm already completely ignoring to make a crossover. I think if he can turn people into mongeese and hypnotize the entire population of Cairo into thinking Mr. Wellington shagged a camel, he can bloody well make his human form wear whatever he wants. 2. Using real genie lore again for what Feisal tells Joseph; not all genies were enslaved or confined, and in fact many confined genies were more likely to be evil than to be the supernatural vending machines Aladdin—the movie more so than the story, but the story too—turns them into. Even free genies weren't necessarily wish granters; the good ones sometimes helped people, but not necessarily by responding to specific demands.