Disclaimer: I own nothing related to the Frozen universe including, but not limited to, characters, names of places, lyrics, dialogue, or any other piece of product. Disney retains all the rights to this universe. I am making no money or receiving any kind of compensation, material or non-material, for this fiction. It's all for fun. Please don't sue me. I do claim the writing, the idea behind this particular narrative, and any peripheral characters or locations created to augment Disney's work.
o000o
Anna was numb. Her head spun. Fifteen minutes ago she had been nestled in Kristoff's arms. Now Hilde's inn faded behind them and she could barely understand what was happening, much less what she should feel about all of it.
So instead of feeling, Anna tried thinking, but then all she thought of was Kristoff.
She thought of him coming back to her in Arendelle as soon as he retrieved the sled from Lake Limingen and sweeping her up in his strong arms. She thought of how soft his face could look in the firelight when he said her name. She thought of the things he made her feel and how they felt an awful lot like what might be love, but what did she know?
Well, quantifiably, she knew a lot. Four languages, higher math, the complexities of her royal lineage… but what did she really know outside of books? What did she know about people and love? Seeing the same eleven, then nine, people for years left her inexperienced at best. Especially when the one person who really mattered stayed locked in a room away from everyone ever.
Now that same person who couldn't be bothered for all of those years was dragging her away from one of the most wonderful, frustrating, amazing people she'd ever known and she felt... well she wasn't quite sure. She wasn't sure of anything anymore.
Anna was used to not being in control of her own life, her own destiny. She was used to living in the shadow of things she wasn't allowed to see. She was used to lies, half–truths, closed doors, but now…
Now she knew better – or at least she knew more. She knew what it felt like to really live, to make choices, to take up space, and it was amazing. It made her want to get on a ship and sail to every country known to man and not come back until she'd seem them all. It made her want to strip down naked and roll in the grass because she never wanted to feel trapped again. She wondered if Elsa could even begin to understand any of this. She wondered if Elsa ever knew what it was to feel free and happy and alive. She wondered if Elsa had ever really felt anything ever.
The wind whipped against her cheeks as the sleigh blazed down the mountain. The borrowed clothes she wore kept her warm enough, but something cold cracked and spread through her chest. It felt like there was still ice stuck in her heart, chilling her blood, and freezing her from the inside out. She felt alone.
Was this how Elsa felt all of the time?
She wanted to ask, but she knew she would not receive an answer. So she didn't ask. In fact she didn't say anything at all. Anna was silent, which was as difficult as it was uncharacteristic, but if Elsa wasn't going to talk, neither was she. She wouldn't give Elsa the satisfaction of conversation, because talking was satisfying, or at least Anna thought it was.
It only took ten minutes for Anna to realize how foolish it was to try to out-silence her sister. It was like trying to outrun caribou - something she would never do - but now she had been quiet long enough that she didn't want to fill the silence with nervous prattle. She wanted it to matter.
After all - there was no door between them now for Elsa to slam in her face. There was no where for either of them to run. They were in a sleigh in the middle of the woods, and Anna now understood the idea of a captive audience. This was her chance, but the first time Anna confronted her sister, Elsa had frozen the kingdom in eternal winter. The other time she had ended up with ice in her heart. Both of those times she had been fully clothed with no Kristoff in sight and Anna was quick enough to realize the difference between a captive audience and a trapped one.
It took Anna two hours of staring at her hands to gather the courage she needed, to find the perfect words, to start.
Deep breath and she was born ready for this-
"Elsa?"
The horses hooves crunched in the snow, and Elsa said nothing. Anna looked at her sister for the first time since they'd loaded into the sleigh and –
She was sleeping.
Elsa was asleep.
Her head lolled to the side and her shoulders slumped slightly, but she still managed to stay erect in the fast moving sleigh. Stately and refined even in sleep, and Anna felt the burden of her sister's perfection weigh down her shoulders.
Had the burden always been so heavy? She tried to remember. In the back of her mind Anna found the Before.
There was a shared room where the northern lights kept her up at night. She remembered sliding out of her bed and slipping under the covers with her sister to giggle and tease until they were both so tired they fell asleep in the same bed. She remembered fun. She remembered love.
Then her sister was gone, and the long nights alone in a room that was too big for one person. She remembered being scared, confused, and having to accept that questions with no answers were the reality of her life now.
But that was the Before, this was the After, and memories were just dreams of the past and Anna was learning just how few dreams came true.
Anna looked back at her hands in her lap, clenched and mitten clad, and exhaled. She supposed she could wait until her sister woke before she bothered her.
After all, it must be so difficult to be a queen.
o000o
There were exactly three things that Kristoff did well.
One: he harvested ice well.
Two: he took care of Sven well.
Three: he could hold his liquor well.
So when he finally made his way into the great hall of Hilde's inn and sat at the same table Anna had danced upon just two nights ago, he knew it would take some doing to get as drunk as he wanted to be. Thankfully he was up for the challenge.
o000o
The streets of Arendelle were inviting. The people were kind and happy. Children laughed and played while parents chatted with merchants. Craftsmen plied their trade and the harbor bustled with activity. No one paid much attention to the stranger as he made his way through their midst. A shipping town such as Arendelle saw many a passing traveler and took no issue with one more. The stranger appreciated this and took his time walking every street in anonymity.
He wanted to learn each cobble, every crack, this city had to offer. He wanted to know the shape of every building and where the baker put his children to bed. He wanted to know which pew the tailor sat in at church and how old the blacksmith's daughter was to the day. He wanted intimacy with this place and its people because it would make it that much sweeter when he painted it red with their blood.
o000o
It was well after dark, but Elsa (once she had woken) had said to keep going - so they kept going.
And going.
And going.
When they finally stopped it was close to the campsite where Kristoff and Anna had spent their first night. Anna was exhausted, but her chest tightened at the memory of a kiss. She wanted to tell Elsa about it. She wanted to make her understand what it felt like to be wrapped up in warmth and affection. She wanted to tell Elsa all the things she had built the courage to say earlier, but she couldn't.
Love may thaw, they'd covered that, but Anna wasn't sure Elsa really knew what love was. So she followed the example her sister had set for years in the Before, and stayed quiet.
She stayed quiet while the guards set up the camp and they sat in the sleigh. She stayed quiet when the guards helped her out of the sleigh. She stayed quiet when she climbed into the large tent she shared with her sister for the night. She stayed quiet and waited to hear Elsa's breathing even out.
She stayed quiet and cried herself to sleep.
o000o
He dreamed again. He was back in Elsa's ice palace, but he was alone this time. He couldn't find Anna anywhere even though he looked and looked. The moment he gave up was the moment she appeared. Anna stood at the top of a grand staircase. She was blank, expressionless, and that scared Kristoff more than not being able to find her.
"Anna!" He started for the stairs when Elsa emerged behind her sister.
The look in Elsa's eyes froze him in place.
"You cannot keep her safe."
He shouldn't have been able to hear her, the words barely more than a hiss, but he did. He heard it loud and clear. He heard it just as clear as he saw Elsa pull a dagger out of Anna's back, bright red and bloody, before she shoved her sister's lifeless body down the stairs.
o000o
Kristoff made it to the barn to retrieve Sven before the first light. He'd been awake for hours, unable to return to sleep after waking from his nightmare, and he needed a distraction. He needed a reason to think of something other than Anna and how she looked while she was dancing, while she was sleeping, while she was doing anything. He needed to move.
When he opened the barn door, Sven looked at him, and then behind him like he expected Anna to be close on his heels. When she didn't appear, Sven gave Kristoff a look that almost sent Kristoff back to Hilde's spiced wine.
"She's not coming with us, buddy." Kristoff pulled his tack off of the rack and tossed it over Sven's back.
Sven nudged Kristoff's arm with his nose.
Why?
Kristoff took a deep breath and tried to ignore his friend's question as he fastened his harness. Sven nudged him again.
Why?
And Kristoff knew that if he didn't answer this time, he would get a swift kick to the shins and he wasn't in the mood for that. So he tightened the strap under Sven's belly and said:
"Because she left, Sven, and I don't think she's coming back."
Sven blinked. He couldn't cry. Reindeers weren't built that way, but he could feel sadness just as deeply as any person. Kristoff couldnt cry either, but not because it was impossible. He couldn't cry because he never learned how.
Sven pressed his muzzle into his friend's palm, reaching out to comfort, for comfort, the line between the two was so thin. Kristoff rubbed Sven's face, understanding the gesture, appreciating it.
She didn't say goodbye to me.
Sven's voice held all the sadness that Kristoff could not bear to show.
"I know buddy. I know."
They didn't make it out of the stable till the sun was high in the sky.
o000o
Anna woke the next morning with a jolt. Kristoff was going to knock down the tent. She needed to get up and get out but Elsa stood in the doorway and – wait. What was Elsa doing in Kristoff's tent? And when had Kristoff's tent gotten so big?
Anna blinked and tried to shake the loose pieces of her brain back into order.
"Anna. You need to get up. It is time to go."
She'd heard those words before, but the voice was all wrong. The clothes she wore were all wrong. Everything was all wrong. Where was Kristoff and why did her arm hurt like that?
The pain brought a sudden wave of clarity. The past four days came crashing back and she squeezed her eyes shut to ward off the overload. Ice, sleigh, kiss, Kristoff, ice, Kristoff, kiss, Elsa… Elsa.
Elsa and her anger.
Elsa and her judgment.
Elsa and her silence.
She shook her head again and Anna remembered everything.
"Oh. Hi. Sorry. Yeah. Thanks for - uh - geez. How long have I been asleep?" Everything felt fuzzy when she swung her feet off the side of her cot.
Elsa didn't soften at her apology. If anything Anna thought her sister grew more rigid. If that was even possible. Anna wished it wasn't, but knew it was.
"It is time to go." Had Elsa even heard her? "We need to get back to Arendelle as soon as possible."
"Great." She stood and grabbed her bad arm. "So – so great." She felt the words form and fall out of her mouth, but they tasted all wrong. Elsa turned towards the flap of the tent and Anna couldn't stand it anymore.
"No. You know what? Not great, Elsa." Anna spat out the words before her courage slipped from her. "Not great at all. Opposite of great – the worst."
Elsa stopped and looked back at her sister. Anna noticed the gloves Elsa wore and they were as familiar as they were unwelcome.
"Excuse me?" Thin eyebrows knit together and Anna felt her courage melt out of her feet the second her sister looked at her, but she couldn't stop.
"This is the worst, Elsa. All of this." She pulled her arm in tighter to her side. "Why won't you talk to me?"
"This isn't the time for this, Anna." Elsa's voice held an exhausted note that pricked Anna like a needle.
"I just want to explain. You chased me up a mountain, but you won't even hear me tell you why I went up that mountain." Anna stepped towards her sister.
"I don't want an explanation-"
"But I want to explain! I want to talk to my sister!" Anna felt panic build in her chest. "What I want counts for something, too."
An arctic chill took the air and something in the back of Anna's mind told her to slow down, backup, shut up, but she wouldn't.
"You are a princess, Anna. You have rank and responsibility." Elsa said. "What you want has little weight."
"What about what you want?" Anna saw her sister pull back to leave. She moved faster than she ever had, blocking Elsa's exit, because this was not over. "Why can't you just trust me for once?"
For a split second there was a battle on Elsa's features, an instant of indecision, something human, and Anna clung to it.
"You never take one moment to think of the consequences of your actions and you expect me to trust you?"
"The only thing I have had time to do for the last fourteen years is think, Elsa. You know what I want to do now? I want to live. I want to be happy. I want you to be happy. Can't you understand that?"
The look on Elsa's face told Anna that she couldn't.
"I've entertained the idea of this iceman for your sake. I even created a title for him to make your attachment more palatable,"
That's not a thing.
Of course it is. Memories burn.
"But I never thought you would go carousing through the wilderness with a low -"
"His name is Kristoff." Anger so hot her tears boil as they hit her eyes.
"He is common -"
"He saved my life!"
"It wouldn't have needed saving if you had remained in Arendelle."
"It wouldn't have needed saving if you had just opened your door!"
It wasn't aimed to hurt, but frost crawled across canvas walls, and Anna regretted it even if it was the truth.
"We leave. Now." Elsa's voice was hard, low, and even though she just woke Anna felt so very tired. "If you'll excuse me."
Elsa pressed past Anna into the world outside leaving her sister cold, alone, and devastated.
o000o
They were half way to Lake Limingen. Sven had given up trying to talk to his sullen companion, and Kristoff had given up on trying to make his furry best friend feel any better than miserable. They'd known each other long enough to know when the other needed space even if the only thing both of them wanted was a strange redhead to invade that space right now.
Sven smelled it before Kristoff, and Kristoff smelled it before he saw it. The tang of death pierced the air and Kristoff looked up and saw a crow circling above the bare branches. He watched the bird swoop and dive down to join the rest of his brothers feasting on the carrion atop of the snow. What had Anna said a group of crows were called? Then it struck him as he watched the group rip into the animal's carcass and come up with beaks full of foul meat.
A murder. Anna's soft lips had curled around the words like a curse. He tried to ignore the chill that shot down his spine at the memory.
Anna called it a murder.
o000o
Her tongue felt thick. She hadn't said a word since Elsa had left her nailed to the ground a few hours before and the silence festered inside of her. She needed her sister, even if her sister didn't need her. That was why she wrestled her pack open with her one good arm.
"I brought some books." Anna said and felt a thousand words she never said swell up out of her. " I used to read them to you through your door." She pulled out a worn volume. "I know you've heard them a million times, but I never get tired of them. I could read them every day and still want to read them again."
"That's nice." Elsa spoke, but still somehow offered nothing.
Anna thought back to hours, days, and years of silence on the other side of a door and wondered at how speech and wordlessness could be the same thing. She thought of firesides and Kristoff and how she'd seen secrets light his eyes after she'd read out loud to him. She thought of love and passion and warmth and the things the words on these pages made her feel in ways the world around her had failed to. Anna thought of childish hope and clung to it.
"I could read it out loud now, like I used to, if you want. I don't mind." Anna reminded herself to breathe, and she looked at her sister's stern profile.
"I do not much care for poetry." Elsa didn't even bother to cast a glance in her sister's direction.
"Oh. I see. That's fine." Anna felt heat flood her cheeks with embarrassment and then anger at her shame. Why had she ever thought that this was a good idea? There was too much time, too much damage.
"It was a silly idea anyway."
A moment passed and Elsa sighed. Anna looked at her to see her sister looking back – and that was new.
"But if you wish to read aloud, I think it could be nice."
"Really?" Hope so raw it hurt.
"Really."
A bit of ice melted.
o000o
The sleigh was right where he left it. He even found the damn pickax he'd thrown away into the snow when he had saved - his thoughts veered away - already trained to not entertain his obsession. There was enough daylight left that he could get a decent crop of ice if he set his mind to it, but first he'd take stock. He went back to the sleigh, ignoring the cracked ice that had swallowed him whole, and made sure everything was how he left it.
It was, but there in the snow by the sleigh was a stray scrap of brown. He reached and picked up one of the books Anna had brought with them on this fool's errand. The snow encrusted pages would no doubt ruin as the snow melted, but for now all they did was remind him of everything he couldn't have.
He clutched the volume in too large hands and wished for the luxury of grief.
o000o
He saw the procession to the castle along with several other town folk. He saw the two young women in the sleigh and knew in an instant which one was the one he'd waited to meet. Hair as white as his and she radiated with untapped potential.
The stranger thought of death and smiled.
o000o
"Find the doctor. Have him tend to Princess Anna's arm."
Elsa gave commands as the beleaguered group pulled through ceremoniously open gates. Soldiers and servants plagued the sleigh, all with two dozen questions about what else was to be done, but Elsa had no answers for them. All she saw was a sea of faces, faces with names she should know but didn't, and she had nothing for them.
She had nothing.
o000o
Returning to the library was odd because it had been four days since she'd heard Olaf detail her sister's questionable decision making but little had changed. The desk, her father's father, her father's, now hers - stared at her in silent resignation. There were new papers piled on top of the ones she'd left behind on her quest and Elsa felt old. Would there ever be a time where she didn't feel like she was drowning?
There was a knock on the door and it startled her. She'd only been here a matter of minutes and already the demands on her time began. She just wanted to go to bed.
"Come in." She said instead, and the door opened. Would she ever get used to that?
It was her captain, the one who had accompanied her up the mountain, and she really should know his name.
He bowed, "Your Majesty."
She nodded.
"The physician is on his way to see Princess Anna now. How would you like my guardsmen to proceed?" He asked and Elsa understood what he was really asking.
How much babysitting would her sister require to guarantee that this mess never happened again?
After all, there were only so many times they could charge into the mountains after the princess.
"Do what you must to make sure Princess Anna is secure." She said, but knew that it was as impossible a task as she could request. Her sister didn't sit still. "Report anything unusual to me immediately."
The captain nodded: "Certainly, Your Highness."
He bowed and turned to the door.
"Did I do the right thing?" She asked before he could make his exit, before she could stop herself. "Did I do the right thing for my sister – for Arendelle?" Her gloved fingernails caught on the ornate back of the settee.
The captain turned and gave her a look of both honesty and responsibility.
"I don't think you are capable of doing any less, Your Highness." He stood at door and Elsa wondered what it was like to have people stay in a room with her because they wanted to instead of because they were obliged to.
"I'm sorry." She looked down, but then forced herself to return his gaze. Queens didn't look down. Queens didn't hide. "I've spoken out of turn. It is not your place to be burdened with such concerns."
The captain's face flickered with something soft, but it was gone as soon as it came.
"You are a burden worth bearing, My Queen."
She felt his sincerity like a punch to the gut and she wanted… she didn't know what she wanted. All she knew was there was an emptiness gnawing a hole in her chest but she nodded in acceptance that this emptiness was her lot in life.
"Thank you, Captain." She knew the temperature of the room was dropping, and she needed to be alone like she knew best. "Please don't let me detain you from your duties any longer."
The captain - what was his name - looked like he may say something. The firm line of his jaw flexed like he was holding back something he needed to say, but then he bowed at the waist.
"Of course, Your Majesty." He said, and then he was gone.
It wasn't until the door shut that she allowed the snow to fall.
o000o
A/N: An update at five in the morning? What? Oh – right – bartender.
ALL THE ANGST! This is the second part of a MASSIVE chapter that I chopped into sections because it was so effing long, so this section just came down on the super heavy side. The rougher the road, the sweeter the reward though, right? Don't hate me too much. There will be a payoff.
I hope that this quicker update makes up for my last super tardy update (oh my gosh I am still so embarrassed) and that it finds you all well and happy.
Things are not all worked out in my personal life just yet, but they are not getting worse, so I'll take it. Thank you all for your condolences. You are the best.
As always, a MILLION thanks all those favorite-ing and following this story. A BILLION thanks to those who have left reviews (especially you anon/guest/people with PM disabled reviewers that I cannot thank individually). You make this story worth writing.
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