A/N: Too much homework to get everything done! I am so, so sorry, but here's the next chap. The editing might be a bit shaky because I didn't have much time, but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyways. Thanks to everyone who reviewed. You guys are wonderful. It's time for a brief break from Catherine's thoughts. Here comes actual information directly from the brain of Cerena Chlamydia. I owe an obvious debt to "The Very Secret Diaries". Also, Pippin is inappropriate and Evelyn throws the Fellowship a curveball.

Chapter Seven: Ruminations from the desk (or conveniently flat piece of rock on which to write on) of Cerena Chandelier Chlamydia, first of her name.

Found diary in pretty, pretty room. Diary not so pretty. Not pink or sparkly, like old one from home, and no lock to keep Evvie out. She always tries to read my diaries. Writing without gel pen most difficult for my delicate, long fingered hands. Though not so delicate anymore, as nail polish v. chipped. Lord Elronny called us to his office today. And by us I mean, like, the company. He said we're leaving tomorrow. Frodo looked really scared, and so did Kitty, but Evvie got all squealy and jumpy and said that if Mordor was hot she would bring her bikini and how could Leggy resist her then?

Kitty said, "We're not going to have enough drinking water, let alone water to swim in. What, do you think Sauron sets up convenient spas all around Mordor for his minions' benefit?"

I hate to go against Evvie, who sometimes tries to scratch my skin off if I disagree with her, but I think Kitty might have a point. Lord Elronny also said:

"Take this night to have what last comforts you can, as they will be few and far between on the road."

I tried to sit with Evvie but she was busy singing to Leggy Weggy. I tried to go sit with Kitty and Frodo and those other hobbits instead, and that was a little better, I guess. They didn't really talk to me, and Kitty was real quiet and scared looking, but she asked how I was. I said I didn't really know. She nodded, and Frodo smiled at me. He's, like, really adorable, but also half my height, which could bring up some problems. And the whole Ring of Doom thing is kinda unsexy too.

I guess the height might have it's, like, advantages tho? Tee hee!

Ew. That was, like, something Evvie might say. I just grossed myself out. Won't look at Frodo for a few days, at least. I'm kinda scared myself, even though my martial arts skills are, like, invincible. What if I actually break a nail on this quest? Or, like, die. Whichever one's worse.

Kitty was happy at breakfast today. She sat down next to me and said "Guess who no longer has eyes that shine with the viridian sparkles of, like, the prettiest emeralds ever?" Leggy smiled and said, "Who, Lady Catherine?" and she smiled back at him and said "Me! They're just plain, muddy, swampy brown. Thank God for small favors." Evvie's eye started to twitch and she started to say something mean but I kicked her and pretended like I didn't know her leg was there. Like I couldn't. Nobody else wears boots like that here. Except for, like, me. And even my feet are starting to get tired of being improperly supported all the time.

What does viridian mean, anyway? It sounds like one of those sex diseases. Anyway, Evvie was doing that thing where she takes really small bites and looks around like she wants someone to ask her why she's eating so little so she can say, like, "because I am maintaining my slender, flower-stem physique" or something. She glared at me when I tried to eat some bread but Kitty smiled at me and said,

"You should eat if you want to, Cerena. We're not gonna have food this good for a long time." I think she means it's going to be awhile before we arrive in that Loth L'Oreal place.

Kitty's kinda nice sometimes. Actually, she's nice most of the time, just not to Evvie.

Anyway, Evvie made me carry her suitcases for her and when I asked why they were so heavy she got all huffy and said she should have just packed all of her stuff in my head because there was plenty of empty space in there.

Evvie's kinda a bitch.

We've left! Yay! Well, I guess its yay. No one else looks that happy about leaving and I get it because Rivendell is really pretty and nice. Lord Elronny said this thing about the blessings of all free folk going with us and a really pretty elf lady started crying and Gornie looked at her. She was, like, the sort of pretty people write famous love songs about. Or become the king of that Gondie place for. I asked Kitty if that was Arwen and she said yes. I said,

"I guess I understand why Gornie's, like, in love with her then." Kitty asked me what made me understand, and I said that she was really pretty but it made her look sadder and sad people are often smart, 'cause thinking about things can make you sad (also tired) and why wouldn't Gornie love her if she was smart and pretty? Kitty looked kind of surprised and said she thought that sounded weirdly astute.

I'm not astute! I'm not short and fat, like that one dwarf Leggy doesn't like. Kitty shook her head and said "Astute, not stout, silly." She kinda laughed, but it didn't feel mean the way it does when Evvie laughs.

We're out of Rivendell now, and there's lots of grass and dirt, like, everywhere. They should a hire a landscaper like my daddy did before I left. My opalescent hair is super, super pretty, but I kinda wish I had something easier to keep nice. White just shows all the dust and gross stuff. No one's really talking to me, but at least they aren't glaring at me like they used to. They're looking at Evvie kinda meanly, but that's only because she keeps insulting the dwarf and told Sam his cooking had too many calories and that his bacon was greasier than Kitty's hair.

Kitty said, "At least it's not cold. Unlike your soul." Sam smiled but Evvie got really huffy and asked Kitty if it was that time of month. Kitty just said,

"We can't all have magical ovaries that bleed sparkles and perfume like you, Evelyn," which made Evvie be quiet and got everyone else get flustered. Then Evvie said, "If you get any hairier when we're on the road, Kitty, you may be mistaken for a bear, so I guess it's a good thing there aren't guns in Middle-earth. It would be a shame if anyone were to shoot you." Kitty got all angry looking but stayed quiet.

I told Sam thought his cooking was super yummy and he said, "Thank you, Miss Cerena" and Frodo smiled at me. That was nice, and not just because Frodo's, like, adorable.

But then Evvie got all huffy and told me to brush her hair to keep it shining like a river of oil and I didn't want her to try and pull mine out again if I said no so I did it but said sorry to Kitty first. She was talking to Leggy so I don't think she really missed me. She's trying to explain how house elves are different from the hot, hot kind.

If anyone's hair looks greasy, it's Evvie's. But I probably shouldn't write that, since she'll probably steal my diary.

Walking, walking, walking. V. boring and my feet hurt. Wish I had listened when Kitty told me my favorite heels weren't good for going on quests. I think my feet are bleeding. At least blood makes shoes v. sparkly. Pippin (I remembered more names!) asked me if I was okay when I stumbled on another dirty old rock and I said yes but he told Gornie I was hurt anyways and Gornie bandaged my feet and gave me an extra pair of boots. They're too big for me and my feet keep sliding around and Kitty offered to lend me the extra pair she packed but her feet are, like, bigger than Gornie's. It's nice that they care though.

Evvie tried to dance for Legolas during dinner and tripped (Kitty started whistling when it happened) and almost lit her hair on fire, but Gornie didn't try to heal her. I think he was still kinda in shock from the type of dancing Evvie was doing. Kitty's eye kept twitching when she started twerking.

Evvie took a nap while we ate (I think she's tired from not eating much) and started drooling in her sleep again and mumbling about licking her Elvish studmuffin and Leggy got real scared. Kitty said to watch out before she tried to lick his face in her sleep and Pippin said kinda quietly,

"I think she'd rather lick something else."

Kitty laughed so hard her soup came out of her nose, and Leggy started laughing too even though Kitty kept saying it really hurt and he shouldn't laugh at her pain. Sam kept going "Mr. Pippin, you ought to know better," and Frodo was kinda grinning while trying to scold him. It was nice. He usually looks so sad.

I wish I could make him, like, happier. Not just 'cause he's adorable. It was such a nice night. We were all friends.

I forget what day it is. Been walking too long to have, like, a concept of time. Plus, I took the longest shift last night so I'm v. tired and everything is a bit fuzzy. I think my perfect eyesight might be going. But it was worth it. When I took over from Gimli (I learned his name!) he said,

"Thank you, lass. Make sure you get at least a nap in so you're ready to walk tomorrow," and clapped me on the shoulder. It wasn't, like, a delicate touch of pure romance like Evvie's always going on about, but it made me happy anyways. I miss being hugged and stuff by my friends back at home. Evvie said there wouldn't be anything to miss in Middle-earth because we'd be too busy hooking up with hot, hot elves, but I think she was lying.

Anyway, today we climbed over big, big rocks. Kitty kept stumbling and almost twisted her ankle and the ginger man Evvie says is evil offered to help her. Kitty said she was fine, and Leggy was all,

"Hush, Catherine, and let Boromir assist you. You will only hinder us if you end up injured."

Kitty blushed and let him help her up the biggest rocks but mumbled something about how she was going to turn into a Mary Sue twice as fast if she kept letting handsome men assist her right and left. Boromir smiled and Merry asked who Mary Sue is and why she shared his name.

"Don't worry, it's not even spelled the same. They—well, I'm not going to name names because that's not really fair—but they usually are perfect in every conceivable way. So perfect they are actually kind of loathsome, and everything comes to them easily, especially relationships. They fall in love with every good-looking person they meet and expect to be loved back, usually instantly and without any genuine basis for a romance. They also screw things up by trying to be perfect and irresistible."

"And they are from your world?" That was Pippin. He's nice to me. Sometimes he says "good morning" and asks me how I am and we eat together.

"Yes, generally, though they often seek out environments where the percentages of handsome men and potential heroic moments are higher. This company is pretty much an ideal breeding ground for the Mary Sue."

They all looked at Evvie, who was waving around her sword again and singing. Maybe she shouldn't sing. Gornie says we have to be careful to not alert anyone to our presence. Even though they didn't really look at me, I felt bad. Evvie is definitely a Mary Sue, and I think I am too. Maybe that's why they don't like us.

"You fear becoming one," said Leggy, and gave Kitty one of those elfy looks. Like he knew everything she was thinking.

"Well, yes. Not that I'm perfect, and I have no desire to be. Perfect isn't very interesting. I think learning someone's weaknesses is the best way to become real friends. You have to know their faults to appreciate their strengths, right? If you have none, you're just going to end up flat. Boring. I don't want that."

Kitty got quiet and I was too because I was trying to think if I have weaknesses. I know Evvie doesn't think she does. Or she thinks her weaknesses are actually good. Like, she thinks her meanness is just being blunt or clever, but it actually hurts. I think I have weaknesses. I know I'm not very smart. People roll their eyes at me a lot.

"And why do you think you are in danger of becoming one?" Frodo asked.

"My appearance did change a lot when I arrived, but it's starting to go back to normal. At least I no longer have the proportions of a Barbie doll. And I've obviously made mistakes while I've been here. What worries me the most is that you're all just…well, you've been so nice to me. It's hard to imagine a gorgeous elf who's seen more in one lifetime than three generations of my family combined could ever want to talk to me. I'm only twenty-three, and I'm not really anything special."

Kitty looked at her feet and Leggy looked like he thought she was funny. Like, interesting type funny. He just kinda said "Catherine", in that elfy way of his and Kitty turned a little red.

"We are kind to you because you are our friend, Catherine," Frodo said, like he was talking to someone small who needed help understanding things. I've heard him use the same voice with Pippin, sometimes, when he says something clueless and Gandalf calls him a Fool of Took. Kitty just shrugged and looked uncomfortable. Then Pippin said that if Kitty was gonna fall madly in love with anyone in the company, it would be him, as he was the only handsome and intelligent member and Merry punched him on the shoulder and said "in your dreams." Kitty laughed.

I guess they actually care about cheering her up. Frodo said she's their friend, and I think he meant it. I wish they wanted to cheer me up. Not that I need cheering, but I miss my old friends, and I haven't really made any new ones yet, except Kitty. Maybe she'd just nice to me 'cause she's afraid I'm gonna help Evvie, like, take over the world. I don't even know how to be friends with the Fellowship. They're all so serious. It's hard to know what to say.

Maybe I'll walk with Evvie tomorrow. She always has ideas.

Walked with Evvie today. Her hair still smells like mangos even though Lord Elronny told us not to bring anything frivolous and I think her mango-coconut body spray counts as frivolous. Poor Bill the Pony has enough to carry. I'm okay with being gross and greasy and looking like death so long as it means more room for important things. Well, mostly. I'd really like a bath. With bubbles. Pink ones, obvs.

I tried to ask Evvie how we were gonna make friends but she just got mad at me and said that as long as we kept being beautifuler than everyone else and showed off our awesome skills things would work out. Then she called after Leggy and said,

"Oh Leggy-chan, do you want me to cook you something special tonight? My cooking is legendary and certainly better than what we've been eating so far. I could even cut your food into little heart shapes to show how much I love you, sweetie."

Leggy tried to smile and say no nicely but just looked like he tasted something really bad. Sam got angry and Frodo told him that his cooking could put the best of the free peoples to shame and that he should just ignore her. It's sweet, the way they always lift each other up. I wish they'd do it for me.

I told Evvie that I didn't think being prettier and awesomer than everyone was working and she just said,

"Fine, then you can go over there with Kitty and you both can be walking warning for everything that's hygienically wrong with camping," and followed after Leggy.

Maybe I shouldn't call him Leggy anymore. Kitty only ever calls him Legolas and he doesn't, like, run away when he sees her coming. Actually, Kitty usually calls him Your Highness and also calls Boromir, Aragorn, and Gimli My Lord or Sire. I think she'd call the hobbits Sir if she weren't friends with them. It's like she's a little scared of everyone except me, since I'm just Cerena. I guess since I'm not their friend, it's okay for me to do it.

Update: Sam made stew for dinner again and I said thank you sir instead of just thank you when he gave me my portion. He turned pinkish (but not sparkly) and said,

"There's no need to be callin' me sir now, miss."

"Yeah, but you're, like, doing us a favor by making good food for us and I wanted to show that I appreciate it." Sam mumbled thank you and Frodo smiled at me and said,

"That's kind of you, Cerena." I felt so happy I wanted to sing. But I don't really know any appropriate songs for the feeling. It was like I actually didn't want to sing a song about shaking my hips and stuff. Weird.

Also, I asked Aragorn why the ground was getting so rocky and tried calling him My Lord and he didn't roll his eyes. He said,

"We are approaching the ruins of Eregion, milady, known as Hollin in the common speech. The terrain will only become rockier, I fear, as we approach the Misty Mountains."

I went to sit next to Kitty who was trying to figure out which constellations are the same here and in Middle-earth with Pippin. The stars were really pretty. I thought I'd, like, miss my computer and electricity and stuff but the stars are so much brighter here. I asked Kitty why and she said it was because there wasn't light pollution. Then she said,

"I heard you talking to Aragorn earlier. I don't think I've heard you call anyone except Lord Elrond 'Lord'," and she looked curious so I decided to tell her.

"Well, I, like, asked Evvie why no one wanted to be friends with me yet and she said we needed to keep being, like, prettier and awesomer than everyone but that seemed wrong to me. Like, didn't you say being perfect was boring? But you have friends, Kitty, even though you aren't super beautiful and you get all weird about Mary Sues and stuff and you're usually respectful to everyone so I thought I'd see if that, like, makes a difference."

"Ah. And have you drawn any conclusions?" Kitty asked, and she actually looked interested.

"I don't know if everyone still thinks I'm annoying, and, like, stupid, but it feels nice to call them by titles. They've done, like, so much, and it's nice acknow—acknowled—"

"Acknowledging their accomplishments?" Kitty said, and even though she was kinda correcting me it didn't feel like she was being mean. More like she was agreeing with me.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now. We have to pick up pace tomorrow to reach Eregion. It's still winter and it's getting colder out the higher up we get and Aragorn is getting anxious about the weather. I'll be up for watch in around four hours, I think.

We reached Eregion today! The ruins are really beautiful, and I think these are the whitest rocks I've ever seen, only they don't look fake, like the marble counters in my old house did. At the same time it's kinda sad, 'cause the rocks are abandoned and they are so beautiful and old and it doesn't seem, like, fair that no one gets to see them anymore. I'm glad I'm, like, seeing them. I heard Legolas asking Kitty if her history books talked about Eregion at all and she said,

"A little. But I'm afraid I didn't do a very good job of paying attention. I'd like to hear more." And because the hobbits looked curious too Legolas sat with us while Sam was preparing our midday meal (we get hot food today because the rocks provide shelter from prying eyes, according to Aragorn) and told us about it:

"Well, as you probably know, Catherine, it was a colony of the Ñoldorim first, ruled by Galadriel—"

"But I thought Galadriel was in Loth L'Oreal," I said and Legolas didn't get mad at me for interrupting like Evvie does when I interrupt her.

"Lothlorién is Galadriel's second home. The elves under her rule took much the same road as we are on now, crossing the Misty Mountains to develop their new kingdom. In fact, if I am not mistaken, Gandalf plans on visiting the Golden Wood for a time before we continue up the Anduin."

"This is where Sauron forged the nine and seven too, right?" Kitty asked quietly, and Frodo looked away and Sam gave Kitty a scolding look. I guess he doesn't want to talk about the Ring. I guess if I was the one with the evil jewelry, I wouldn't wanna talk about it either. I tried to smile at him so he'd know I, like, understand, and he nodded at me. I wish I could make it easier. I'd hug him or something but he's, like, afraid of me. He jumps a little whenever he sees me.

"Yes, though in those days we knew him only as Annatar, lord of gifts, though he was not unanimously trusted. Thus Celebrimbor forged the three in secret here in these ruins."

Legolas put a hand on the stone like he could feel all the memories it had in it. I think it's an elfy thing. Then Boromir asked Merry and Pippin if they wanted to spar and Gandalf and Gimli started arguing about Moria. I wish we didn't have to go up the stupid mountain at all. Is there even any point to freezing to death if we just end up going through the mines anyway? But I guess Kitty would say, it's, like, too dangerous to change anything. Then Legolas looked around and asked,

"Say, where is Lady Evelyn? I have not seen her since our arrival."

"Last I saw she was flouncing about in something aggressively pink and serenading the poor passing wildlife," Kitty said, though she looked worried. "Same old, same old."

"Her absence unsettles me. It is not that I do not trust her, it is just that I…"

"Do not trust her," Kitty finished. But we forgot all about Evvie when those birds came and we all had to hide. I ended up with the hobbits which was nice because Frodo, like, smiled at me and told me to duck so I wouldn't bump my head. Maybe they don't hate me now. When the birds had, like, passed, we all got out and Aragorn started doing that thing where he fingers his sword and looks around all grim-like and Evelyn came out from the nearby trees with one of her bags.

"Lady Evelyn, where were you, and why did you not inform us where you were headed? Spies of Saruman arrived while you were unaccounted for. You may have risked the entire Quest because you saw fit to wander," said Gandalf, and I think I would have peed if he had been looking at me like that. But Evvie is really good at not being scared. She looked kinda shifty though.

"Forgive me," she said, and she didn't even try to say anything lovey to Legolas. "I was merely relieving myself."

Kitty looked really doubtful at that.

"Mary Sues don't pee."

"Forgive me for not harvesting proof for you. Everyone pees, Kitty dear."

"You don't even bleed normally, and that's the most basic human function there is, and I have never once seen you sweat either, even when you're carrying around a sword three times your body weight. Sorry if I don't believe you can do anything as gross as pee."

"Ugh, would you like me to collect you a sample? Just because I'm not as obvious about squatting behind bushes as you are doesn't mean—"

"Ladies," said Boromir in a calm-down-you-silly-children voice. "Please. I doubt it matters now, anyway. If Lady Evelyn was seen, she was seen."

"And she is back now, in any case. We need to move on from this spot," said Aragorn. "The shadow from the crebain may have passed, but my heart is not eased. They will be back, and we may not be as lucky as to avoid being seen a second time. If we were lucky at all this time around."

Everyone looked at Evvie, but she actually had one of those weird looks she gets when she's planning something.

"Actually, before we go, I'd like to say a few words."

"Legolas is well aware of your, ahem, feelings for him, Evelyn."

I don't think Legolas needed a reminder, but Evvie didn't start trying to stroke his hair or kiss him or anything, and he relaxed a little.

"No, actually, this isn't about Legolas. I want to apologize. To you first, Kitty, and then to the rest of the Fellowship."

Well, I really didn't see that one coming. Not that I, like, see much coming. My eyes are pretty, but they aren't very good at, like, seeing. Oh well.

Good, bad, horrible, worst thing ever? Please, let me know! Nothing makes me want to keep on writing like feedback. Again, sorry about the lateness. Art History is keeping me pretty busy I hope you enjoyed, and please review.