Thank you again to my loyal readers and my new ones! I love hearing your thoughts, so keep them coming! Both Jasper and Bella get a little vulnerable in this chapter, and Jasper finally breaks out our favorite term of endearment. I hope you enjoy!
~~~~ Now, onto the chapter:
"I have to go," Jasper choked out as he released me and retreated through the crowd. He managed to keep his speed at human level, but only barely.
The band continued to play without interruption, but the perfect couples that had surrounded us now froze to turn and stare at me. I pushed them aside and fetched my purse from our table before tailing Jasper out of the store.
I found him next to his truck, his hands pressed against the hood and his shoulders hunched. I stopped a few cars short of him. I didn't know if my presence would help him or just send him farther over the edge of desire. I whispered his name, knowing he would hear it.
"Stay back, Bella," he said breathlessly.
"How can I help?" I asked.
"Just...just give me a minute, Darlin', please," he said without looking up.
Darlin'? He was clearly trying to personify me so he would feel less like eating me. But if that was the case, why did the word rolling off of his lips make my heart skip a beat?
We stood in silence for long minutes, the sounds of the city echoing between the buildings surround the parking lot. He faced the truck frozen, like a statue faintly glowing in the night. I watched him nervously.
"Why don't you run?" he asked quietly, his face still turned away from me. "You know what I wanted to do to you and every other human in that place."
"You're wrong," I said as I took a small step forward. "Your body was thirsty. I know that you could take my life even before I finish this sentence, but I also know that you don't want to. I know you are strong enough, Jasper."
He looked up then, and his eyes met mine. They were brighter than before, proof that he had at least temporarily kept his demons at bay, but just as captivating. I crept forward as he stood up and faced me, his face unreadable.
"You believe that, don't you? You believe that I wouldn't hurt you," he said evenly.
"You said that you were sorry, and I believed you. You said you were getting better with your 'people skills' and I believed you. Have you lied to me, Jasper?"
"No," he said as he closed the gap between us. "I will never lie to you, Bella."
He was within reach now, having met me half way. I wanted to take him into my arms and hug away the pain and failure in his eyes, but I didn't dare make the first move. I didn't want to push Jasper any more than I wanted him to push me.
He reached out cautiously and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. "You've just now made me feel more human than I've felt in nearly one and a half centuries," he whispered as he stared deep into my eyes.
I felt drawn to him, like he had his own gravity that pulled me closer. I forgot that he was the adopted brother of the vampire that had broken my heart just a couple months before, and just saw him as the gentle man standing before me. He was radiant; the moonlight dancing in his soft eyes and the barely discernible illumination of his skin.
"Do you want to go back inside?" he asked, snapping me out of my trance.
I shook my head. I knew he was asking to be polite, but I didn't want to test him any further for the night. He had already fought back against his blood lust once, and even though he was victorious I could tell that the battle had taken it's toll.
"Let's get in the truck," he said. "You're cold."
We drove back to Forks mostly in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. I was lost in thought, and I'm sure he was as well. I was feeling...I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I wanted to spend more time with Jasper, but he needed to start answering some questions rather than creating more.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said on cue.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
He glanced over at me with a look of amusement. "I wouldn't ask if I wasn't sure," he said.
I reached into my purse and brought out the yellow envelope. I placed it gently on the seat between us. "Here are some of my thoughts."
"What do you think about it?" he asked carefully.
"I don't know what to think about it," I said. "Why did you do this?"
He turned back to the road and let out a soft sigh. "It's complicated, Bella," he said. "I disagree with Edward's actions concerning you. All of them. And yet, if I hadn't...if I had control, then you may have been spared...all of what you experienced. Edward may have told you that he could make it so that you would forget that he ever existed, but he lives in a fantasy. The reality of your situation weighs on me, Bella."
"Then why didn't you just call my house? Why mail something to me every day?"
"As I said before, I didn't plan to approach you at all. If you hadn't drove to that coffee shop on that night, you would still have no idea that I am staying nearby," he said. "I didn't want to complicate your life any further, but I wanted you to know that you were thought of fondly."
I mulled his answer over in my mind as his truck approached Charlie's house. "What do you mean by 'all of' his actions?"
He pulled up in front of the house and killed the engine. "Do you plan to see or speak to me after tonight?" he asked quietly.
"What do I have to answer to get the truth?" I asked indignantly.
"I will tell you the truth regardless of your answer. I told you tonight that I will never lie to you, and I meant it," he said firmly. "Your answer will determine how much I need to tell you tonight."
"I'd like to see you again," I said honestly.
"Vampires have existed for almost as many years as humans have, and yet humans believe that we are nothing more than a scary story. Do you know why that is?"
I shook my head briefly before he continued, "Vampires are secretive because it is imperative for survival. When Edward gave you the knowledge of our world, he made you a part of it. Instead of protecting you or turning you, he left you the second he felt overwhelmed by his responsibility. All of it was selfish, gratifying his desire of the moment and not thinking of the repercussions. Your repercussions. He cared about you, Bella, but not nearly as much as he cared for himself."
I didn't realize that I had started to cry again until I felt the tears fall onto my bare hands. His words cut through me, perhaps because even if I didn't want to believe him...I did. It was so easy to blame myself and my human shortcomings, but Edward made his choices. He knew what I was before he approached me. If moving away was so easy for him, why didn't he do it the day that he had to sit next to me in Biology?
"I'm sorry," Jasper whispered as he gingerly stretched his hand toward my face to wipe away my tears. "I'm so sorry. Please don't cry, Darlin'. I shouldn't have been so harsh."
"No," I said as I pawed away the wet streaks running down my cheeks. "You don't have anything to be sorry about. Maybe I needed to hear that."
"Can I help you?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I need to deal with this. If you take the pain away, it just means that it will last longer."
"You're right," he said softly. He lowered his hand to cover mine and waited for me to compose myself, not unlike the way I had waited for him in the parking lot earlier in the evening.
"I'm sorry," I said as the tears waned.
"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry about," he said soothingly. "May I walk you to the door?"
I nodded and reached for the envelope to stuff it back into my purse.
"Do you want me to stop?" he asked as he nodded toward it.
"Do you want to stop?" I asked.
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," he said, "but I don't really want to stop."
"Then keep doing it until you're ready," I said. "And if I want it to stop first, I'll let you know. Deal?"
"Deal," he said with a smile.