This section is a lot of fun, the companions love making Fenris uncomfortable. I especially enjoyed writing this because Isabela and Merrill are amazing. I hope you enjoy!

(5) Bloomingtide 2nd

Why did I ever think it was a good idea to come down here? I grumble to myself.

This morning, I woke up early, wanting to do something but not feeling like disturbing Hawke. And especially not wanting to have to talk to her family. So, I decide to venture into the Elven Alienage. I was hopeful that I could track down some of the thugs that make the place so perilous to its inhabitance. What I found was much worse.

"Fenris! Are you listening to me at all?" Merrill chimes. "Okay then, I'll tell it again, just in case you weren't listening. You see, yesterday I saw someone get mugged! It was fascinating! No one has mugged me yet… Do you think they don't like me? Fenris, have you been mugged since you've been here?"

"No Merrill. I haven't been mugged." I say through gritted teeth. Why won't she quit following me? I pick up my pace as I head out of the Alienage, but she hops along after me.

"I'm sorry… Oh! I have an idea!" Her eyes grow even larger than they normally are. "We could mug each other!"

I turn and face her. "Do you hear yourself when you speak?"

She looks puzzled. "Well, yes. Kind of. But not the same way I hear you, it's different. Doesn't everybody?"

I roll my eyes and resume walking. "Never mind."

"You don't talk very much Fenris. Do you talk more to everyone else? I know you don't like that I'm a blood mage, but you can still talk to me you know. I still like you." She smiles brightly.

"I talk to Hawke." I tell her. "Shouldn't you be getting back home?"

"Nope. I'd much rather come with you." She catches up to walk in step beside me. "You do always sit next to Hawke, and do what she says, and follow her around, and look at her when she's not looking. Are you and Hawke a couple?"

My ears burn red. I try to hide how uncomfortable I am. "What?!" How do I even answer that? Are we actually a couple? Is anyone supposed to know about it? I don't always do what she says… She just happens to sometimes say reasonable things, and I go along with them…

"You know. Like what Isabela does, but with only Hawke, and you love each other. I'm explaining this poorly… But you know what I mean." Merrill looks at me expectantly.

"Merrill." I growl and glare at her. She has no right to ask me this. And I have no answer.

"Please tell me? Hawke's so beautiful, I can't imagine why you wouldn't love her. She talks about you all the time. I just wanna know." She clasps her hands together beseeching me. "Anders asked me if I knew, and I told him to go ask Isabela, but I don't really think she knows either."

I stop walking. "Why did Anders ask you that?"

"Didn't you know? He's in love with Hawke too!" Merrill gushes.

That bottom feeding abomination! I ball my fingers up into fists, appalled at the thought of his hands all over Hawke. Of course he is! I bet he's thinking about her right now! Well, he can't have her. My rage rises, bringing with it the burn in my markings. She deserves better than either of us, but at least I'm not possessed by a demon! If Hawke is going to be with anyone, it won't be him!

Merrill cocks her head slightly to the side, looking concerned. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No. Thank you for telling me." I redirect my course towards Darktown, heading straight for Anders' clinic.

Merrill runs in front of me and holds out her arms to block me. "Stop! What are you going to do?"

"Move Merrill. It's none of your business." I say, still livid.

"You can't go fight Anders!"

I chuckle darkly. "I can." I try to move around her, but she draws her staff and shoves me back with it.

"Fenris, if you do, Hawke will be mad. And that doesn't help anyone!" Merrill pleads.

Ugh. She has a point. I cross my arms and glower at her.

"You should just tell Hawke that you love her, first!" She beams.

I am not doing that either. "No, Merrill."

She crosses her arms mirroring me. "Oh, alright. I'm just trying to help."

"Why are you trying to help me? You know how I feel about your kind."

"Well, Hawke is the best friend I've ever had, and I want her to be happy. I think she could be, with you. The way you look at her with those puppy eyes, I know you love her." Merrill titters.

"There are no puppy eyes." I squint at her.

She giggles. "Yes, there are. Oh! But you didn't say you didn't love her, or that you weren't a couple. I knew it! This is so exciting! I have to go tell Isabela!" Merrill dashes off eagerly.

I scratch my forehead and stand there, stunned. Well, that happened. Whatever that was. I resume making my way through Lowtown, past the shabby merchant stands and the cracked walls. Merrill is so clueless. Ugh. But she's right… I can't really kill Anders… I'm sure there is going to be plenty said over this. Can't say I would hate it if it got around to him… How dare he entertain the idea of being with Hawke. He's out of control. I make my way toward the exit of Lowtown. Since this plan went so well, I think I'll call it a day and go home. Perhaps Hawke will call on me later. As I begin climbing the stairs leading out of this dump, I hear footsteps running up behind me. Fasta vass. What now?

"Wait! Fenris! Look, I've found Isabela!" Merrill's voice calls out.

AAARRGGGHH! I want to scream and punch straight through a wall. Still, I keep my face expressionless as I turn to face the women. I raise an eyebrow at Merrill.

"I've told Isabela everything! We came runnin' from the Hanged Man." Merrill's eyes shine with excitement, and she clasps her hands in front of her.

Mischief plays all over Isabela's face, and she twists her lips. "So… Fenris, she beat me to you, did she?" Her words flow as smooth as silk. "Do you think Hawke would mind sharing?"

"Isabela!" Merrill says, turning to face her, incredulous.

Looking sweetly back at Merrill, Isabela replies, "Don't worry Kitten, you know how I like to joke." She winks at me over her shoulder, making it clear that she wasn't actually joking. "Isn't he sexy though?"

Merrill blushes bright red. "Oh! I don't know… I couldn't really say. I haven't been paying attention."

One woman is enough trouble as it is. The last thing I need is another one. Although… If I had to pick a second… No, definitely not.

"Anyway, what is it about Hawke that keeps you up at night?" Isabela asks coyly. "What's her secret? What's she good at?" She wiggles her eyebrows.

Merrill's eyes, as large as saucers, just look at me eagerly.

Why is it always the questions? I never have answers… "I don't see why I should tell you anything." I cross my arms angrily.

"Because! You must! We're your friends, and—" Merrill is cut off by Isabela.

Isabela gasps and leans back on her heels. "You haven't slept with her yet!"

"What?! I… Well… Wh…" Fragments of words spill from my mouth, and my markings itch with my mortification. I'm so sick of this always happening! Can't they ever just leave me alone?!

"But why? Is there something wrong with you?" Isabela plants her hands on her hips. "Hawke's told me she's more than willing."

I shake my head to regain my composure. "No! There is nothing wrong with me! I just don't like to be touched! Venhedis, woman! What do you two want from me?!" I yell at them.

Shuffling backwards Merrill squeaks, "Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!"

Isabela holds her ground and chuckles. "It's just a question, you don't have to scream." She pauses and clicks her tongue. "I bet you would though. Never mind, that's a conversation for another, much drunker, time."

I growl quietly. It never ends.

"Is there anything you'd tell us that wouldn't require you to kill us?" Isabela smiles.

Fine. If it'll shut them up. "I care about Hawke. I plan to remain at her side." I tell them as I continue to glare.

Isabela and Merrill exchange a thrilled look, then Isabela speaks. "That's all we wanted to know!" She grabs Merrill's hand and they dash off towards the Hanged Man giggling.

So nosey. What are these people? I blink after them, perplexed. I sigh. I suppose this is just my life now; I had better get used to them. Ugh. At least they aren't Anders…

I head straight back towards my house, maintaining a brisk pace to dissuade anyone else from approaching me. When I finally make it through the door, I cast my sword, armor, and rigid demeanor aside, inexplicably exhausted from the run ins with my 'friends'. My feet carry me into the room with all the boxes; I grab a bottle of wine and return to the foyer to collapse on the stairs. So much for having a productive day all by myself. It's hardly the afternoon, and I just want to sleep and forget any of this happened. I rip the cork out of the wine bottle and take a drink. At least I have this. Wine, now that's a true friend. I take another sip and lean my head back on the stairs. Gazing upwards at the spider webs, my eyes trace all corners of the ceiling. That might be the cleanest part of this house… I should probably do something about that… Eh. It's fine the way it is. Continuing to lay here in silence, I drain all but a few drops from the bottle.

After a little while, I hear the front door creak open. I lift my head to observe who ever caused the noise. Unsurprisingly, Hawke sticks her head through the door and looks over at me.

"Can I come in?" She asks, smiling.

"Sure." I sit upright on the stairs.

She walks over and takes a seat on the steps beside me. "What are you doing? Felt like brooding somewhere other than your chair?" She teases.

I don't brood… "Your friends wore me out. I didn't feel like actually climbing the stairs." I tell her honestly.

She snorts with amusement. "Speaking of them, they're the reason I stopped by."

Perfect. What in Thedas did they tell her? "Why am I not surprised?" I shake my head.

"They were all very excited to talk to me about our relationship. You can imagine my confusion." She grins.

I lay back and let my head rest on the steps again. Exasperated and buzzed enough to not really care anymore, I say, "I can assure you, they jumped to wild conclusions all by themselves. I was just there for them to pester."

She laughs. "Well, I didn't think you'd gone off bragging about landing me. I imagine it went more like this: they ran up to you, followed you around, asked you questions nonstop, possibly black mailed you or tried to drug you, and you growled at them so they took that as a sign that we were a couple."

I chuckle in response. "That, is actually pretty accurate."

"Thank you for letting them live. I'm sure it was hard for you." She leans back, propping an elbow on the stair above her.

I look at her with fake sadness in my eyes. "Hawke, you have no idea how difficult it is! I had my hands right around their hearts but then I thought, mmm better not."

"You poor thing! What good self-control you have!" She declares, her voice high and full of mockery.

I laugh and drink the last drops of wine from the bottle I'm holding.

Her eyes rove across my face, deep in thought for a moment. "I like seeing you this relaxed. You should be drunk all the time."

I cut my eyes at her. "I am."

This catches her off guard. She snorts and covers her nose as her face turns red.

How cute. "No, it takes a lot to get me drunk. Rarely happens." I look over at her, suddenly serious. "Hawke?"

"Yes, Fenris?" She replies, concern in her eyes.

"Did you know that you are incredibly beautiful?" Wait. I said that out loud. Maybe I am drunk.

Her cheeks blush even more red but this time she doesn't try to hide it. She tucks a piece of her silky black hair behind her ear. "I'm called irritating, sarcastic, and scary every day. Isabela says I'm sexy, just like her. But beautiful? That's not something I'm used to hearing." She grins widely. "But, if there was ever someone I wanted to hear say that, it's you. Thank you."

"I'm not just saying it… And the maleficar agrees." I scratch absently at my neck. Why are insults so much easier?

"Ah, I do believe it goes by Merrill around here." Hawke sasses.

I roll my eyes. "Fine. Merrill. Either way, it's true. You are."

"Flatterer." She winks at me.

I just shrug and gaze back up at the ceiling. That didn't go horribly. She is hard to read sometimes though… She's snarky about nearly everything.

"Do you like laying on these nasty stairs, or can we go somewhere else?" Hawke asks.

I lift my head again. "We can move." Standing to my feet, I lead her upstairs.

As we arrive at the top of the landing, she cuts in front of me and makes a b-line through the door and over to the bed.

Oh, dear.

"Have you even used this bed at all?! It's covered in dust!" Hawke stares at me in disbelief.

My eyebrows knit together. "I don't sleep much; the chair is sufficient."

"Uh-huh. And I know you don't use it for anything else…" Her voice trails off in a whisper. She turns her gaze back to the bed and pulls the blanket off, dropping it on the floor. Then she flips the two pillows over. "There! Much better! Hardly any dust at all. Well, okay, no, but there is less dust than before." She beams triumphantly.

"Congratulations." I say blandly. Good, a part of my house that I don't use is slightly cleaner than it was before. Yay.

Her face drops to exasperation. "You should be grateful you have this! Look how nice it is!" She climbs in the bed and lays on the left side, facing me. "This is really comfortable! Do you know how I get to sleep?"

I shake my head no.

"I, sleep on the top bunk of three. It's half this size, has only a blanket lining the wooden frame, AND I have to share it with Carver! I don't know if you've seen his arms, but he takes up a lot of space! He also kicks me." Hawke rants.

I scrunch up my face. "You sleep with your brother?"

She glares at me. "Ew, not like that. But still, tell no one."

"I didn't mean like that… Anyway, that's rough. I am sorry." I shuffle my feet. "I… I'm not used to having anything. I guess I'm not comfortable with it because it's new to me."

She nods and pats the space beside her. "At least give it a try. You don't even have to sleep here, just come sit with me."

I don't suppose it could hurt. I walk over to her and climb into the other side of the bed. I sit up with my back against the head board. "Not bad."

"See?" She smiles. "Just because you never had it before doesn't mean you can't enjoy it now. You've been through torture that I can't even imagine, Fenris. You deserve to have anything you want."

That's where she's wrong. "It doesn't feel like I deserve anything." I look away and clench my jaw.

Her voice fills with sadness, "You've survived so much, yet you haven't become a monster. That means a lot."

"In what way have I not become a monster? I've killed innocent people just because my master told me to. I know nothing of who I am. I might appear to be free, but rage owns me. I can never seem to break away from it." I squeeze my fists tightly, driving my fingernails into my flesh.

Hawke sits up and turns to me, her face steeled. "You are not a monster. Look how far you've come. Fenris, look me in the eye and tell me you don't care what happens to other people. You're so angry because of how much you care! Sure, you have your own, justified, personal vendetta; but since I've known you, you have saved the lives of dozens of people, and not just slaves. We all have a lot of blood on our hands, and nothing I can say can change that, but the things in your past do not make you a monster now!"

I face her, all my thoughts conflicted. "Hawke, you don't know everything that has happened! You can't possibly understand the horrors I fight inside my head! The things I have to remember! I don't know if I'm capable of living a normal life, or any life! It's all I can do to keep from ripping myself apart!" I scream.

"The fact that you're fighting it, the fact that you're trying so hard, proves that you aren't a monster!" She yells back, getting right in my face.

"But I don't even know if it's worth fighting for!" I slam my fist against the head board.

"Well, I have to believe that it is! Because Fenris, I've fallen in love with you and I NEED you around!" She shrieks.

I freeze, my heart beating in my throat. What? In love with me… How… How is that possible? What…?

Looking frightened, Hawke folds her hands in her lap and speaks softly, "I'm sorry… Don't take that the wrong way… I just… I need you to understand how important you are."

I don't know how to process this… "Hawke…" I try to speak, but I can't find any words.

She looks about nervously. "Don't say anything. I didn't mean to tell you that… It was… Never mind. I'll leave you alone." She starts to get up.

"Stay." I tell her before she can climb out of the bed.

She turns back to me. "Are you sure?"

I nod yes, my mind still in a whirl. She moves back to sit beside me, leaning against the headboard. Did she mean that? Could someone actually love me? We sit in the quiet for a while. I just listen to our breathing and try not to think. After what feels like ages, I decide to break the silence. "Hawke?" Whether she meant it or not, it is so nice to hear… I have to say something so that she doesn't think I'm upset with her.

"Yes?" She replies without looking at me.

"Were you trying to seduce me before I started yelling at you?" I turn my head and offer her a slight smile.

She returns it with a coy one of her own. "Me? I would never."

We both snicker and finally start to relax.

After a few seconds, she speaks again. "Fenris?"

"What is it?" I look at her questioningly.

"Can I hold your hand?" She asks cautiously.

"No." I say. Instead I scoot closer and put my arm around her. I pull her to my side. Thanks to my tunic, I can enjoy this without pain from my markings.

"Thank you." She snuggles her head against my chest.

We sit there in silence as time passes and it grows dark. I just hold her, and she leans against me. Several times I almost speak, but it feels too nice to ruin it with words. After a few hours, Hawke falls asleep. I lightly kiss her forehead and then close my eyes to sleep as well. I never thought I could enjoy something like this, or that I would ever be this close to someone.