I don't want to fall, and say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like I'm braking inside
--Shinedown--

Chapter Six: Breaking Inside

Rose was barely in her office an hour when her mobile sang the Doctor's jaunty little tune again. Apparently he hadn't followed her advice that he go home and sleep. With a mournful glance at her mountain of paperwork, she pulled out the phone and answered it.

"Hello?"

"The hen do's on Friday night, not Saturday," the Doctor stated matter-of-factly.

"I plan on using Saturday to recuperate," Rose laughed. "I don't intend to drink myself under the table, but you never know."

"I suppose that is a good idea."

"We agreed on Tuesday," she mentioned. "So what's the problem?"

"Tuesday's six days away," he complained. "Why can't we do something on Saturday?"

Rose sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, regretting the fact she'd agreed to go out with him in the first place. No matter what form he was in the Doctor always had a problem with patience. He always wanted to do things right when he thought of them.

'Waiting' was not a word in his vocabulary.

"We'll see each other Sunday morning," she consoled. "Bright and early. That is… as long as you remember to show up this time."

"Not my fault I was hung over and suffering from regeneration sickness."

"You didn't regenerate."

"I did…sort of."

Rose glanced at her watch. He should have been home by now, preferably asleep, so they could have a slightly more coherent conversation later today. Why didn't he go to bed?

"We'll talk about this tomorrow," she told him curtly. "I'm working."

"Right…"

"Go to sleep," she sighed.

"I'm not tired," he whinged, reminding her more of her little brother than of her former lover.

"Then don't go to sleep. I don't care. I can't talk to you right now. I have things I need to be doing."

She tried sound frustrated or at the very least annoyed with him, but that hard to do with the smile on her face. The fact that he was so excited about the idea of a date gave her a warm and happy feeling, leaving her confused.

Part of her wanted so much to believe that it was truly him; while, the other part of her wanted him to drop the act and let them go back to being friends.

"May I call you later?"

"Yeah," she relented, trying not to laugh at him. "Right now, I have a meeting I need to attend."

After a quick exchange of goodbyes, she ended the call and turned off her phone, just to be sure he wouldn't call her again.

*.*.*.*.*

Snapping his phone shut, he set it aside and turned his attention to his takeaway. Popping a few warm chips into his mouth he mourned the fact they no longer used newspaper. Why couldn't this universe have allowed it?

Rose had always teased him about his preference for his fish and chips served in newspaper. More than once offering to pick him up a paper from a newsagent near the chippy.

Vinegar, salt and hot greasy potatoes, there was really nothing better.

It was one of many preferences he found he'd gained after his regeneration. Everything about his regeneration was gear toward making him more compatible with Rose. He was more attractive. He had gained a new accent. He even had many of the same likes and dislikes.

Except for the pears.

That was definitely all him, because Rose liked pears, which made for a few unpleasant kisses in their past.

Finishing off his last two chips, the Doctor licked the vinegar from his fingers and glanced at the clock. It was only mid afternoon, but with his stomach full, exhaustion finally caught up with him.

Sleeping on a grated floor wasn't exactly the best way to be well rested.

Crumpling up the paper from his meal, he considered Rose's advice. Sleeping wouldn't be a bad idea. The only problem was the fact he still hadn't done anything about his naked window.

If he was tired enough, he could probably forget the fact that the sun was blazing at him through the pane.

Or he could do something about it.

There had to be some sort of tacks or nails somewhere in this flat. Tossing his rubbish in the bin, he hopped to his feet and began to rummage through the utility drawer in the kitchen. Nails or tacks didn't reside in there amongst the scissors and pens, but he did find a rather decent roll of gaffer tape.

"Duct tape makes you smart," he laughed.

Automatically, he glanced over to find the reaction to his comment, only to remember he was alone. An unfortunate, sobering thought.

Ignoring the pang, he carried his prize toward his bedroom.

One dark pillowcase and nearly half a roll of tape later, he was quite pleased with his handy work. No wicked beams of light were going to intrude on his slumber now.

Doctor: 1 Sun: 0, he thought with smirk.

*.*.*.*.*

It was dark when the Doctor woke up again. He stretched slowly, releasing all the tension from his tired muscles. Rolling out of bed, he walked out into the lounge on his way to the toilet and the one habit he wasn't sure he would ever get used to.

Jake was making his way around the sparse little kitchen when the Doctor walked through.

"So, you finally decided to come home?"

The Doctor cringed at the thought of this pokey little flat being his home. True he lived here, but that didn't make it a home. A home had… He shook his head. He didn't have a home. Not yet. His home was with Rose, and that wasn't his to claim.

He tried to come up with some witty answer but his tongue decided it was a good time not to do his bidding, so he just snapped his mouth shut and closed the bathroom door behind him.

Jake could make jabs at him later.

There was one thing to be said about being forced to stand still for a few short minutes in a room by himself. It gave him a chance to think about things without any distractions; although, in some ways that could be a very dangerous thing. His mind was known for wandering into treacherous territory from time to time.

This time his thoughts were quite tame, mainly circling around his upcoming date night with Rose.

After zipping up, he washed his hands and stared at his reflection in the mirror, thinking he still looked sexy, even if he was a bit more human than Time Lord.

That train of thought was quite quickly derailed when it was hit head on by his memory of what Rose had said to him this Tuesday just gone. She'd been standing in the narrow hallway, wrapped in a nothing but a fluffy towel, looking damp but beautiful. Her hair…

He had to shake his head to get his thoughts back on her words and not what she'd looked like.

She'd fretted over the fact they hadn't used a condom.

Never having been human before, that was something he'd never had to worry or think about, but now apparently it should be one of his top priorities, especially if he ever thought there was chance of copulation happening again.

With that thought came a rather important question.

If he had condoms, where were they?

Which was quickly followed by a much more pressing inquiry.

Where did one go on a normal human date?

Perhaps he should have ironed out those details with Rose when he'd phoned her earlier, he thought as he walked out of the bathroom.

"Oh, well," he told himself. "I can always call her again."

Thus he had only two things on his mind when he walked toward the table for his mobile were, 'where were his condoms' and 'where was he to take Rose on a date'. The latter was taking up the greater part of his attention because the former wasn't necessary until he'd figured out the other first.

He'd just snatched his mobile off the table when Jake interrupted his thoughts with a question.

"So, where have you been for the past two days?"

The Doctor pulled on his most innocent face, and informed his flatmate that he had gone to see Rose--just as he said he was going to--and then spent the next day at Torchwood.

This made Jake raise an eyebrow and smirk in a way the Doctor wasn't sure he appreciated. The two word sentence, 'did you?' and the gesture that accompanied it cemented the idea that he would need to watch what he said to his flatmate in the future.

Considering Rose's remarks on Torchwood's policies, he decided what they did the other night should not be common knowledge.

"Of course not!" he exclaimed and turned tail back to his bedroom, ignoring Jake's disbelieving cough.

Quickly redialing Rose's number, he propped the phone against his ear as he bent down to glance through the drawer in his bedside table. All the while his mind was going through all the things Rose had enjoyed doing with him.

They'd watched the solar eclipse in Jalfrinon, walked the frozen seas of Woman Wept, been worshiped as gods on multiple planets, but none of that was something he could duplicate on Earth.

That left normal things, like parties and restaurants. A restaurant was good. They could go somewhere and eat. That was part of a date, wasn't it? They ate most anywhere they'd gone.

But what else? Dates were supposed to be entertaining and fun, weren't they?

True, he considered being chased by any number of aliens fun and exciting, but that was what Rose now did for a job. Somehow that seemed to suck any of the fun out of the adrenaline rush.

What else had she liked to do?

"Hello?" Rose answered, just before her voicemail would have picked up.

"Hello," the Doctor responded with a smile.

He was so overwhelmed by the sheer delight of hearing her voice again, he almost completely forgot why he'd called. It wasn't until she asked that he remembered, and the words came tumbling out of his mouth in a breathless rush.

"Do you still like the theatre?"

She laughed and told him she did.

"Lovely," he exclaimed. "Though I have no idea what's playing."

"That's alright," she consoled. "You have nearly a week to figure it out."

"I still say we should do something on Saturday night."

"No, Doctor," she argued.

He could almost hear her shaking her head at him. Obviously she wasn't going to let up on that. As far as she was concerned, they had agreed on Tuesday as their intended date night.

"Are there any plays or musicals you are interested in seeing?" he asked, shuffling around the items in the drawer of his bedside table.

He found some dental floss, a few pieces of chewing gum, three pens, a pamphlet on a nearby museum and a few other things which did not resemble a condom. No matter how many times he moved the items around, no rubbers magically appeared.

If they weren't by his bed, perhaps they were in his bookcase.

"I don't know," Rose replied. "I've heard Wicked actually follows the book, but I don't know if that means the musical is more depressing and convoluted or that the book actually had a happy ending."

"I'd hope it's the happy ending," he offered, walking over to his bookcase.

"Me too," she laughed.

Cardboard boxes of various sizes cluttered the shelves. He pulled down the nearest one and ripped open the lid. It was filled with wires of all lengths and widths. Shutting the lid he noticed a pattern of concentric circles scrawled across the top.

"Wires," he read, not realizing he'd said it out loud until Rose asked what he said.

"Nothing," he replied, checking the next box.

Each of them was labeled as to what sort of technical part they held, none contained anything he was searching for.

Wrinkling his nose, he slid the last box back into place. This search wasn't going at all as planned. Then again, nothing he ever did went along as planned. Well, sometimes it did, but then something would happen after to ruin everything else he'd done before.

"Well," Rose yawned. "I think I will let you go."

"Oh!" he exclaimed, having completely forgotten he was talking to her. "Hello. Sorry. Yes. Goodnight then?"

She giggled quietly.

"Yes. Goodnight," she said like he was thick in the head, but a tone of amusement was still strong in her voice.

"Goodnight," the Doctor repeated, smiling happily.

Call officially over, he snapped his phone shut and tucked it into his back pocket. He hadn't checked the bathroom cupboards yet. Perhaps he would need to go buy another box.

Where did one buy condoms anyway? he wondered, scratching his head. He could ask Jake, but that might lead to questions he wasn't at liberty to answer. He may be able to talk his way out of most situations, but this one didn't fall into the category of "most".

Stalking back across the flat, he tried to avoid any eye contact with Jake on his way back to the bathroom.

*.*.*.*.*

Rose shifted through the stack of paperwork on her desk. Some were files on open cases, some were closed cases, and some were, "cases which hadn't been declared official Torchwood cases because the local law enforcement wasn't ready to admit they couldn't handle it yet, but Torchwood was looking into anyway."

She didn't honestly care what half of them were. The only one she needed at the moment was at the bottom of the stack. She carefully pried it loose and flipped it open.

Pulling up her e-mail client, she started composing a quick note to one of the operatives who was working on the case she was reviewing. She had a few questions she needed answers to.

She'd only just begun her third sentence when her phone rang. Automatically she reached over and hit the second button from the receiver, so she could speak hands free.

"This is Rose Tyler," she answered.

A promotion would give her a secretary, who would be able to do most of this work for her.

"I should hope so," came the Doctor's voice from the speaker.

Rose was torn between being annoyed with him and being happy he called. She decided it was easier to be annoyed, being happy came with a few too many unsettling thoughts and questions about his identity.

"What do you want?"

She was prepared for some silly question or some strange new observation on being human like the time he'd called her when he discovered he needed to relieve himself more than once a day. That was an odd phone call.

While she thought she was ready to listen to anything he was ready to tell her, she was proved quite wrong when he spoke again.

"I bought condoms," he stated proudly.

Working at Torchwood had definitely improved her reflexes, because Rose had never grabbed her phone as quickly as she did the moment those words left the speaker.

"You what?" she hissed, looking up to find she had indeed left her office door open.

"I bought condoms," he repeated slowly.

"I heard you the first time," she spat, still watching the corridor outside. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, remember that conversation we had Tuesday? The one about my needing to have condoms?"

"Vividly."

"Okay. Yesterday, I searched my flat, and I found a box of condoms, but there were only three left in it, and I am quite sure I…well...he wasn't the one who used them, not all of them at least. I'm guessing Jake's been making use of them, as he does seem to have a rather active social life."

"Can you get to the point?"

"Oh, right. So, today I went to the chemist—that one round the corner--and picked up a new box. Well, three boxes, actually. Did you know that there is such a thing as flavoured condom? I don't know why you would want a flavoured condom. Especially when they don't really taste very good."

"You've tasted them?"

"Yeah. Banana's alright. It's imitation banana, so it's not exactly like real bananas, but it's not bad. Though, why anyone would like sour apple is beyond me. It's so sweet and tart and…well…very sour."

"Where are you?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm, when she had an urge to throttle him.

Torchwood kept taps on its lines. There were records on nearly every phone call made in or out. Just what she needed was to have this one recorded.

"Your flat," he replied.

She had to shake her head to rid herself of the mental image of him sitting at her dining table with various rubbers on his fingers.

"Is that why you rang? You're in my flat, and you have condoms?"

"No. Not really. Actually, I made egg mayonnaise sandwiches, and I wondered if you would like to join me for lunch."

Rose pulled open her desk drawer, hoping there was still a bottle of aspirin or perhaps ibuprofen in there for the headache she had coming on. After two years of unusual phone calls, she still wasn't used to it yet.

"Yes, I'll meet you for lunch," she said quietly. Glancing at the time she added, "I've a break in a half hour."

"I'll come to you then," he said brightly. "See you in a half hour."

"See you."

And with that he was gone, and Rose was left to finish an e-mail she couldn't quite concentrate on. Hanging up the phone, she laid her head down on her desk and wished for a simpler life.

*.*.*.*.*

He arrived right on time. A half hour had just passed when he appeared at her office door with a little basket in hand and a smile on his face.

"Hello," he said cheerfully.

"Hello," Rose responded, smiling back at him. She straightened the stack of files on her desk as she stood. "Give me one more minute."

"Take your time."

The Doctor leaned back against the door frame as she tidied her workspace. She leaned over her keyboard, brushing the loose strands of hair from her face and tucking them behind her ear as she signed out and locked her computer. He couldn't help but think about how much she had changed.

She didn't just look older, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what the difference was.

Looping her handbag over her arm, she walked around the desk and toward him and the door. Automatically, he reached out for her hand, and was a bit unnerved when she hesitated to return the gesture, looking at his hand like it might bite her.

Undaunted, he wiggled his fingers at her and smiled reassuringly, same as he'd done that Christmas, so long ago.

With a quiet nervous laugh, she linked her fingers through his, and asked, "Egg mayonnaise?"

"Yes," he replied enthusiastically, smiling down at her with everything he had.

He gently squeezed her hand when her cheeks coloured slightly and he heard her breath catch momentarily. If he still had his full array of senses, he would hear her heart speed up and smell the hormone shift. It was a fair trade he thought, being relegated to the five simple human senses, if he could be with her again.

There was an urge to inform her that he had brought a few condoms in his pocket, but that little voice in the back of his head reminded him that she wouldn't want to. For all the signals of her body, emotionally she wasn't ready to accept him yet. At the very least, he just liked having them in his pocket. They would keep him from making the same mistake again.

Swinging her hand in his, he cheerfully walked her out of the building and toward the little park just across the way.

The two of them sat down on the stone wall surrounding a little stream. The Doctor unfolded the little cloth to reveal the contents of his little basket, and handed a paper wrapped parcel to Rose.

"Very little Red Riding Hood," she commented, opening her sandwich and taking a bite.

"What? The basket?"

Rose nodded, chewing her mouthful.

The Doctor shrugged and laughed, "Well, you're definitely not my grandmother."

"That would be weird," she agreed before looking down at her sandwich thoughtfully, squishing the bread to make the filling bulge and then letting it go back in. "He couldn't cook, you know."

"So you said."

"I did, didn't I?"

They exchanged a soft laugh and it was the Doctor's turn to examine his lunch. For all his knowledge of space and time, he couldn't begin to fathom his other self would be lacking such a simple ability.

"Not even egg mayonnaise?" he asked incredulously. "It's nothing but hard-boiled eggs, mayonnaise, and maybe some vegetable; though, that's not necessary. All you need is just the egg and the mayonnaise."

"Not even egg mayonnaise," Rose confirmed, apparently amused by his mystification.

"Wow," he said dramatically before taking a large bite of his own sandwich.

He chewed pensively a moment before asked, through a mouthful of egg and bread, "So how did he blow up the microwave?"

"What?"

"The other day, you told me not to blow up the microwave again. What did he do to it?"

Rose laughed so hard in remembering, she nearly choked on her sandwich. It wasn't until she managed to swallow properly and take a few drinks from the water bottle he offered her that she was able to speak again.

"He decided he wanted to cook an egg," she said simply.

"He didn't," the Doctor said, not quite sure his other self could be that stupid.

"He did."

"You mean he put it right inside and turned it on?"

Rose nodded. "Yeah, he put it right inside and turned it on."

"But he should have known that it would explode. I mean, the steam would be trapped inside the shell and the pressure…"

"It blew the door open," she said explained.

"That must have been a right mess."

"It was."

"He hadn't been tinkering with it? It was just the egg, right?"

"Just the egg," she confirmed, smiling at him.

"Good," he sighed, looking relieved. "Because microwave ovens are extremely volatile. They are the one kitchen appliance you should never under any circumstances tinker with."

Rose nodded and looked up at him with a cheeky grin on her face. "So says the man who set Mum's toaster on fire."

"It stopped burning the toast after that."

"It stopped working after that. We had to go get her a new one, remember?"

"Oh, right," he laughed, raking his hand through his hair, looking sheepish. "I shouldn't tinker, should I?"

"Not with kitchen appliances, no."

"Agreed."

He took another bite of his sandwich and watched the other people around them. Most were business men and women from the various buildings around, but there were some parents and small children.

A bright little toddler caught his attention, a girl with blonde pigtails chasing after a little ball. She ran as fast as her little legs could carry her, but was still not fast enough to catch her ball which only sped farther way. Suddenly a strong set of arms swept her up and ran with her, swinging her down to pick up the ball before he pulled her into a tight embrace.

A sad smile tugged at the Doctor's lips as he watched the father and daughter play.

"Would you really be angry if you're pregnant?" he asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer to that question. He stared at what was left of his sandwich. His appetite had left him.

"I'm not pregnant," Rose stated sorely.

"But I thought you said…" he started, not sure what he should read into that response.

Lifting his head, he met her eyes. She took a slow deliberate breath before she said anything.

"My period started this morning."

"Oh," he breathed, turning back toward the little girl and her dad.

Why did something that should have been a relief leave him feeling so utterly disappointed? It had been so long since they had discussed children. He had been a father once, but it wasn't anything like what this man had with his child. He was just a progenitor and had no real influence over his children's lives.

His brooding was stopped by Rose reaching out and giving his knee a pat.

Turning back to her, he smiled. She smiled back and tucked the loose bit of hair back again. His heart ached. She was the only person he could ever see himself having another child with and now that there was nothing stopping them, she might not even want to.

For all her comments about children being little terrors, he could see her as being such a wonderful mother. She'd been so good with Tommy after they'd defeated the Wire.

"So, you still want to take me out on a date?" she asked, smoothly changing the subject.

"Isn't this a date?"

"Sort of, but I was meaning a proper date."

"I suggested the theatre," he said, remembering their previous conversations. "But we can't do it this weekend, because you have a hen do."

"And you have a stag do."

"Yes, I do," he smiled. "That's why we agreed on Tuesday, right? You don't work, and we could go out early so you're back home at a decent hour even."

"Very considerate of you," she teased. "Thinking about my schedule."

He grinned at her.

"That's me, the considerate date."

Rose playfully shoved him, and his smile only broadened. It was nice being like this with her again. He hadn't realized how much he missed their good-natured teasing, until he lost her again.

Her face was still burned into his psyche, standing there beside the console and explaining about the dimension canon. She'd beamed at him then, so proud of herself.

This time she didn't have quite the same glow she'd had then, but her face was still bright as she laughed at him. It gave him hope that perhaps everything would work out, that she would eventually believe in him and who he said he was.

The happy mood was shattered by Rose's quick glance at her watch.

Her break was nearly over and she needed to get back to her office to prepare for a meeting.

To be continued…