AUTHORS NOTE: It is my humble request to read Authors note. Because sometimes people don't read it before moving to another chapter or story.

Hi guys, thank you so much for your support so far. Please ignore if there is any spelling errors or grammatical mistakes.

And I have been told that my way of writing is stupid and I don't have be so artist because I am not able keep up with my own story. And why I am writing in flashback instead of writing the story? Or why don't I write the story and go on with it because there are lots of gaps in the story.

I agree that there are gaps in the story, but if you've read the story properly you would've realized that those flashbacks I am writing only meant to fill the gaps. For instance chapter three where Ana is uncomfortable with Christian spending money on her. Even though Leila and Elena doesn't know about ana's pregnancy but they are spreading lies about her trapping Christian and calling her gold-digger and for Mia hating Leila is obvious.

If you don't like my way of writing please stop reading my story than telling me to change my writing style. So please don't bother sending me private message telling me to change my writing style because I am not changing it for one single person.

Thank you all for supporting me so far.

CHAPTER FOUR

ANASTASIA

PRESENT (Twenty Three Years Old)

I reread the text from Grace for the millionth time since I received it yesterday. It stated two things. One, Ray had an accident. My dad and dear friend was in critical condition. And two, I had to go home. Seattle

I looked up and gazed at the window shutter of the plane I was sitting inside. I don't know what I am actually trying to do. Unfortunately, there wasn't anything to mask the pain in my chest. The horrendous agony quickly brought me back to the present, and it screamed that I couldn't run from it.

Not this time, Ana, a sour voice in my mind hissed. You can't escape this.

Why did this have to happen? I glumly wondered.

I felt guilty that I momentarily wished I were back in my New York apartment instead of travelling to my home, Seattle. I then felt shamefaced about pondering why my dad's accident had to land me in such a horrible situation when what I should have been praying for his betterment. After all the only person I've had left.

My priorities, as usual, were messed up.

I had difficulty swallowing a lump that formed in my throat. After I took a couple of deep breaths to relax myself, I took my phone out from my pocket and opened up my emails. My lip twitched as I scrolled through them. There were hundreds upon hundreds of messages from my dad that I never got around to deleting and I was glad of it. He was the only person from back home who I talked to daily. Actually, he was the only person from home that I still spoke to at all.

He was a pain in the arse, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. He maybe my stepfather but he had loved me more than anything in the world.

I had questioned what was wrong when he never emailed me on Tuesday morning. We spoke over Skype the previous afternoon, We had a routine; I woke up to an email from him every morning, and we would chat back and forth until I spoke to him over Skype during my lunch break at work.

I immediately called his phone on Tuesday morning when I didn't receive an email from him, but his house phone just rang until his answering machine picked up. I left a brief message asking him to ring me as soon as he could, and when he didn't, dread filled me.

On Wednesday morning, when I got a voicemail and text message from Grace, I felt like my world is crashing down on me all over again.

My life always revolves around accident and deaths. Those accident took something from me in one way or another. With each accident, something break inside of me which could not be mend.

It started when I was a baby. I was born on 10th of September, 1993 and my father Franklin died in 11th of September, 1993. I wasn't given the chance to meet him know him. He and my mom Carla were highschool sweethearts and they married right after finishing their highschool. I was born a year later. As a baby I wasn't aware about the concept of death or the pain it brings with it that was something my mom had go through all alone.

Not long after my father's death my mom moved to Seattle from Portland, and got the job in Steele Securities. I was four years old when my mom introduced me to Raymond Steele for the first time, she was working in his father's office as a receptionist for a long time.

Raymond Steele was in army before he suffered a bad injury and decided to join his father's business. It was where he met my mom for the first time and fall in love with her.

My mother and Ray were married before I could even blink. Not that I minded. I love Ray and he's always so nice to me. He makes me feel welcome, and he's wonderful to my mom. He makes her happy. For the first time I saw my mom acted of her age.

Then I met with Mia and Kate in school. We've been friends since we were five years old and we were like sisters. Actually, we were closer than sisters. We were partners in crime, even though I was usually only the accessory in said crime. Mia was the crazy one and Kate was the bold one and I was the shy one.

Then there was Christian, I was five when I first met him. He was eight at that time. You can say he was a troubled kid. But I know him better or I thought so. He had his issues, he won't let anyone touch him not even me.

Not until that day...

Ray had finished the treehouse he was working on for weeks now. Mia, Kate and I were finishing up our treehouse decoration when Christian and Ethan, Kate's older brother showed up at my house. I was climbing down the ladder when it snapped and all I heard was screaming. Only that was I who was screaming.

Mai and Kate were screaming but I can't hear what was going around me.

I was hanging on by one hand, whimpering. Scared, tear-filled my eyes.

I warp my arms around the tree and try to pull myself up but I'm not strong enough to pull up by myself. My heart is roaring in my ears.

"Ana, you need to calm down." Christian says panicked. I'm struggling, freaking out.

"Ch..Christian!"

"Listen to me." He says. "Put your feet against the tree."

"What?"

"Put your feet against the trunk. Can you do that?"

I try to moves. On the first attempt, my foot slides and my body swings back.

"Ana!" Mia's and Ethan shout at the same time, somewhere in the background.

"Go get a ladder from the garage!" Christian scream down at him.

"Everything's going to be okay."

"I'm scared!"

"I know, but I've got you. I'll never let you go."

My bottom lip trembles. "Promise?"

"I promise." He promised. My shoulders ache and my hands are getting sweaty. It's such an awkward position, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it. If only I could get a better grip.

I almost slips out of my grip again and a scream pierces through me.

Next thing I know was a strong arm wrapped around me and lift me up. Few seconds later I was on the ground.

I am on top of Christian, crying, trembling, hugging him so hard.

He shaking just as hard as I was. Shivering, he hugs me back, I sprawled on his lap, alive.

He got me. He saved me. "You scared the shit out of me, dumbass."

"You're not supposed to cuss at me." I replied shakily.

I've never felt this light-headed. Tightening my arms around him, I press my lips to his chest. He stopped breathing for few seconds. I wait for him to push me away but then he relaxed before saying "You can't do that ever again. Can't scare me like that. I thought you were going to die." Then Mia and Kate come running down on me hugging me, crying. But I think I fall in love with him that day.

After that day, his attitude was different with me, we have become closer. I've been unsure about many things in my life except that I have always loved him. Every single minute of every single day that I have been on this earth, my heart has belonged to him. It has never been a question, never a doubt. The love had taken on many different forms over the years, but it had always been a constant.

He and I had become such an extension of each other. Grace said we had developed our own language, like twins did. Christian and I had understood exactly what we were saying without saying a word. Our secret language continued as the time passes.

The connection we shared kept getting stronger as the years passed. Christian could read me like no one else could. He knew my thoughts, my moods, and my feelings, just like I knew his. As we got older, our instincts sharpened and we knew when the other was in need without a word passing between us.

There are experts on love who will tell you how to get it, keep it, and get over it. We're led to believe it's complicated but it not, it's the feeling that comes along with love, especially jealousy.

By the age I was thirteen I wasn't sure if it was my raging hormones or other girls drooling over Christian, constantly, but I had started looking at him differently. I didn't like the way they looked at him or talked about his body parts. These new feelings were confusing to me. I knew when I was with him, I felt excited, happy, and safe. When we weren't together it felt like a part of me was missing.

Since we shared all of our firsts together, I guess it was only natural that my first crush would be on Christian. He was three years older than me, obviously had to have a life besides me. I just can't control the feelings and I don't like the distance it had created between us. And it hurts like bitch.

I did what I am best at, hide. To mask the pain, hurt and jealousy I started avoiding him. Only it wasn't that easy to Mr. Christian Grey especially when he has his mind set on something. So hiding didn't work but his reassurance did. He told me I was his best girl and no-one can take my place in his heart. Which I don't know what that place is because I so don't wanna be his sister. I don't left with much of a choice but come to terms with it. But that doesn't mean I have to be okay with it. There's was no way I'm going to play buddy- buddy with his girlfriends. Actually they are not girlfriends because they never last more than few weeks.

We were back to being Christian and Ana when my world came crumbling down on me. My mom, Carla died. She went to shopping to buy present for Ray's birthday. She was on her way back home and a drunk driver ran a red light and slammed into the driver's side of her car, causing a blow to her temple that killed her instantly.

There are no words that can describe the feelings of lossing your soulmate. That day I lost my mother and a friend but Ray lost his soulmate.

It was Christian who held me at nights when I cry for my mom. When I was screaming at nights for my mom, he whispered sweet nothing to me and sings lullaby to keep my nightmares away.

As time passes, the pain dulls but it's still there. Ray was working on autopilot. But he still make sure to provide for my needs. It took him more than a year finally come to terms with mom's death. Though I know that losing someone wasn't a particular feeling that lasted for a certain amount of time; it was something you had to live with for the rest of life.

Only I wasn't aware that one day I have to go through the same pain.

But in my case, it's worse when the person you love is alive and love you but he don't remember you. You have see him with someone else, especially when you hate that someone the most, it's make you miserable.

A shadow falls over me. I flick a glance to my left, and my eyes meet with a suit. A very nice black suit covering a really broad chest.

Suit Guy takes the seat beside me and turns to me with a smile on his face. And says "Hello," in the British accent I've ever heard.

"Hi." My word comes out strangled.

"You have to have the window shutter open on takeoff," he tells me, nodding in the direction of the window, pulling me from my thoughts.

I think I'm supposed to move to open the shutter, but I can't seem to function like a normal human being right now because I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't realize what was going around me.

Then suddenly the intercom announcement comes on with the captain telling us there's a slight delay while we wait for another plane to take off before ours.

Just what I needed

No matter how hard you try to move on, some forces are beyond your control and they won't let you move on. Memories, good or bad they are part of you, you can try to block them but you can't stop them. They always found a way back in your life.

I always thought Christian loved me just as much as I loved him, if not more. The day he proposed me was the best day of my life. It felt like as if it all happened yesterday.

I gasp when I walk out of master bathroom and see that the bedroom looks like a flower shop. Rose petals cover every inch of the room. I don't think he could have gotten this many roses from the greenhouse. Did he bought the whole flower shop? My beautiful boyfriend stands in the center of the room, a soft smile on his lips.

"You know what today is?" he asks, moving toward me, closing the distance between us. "Thirteen years ago today was the first time I laid eyes on you. You walked right into my life and changed it forever." He leans in and takes a tender kiss from my lips. He delves one hand into my hair.

"Four thousand seven hundred and forty eight roses, one for each day since that day." A tear escapes, but Christian kisses it and stops it in its path. I never knew life could be this good. Could be so perfect. That fairy tales were real. But they are. Here I stand in my bedroom with a man who would do anything to make me smile, a man who would do anything for his family.

Tugging my hand, he pulls me further into the room, and before I know it, he's sinking to one knee in front of me. Holy hell . . . I did not expect this! I stop breathing.

From his inside jacket pocket he produces a ring and gazes up at me, his eyes bright gray and raw, full of emotion.

"Anastasia Steele. I love you. I want to love, cherish, and protect you for the rest of my life. Be mine. Always. Share my life with me. Marry me."

I blink down at him as my tears fall. My man. I love him so, and all I can say as the tidal wave of emotion hits me is, "Yes"

"Yes. I'll marry you. Oh god! Christian this is a dream come true." I kissed him so hard.

"You're too perfect, you know that?"

"I don't know about that, but I know no matter how hard I try I'll never catch up to your perfection." He places another kiss on my lips before pulling me toward the bed and laying me down.

There are two most devastating feelings in the world are failure and loneliness. All others pale in comparison.

Failure, to a certain degree, is under you're control. In theory, if you work hard and give 100% you will achieve your goal.

Loneliness, is worse than failure. Loneliness is controlled by others. I've heard people say, just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely and you can be standing in a crowded room with people, but feel lonely.

There's only one person in my life who reigns over whether or not I'm lonely. Whether I'm physically with him or not, knowing he's in my life keeps the loneliness away. When he's standing in front of me and I feel him slipping away, the ache of loneliness takes over and drowns me. Being that vulnerable to a person is frightening.

He promised to love me, protect me but he was the only one destroyed me...