Finally, OMG I've been trying to post this for a week!!! Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. It's kinda important to the rest of my story, so let me know what you think!
Although the main inspiration for this fic is the song Legendary by Lou Barlow, this chapter also received some fuel from Matt Kearney's "Nothing Left to Lose". I think the lyrics fit Carsten very well. Just my opinion but please read and review!
Kirsten arrived home to find Sandy and the boys fighting over which take-out menu to order from. She stood back, out of sight, and smiled at them. This was her family, the ones that she loved, and for just a moment or two, things felt like they used to.
The Cohens spent the rest of the night enjoying take-out and each other's company. Seth and Ryan rattled on about the happenings of the week. Sandy and Kirsten listened on, exchanging awkward glances between them. Kirsten really didn't want to hear about Sandy's work week, and she didn't have anything to contribute from her own. She forced a smile, and finished off her fourth glass of wine. Or was it fifth? She shrugged inside, disconnecting herself from the conversation and heading to the kitchen. The boys finished their dinner and headed out for the night, leaving the two of them alone. Sandy followed Kirsten into the kitchen, where he found her filling her glass yet again.
"Well, me and the boys will be leaving first thing in the morning to go to Miami. You sure you don't want to come with us?" Sandy asked.
"I can't," she replied, draining about half of her glass of merlot. "There are some things at work that really need to be finished tomorrow, and I need to be here to make sure they are." She didn't speak a word of Carter's invitation.
"Really throwing them back tonight, huh?" Sandy inquired uneasily.
Kirsten turned to face him. "It's been a long week. It helps me to relax." she responded sharply.
"Like the vodka you've been hitting lately," he continued, "is that just to relax too?"
Kirsten glared at him from across the bar. "Have you been watching me?"
Sandy braced himself for what he knew was coming. "You've been passed out almost every night this week, and I'm just worried about you drinking."
Kirsten smirked, "I don't need a babysitter, Sandy. Maybe I have been drinking more lately, but I don't need you to be my referee. Things have been stressful at work and I–"
"Stressful since Featherbrook, you mean?" Sandy interrupted.
Kirsten set her stare and tried to hide the panic within her. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Ever since you came back you've been avoiding me. I need to know, did something happen with you and Carter?"
Kirsten's fear was replaced by anger. She turned to the sink to deposit her now empty glass. "Aw, Sandy don't do this. Not now."
Sandy kept going. "I think we need to talk about this, this wall that's been between us for so long."
"You've been avoiding me for months!" she spat. "All those nights you were working late, with her, and you expect me to believe that nothing went on with you two? You left me Sandy! You left me on Valentine's Day to be with her! You left me and conveniently got stranded in that hotel with her! What am I supposed to think?"
"Don't make this about me," he retorted. "This conversation is about you and why you won't talk to me anymore! Tell me what's going on with you." He moved to her side of the bar, but she turned away.
"Nothing is going on with me," she hissed. "And nothing happened with me and Carter. The same way nothing happened with you and Rebecca."
The implication in her statement was not lost on Sandy. He immediately dropped his head, knowing that this conversation was not one he wanted to have right now. Kirsten turned to the freezer, where she retrieved a small bottle of vodka. She turned to face him. "I'm going to the patio for a while, and then to bed. Don't bother waking me in the morning. And give my regards to your mother."
With that, the conversation was over. He watched her walk away, and he felt so many things. Anger, sadness, helplessness. Sandy had received no closure to the situation, and now was only more confused. He sat down at the bar, elbows on the counter, chin in hand. He wished he knew what he could say to make everything go back to the way it was before. But that wasn't going to happen any time soon, he was afraid.
He thought about her comment, 'nothing happened.' The way she had said it, he just couldn't believe her. But he also knew that she didn't believe him either. He knew what he and Rebecca had done was wrong, but Kirsten barely knew Carter. He and Rebecca had a past, an unsettled one at that. Carter had just breezed through town a few weeks ago, and all of a sudden she was running off to the wine country with him?
Even as he tried to rationalize his affair with Rebecca, he knew that no excuse could ever be enough. There was no excuse for it, and the guilt ate at him relentlessly. Sandy also knew that he and Kirsten were going to have to resolve this at some point, otherwise it would be the last nail in the coffin that was their marriage. He just hoped that it wasn't too late.
Kirsten awoke the next morning to an empty house. Sandy and the boys had been gone for hours. She checked the clock. Nine-thirty. She hadn't slept that late in a while. But she knew the events of last night and the pint of vodka she drank had more than a little to do with that. She was still so angry with Sandy, and it was so unlike them to leave an argument open like that. The things he had said, although true, still cut into her like a knife. She knew that he was aware of the attraction between her and Carter. Just like she was aware of the attraction there had been between Sandy and Rebecca. Why couldn't they just be honest with each other?, she wondered. They never used to hide things, not even trivial stuff, but lately she felt like they didn't know each other at all. She felt like she was talking to a stranger when she talked to Sandy. And even though part of her longed for the closeness they used to share, the other part was just too damned tired to try.
And to add to the mounting tension, she would be going to Carter's in a few hours. Not only did she not have her husband to depend on anymore, she was about to say goodbye to the one person she could. Kirsten went to the fridge and took out the tomato juice. As she poured a glass, she realized that an additional ingredient would be needed. It was going to be a very long day.
Kirsten arrived at Carter's apartment around six, a little earlier than she was expected. She had sat in that empty house for long enough. She just wanted to get this over with. She checked her hair and makeup before making her way to his door. She felt a little overdressed for the occasion, a flowing skirt and coordinating silk blouse--but what the hell, she thought. This was probably the last time they would see each other, and she wanted to make a good last impression.
Kirsten climbed the stairs to his second story apartment and rang the bell. She was greeted by Carter shortly. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw him. Dressed in jeans, his shirt untucked, his hair still damp from showering, and his facial hair neatly trimmed. She had never seen anyone look as good as he did now.
"Come in," he said to her in that soft tone. She bit her lip and obliged him, knowing like hell she should turn and leave.
"Wow something smells great in here," she said, trying to mask the awkwardness. "You really pulled out all the stops for this one."
"Well, it's kind of an important dinner," he responded. "I wanted to make a good last impression"
Funny he used the same words, she thought inwardly.
"I brought the wine," she finally added, after a few moments of silence.
"Great, I'll open it and we can enjoy some now. Dinner still likes a few minutes."
Thank God, she thought. Her nerves were already getting the best of her, and a glass of wine would do wonders.
She sat on the couch, and Carter returned momentarily with two full glasses. He sat opposite her in an oversized chair. "So," Kirsten began, "tell me all about this new job."
He filled her in on all the details, and the conversation continued from there. They talked about the past few weeks and how he hated Newport in the beginning. In just a short time, they were laughing and reminiscing. The awkwardness of the last few weeks was gone. They were enjoying each other's company once again, and it felt wonderful. Kirsten had been so sad for so long it seemed. She just wanted to feel something besides that.
Carter was in the middle of a story about Julie; they were both laughing, uncontrollably at times. He moved to the couch beside Kirsten, and she could feel her body tense from his closeness. She forced a nervous smile, not because she was uncomfortable with his proximity, but because she wasn't. He seemed to sense her change in demeanor, and took a few moments to drink her in. She was a heavenly sight, her hair falling like a veil around her face, her eyes animated with laughter. He knew it would be so hard for him not to see her anymore, but his leaving was a necessary step.
"Kirsten," he said to her, changing the subject. "I just want you to know that I wouldn't trade these last few weeks for anything in the world. At first, this place was just another stop on my journey, just another job. But I'm so glad I took it, because if I hadn't, I never would have met you. You've become very important to me," he said, moving closer, placing his empty glass on the table, and taking hers as well. "I'll be honest with you. I almost didn't take this job, because I didn't want to leave you."
Kirsten felt the ever-familiar stirring within her, the same feeling she got every time he looked at her, every time he spoke. But she knew she had to be strong this time. "Carter," she said, looking down at her hands, trying to put into words what she was thinking, "as happy as I am for you about this job, letting you go is not going to be easy for me either. Working with you has been so great, and I—"
Their conversation was interrupted by the oven, announcing its completed task. Oh the blessed intervention, Kirsten thought.
Kirsten averted her attention away from him, and Carter dropped his head with a knowing smile. "I think we should eat now."
The dinner was pleasant, although quiet. The shadow of the previous conversation hung over them both. Kirsten had consumed several glasses of wine throughout the meal to try and calm her jitters. When they were finished, Carter began clearing away the dishes, and Kirsten moved to help him.
"Wow, Carter, that was really amazing. Thank you so much for inviting me. I don't think I could have stood another second in that empty house. I'm glad I got to come here and say goodbye to you."
"I'm glad you could make it," he said to her. "I'm actually surprised that you showed up. I figured you would opt out considering, well, everything that's happened." His eyes scanned hers, and he could feel the heat rising up in him.
She felt her cheeks blush at the mention. He watched her from just a few feet away, and the distance was becoming unbearable. He wanted so much to touch her again, to make her troubles melt away like before. "Carter, having you around has meant a lot to me. Things at home have been, well, let's just say they've been better, and I—I'm sorry." Kirsten realized what she was saying and began to panic. "I shouldn't be telling you this. I really should go."
She turned to leave when she felt Carter coming up close behind her. "Kirsten, please don't leave," she heard him say. She stopped when she felt his touch on her arm. She turned to face him, aching to be close to him. "I don't want you to feel like there's anything you can't tell me," he said softly. "I know that things haven't been good for you at home. You don't have to say anything for me to know that. I can tell you're unhappy, and I wish there was something I could do to change that. There is nothing that hurts me more than to see you like this, Kirsten. And I'm sorry if my presence here has caused any of that pain."
She could feel the tears began to sting her eyes, and she turned her face to hide them. I don't want him to see me like this, she thought. But she couldn't hide from Carter. He knew her too well.
Carter guided her gaze back to his, and saw the tear escape from her beautiful eye. He felt his compassion for her rise up, and he brought his hand to her face, gently wiping away her sadness.
"Carter," she replied, moving past him in one last ditch effort to maintain her composure. She stood at the bar, facing away from him, with her arms crossed, as if to guard her heart from his intrusion.
Carter moved closer to stand behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. Her body tensed first, then relaxed. She welcomed his touch, wanting desperately to make a connection.
"Kirsten," he whispered to her, as he moved even closer, their bodies now touching. "Let me help you to forget, just for a little while."
After hearing no protest leave her lips, his hands moved to stroke her beautiful blonde hair. Kirsten could feel her body melt into him, into this moment, and all of a sudden, nothing else really mattered. It was always about so much more than lust with them. His presence had the power to heal her pain, if only just for a moment.
Carter kissed the top of her head, as his hands slid down her sides to rest on her hips. He felt her lean against him, and he brought his hand to the nape of her neck. With his fingers, he swept her hair aside, leaving trails of fire on her delicate, bare skin. She breathed in deep and exhaled a sigh, enjoying every minute of his caress. He moved his lips to kiss behind her ear, a place he knew she liked. His facial hair made wonderful sensations, and she shivered in response. His hands moved around her waist, slipping underneath her shirt to caress the skin beneath. She moaned softly for him, and she could feel the ache building in her core. Then, as if reading her mind, he moved his hands to the hem of her knee-length skirt. Working his way up the inside of her thigh, devilishly slow, his caresses finally met the most private secrets of her body. He moved aside the silk material he found there, and gently teased her delicate skin, sliding a finger inside her. She moaned again, a little louder this time, and he smiled as she braced against the counter for support. He played a little longer, then mercifully pulled his hand away. He smiled as he watched her breaths become erratic, and made his way to the front of her, looking in to her eyes.
"I want to always remember you the way you look now," he said to her, and not waiting for a response, kissed her mouth. She pressed her body close to his, and returned his kisses with a fury of passion. She pulled away, and began to undo the buttons on his shirt. Slowly, methodically, she reached the last one. She ran her hands over his now bare chest, then moved lower to the waist of his jeans. She tugged at the closure, her gaze never leaving his own. Her breath was heavy, her cheeks flushed. She needed this. More than she had ever needed anything. Her hands had finally found their target, as she undone his jeans and slid her hand inside, stroking him gently. He moaned her name, and enjoyed the contact for as long as he could.
He grabbed the hem of her shirt, and in one motion, pulled it over her head and discarded it to the floor. Their bare skin slid together exquisitely, as Carter leaned in for another kiss. He took her by the hand, and led her to his bedroom. Leaning her against the wall for a moment, he removed her bra. He used his tongue to caress her breasts, her stomach. Doing away with the rest of her clothing and his own, he led her to the bed. They lay together, reveling in the closeness for just a bit. Kirsten moved over him, kissing his chest, moving lower and lower, until she reached the part of his body most sensitive to her touch. She stroked him gently and took him into her mouth. She wanted her body to know every inch of him.
Carter watched her as she played seductively, her lips and tongue bathing him in warmth. He stroked the back of her head as she continued, until he could not stand it a second longer. "Kirsten," he managed, calling her back. "I need you. One last time."
She moved atop him, settling herself over him and guiding him inside. She breathed out an uncontrollable sigh as he filled every part of her. Carter grasped her hips, pushing her down onto him. They found their rhythm, and the dance began. No words were necessary, they allowed their bodies to speak to each other. Each knew what the other wanted, needed. Carter watched as she moved seductively above him, and her moans were the sexiest thing he had ever heard.
Carter pulled her down and kissed her hard, rolling them over so he was on top this time. She smiled, as they repositioned, and found their rhythm once again. He pinned her hands, as their moans became more and more intense. A few more hard thrusts and both found the climax they had been craving. After a few moments of heaven, the pleasure subsided. Carter, still remaining within her, kissed her once again, softer this time. He didn't want the contact to end, he didn't want her to leave. But he knew that this night would be over soon. He moved from above her and lay down beside her. Her body glistened with the sweat of their exertions. He admired her beautiful form, not wanting to forget a single inch of her.
They lay together for a while. Kirsten turned toward Carter and draped her arm across his chest. She was mesmerized by the rise and fall of his breathing. Neither spoke a word, and for a few wonderful moments, they just enjoyed the silence. But then her thoughts suddenly turned to Sandy. He would be home tomorrow. She didn't know if she could bear another fight with him. Upon thinking about him, Kirsten was immediately embarrassed by her nakedness, and aware of the reality returning to her. She got up, moving around the room to retrieve her clothing that was scattered about the apartment. Carter watched as she nervously dressed herself. He slipped on his jeans and walked over to her. She stopped him before he could say a word.
"Carter, I can't stay, so please don't ask me to. I should be at home right now. I'm sorry but I need to leave now before I find that I can't." She turned to walk out of the room.
"Kirsten, I want you to know that I love you." His words stopped her in her tracks. She turned to find him standing right behind her. He caught her arm and brought her closer.
"Carter, you know I can't say that."
"I know," he responded. "You don't have to say anything, because I already know. You say it when you whisper my name, when you touch me. That's all I need, Kirsten. I just couldn't leave without telling you the truth. But if we've taken this as far as it can go, I just want you to know that this is enough for me. Just one night with you was worth it. Just to know you the way I do now."
Kirsten dropped her gaze, trying so hard to find the strength to go. "Carter, I will never forget you. But I have to go now." She fought back the tears as they made their return. "Good luck with your new job."
She turned to leave, and this time he didn't try to stop her. He simply followed her to the front door. She turned back to him one last time. He placed his hands gently on her face and brought his lips to hers for a final embrace. She pulled away as a single tear rolled down her cheek. "Goodbye, Carter."
"So long, Kirsten." And with that she turned to leave, not daring to look back. He watched her as she disappeared from sight, and he felt the pain well up in him like a flood. He went to the kitchen, and took a bottle of tequila from the pantry. He made his way to the balcony, where he sat alone. The warmth of the liquor would be the only comfort he would feel tonight.
Kirsten barely made it to her car before the waves hit her. She tried so hard to fight them back. You have no right to feel this way, she told herself. She managed to start making her way back home. She thought about Carter, and the way he looked at her like a piece of his soul had been stolen. She didn't want to leave him, but she knew she couldn't stay.
She arrived home miraculously safe, considering the alcohol and her emotional state. When she passed through the empty kitchen, she noticed there was a message on the machine. There was only one person she could think of that would leave a message tonight.
She pressed the button to listen.
"Honey, it's me. I guess you're already sleeping. I just wanted to check on you and see how you were doing. Me and the boys will be heading back tomorrow evening, and I really want to see you. I want you to know I'm sorry about the fight we had. I just want us to be close again. I love you and I'll see you soon."
She stood with her back pressed to the refrigerator as she listened. The guilt of what she had done choked her. The tears were coming, she could feel them.
She walked to the bathroom and took off her clothes. She turned the shower on, hot as she could stand it. As the water fell over her, she felt her foundation crumbling below her. The tears started flowing and the strength left her legs. She slid down the shower wall until she was crumpled on the floor, the sobs now racking her body. She hugged her knees and buried her face, so ashamed of the infidelity she had committed–not once but twice. She didn't see how Sandy would ever forgive her. But what upset her the most was even while she was feeling remorse, the pain of Carter's departure was mixing with her guilt. It was a lethal combination of hurt that she never thought she would have to endure. As the water continued to bathe her, she wished there was something that could reach into her heart and cleanse it as well.
She stayed in the shower until the last of the hot water was gone. Her composure had returned, at least for now. She toweled off and wrapped herself in Sandy's robe. Walking back to the kitchen, she searched for the substance that would ease her pain. Way in the back of the freezer, she found it. Not even bothering with a glass, she carried the half-empty bottle into the bedroom. Perching on the end of the bed, she looked out the doors overlooking the pool. The tears began to return. She was tired of feeling lonely. She decided feeling nothing would be a better alternative, so she began drinking until the numbness overtook her body. As she was drifting off to sleep, she longed for a chance at ever having a normal life again.