A/N: I don't own Hogan's Heroes and I don't get paid for this; it is truly a labor of love.
"Killer Klink" from Schultz's perspective. Some lines of dialogue from the episode are included.
It wasn't as difficult as Schultz had anticipated to wangle a three-day pass from the Kommandant; no doubt the big shot felt guilty about allowing that Major Kiegel to order Schultz to the Eastern Front. Schultz was even allowed to use the office telephone to contact Gretchen with the good news! And soon it was all arranged: Gretchen would take the train from Heidelberg on Friday and meet Schultz at Luftstalag 13, and then they would travel back to Heidelberg together.
The relief from the threat of the Eastern Front caused Schultz to lower his guard a bit with the prisoners, and that evening he consented to take part in a verboten poker game in Colonel Hogan's quarters. He even deigned to make small talk with them.
Kommandant Klink was always telling the guards to watch what they said in front of the prisoners, although Schultz never really paid any attention to that edict. It was a shame, therefore, that he made an unwary reference to his upcoming leave to Heidelberg during the card game.
He really should have known better, for right after Schultz unexpectedly won the card game, the Colonel dragged him back into his quarters to ask him to deliver a package to Heidelberg!
Of course Schultz had to refuse such an outrageous request. As he told Colonel Hogan, "It would be worth my life!"
Schultz had repeated that phrase many, many times before, though, and it never did him any good. Nor did it do any good tonight. Colonel Hogan proceeded to tell him a silly story about a girl named Liesl, who just happened to live in Heidelberg, at 55 Badenstraße. A ver-r-ry tearjerking story, too; Schultz could have sworn he heard sentimental music in the background. He even found himself wiping away a tear, as the Colonel wistfully suggested that sending flowers to Liesl would assure her of Hogan's undying devotion.
But Schultz didn't believe a word of it. The story was just too corny.
Especially the Colonel's mention of walking with the angelic Liesl under an Edelweiß tree! Schultz chuckled inwardly. He thought that perhaps Colonel Hogan was not too well-informed about the native flora of Germany, so he was inclined to give him benefit of the doubt on that score. Still, it was quite an effective story; perhaps the Colonel should write romance novels in his spare time.
But Schultz was ver-r-ry certain that there was no such person as Liesl, and the Colonel's purpose in sending flowers to Heidelberg could only come under the category of monkey business. There was no sense wasting time trying to argue with the glib-tongued Colonel, though, so he agreed to make the delivery as requested.
He could always dispose of the flowers on his way to Heidelberg, couldn't he?
On Friday, Schultz hummed to himself as he headed toward the front gates on his way to meet his wife. As he rounded the corner of Barracks 2 he was accosted by Colonel Hogan and the little Cockroach. LeBeau had a pot of flowers in his hands to be taken to the lovely Liesl.
Schultz took it, with a little joke about being a man of the world and capable of exerting discretion regarding Hogan's love life. The next moment he spotted Gretchen, who had just been allowed into the compound by the guards at the gate. He hurried over to her and gave her a kiss, right in front of everyone!
Gretchen seemed happy to see him, and she assured him of the children's well-being, and that of Mama, Papa, Onkel Otto and Tante Fritzi too. She asked if he had everything, and he handed her the flowerpot, saying, "Carry this, will you?"
Gretchen said, "How thoughtful!"
And that was where he made his first mistake. He replied, without thinking: "It's not for you."
She gave him a suspicious glance. "Then who?"
"I will explain later, my little dumpling!"
Gretchen ignored that and picked up a little card from among the leaves of the plant. She peered at it and read it aloud.
"To my own little Püppchen, in remembrance of that starry night...Tiger."
She looked up at Schultz, outrage all too evident on her face. "For your girlfriends, you have flowers. For me, your old socks and underwear!"
A ver-r-ry unpleasant discussion ensued, with words such as "overweight Casanova", "tubby", "barrage balloon", and (worst of all) "divorce" being flung about. Colonel Hogan and the Cockroach hurried over and tried to make peace, but to no avail.
And that was where Schultz made his second mistake.
In a rage, he tore up his furlough papers. In response Gretchen thrust the flowerpot back at him and stormed off. Schultz stalked off in the opposite direction, not even bothering to watch her go.
The Colonel and LeBeau followed him, assuring him that Gretchen was crazy about him, and that all great love affairs involved some degree of arguing. Schultz grumbled, but after a few moments he began to have second thoughts and was able to calm down a bit. He turned around to go after his wife, but then stopped in his tracks, remembering.
"My pass, I tore it up! They won't let me leave the camp without furlough papers!"
Going to the Kommandant for replacement papers turned out to be an exercise in futility. Instead of receiving a new three day pass, Schultz was condemned to thirty days of company punishment. Klink was furious that Schultz would have dared to tear up anything with his signature on it, and he told Schultz spitefully: "You are going to be a tired old man before you ever set foot outside this camp again!"
Over the next few days poor Schultz had plenty of time to repent of his hasty actions. As he marched double-time with a full field pack, he thought of all the terrible words he had flung at his dear Gretchen. His devoted wife, who never complained about having to work in a munitions factory, as well as caring for their children! Bitter regret washed over him, and he had to admit to himself that the things she had said to him had some justification.
Yes, he was indeed tubby. And he had been acting like a Casanova, too; poor Maria must still be nursing her broken heart! In the depths of his despair Schultz was forced to acknowledge that he would never have been so angry with Gretchen had he not felt so guilty about his flirtation with Maria.
If only he could see Gretchen and make amends! But the Kommandant had made sure that would never happen. The only respite offered during those days was a visit he was supposed to make to the 13th Army Hospital for a physical exam, and even that came to naught when the hospital was closed by order of der Führer for National Health Week.
So he went to his barracks to sneak in a nap during the time he would have spent at the hospital. And then, a miracle. Colonel Hogan stopped him as he emerged from the barracks, and told him that his furlough had come through after all! Schultz was so excited, he didn't even stop to think how the enemy officer had come by that sort of information.
He even reminded the Colonel about the flowerpot, quite forgetting that it had been the cause of the fateful quarrel in the first place.
"If it isn't too much trouble," Colonel Hogan said.
"I insist," Schultz replied. In the joy of the moment he thought that he might even deliver it, too.