This morning was pretty tough on all of us. Tifa's re-opening popularity faded slowly and stress over money resurfaced.

Marlene was sobbing all morning. Vacation time was over. I could understand her distress. She was still heartbroken, she didn't want to see laughing kids coming to school with their parents. Didn't want to be made to concentrate on studies when her heart was still busy mending. I personally think it'd be good for her, but what do I know about schools? I had never gotten an education. Tifa quit school when her town burnt down and her father died.

Still, Marlene performed admirably, took her backpack and still sobbing, headed out without a word. Tifa walked her there. I know the little wildcat would have liked thinking I won't be here when she gets back, but she would get no such luck. Not until Tifa says so.

Speaking of which, now that she's back in school, do I really need to stay? She'll be taken care of for the better part of the day, and it would return to a regular time, like Cloud is just on delivery. I might ask her about it when she returns.

It feels strange to be here all alone, now. The bar is empty, the house is empty. I've been here over a month now and this is the first time the house has been empty. It feels bigger.

After a few minutes of sitting in this stillness I decide I must do something, so I start cleaning. I've gotten used to it in the last month. I was never much for cleanliness in my life, taking the steps required to be clean for the sake of being clean. This is different. This is cleaning for others. Cleaning so that Tifa doesn't have to and so that her costumers can have a clean environment to drown their sorrows in. I always considered Tifa's a cheerful sort, so I find it a little peculiar that this sombre bar is her choice. She loves helping others. Is a bar honestly helping? People can run away from their problems, but it's no long term solution. It's not one for her, either. It's running her ragged.

What have I been up to the last year and a bit? Well, after the Jenova War and my subsequent mental breakdown I traveled with Cid. Now, you may ask, who in their right mind would travel almost a year with Cid if they appreciated their sanity? I would. I don't have much sanity left, nor is Cid really that bad a person upon closer acquaintance. He and I are what you would call 'friends' now, I guess. He believes in brute honesty, and I learned to respect that.

After our trip with its few adventures I decided to go back to Wutai and try to locate some people I knew. I didn't get very far with it. I didn't know anyone who could even help me start looking. I was thinking of asking for Reeve's help, but the information he would have on Wutai would be minimal. Wutai itself has few records of births and deaths from before the war. Fire and war erased my time from the history books. Now all the people I knew would be categorized as the pre-war Wutains and nothing more will be said about them.

All my friends, family and neighbors reduced to a footnote.

I should be thankful, then, that it was not my fate as well. I guess I should go to Hojo's grave and thank him for letting me survive the worse that could happen to any man: To be forgotten.

Someone once asked me if I could go back, would I have still done things the same way to end up here. My answer was, and is, no. I like it here. This is a good place and I wouldn't have been fortunate enough to meet Tifa and the others.

But… if I had known then what I know now… I would never have had the courage to face that pain all over again. I couldn't. But I've decided a while ago that that sort of thinking will get me no where, and that I must learn to make the best with where I am now.

The bar is a mess.

The floors are scuffed so bad that all the finish is scratched and damage, with residues of alcohol sticking in the scratches. Edge is relatively new, but Tifa had once mentioned that this building was used to house refugees during and after Meteor. It had seen much traffic.

Dirty and clean towels are tossed in a pile on the bar-top. Washed glasses and mugs await their return to the cupboards. Some chairs, now stacked back on the tables are missing some supports on their legs. The tables are dinged and stained with marks that need more than just a wet cloth to remove.

This place needs help.

So I start where I can.

By the time Tifa comes home I would like to believe that the place looked a lot better. Much to my dismay, though, she says 'hi' and proceeds directly to the back of the house.

No comment.

Not even a nod.

I feel my shoulders sag and my anticipation dissipate in an unpleasant way. I didn't do much, but I felt it was noticeable. She's probably pre-occupied, but a part of me had hoped for an acknowledgment of my work. I wanted her to be happy that everything is cleaner now. I had imagined her smile. I shouldn't be so petty. There's something wrong?

"Tifa." I call after her, only to remember that sound-proof door that's soundproof to everybody but me.

I follow after her.

She sitting in the kitchen, looking rather dejected.

"Vincent," She says quietly.

"Mmm?"

"I know you two weren't close, but… were you sad when Barrett died?"

I don't want that question.

I hesitate, hoping she will continue talking. She looks at me, I look at her.

"Well?"

What do I say to that? The truth? Do I lie? I do not want to be a burden on her. I don't want her to worry. I'm here to help.

"Does it matter?" I inquire quietly. I want to avoid this topic.

"Will it kill you to answer a straight answer?" She says with half a smile. She didn't answer my question, but I didn't answer hers, either.

Well, here goes.

"Yes." I choose honestly, still standing by the door. "I was."

She looks at me, looking so sad and tired. She needs to get better. What can I do? I want to see shining eyes again. I want to hear her laughter. I think there's some relief in her eyes that I answered her. Maybe she knows I'm being honest, maybe she's just glad I gave in.

"'I was'? You're not anymore?"

Here I need to be careful,

"Not for him. I am now sympathetic towards Marlene."

"Sympathetic?"

"Correct, I was never close to Barrett. I am sad to see a companion go, but…"

She nods, I don't continue.

"Marlene talked to you." I say instead.

She gives a start.

"Ah, no, no, no. It's just, ah-"

"She talked to you."

"…Yeah. She asked me to tell you to leave."

She shifts in her chair uncomfortably. I can see her brain trying to find a way to make amends.

"Are you going to?" I can't believe how much it hurts to even think...

"What? Holy, no. I'm so sorry about her, Vincent..." The anguish in her face is oddly soothing. Is it wrong to want to feel needed? Is it wrong to feel good that fear for my feelings affects her? I'm selfish.

"It's alright." I interject at the pain she's displaying, "It's alright."

She purses her mouth, clearly displeased with the situation, so I decide to clarify,

"I want her to hate me."

"What? Why on planet would you want that?"

Thinking about how to put it into words is strange. It's something that Cid tried to beat into me. It drove him up the wall when I'd have something to say and not say it. He used to say that if I needed time to phrase myself, then I should just take it. The people who knew me would understand. And the people who didn't know I wouldn't be talking to anyway. So I take my time now, studying appliances that have become so familiar in this smallish kitchen. I do take my time, and Tifa gives me the space I need to form words.

"I want her to blame me for now, for everything." It's difficult to say. My words come slowly, "I want her to be able to throw everything at me. Her anger, her pain… whatever she wants. I want her to know that I would not ever retaliate, nor hurt her. If she'll be happy, then I don't mind."

I internally cringe at that last part. It didn't come out exactly how I meant. She doesn't notice, but a strange, melancholy look washes over her face.

"You're too good to us." She mumbles. I'm not. I'm selfish. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not really to help them at all. Sometimes I'm afraid that a part of me craves this. Not the drama, no, but the feeling of... What's it called? Family? Belonging? I'm selfish. Selfish, to desire being needed by her. Conceited of me to think I can actually help.

"I could say the same."

When she inquires I explain,

"To have invited me to this home, it is kind. I have little back home, and can offer only little help here." Maybe I shouldn't have said it. I don't want her to feel obligated to me. "Holy knows I'm no great conversationalist and provide little in the way of entertainment or food." When Cloud comes back I need to leave without a fuss, because that's all I came here to do.

She smiles at me. I am in heaven. I add,

"Let Marlene think what she will."

"What about me?"

"Hm?"

"Should I think what I want, too?"

I blink at her. What is she talking about?

"Are you putting up a face, just to help me?"

My mouth opens to answer, but I have nothing to say. What answer does she expect?

"I'm here to help." I quip. She doesn't seem anymore satisfied with that answer than I am. She changes the subject,

"Cloud said it was sabotage at the oil fields."

"Oh? Any leads?" Perhaps I should press her on the previous topic, but I'm finding myself a little apprehensive. What is it she seeks from me? I don't understand. I am what I am. To ask me what I am would be akin to asking me what color the back of my eyes is. I cannot see myself. What must I seem to her?

"Yeah," Her voice is heavy, but she masks it well, "Apparently some dissidents who don't appreciate the sacrifices of leaving Mako energy. He's tracking down their hideout."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

The conversation tapers off at that point.

Maybe Tifa doesn't know who I am, but how can two people really know each other? By growing together.

By seeing people in their worse, in their best and also in their calm. What we have right now is not even companionship, we don't have time to talk to each other enough for that. We're either busy with Marlene, or she's busy with the bar.

Cid and I... I guess he does know me better than she does. We had traveled. I had seen him in some rough spots, and he would deliberately irritate me to "see what it was like to piss of Vincent without being eaten".

During the Jenova War Tifa and I would speak very little. It was only in the celebration afterwards that I've learned more about her, and she about me. Isn't that strange? I trusted her with my life in combat, and would have thrown away my life for her, but I hardly knew her. Now that I've grown to know her better nothing seems certain anymore. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? She was the only one amongst the group to see me without my cape during the war. She would tend to me. I remember she would talk to me about whatever it was she was thinking. Making conversation more than anything. I would rarely reply, if at all. Heck, I barely even listened. Now I wish I had paid more attention. How was I to know where things would take me?

I wish I knew her better to know where I stand, what she thinks of me. I wish I could be comfortable with myself enough to not dread going back to the solitude of Wutai.

I'm here to help. Not the other way around.

We're not in any sort of relationship. This is plain and simple a mutual benefit situation of two professionals.

I can't be here for anything else.

I'm just here until Cloud comes back. Even if I've been here a month, I can't think anything else.

He should be back soon.

Cloud, please get back before I get attached. It'll hurt too much if you take your time.

Thanks to all of you who have been following this so far! It's a blast to write. I hope you enjoy each chapter as it comes out. I have a lot of ideas for scenes, and I'm trying to include as many of them as I can find beneficial to the story. I mean, it's about day-to-day living, so I want to show bad, good and everything in between. Don't worry, soon things will start changing, I hope! It can't stay depressing forever, eventually people who have lost move on.

Question for all you readers: what is your opinion about the current state of Tifa's relationship with Cloud? They're technically 'together', but do you think that Vincent's staying there is 'cheating'? Even if they are just friends... I wanted to know what the general opinion about this was, to decide how to continue and grow the story.

Argh. If you see a proliferation of spelling mistakes it's because I've been transferring between Open Office on the laptop and Word on the desktop, so it really messes up the spellchecker. I'll do my best to find those pesky mistakes and clear them off!

Added to Forever thanks:

KenYasha and happie-day! Thank you, you two, and thank you all that continue to review. It's like little, happy rewards for my work and it makes me a happy, happy camper!

Feel free to ask questions in the reviews, if you're wondering about something, and remind me if I forget to answer! Also, if there are any suggestions about the story, I will not think them too audacious, although I can't promise to use them. ^_^

Thanks! Hopefully see you early or really late Saturday.

Ever yours,

LunarBlade.