Fast Forward
Welcome to the final chapter. That's right, this is the end. It might seem sudden to some of you, but this is what I intended to do. I mentioned at the end of Chapter 3 that I was going to end this shortly after Traverse Town; I hadn't intended to cover any worlds aside from Destiny Islands and Traverse Town at all, but a lot of these jokes fit better in the worlds they ended up in, than they would have if I had forced them into the two that were covered. Sorry if that disappoints you, but it was always my intention to quit while I'm ahead, before this devolves to subsisting entirely on fart jokes.
I also hadn't intended for this to be a full-length chapter, so much as a resting place for all the jokes I couldn't use in the rest of it, but the bit with Merlin at the beginning evolved into something too complex to just contain in snippets, so instead you get this. After said bit with Merlin, we're cutting to a 'fast forward' segment, where every world will be summed up with just a few sentences, or a few paragraphs, in the case of those that require more than just a one-sentence set up for a punchline.
On the off-chance you're concerned, Sora hasn't actually snapped, it's just a convenient set of circumstances designed to appear that way to the onlookers.
Traverse Town - First District
Sora has finally acquired his first spell, and is eager to try it out.
"Fire!" he shouts, casting the spell that Donald had recently taught him.
"Fire!" he says again.
"Fire!" a third time.
"Sora," Donald said, "you don't need to say it every time you cast it. That's going to get annoying."
"I know," Sora responded, excitedly, "I finally have magic, though. Take that, stupid voices!"
"Voices?" Donald asked.
"Oh, yeah. There were these voices in my head, and these floating black boxes, and they told me I didn't have any magic, that it was a mystery to me," Sora said, sounding mildly hysterical, "Well now, who's casting, ha-ha! Stupid voices! Fire! Fire! Burn!"
"Donald," Goofy said, somewhat hesitantly, "are you sure it was a good idea to teach him that? ...Donald?"
"Burn, motherf***er!" Donald shouted, having already forgotten the conversation, and joining Sora in blasting fire everywhere.
Sora and Donald ran riot through Traverse Town, flinging fire at everything. Fortunately, most of the town had been fireproofed some time ago as a preventive measure against Tellah's drunken spell-casting.
Their fiery rampage eventually took them to the Third District, where they accidentally cast Fire on a strange red door with a giant flame on it. At this point, Sora's excitement had calmed considerably, but Donald's pyromania was still going strong, so when the fire caused the door to unlock, Donald proceeded through it, looking for more things to burn. Much to his disappointment, the only thing behind the door was a dilapidated stone house, and a lot of water, so nothing that would burn. Donald lost interest and wanted to go off somewhere else, but Sora wanted to check out the house, and he's the protagonist.
The party eventually managed to get over there, and found the front door to be inaccessible. They walked around to the side, and entered through a hole in the house, since private property and trespassing are apparently entirely alien concepts to Sora.
An Empty Room
Sora walked around the empty, circular room, looking for any sign of its purpose, until suddenly, a heavily eerie atmosphere fell over the place. He knew what this meant; he had felt it his entire life. Somehow, even though he was in another world, his nightmare had followed him here. He had thought himself safe after the events on his island, and wanted to believe that she wasn't real in the earlier battle against the giant Heartless, but it was irrefutable now. He turned around slowly. He knew exactly what to expect, but there would probably never be a time that it didn't scare him.
"Boo," she said. Sora yelped and lunged for the farthest wall, desperately scrabbling away from Kairi. He looked around for Donald and Goofy, in the hopes that they could somehow help him, but they were nowhere to be found.
"How did you follow me here?" he demanded looking straight at her, "Why won't you leave me alone? And what did you do with Donald and Goofy?"
Donald and Goofy watched on as Sora ranted at nothing. He pointed accusingly at the air, and demanded to know what it had done with them, though they were right there looking at him.
"Are you sure we need him?" Goofy asked.
"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?" demanded a voice from behind Donald and Goofy.
The two turned around to find a familiar old man; the same one who had swiped the accessory that the giant Heartless had dropped when it disappeared.
"Are you cops? You better not be cops; you don't have a warrant. I keep telling you people, I didn't steal anything. I found all of that stuff and you can't prove- ...Oh, it's just you three." he said, upon seeing them,"I've been expecting you."
"How did you know we'd be here?" Goofy asked, as Donald contemplated the best way to set the man's beard on fire without getting caught.
"I found a magic crystal ball in some mansion," the man responded, "it had an annoying talking head in it, but I fixed that. Anyway, your king hired me to help you train your magic and...what's wrong with him?" asked the man, gesturing to Sora, who was huddled into a ball at the far edge of the room.
"He's-" Goofy started, but was interrupted by Donald casting a spell on Sora.
"Benzo-" Donald said, gesturing with his staff,"-diazepine!"
A dart shot from his staff, and hit Sora in the neck. Shortly after, Sora drifted off to sleep.
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Some time later
Sora awoke on the floor of the once-barren circular room. It was now furnished and decorated; a bed, cupboards, a carpet and table, the works.
"Wait...wasn't this place empty when I walked in?" Sora asked no one in particular. He spied Donald and Goofy, along with some old man, sitting at the table in the center of the room, playing cards or something, and attempted to rise to speak with them. Whoever or whatever had decorated this room, though, had done so with no regard for what was there prior, as Sora now found himself embedded in a pile of books that seemed to hold him quite well. With considerable trouble, he eventually managed to free himself, but lost his balance and tumbled over, shifting a small carriage thing that appeared to be made of plant matter.
Upon being disturbed, blue sparkles gathered around the carriage, and it changed shape into a humanoid figure.
"Where am I? Who are you? Where's Cinderella?" asked the figure. This caught the old man's attention, and he came over to investigate.
"Who is this, now?" he asked.
"I don't know! I just saw a small carriage thing, and when I nudged it, it turned into her!"
The woman peered intently at the old man for a moment, before her face showed recognition.
"I know you," she said, "you were sneaking around Cinderella's home, stealing things! You must have swiped the carriage that I transformed into to wait for her!"
"I didn't steal anything!"
"Then where did all of this come from?"
"I...found it. When I was traveling. That's not important," the man hastily responded, and turned to Sora "I am Merlin, and I am here to help you practice your magic."
"How are you going to do that?" Sora asked.
"I found some old furniture in a castle. You can use it as targets."
More time later
"Now let's see..." Merlin said to himself, looking at a map of worlds with keyholes not yet sealed, "USG Ishimura, Raccoon City...ooh, Silent Hill."
Behind him, a piece of the ceiling dislodged, and began levitating slowly downward, revealing first a pair of absurdly large shoes, then the entirety of Sora. His eyes were wide open and his mouth was set into a thin line. After some time, the trapezoidal platform that came from the ceiling set itself down on the floor, and Sora moved off it. He walked stiffly over to Merlin and spoke,
"Where did you say you got that furniture from, again?"
"I found it when I was traveling, why?"
Flashback to a few minutes ago
Sora stood, Keyblade at the ready, prepared to test his skills. The furniture appeared in a brief flash of light, and Sora snapped off a fire spell at the first piece.
"Be...our...guest, be our gue- Ahhhh! Ahhhh! It burns! Someone help!" the furniture screamed, as it frantically levitated about the room.
Sora panicked, and tried to find anything he could to put it out. There was no water around, and there was only one other spell that he remembered hearing.
"Uh...um...Petrol-ga."
Naturally, this only caused the fire to spread to other pieces, and the furniture continued to scream-
"Please for the love of God, someone help me!"
"Why am I burning?! I'm made of brass!"
-as such until they finally disappeared.
"Oh, sweet release of death..."
"Tell my wife I..."
Then, with a flash, they reappeared.
"No! No, please!"
"God, why?!"
I didn't know furniture could sob.
The Present
"...No reason." Sora told Merlin.
"Did you want to go back and practice more?" Merlin asked.
"No!" Sora said, vehemently.
"Okay," Merlin responded, wary, "Well, anyway. Here's the first place you need to go. It's called 'Yharnam'."
"Sounds easy," Sora said.
Fast Forward
Wonderland
Card people, Donald's two favorite things to set on fire, combined into one.
To be fair, though, anything would be his favorite thing to set on fire, so long as it's combined with a person.
Deep Jungle
"*&&X%" Tarzan says.
"What's *&&X%?" Sora asks.
"Nothing much. What's up with you?" Tarzan responds.
"...I hope you get shot."
Traverse Town again
"What did you do to Cloud?" Sora asks Leon.
"Why?" Leon asks.
Flashback to Olympus Coliseum
""Brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown!" Cloud yells, chasing Sora around, impractically large sword at the ready.
"For the love of God, someone help me!" Sora shouts, frantically running.
"You can't interfere with the games," the small faun man says, "It's the rules."
"This is the lobby!" Sora yells.
"Brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown!"*
Back to Traverse Town again
I was going to make Sora fight the man-eating plant monster in Cid's basement, but by the time Sora and company got down there, Wakka was already smoking it, so I guess we'll just do another Guard Armor fight. But this time it does a handstand and that makes it more powerful...somehow.
Nanomachines, son.
After the Battle
"Here, bring this book to Merlin," Cid says, handing Sora a book labelled "The Complete, Unabridged, and Uncensored Works of Edgar Allan Poe".
Agrabah
"Genie, I wish... for nipples!"**
Monstro
Wait. That says "Nostromo". My mistake.
Innsmou... I mean Atlanti... No, screw it, it's Innsmouth
Upon arriving at this new world, and realizing that it is entirely submerged in water, Donald decides to use his magic to transform the party, then, after this world is complete, never again do anything of the sort with his magic, and just go back to shooting fireballs for some reason. He transforms Goofy into a turtle, himself into an "Oh, God, kill it with fire", and Sora into a half-dolphin-thing. Unfortunately, just as Donald isn't the court physicist of Disney World, he also isn't the court marine biologist, so he probably doesn't know that dolphins can't breathe underwater. This, of course, completely defeats the purpose of transforming Sora at all, as he still begins drowning upon touching down in this world.
None of that matters though, since as soon as they landed, they were mobbed by fish-esque humanoid creatures, and Donald once again proved that he is not the court physicist by casting Thundaga in an attempt to fend them off.
Hot Topic Town
"Let's take these monsters that are capable of nothing but death and destruction, that have devoured the hearts of whole populations, and destroyed countless worlds, and let's make them dance! Nothing could possibly go wrong, right?"
Never Never Land
"Hey there!" says a suspicious looking boy in green felt clothes, "My name is Peter Pan."
"And this is my flying fairy friend, Chloroform Bell," he continues, running in a circle, waving a brown glass bottle above his head, and making swishing noises.
"I break into people's houses in the middle of the night, then kidnap their children with promises of a magic land where they can fly, and they'll never get older. Would you like to come with me?"
"No, thank you. I think I'll just-"
"I cut a man's hand off and fed it to a crocodile!" the boy says with a painfully wide smile.
Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you?!
"You want me to tell you what makes the red man red?" he asked, drawing a dagger from his belt, "I do!"
Florida
"I don't like this place! Nothing makes sense here!" Sora yells, running, terrified, from a naked man brandishing a large fish, "I wanna go back to Lordran!"
Hollow Bastion
"Now," says AnsemRikuTerraNort, "I'll stab you with this Keyblade made of plot convenience and release the heart of the final princess of light, whose heart can consist of nothing but light. No darkness whatsoever."
He sticks the blade right into Sora's chest. Sora, whose nerves had long been deadened to any sort of pain, from the constant torture that he had endured to get to this point, didn't even really feel it, but it looked like this guy had put a lot of time and effort into this plan, and Sora didn't want him to feel as though he had wasted all of that, so he gave an unenthusiastic "Ouch", as the blade connected.
"Now the final princess of heart is free, and the light in her heart can- wait, what's that?" he asks, as wispy shadows emerge from the point of contact on Sora and coalesce into a portal, from which more shadows fall, and form into a giant, shadowy hand that wraps around TerraRikuAnsemNort's legs, pulling them out from under him.
"Aghhhhhh! Help! Someone help me!" he screams, clawing at the ground in vain as the giant, shadowy hand slowly pulls him into the portal while ominous laughter that only he and Sora can hear, occurs all around them. Then, AnsemTerraRikuNort disappears into the portal with a subdued pop, and Kairi, appeased for the moment with her new toy, elects to grant Sora a reprieve for a short while.
Also, Mansex is there with his dual not-lightsabers, because Disney didn't own Star Wars at the time that battle had been made.
Back to the Coliseum for the obligatory Sephiroth battle
Rammstein
Ein Mensch brennt
Wait, wrong background music.
End of the World
"I am Chernobog, lord of Bald Mountain," says an extremely large, imposing, humanoid creature with horns on its head, and large bat wings on its back.
"What is a weak and pathetic mortal like you doing in-" it pauses and looks closely at Sora. "-Oh, God, not you again!" It screeches, and retreats frantically into the sky, allowing Sora to continue unhindered.
Some time later, after the final battle with Ansem Jack
"Burn..." said the giant Heartless Ansem, sporting wide, bloodshot eyes, clawing at his own face, and trembling uncontrollably, "Everything must burn!"
"What did you do to him?" Sora asked Kairi.
"Have you ever seen 'A Clockwork Orange'?" she asked in turn.
"No." Sora responded.
"That's okay, everyone who matters probably understood." she says, and Sora briefly wonders who "everyone who matters" is, "it was like that, except I googled 'Kingdom Hearts' and 'Yaoi'-"
"Hey!" said Sora, just now getting the slight.
"-and turned Safe Search off."
"Burn to ashes... All of existence!" Ansem says, deliriously. He reaches out to the giant door not far from where the fight went on, "Kingdom Hearts, fill me with the... Oh, God," Ansem says, recoiling, as he flashes back, upon hearing his own words.
The giant doors open, and wispy smoke comes wafting out.
"Does anyone else smell bread?" Sora asks.
The smoke pouring out begins to slow, and light shines through the crack in the door, shining on Ansem and burning him away.
"Or that," Ansem shudders out, as he slowly disappears, "that works, too."
Sora approaches the door, to begin closing it, and what he sees behind the door sends him reeling,
"Oh, my God. It's... it's," he pauses for dramatic effect, "Kingdom Hearts is...hoagies?"
Peeking further inside, Sora sees an uncomfortably large mouse, scurrying about and nibbling on all the bread. Donald and Goofy look in as well, and shout excitedly when they realize that it's their king.
"Your majesty," says one of them, it's not really important who at this point, is it?
"Donald? Goofy?" the Rodent of Unusual Size asks. "Why are you here?"
"The queen sent us to find you."
"You...left Minnie alone there?"
"She ordered us to. Is that a problem?"
Disney World
The queen looked on from the balcony of her castle, which had been converted, using Gummi technology, to a giant, quadruped siege machine that roamed the world, raining fire from the sky onto the heads of the worthless peasants below, spreading, consuming, purging the world of their ilk. Their screams were music to her ears. She drops the skull she was carrying for dramatic effect and crushes it beneath whatever footwear she has on, laughing maniacally.
"Sing, you worthless mongrels! Sing the praises of the new god of this world!" she shouts over the mechanical grinding of her divine imperial palace, as it moves through the dusty wasteland, pursuing a small band of escapees from the internment camps.
The End of the World. Probably a safer place to be right now.
"No, no problem at all!" Mickey said with an alarming amount of haste, "I just realized that I have to uh... stay on this side of the door because...um, it needs to be sealed on both sides! Yeah! That's it!"
"Really? Well, okay."
"Hurry up and shut the door so we can seal it," the king said, hurriedly, and the party complied, rushing outside of the door and pushing it shut. Sora pointed the Keyblade at it, and a beam of light shot forward, hitting the door, as the king did the same thing on the other side.
Once the door was shut, stuff happened with Sora and company, but the camera crew got stuck on the side with Mickey, so instead we get to see him drop the replica Keyblade that he stole from Hot Topic Town on one of his drunken escapades, and the light that he used to produce the beam that made Sora and company think it was real. He settled down atop one of the loaves and sighed contentedly.
"There's enough bread here to keep me fed for the rest of my life, and there's no way Minnie will ever find me in here," Mickey noted, sure that he was safe.
But was he really?
END
*I normally try not to point out where references come from, since that could detract from the humor, but I can't be sure that everyone knows this one. It's a video made using footage from Dissidia: Final Fantasy, and it's called 'Final Fantasy Machinima: Real Men'. That's also where the 'Only real men beat up a helpless child' bit came from. It has comparatively dull parts, and the way the characters 'speak' isn't the funniest, but overall, I think it's worth checking out if you find yourself with 7-or-so minutes to spare.
**Aladdin's character model in the animated movie has no nipples.
I was originally going to have the carriage turn into a face down Fairy Godmother, whereupon Sora would squeal, drawing the attention of Merlin, who would reveal that he 'found' it in another world and didn't realize that he was sticking a person into his bag, which is a vacuum. Then he would recruit the party's help in rolling the body out of the house and into the moat surrounding it, before the Fairy Godmother would be 'recast', with Christopher Walken, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone playing the replacement. That seemed a little too dark a note to end on, but I leave it here to explain why the bit with the Fairy Godmother probably felt more disjointed than the rest; because it was changed at the last minute, and the rest of the narrative around it was jigsaw-puzzled into something that is technically cohesive.