Chapter Seven
Water on Stone Erik
I cannot help but look at Jo as she sits wearing what normally would be a very circumspect night attire. For the life of me I am not able to keep her in that innocent light. I should have foreseen how difficult this would be the day we wed. Looking as she had I should have known that image of her would be burned into my brain. At times I get a glimpse of something in her eyes that leads me to believe not all is innocent that goes on in her mind either. I won't act on my supposition just in case I am reading things into the situation that are not there. That had happened before and led to terrible actions on my part.
God in heaven this woman intends to kill me with kindness. Nothing has gone as I thought it would when I locked my bedroom door. I foresaw her coming to my room that first night in order to wish me a good-night and to inquire if I needed anything before she retired. My plan had been to pretend to have fallen asleep. The first rattle of the knob and I nearly bolted from the bed I was so tense with expectation. Later when I could reflect on my actions more objectively it occurred to me that if I had merely been falling asleep I would not have locked the door. That wooden barrier had been my silent way of putting up an extra wall between me and Jo. I don't trust myself around her and I have found over the last three days that there is good reason for me to worry.
Without being overly heavy-handed I have tried my best to be polite just as I always was but with an added distance in my interaction with her. She is either less intelligent than I gave her credit for or she is foiling me at every turn on purpose. Without my permission she fetched my slippers from my own bedroom at my house. Daily things show up that used to reside in my home. If this continues my reasonable explanation to stay here until I can get around better will be all for nothing. All of my belongings will have ended up here leaving my home barren of any comforts.
I had thought I'd delay my recovery just long enough that when I could manage by myself I then would suggest we part company, at least as man and wife. Now Jo has been slowly moving me into her home without so much as a by-your-leave. I do like having my things around me especially my music sheets, pen and ink. Suddenly my mind is humming with so many different tunes. I find myself humming and drumming my fingers in rhythm with whatever music is inside my head at the time. If this continues I'll have no need to worry about an excuse not to move them into my home for I shall be the moving.
Where Jo found such alluring nightclothes I can't begin to imagine. Surely she has never worn anything so feminine in her life other than that dress to church and her borrowed wedding gown. Maybe she kept them buried at the bottom of a trunk just waiting for an opportunity to wear them so as to drive a man insane. All but her hands, head and feet are covered. There is not one speck of color on the cotton gown but for the life of me I can't drive the image of her out of my mind as hard as I try. Christine wore less when on stage for certain when I brought her to my home under the opera house that first time. What Jo does to me covered from chin to ankles, is incomprehensible. Just to see her toes peeking out from under the hem has me hardening at the most inconvenient times. When had feet become so erotic? When she curls her toes it is all I can do to refrain from groaning in frustration.
When we are together I recite poems, complicated mathematical equations and anything else I can think of to take my focus off of her. If I did not know for certain she would not lead a man on in this way I could put the blame for my torment on her. It is I who have thoughts not fit to air in the open. It is my mind that conjures up all manner of situations where we are not circumspect in any sense of the word. Her innocent smiles nearly drive me to the liquor cabinet on a daily basis. Something has to change or I'll do something regrettable. Here I am a married man living in a home as I always wanted and I am more miserable than ever. This situation is too much like dangling riches before a reformed thief. Sooner or later he will snatch at the treasure before him and damn the consequences. I feel I am like that thief. I am about to tear down my own walls and lay claim to that which by God and man's law are mine to do with as I choose. Only Charlie's good opinion of me has kept my lustful imaginings from manifesting into reality.
At this moment we are gathered around the fire with the children sitting at our feet waiting expectantly for one of my stories. If anyone would have told me I would be doing anything so normal as to recite stories to a young boy and girl while my wife sits at my side smiling for all the world as if she would rather be no other place, well, I would have thought they were mocking me and likely killed them and yet here I am doing exactly that.
"Papa Erik tell us the one about the char girl who ends up with her prince. You know, Cinderella." With Amanda looking up at me with such a look of pure admiration and dare I say it, love for me, it slipped my notice what she had called me for a few moments. Before I can say anything and indeed I find myself tongue tied, Jason pipes up with his opinion of his sister's choice of story and what she called me.
"Amanda, can't you get anything right? You were supposed to call him Papa, not Papa Erik. What father wants to be called by his name? Sometimes I forget you are still a baby. Speaking of babies, only babies want to hear stories about stupid old princesses and yucky old love." He bats his eyes and waggles his head in a silly round motion on the last word so as to express his opinion of that emotion.
I look to Jo for help but as her eyes are glittering with unshed tears there will be no help from that quarter. I am on my own to wade through these choppy waters. Never would I believe to hear anyone address me as Papa or anything else that is used to refer to fatherhood. It is for damn sure I had thought I would never be a father yet here a child is ready to adopt me as such. When she gets to her feet and crawls up onto my lap I feel my chest tighten and my throat begin to clog with unshed tears. I cannot give into shameful tears, not now when this young impressionable child has just given me something so precious as her complete trust.
Clearing my throat I say gruffly as I stroke Amanda's soft hair, "She may call me Papa Erik if that is what she prefers and stories of love are never as you say "yucky". I am here to inform you that even pirates have found time for romance as do many of the lawless in your own country such as Jesse and Frank James. It would serve you well to remember that behind every great man there is a good woman." Can I help it if at that moment my glance turns to Jo and we look for long moments into one another's eyes?
"Papa Erik, I mean Papa, I would rather call you Papa but I didn't want you to think you had to say yes." Amanda's head is now resting over my heart and I am feeling such warmth as I have never felt before. So this is what it feels like when someone loves you. Not to be outdone Jason comes to lean against my leg. Of course he is so much more mature at six than Amanda's childish five that he has to remain somewhat nonchalant about the whole business of love and how to express it. I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around them both and hold on until my arms will not hold them any longer. I settle for a quick firm hug.
"So Papa, about those pirates and love, how does that work? Aren't they out at sea keel hauling stuff and making men walk the plank? How'd they make time for mushy stuff?"
Jason and Amanda exchange a brother and sister private exchange. I have a feeling that this evening had been discussed and planned between the two of them in great detail except for how to address me. As siblings do they had different ideas and so used both giving me the responsibility for choosing which I preferred. My life would be complete if…but no I shan't be greedy. This life I have now is more than I ever had or expected. I shall enjoy what I have while I have it. Too soon it will be ripped from my grasp. I don't want it to end but end it must. I cannot live much longer wanting Jo so badly and not having her. I went through hell once because of a woman and had less connecting us than I have with Jo.
To appease both Jason and Amanda I meshed the two stories together. Where this new talent for telling of children's stories comes from doesn't matter, what matters is I do have it and can connect on their level in this way. If I believed Jo would keep the children from me after we part there would not be any question of me getting closer to them. As it is I still must keep some small part of myself locked away or risk pain such as I never want to experience again. This would be far worse than what happened in Paris as with Jo there is nothing but my own insecurities keeping me from chancing getting closer to her.
At the end of the story Jo sends the children to wash their faces and brush their teeth. She'll go up to tuck them in after a few minutes. For three nights I have waited to be asked to join her but no invitation has been forthcoming. I could ask but that seems too much like begging for a crumb.
Jo stands up and stretches giving me a good view of her womanly form. If so much as the hem of her pristine white gown touches me I'll not be responsible for what happens next. For three nights I have felt a storm brewing inside of me and there must be some outlet to relieve me or I shall explode. I expect her to say her usual good-night then leave me here to suffer through my frustrations alone.
"Well are you going to sit there all night like a log? They'll be waiting for us to come up. I expected them to ask you first about whether you would like to take on the roll of father but I guess they thought they would spring it on you so you had little choice. I hope they didn't make you think you had to tell them you wanted to be called Papa. It may interest you to know that they called their own father Papa. Whether you know it or not it says a lot about how they feel about you."
After she asked me to accompany upstairs the rest of what she said sort of became a vague hum in my ears. With great effort on my part I managed to take in most of what she said.
"I am honored they think of me as someone worthy to stand in for their father. I know I can't replace him and I wouldn't try. What I can do is try to do my best to influence them positively and teach them all I know." There is a voice inside my head telling me that if she knew half what I had done in my past she'd toss me out into the snow and barricade the doors. This is a real chance for me to redeem myself. If I can contribute to making Jason and Amanda the best adults they can be then in some small way I will have made amends for a few of my sins.
Reaching out I let Jo help pull me to my feet. Unsteadily I stagger into her. Grabbing her around the waist and pulling her against me is not one of my more intelligent moves. With her pressed so closely to me I can feel every breath she takes and every beat of her heart. She must also feel mine as it is pounding heavily against the inner wall of my chest. Her hands resting gently on me feel like weights pressing down on me as it becomes harder to breath normally. Before I can stop what I am about to do my head is lowering toward hers and I do not stop until I feel her soft mouth under mine. The inner beast in me wants to crush her lips with mine and lay my claim to her but some still working part that is not influenced by lust gives me the strength to only taste her with soft sweeps of my tongue across hers then I capture her lips more fully but still with tenderly caressing movements. It is Jo who puts a stop to this testing of my will by wrapping her arms around my neck and opening her mouth to allow my tongue to swoop in and freely explore the inner recesses of her sweetness.
Jo is not the sort of woman who would tease a man so cruelly if she did not intend for it to go further. She would not offer herself unless it meant more than mere physical release. As badly as I want to take all she appears to be offering me I know I must call a halt to this before it is beyond the point of no return which in my case will be in just a few scant seconds. We could take this to the obvious conclusion and perhaps have regrets later or we can part now with the understanding that we, I, will be pursuing this at a later date.
"Jo we must stop." I place my finger on her lips as my forehead rests against hers. Inhaling deeply to aid in my own recovery of my over stimulated senses I then continue, "Just for now. I am certain of what I want but before I do anything that cannot be undone we must think long and hard about this. There are things about me you must know if you are going to make such an irrevocable commitment. If you are still of the same mind afterward then…well until then please do not tempt me to toss my good intentions to the wayside. I fear my resistance to you is not what I would like for it to be."
Clear blue sapphires glisten up at me reflecting the light in the room. What I see in those deep blue depths is what I have longed for all of my life. Lest it is my own desires having me see things that are not real I will hold fast to my convictions. It may cripple me physically and mentally but if we share the most intimate of embraces I will know without doubt it is what she wants and not just some altruistic gesture on her part. The warmth of her hands wrapped around my wrists settles the matter as to whether I am dreaming this whole encounter. She is as real as I am.
"We shall do as you want Erik but know that I won't go back to being only occupants in the same house. We will treat one another as married people do. I want us to share a marriage bed but if you ask me to wait to give me time to think about it, then it is you who has doubts, not me. Make no mistake Erik, I want you, I have for quite some time. As you say we don't know one another very well. I should like to hear about your life and if it is something terrible please know that I will not judge by only your past but by your present. Uncle Charlie trusted you implicitly or he would not have invited you into our home. He would not have asked for you to keep an eye on me and the children. He entrusted his most valuable assets to you. For me that says a lot about who you are now. I don't care about something that happened thousands of miles from here. It is done and must be faced. Just believe that I will be with you to face everything. You are no longer alone Erik. You have family. Me, Jason and Amanda are your family."
Her words rang in my ears long after she had gone. So completely had she disarmed me I took no notice she had left me. The fire popping and crackling drew my attention just as a spark flew out burning a hole in my pant leg. If I didn't snap out of this the whole house may well go up in a blaze. Grabbing the poker I stir the hot coals until they spread out over the bottom. I add some wood for the night without really thinking of what I am doing. All my attention is on what Jo said just as she left, well that and the closeness we shared and her promise of more to come. Bending down I place the fire screen in front of the now roaring fire. The heat from it is no less than the heat in my loins. Where I had learned how to deal with such delicate matters is a mystery. Perhaps this sensual side of me that had been awakened by Christine had now matured into an adult man's emotions. I did not feel crazed or possessive to the point of murder, of course there is no one here vying for Jo's affections and therefore I will not be put to the test. It is my hope that maturity will keep me on the path to sanity.
Only for a moment do I hesitate outside Jo's bedroom door. It would be so easy to give in to my inclination to bed her and to hell with tomorrow. That is not what I want at all. I want everything, the peace, love and sense of belonging that comes with family. God must believe in me or why would he entrust three innocents into my potentially dangerous hands?
I have a chance to obtain it all and I will do everything within my power to achieve keeping it all.