Authors Notes:
Disclaimer: I do not own Skins or the characters mentioned in the story.
Rating: I'll go with M (Just incase) for swearing, drug use, some violence.
Pairing: Naomi and Emily.
Genre: A mix between hurt, discomfort and drama and stupidity on Naomi's part.
The Darkness That Follows
Part VII
I had frightened Emily the other night because I couldn't keep my big fucking mouth shut. I felt flat, depressed and hadn't experience genuine happiness for so long, everything just felt so hopeless I couldn't help but blabber on like an absolute idiot. I still feel like that now to be honest. I don't want to live like this anymore and I try not too the PROPER way but I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. One that I can't seem to get out of no matter how hard I fucking try. How could I possibly look forward to the future? There was nothing to fucking look forward to. Except for Emily… but still, I can't help the way I feel. I mean, I have never tried to kill myself; it's only ever been a thought, a constant thought ALWAYS playing on my mind. I didn't mean to blurt it out last night, but I was an emotional wreck. Now Emily thinks the minute she turns her back I'm going to open a vein or purposely OD. She insists that she's in the room every time I jack up to make sure I don't exceed the required dosage... I don't think I could do it; well honestly I'm not sure. I know I have the balls to do it, and sometimes I really want to just get it over with but there is something that always holds me back. I haven't quite figured out what that something is exactly but there is a little part of me that's thankful that its there. Whatever it may be… I'm just so sick and fucking tired of feeling miserable all the fucking time and having to use drugs so I don't get sick. It sounds like I'm being weak or attempting to take the coward's way out. That's not the case. People can only take so much in life, some are just stronger than others but you'll never know what it's like to be so depressed that you just want to stop breathing, to stop fuck-ing feeling. A lot of people say 'What? I'm depressed and I don't want to kill myself'. Yeah well you may THINK your depressed but you're definitely not… maybe a little sad, but you sure as fuck haven't hit rock bottom. Even when you think you have, there's another 1000 foot drop before you actually hit it. When you get to that level, then you can come back and talk to me… I'm not going to do it because I know eventually this feeling will pass. I'm just feeling really fucking low at the moment and it fucking sucks.
"Naoms, what are you doing in there?"
KNOCK KNOCK
"NAOMI, I told you not to lock the fucking door. NAOMI."
I opened the door and what was looking back at me was a very distraught looking Emily.
"S…Sorry, I forgot."
She took a few deep breaths to calm the rage that had swept through her before she spoke.
"What were you doing?"
"Nothing." I mumbled.
She placed her hands on her hips frowning.
"Nothing huh? So why did you feel the need to lock the door then?"
I shrugged my shoulders "I dunno, habit I guess."
Her face turned bright red as she went to explode. She knew exactly what I was doing. It was far too obvious not to notice.
"Ems, chillax babe, she didn't mean it yeah… easy mistake to make." Katie said coming to my rescue. "She won't do it again." She turned to face me with her eyebrow cocked. "Isn't that right Naomi?"
"Yeah… Yeah, I'm sorry won't happen again." I replied.
I walked into our bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed to tie up my laces. I was having a bit of trouble. I upped my dosage just a tiny little bit in hopes of feeling some sort of pleasure. It worked, but it wouldn't take long before I'd have to up it more to get that same desired effect, but I'm not going to stress about that right now. I could hear Emily yelling at Katie and telling her to butt the fuck out of it before I heard her stomp her way down the stairs in a fury. Katie stood in the door way.
"Naoms, where are you going?" She asked as she closed the bedroom door.
"I just gotta go…FUCKING CUNT." I screamed at my shoes.
"Fuck sake, calm down. Here, I'll do it." Katie replied kneeling down to tie my laces.
"Thank you."
"So… where are you going?"
"I gotta do something…" I replied still annoyed at my inability to tie a fucking lace.
"That's not what I asked you."
"Fuck Katie. What? Can't I even leave my own fucking house now?"
"No… no you can't."
"Fuck off."
Katie finished up with my laces and stood up. She was glaring at me.
"WHAT?" I spat.
"How long are you going to be?"
"Is this 20 fucking questions or something?"
She reached towards me and grabbed my fucking ear if you can believe that and twisted the fuck out of it.
"AHHHHHH fuck sake."
"How long?"
"OKAY, okay, couple of hours. Jesus."
She paused for a moment.
"I'm assuming that you're going to get rid of what's left yeah?"
"What?" I replied.
"The smack… you're getting rid of it, ya know, because you want to be with my sister."
The conversation between Emily and I was replaying in my head.
"Uh yeah, yeah of course." I replied. "FUCK SAKE KATIE." I screamed as she twisted my ear again.
"If you do anything stupid or if your one minute late, I'll fucking kill you myself. Got it?" She said with a final twist to prove her point. "It's 10 now… Bitch you make damn sure you're back by 12. DON'T make me regret it."
"I won't, I won't… fucking hell."
She released my ear and adjusted her top by pulling it down. She smiled at me like we had just had you're average everyday conversation. She opened the door and paused.
"Don't worry, I'll handle Ems… Oh and Naomi, FUCK-ING sort it."
It looks as if Katie is taking sides, but she isn't. I guess it's just that she's an outsider looking in and isn't attached on the same level as me and Emily. She's just giving me a break. The benefit of the doubt. Emily thinks the minute I'm on my own I'm going to take the opportunity to end it all, she doesn't realise that it doesn't really work like that. Well, not for me anyway. I don't blame her for being the way she is, she just scared, but I feel like I'm suffocating. I suppose Katie could see that and that's why she's placed a certain amount of trust in me. A trust that I won't abuse as far as 'doing anything stupid' goes… When it came to Mick, I mean something inside of me doubted that he'd do anything to Ems, but the fact is he DID say he would, whether he meant it or not I'm not a 100% but I don't really want to take that chance. His a fucking lunatic for fuck sake. A wanker, but mentally un-fucking-stable.
Finally after two long months I have gotten through to Emily and convinced her that I'm not about to throw myself of the fucking CSB. I was just having a VERY bad day and blah blah blah. I was telling the truth. Yeah I might not want to live anymore, not like this anyway but I had come to the conclusion that I just have to try and 'get better'. Ride with it and be patient. I still had a glimmer of hope that I'd get my shit together. Emily was right; I do need to WANT it bad enough, I've just got to get my mind right and mentally prepare for what I have to do. It's not like I can just drop everything and wake up the next morning and everything will be fine. I know that. I was stressing and letting everything get on top of me. Rushing, trying to accomplish too many things in a short amount of time which was contributing to the depression that I was suffering because I wasn't making any progress… Get off the gear is number one. Number two, fuck Mick off. I've come to a decision. I'll be fucking watching that tosser and if he tries anything, I mean, I'm no lagger but fuck him. I'll sing like a fucking canary. His little ass will be in jail and I won't have to worry bout nothin'. He might have his connections, HA, I've got my own. I've been in the game long enough, I know how shit works. I'm not stupid. There will be no vendetta against me (I hope). The only thing he'll be concerned about is NOT to drop the fucking soap. I'm not sure how to approach the subject with Mick, whether to threaten him with it when I decide to go my own way or just wait and see what happens after I give him the flick. Which ever way I decide to go it's not going to be pretty for either of us, but I don't care…
I had finished up for the night and with nothing else to do it was time for home. It was a big day, I've been out since the morning and it's getting close to 12am. I was well out of it (as usual) and turned up my street. I approach the house and wondered what the fuck was going on? All my clothes are spread all over the front yard. I rushed to the front door, and put my key in lock.
(What the fuck?)
It's not working… maybe wrong key? I have a quick look and no, it's definitely the right one so I try again but with no luck.
BANG BANG BANG
"EMS… EMILY."
I look up as I heard the upstairs window slide open and Emily's head pop out.
"Babe can you open the door. My ah, key doesn't seem to be working." I slurred.
"I changed the locks."
"What? Why?"
She stared down at me with her lips pursed together. She didn't seem too happy. She looked like she had been crying.
"Emily?"
"We're through… done. Fucking finished that's why."
She tucked her head back inside and went to close the window.
"Fuck. Wait."
"What?" She replied dryly.
"Can't we talk about this?"
"There's nothing left to discuss Naomi. Get all you're shit and fucking leave."
"Why are you being like this? Fuck… what have I done? At least tell me that fucking much for fucks sake."
She paused for a moment.
"Lexie came by today looking for you."
"Emily, how the fuck can I be responsible for that…"
"She needed a fix, said you hadn't been answering you're phone and she was desperate. She even paid upfront." Emily said sarcastically.
Emily reached into her pocket and threw some cash down towards me.
"Here… now I suggest you fuck off back to her and give her what she needs. She didn't look to well." She said with an evil smirk.
Emily stood back and closed the window.
(I'm gonna kill that fucking bitch. How many times do you have to tell someone not to come around under ANY circumstances?)
"EMILY"
"Excuse me. Naomi isn't it? If you don't leave her alone, I'll call the police." Our neighbour interrupted.
"FUCK OFF, you fucking wanker" I yelled back.
"Oh how rude."
"WHAT?... Rude? You know what's fucking rude you cocksucker, BUTTING into other peoples fucking business… NOW go back into your fucking house and FUCKING stay there."
Emily heard the commotion and stuck her head back out the window.
"It's okay Jack…"
She looked directly at me with her eyebrow cocked.
"Naomi was just leaving."
"If you need anything, just yell out dear." He replied.
I was in a homicidal rage. I picked up a rock as he was entering his house and threw it as hard as I could. If he hadn't of closed the door I would have got that fucker right in the back of the head.
"NAOMI." Emily screamed shocked when she saw what I had done.
"Fucking what?"
She took a breath.
"You need to leave."
"Emily just talk to me. Let me in."
"No…"
"It's my fucking house."
"FINE THEN, I'LL FUCK-ING LEAVE."
She had no where to go, neither did I for that matter but I wasn't about to kick her and Katie out… my mum wasn't around anymore so she wouldn't be showing up unexpectedly. She went off God knows where with God knows who. We haven't spoken for a couple years. Not since I started using. So the house was mine. Well looks like Emily's now.
"No, it's okay. You stay." I replied dismayed.
"Listen Ems, please yeah… don't do this. I'm sorting it out..."
"Naomi, you're always fucking sorting it, but nothing changes." Her voice high pitched.
"But…"
"There are no buts… I warned you that you needed to stop using, stop dealing. You fucking told me you would STOP but you haven't. You lied. YOU ALWAYS FUCKING LIE. I can't be with you anymore. Not while you're like this. I have given you every chance to get off the smack but."
I stayed silent. She changed direction.
"I love you, but I can't continue on like this. I'm sorry. Goodbye Naomi." She said her voice broken, silent tears streaming down her face.
"YOU LOVE ME? FUCK YOU EMILY."
I was outraged… The drugs not helping my explosive mood. I looked around the yard for certain items to take with me muttering to myself in anger. She could keep the rest. Won't need them where I'm going. I grabbed two pairs of jeans, three tee's, one hoodie and 2 jackets. Luckily she had thrown a bag out here to so I placed everything I had collected inside of it.
(Don't forget you need underwear.)
I grabbed a handful of knickers, socks and a few bras and shoved them in the bag also… I came across a pair of my Converse, well just the one shoe.
"Ems, hun..." I said sarcastically. "What the fuck am I going to do with one shoe?"
I hadn't noticed that she had gone back inside closing the window so I sifted through all my belongings and turned up with nothing.
"BITCH, GIVE ME MY FUCKING SHOE."
The window slid open and before I knew it I was on my back star gazing.
(What a fucking shot.)
She had thrown the shoe and it had hit me right in the head almost knocking me the fuck out.
"Ahhhhh Fucking hell Emily, what the fuck?"
I think she went to apologise but changed her mind.
"You've got your shoe, now please just go." She said, the fight in her voice no longer present.
I was still very much angry.
"YOU CUNT." I yelled bearing my teeth.
As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I nearly fucking died. I didn't even know where they came from. She just stared back down at me, her mouth open in shock. She was hurt, broken… fucking shattered. She burst into tears clutching at her chest.
"Emily… Emily fuck I'm sorry, I didn't mean it yeah. It just slipped out. I…"
"GO."
"I'm sorry. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. Please can't we sort this out?" I replied panicked.
She didn't say anything. She was trying so hard throughout this confrontation to stay firm and strong, but as usual I had hurt her and reduced her to tears. She was almost hysterical, but she managed to pull herself together.
"It's too late Naomi… I don't want to see you like this, not anymore… I can't handle it. You're tearing me apart… Now please, go."
(That's it Naoms… looks like you don't need to stress about rolling over on Mick. It's over. You've just lost the best thing that's ever happened to you… and it's you're own fault. You can't blame anyone but yourself.)
I stared at her intensely taking in her beautiful lips, her gorgeous red hair, the curves of her body, her eyes… everything. I never wanted to forget. I dropped my gaze down to my feet, picked up my bag and turned away. I slowly made my way to the footpath.
"Please, TAKE CARE of yourself."
It sounded more like she was pleading, begging even. I just gave her a half smile that I know didn't reach my eyes due to the change of expression she had on her face.
"What do you care?" I replied.
"How can you say that? Of course I fucking care."
"Whatever."
I turned away and took a step.
"NAOMI" She called out.
I didn't look at her this time.
"Never doubt that I love you."
I took a deep breath and continued my way down the street without responding.
(Where too now?)
Lexie's. That's where I was headed. She was going to get a fucking earful, and because of her fucking stupidity she can take me in 'til I figure out what the fuck I'm gonna do. I got down to the end of the street and dropped to my knees, crying. I felt like I had just been hit by a ton of bricks. The situation finally sinking in. She left me. She's fucking left me. It's not right. This wasn't how it was spose to be. I just… I needed more time. Everything would have been okay, why didn't she just wait.
(She's waited long enough.)
I gripped my hair in frustration trying to stop that inner voice replying to all my questions. I felt like I was going mad. This is so fucked up. How could I let her slip right through my fingers?
(Naoms, get up… she might calm down in a few days yeah.)
I pulled myself together, brushed myself off and made my way towards Lexie's.
"Naoms, I'm sorry…"
"Sorry? YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY… IT'S A BIT LATE FOR A FUCKING APOLOGY. SHE'S KICKED ME OUT, DO YOU UNDESTAND? IT'S FUCKING OVER BECAUSE YOU NEEDED A FUCKING HIT."
"It wasn't just because of that and you fucking know it." She replied.
"Lexie, I would be home right now with her in my arms if you didn't fuck it up."
"Don't you dare fucking blame this shit on me. It was going to happen sooner or later… look just calm down yeah, she's just another tart you'll find some…"
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?" I screamed stepping closer to her.
I was so fucking angry I was grinding my teeth. She's lucky I don't slit her fucking throat for calling Emily a fucking tart. She saw the look in my eye and took a frightened step backwards.
(Naomi, relax… she doesn't know how much you love Ems.)
I took a few deep breaths to try and calm down before I painted the walls with her blood. I was fucking furious but to an extent I knew deep down she was right. It would have happened sooner or later. I had put Ems through to much; it's better this way even though at the moment I didn't agree…
(FUCK IT.)
"Where's you're bathroom?"
She was too scared to reply.
"Bathroom… Where Is It?"
"Th… Thr… Through there." She replied shakily, pointing down the hallway.
I left Lexie in the lounge room and made my way down to where she had pointed. I closed the door behind me, popped the lid down of the toilet, took out my kit, sat down and cooked up… I felt all the pain wash away and it had been replaced with a welcoming warm pleasurable rush. I groaned when I felt it sweep through my entire body and slumped back unable to hold myself up any longer.
KNOCK KNOCK
"Babe, can I come in?"
"Mmmm."
I heard the door open but I didn't bother to open my eyes.
(I COULDN'T open my eyes.)
"You love her don't you?" She asked hesitantly.
"Ye… yeah, I do."
"I'm sorry yeah, I didn't know. I thought she was just another Tess."
"Hmmm, you thought wrong." I slurred.
She walked over to me sighing and grabbed my hand.
"Come on Naoms, get up."
"I'm comfortable." I replied.
"The couch looks more inviting."
I tried to get up but failed miserably. Lexie threw my arm over her shoulder and wrapped one of hers around my waist and escorted me to her couch. I fell down on it and stayed in an awkward position. Lexie had to grab my legs and swing them on to the couch so I was lying down in a more natural one. I nodded off almost instantly, but she kept shaking me to stay awake.
"Fuck sake, how much did you take."
"Enough." I mumbled.
"Try and stay awake for a bit yeah."
SLAP
"Stay awake." She demanded. "I'll get you a coke okay."
I just simply nodded.
I was in a dream… a nightmare really. I was at the lake. The one Emily and I had first made love but it was different. It wasn't a lake it was a swamp. The tree's had no leaves on them. They were dead. The ground was dry and bare. There were no sounds of birds or any kind of animal. It was eerily silent. There wasn't even a breeze, the air was deathly still. I wanted to go swimming and Emily was crying and begging me not to go but I wouldn't listen to her. I jumped in anyway. As soon as I did, I couldn't move. The water had turned into a thick mud and I was slowly sinking. Emily rushed to the side and reached over to try and take my hand. I felt her finger tips brush against mine but I couldn't reach over enough to grip her hand completely. She was screaming for me to try harder, get closer to her but I couldn't. I tried desperately to kick my legs. I only had to move 3 inches to be able to reach her but it was like my legs where set in concrete. I was exhausted and breathless trying to fight, trying to get closer as the mud had reached my chin. Emily was crying hysterically, screaming for me to stop it. 'Just fucking stop it' she cried 'grab my hand' but it was impossible. I couldn't do it… The mud had almost covered my nose, so I took a huge intake of air, as much as my nasal passage could handle. 'Don't go Naomi, stay here. I'm not ready.' I had sunk in further and the only sense that I had left out of the five was sight. I couldn't hear her because the mud had clogged up my ears but I saw her lips move. She said 'I love you'. My chest felt tight like it was being crushed. I slipped further under unable to breathe and I felt the mud swallow me whole and everything went black…
"Ahhh fuck Lex… what are you doing?"
"Oh thank fuck for that. You fucking had me worried there for a second."
Lexie had lit a fag and decided to use me as an ashtray. She butted the smoke out on my arm.
"Are you serious? Couldn't you wake me up like a fucking normal person?"
"Naomi, I have been slapping you, shaking you and pinching you for almost 10 minutes."
I didn't say anything. Memories of the disturbing trip I just experienced creeping back. I shook it off as I usually did. It's not the first one I've had, but they never fail to freak you out a bit.
(Emily)
I almost started crying when I remembered that she was no longer mine.
"Hey… hey babe, it's okay."
"No it's not…"
"Shhh, let it out Naoms, don't bottle it in yeah." She replied leaning in and wrapping me in a hug. "Everything will work out fine."
I broke down completely.
"I'm such a fucking idiot Lex."
"No you're not babe."
"I am, I'm just… I've lost her. She's gone… I love her so FUCKING much, I don't think… think I could live without her… I feel like I'm dying."
She pulled back and looked at me her eyes teary and her face concerned.
"Don't talk like that Naoms. Things will look up yeah, give it time."
I couldn't respond. I crumbled completely in Lexie's arms. After I had a good cry for about five minutes I reached into my pocket and grabbed out a bag. I sprinkled some onto my hand and raised it to my nose.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"What does it look like?" I replied drearily.
"Um it looks like you're trying to fucking kill yourself."
"Don't be daft." I said slightly offended.
"Babe, have a look in the mirror yeah, you look like death warmed up."
"I'm fine, I know my limits."
I sniffed what was on the back of hand and threw my head back.
"See." I said smirking slightly with a raised eyebrow.
Lexie just looked at me seriously, kind of like I had gone completely insane. I threw the bag toward her, knowing that she'd need some later on. I was going to bed and didn't want to be disturbed… I laid down on Lexie's because she hadn't put down any sheets or blankets on the one in the spare. I was thinking of a plan. I know in my heart that Emily meant everything she said but I wasn't going to just walk away without trying. I'd give her a few days to chill and go back around to see her. If I don't she'll think I don't love her and that I don't give a fuck… but I know I'll be wasting my time. Well not 'wasting' exactly, not where Emily's concerned regardless of the outcome.
I went through my daily ritual. Today was the day. It's been a week since I last saw Emily and to be honest I was in two minds about going to see her but I had to do it. I didn't want any 'what if's' hanging around. I needed to know that it was well and truly over before I could at least TRY and move on. I don't think I ever would, but I can't look to far ahead into the future. I need to live day by day otherwise I'd go completely mental. I locked up Lexie's flat and made my way towards where I use to live. It was a good 30 minute walk but I was there before I knew it. I was too busy thinking about what the fuck I was going to say to her. It's never been one of my strong points, ya know, expressing how I feel. Today won't be any different. I would have been shaking like a leaf, nervous but I had taken care of that before I left. I had to… I walked up towards the path and before I reached the door, it opened with Katie stepping out. She looked unhappy, even though she was dressed up with her make up done to perfection…
"What are you doing here?"
"Please, I just need to see Emily."
She shook her head.
"It's not a good idea; I don't think she wants to see you."
"Katie, please… five minutes is all I ask." I begged.
"What, looking like that? Jesus fuck Naomi, don't you look in the mirror?"
(WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MIRROR BULLSHIT. FIRST LEXIE NOW KATIE. FUCK SAKE.)
I looked down to the ground. I was trying not to show any aggression. Katie wouldn't stand for it. I heard her sigh.
"Go on, 5 minutes. I'll be counting. If you're not out of there by then, I'm coming in to get you."
"Thanks, Katiekins." I said with a depressed smile.
Her expression didn't change.
"Don't thank me." She replied flatly.
I brushed past her and stopped in the door way.
"Where is she?"
"Upstairs."
I nodded and took two steps at a time. I knocked on the door and heard Emily's husky voice answer.
"Katie, I'm fine… Just leave me the fuck alone."
The sound of her shattered voice pulled at my heart strings. I opened the door and entered the bedroom. When I saw her I felt dizzy. My legs had almost gone to jelly. She had gotten herself dressed for the day, but her make up was every where and she was sitting on the bed. She looked pale, sick even.
"How the fuck did you get in here?" She asked surprised.
"I ah…"
"Did you break in?"
"What… no. Ka, Katie let me in."
"I don't want to see you Naomi. I thought I made myself clear the other night."
"I know but, I had to see you. I had to make sure."
She exhaled deeply and looked me up and down frowning at my appearance. I could see that she was angry, well more like furious but worry was mixed in there also, even though I could tell she was trying to hide it.
"I need to know something."
She didn't seem to be listening.
"Emily?"
"What? Why did you come here?" Her voice husky with emotion.
I took a deep breath but before I could answer Emily started to cry. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was frozen.
(It's Emily; she might push you away but at least try and comfort her for fucks sake. I mean you are the cause of all this.)
I rushed down and kneeled in front of her. I knew it was hopeless. I knew that it was better for me to just get up and leave. Allow her to move on. She deserved a better life, a life that I couldn't give her. I wanted to be the ONE to give it to her, but… I decided to go another way rather than try and convince her to take me back.
"Emily, I wanted to say goodbye."
She cast her gaze onto me staring at me intensely not really expecting me to say that. She looked kind of relieved.
"I love you… it's only ever been you do you understand?"
She nodded.
"Before I go, can I… can I…" I trailed off as I leant upwards placing my lips onto hers.
She gasped and didn't move at first, but after the initial shock had passed she responded. It was the most passionate kiss I could ever give or have given to anyone. It was slow, tender and deep and fucking meaningful. I pulled away slowly leaving her there with her eyes still closed. She looked a little stunned, not knowing what to say. I stood up and turned away to leave. She finally found the words.
"Remember what I said… I can't see you like THIS anymore." Her voice cracking.
I dropped my head knowing full well what she was trying to say, even though she was being cryptic. She was saying that if I ever sorted my life out to come find her, BUT not before then. I knew that this would probably be the last time I ever laid eyes on her… I walked out of the room closing the door behind me. I heard her quiet sobs and resisted the urge to go back in there. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I knew she meant what she said. It was over. I said goodbye to Katie. I told her I loved her and to look after Emily. She didn't say anything. I left Katie on the doorstep and walked onto the footpath.
"Take care." She yelled out.
I didn't turn towards her; I just lifted my arm and gave her a thumbs up. I was fucking shattered but kind of happy in a way. At least we had parted on not so bad terms. I mean it wasn't exactly the best of terms but at least there was no doubt about the feelings I had for both Emily and Katie. It wasn't pretend… They had every reason to hate me, just like everyone else but I dunno, maybe they were more understanding… they could see the demons inside of me. My everyday battle to try and keep them at bay but failing time and time again. The addiction to strong to overcome. Even though I felt like a completely different person, maybe… just maybe they could still see the old Naomi in there somewhere. Maybe that's why they stuck around for so long. Any 'normal' person would have fucked off ages ago. I mean my own mother did so why not them?... I continued my way down the street remembering all the good times, the funny times. It was all I could do to keep myself from going insane and finally snapping. The first day I laid eyes on Emily. I knew back then that one day I'd make her mine, but it took awhile, I was so scared of loving another girl, loving Emily. She knew though, as quiet and as shy as she was, she could see. She stalked me for fucks sake. The memory making me smile slightly. Our first kiss in middle school. I denied my feelings for her and ran off trying to push her away. She had let everyone believe that I was the one who had kissed her. I copped so much shit through the years because of that and yet I didn't say anything. I didn't set the record straight. Without realising, I was protecting her even then… The first day at college, OH MY GOD. That red hair. You know how hard it was to stop myself from pushing her up against the lockers and taking her there and then. It was almost fucking impossible… Pandora's party. Wow, is all I've got to say on that one. That was when I knew I was a goner. I was lost in her gorgeous brown eyes and she fucking knew it. I remember after breaking the kiss saying to her 'you're gay'. What I really meant was 'I'm gay' and it was fucking obvious I was whipped. The Lake, our lake… a side of Emily I had never had the pleasure of seeing before. It was our first time together. She was shy at first not quite sure on how to make the first move so was I for that matter, but bloody hell did that soon change, she became so confident taking the lead. I'll never EVER forget that night…
(God I love her.)
I approached Lexie's flat and stuck the key she had given me into the lock. I entered and went straight into the bathroom. The bad memories starting to override the good. I had to wash them away. This feeling of heartache, pain and loss was much worst then withdrawing from any drug. MUCH FUCKING WORSE. You couldn't even compare the two… I slumped down to the floor and took a few moments before getting up and entering the lounge room. Lexie must have just gotten home because she was sitting on the couch. I'm sure she wasn't there before. She looked a little pissed.
"Fucking snob."
"Huh? What are you on about?" I asked.
"Doesn't matter." She sighed. "Come sit down." She said patting a spot next to her.
"Music… I need some music yeah, where's your CD's?"
She pointed towards the corner where she had a CD stacker or shelf, whatever there fucking called. I flicked through what she had.
(How fitting… Rehab.)
There was a particular song on there that I liked. It was fucking depressing, but I wasn't exactly in the partying mood now was I. It would fit perfectly. I took the disc out of its case and popped it into the CD player.
Da Da Da Da Da
Da Da Da
Da Da Da
Sittin' in traffic another day of feeling nothing
Tryin' to find somethin'
I guess its back to huffin paint and model glue
How I die when I look at you smilin'
Lovin' life and all I know is blue
Rainy days and cold stares, broken love affairs
Everything's beautiful as long as I ain't there
I guess I wasn't meant to crack a smile
Who cares, I think I'll go to sleep for a while now
I'm barely livin' in my skin
Depression's my only friend
And I don't know where I am headed
Try and to forget where I've been
And I'm so sick of lyin'
God, please, show me that silver linin'
'cause I've heard tell and I'm not well
My head's full of hell and this world's a jail, but
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
'cause everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear…
"Fuck Naoms, turn this fucking shit off. Are you trying to make everyone depressed?"
Lexie got up and took the CD out replacing it with something else. I cringed when I heard it. Fucking hell so not in the mood for this… Personally I didn't mind the song, but Twisted? Seriously. Lexie snorted a few lines of something. I assume it was coke by the way she jumping around. I sat down on the couch after tweaking up the bass. I wanted to feel it threw my chest. It was relaxing, all my concentration on the beat. I closed my eyes and drifted into a light nod.
"Babe?"
"What are you doing?" I asked.
Lexie had straddled my legs when the beat of the song had slowed its pace. Her pupils were fucking HUGE. She cupped my head in her hands and leant in kissing me. Slowly grinding herself on to me in time with the beat. I got lost for a moment, kissing her back and resting my hands on her hips… I pulled away turning my head to the side waking up and no longer fucking interested… She was not Emily. No where fucking near it.
"Get off."
"What do you think I'm trying to do?" She replied seductively.
"NO… I mean get the fuck off ME."
She wasn't hearing me. She ran a hand down my stomach putting her finger tips just under the hem of my jeans. I grabbed her hand before she went any lower.
"Lexie, No okay. I'm not going to say this again… GET THE FUCK OFF ME."
She wasn't listening. So I roughly grabbed her and threw her to the side so she landed on the couch. I didn't want to hurt her; I knew she was off her face. We were only friends, good friends. I mean we use to muck around about stuff, but never ever crossed any lines. It wasn't like that between us. Even if it had of been still, the answer was no. I didn't want anyone else touching me. I couldn't give a flying fuck if it was Angelina Jolie; MY Emily was far more sexier.
(Stop saying 'my' Emily… She ain't yours anymore.)
Fuck it…
"Lex, I'm goin' to bed. Settle down on the coke yeah."
"FUCK YOU NAOMI."
When she comes down and crashes from her high she'll be so fucking embarrassed…
"Fuck babes, you look like shit."
"FUCK OFF."
'Hahaha, trouble in paradise ey?"
"Just give me the fucking gear yeah."
"Okay, okay, chill… Here." He replied handing me a package. "You know, I've got a lot of respect for you Naomi. You're never scared to tell me where to go. I like it."
"I couldn't give two fat fucks Mick. I'm not after you're respect."
"Exactly my point Naomsy." He replied grinning.
(What the fuck is wrong with this wanker? His got bipolar or schizophrenia or fucking something. One minute he wants to kill me, next his telling me how fucking GREAT I am. I'm fucking confused.)
"Yeah, well see ya."
I grabbed the package and made my way back to Lexie's. I had to cut the gear before I distributed it. Make some extra dough, moolah, cash… how ever you want to put it. I walked into her flat did what I had to do and was about to leave, when I noticed a note pad sitting on the desk. It was distracting me. I suddenly had an urge to write Emily a letter. I know she said she didn't want to see me, but she never said anything about reading a letter.
Dear Emily,
I…
No, scratch that… I started to tap the pen on the desk to try and think of the words. Fuck it, I was never good at it anyway. She'll understand what I'm trying to say.
Emily,
It was all me, I was the problem… Just know that I'll ALWAYS love you. I'm sorry.
N.
In this case I suppose less is more. I looked at what I had written.
(Jesus fuck… it sounds like I'm goin' to off my self.)
I flipped the page over and added…
It's not goodbye… it's see you later.
I meant it… maybe one day, I would be free. Free of a life of drugs. Free of a life of crime… just FREE AS A FUCKING BIRD, and then maybe Emily would allow me to be in her life one way or another. It was something to look forward too. Keep me going and motivated. I folded up the paper and placed it into my pocket. I'll go round there early hours of the morning sometime after 'work'. I'll stick it on the door…
"Naomi?"
I was sitting down, slumped against the side wall of a café having a fag. I had been banged up for almost 6 months and only just got out about FUCK how longs it been? I think three or four days. I'm not too sure… As soon as I got out I went and seen Mick. It was nice of him to give me a welcome back present. I was fucking flying.
"Who wants to know?" I reply not even bothering to look up.
There was no reply and I was getting a little annoyed so I turned my gaze upward. All I could see was a shadowed figure, the sun making it hard to see as I squinted.
"Well, what do you want?" I slurred.
There was no answer.
"If you're not gonna talk, fuck off then."
The figure stood like a statue for a few moments before deciding to turn away and walk hurriedly down the street. I followed them with my eyes…
(Red.)
I stood up immediately after recognising who it was.
(FUCKING STUPID. How could you NOT recognise that voice you twat.)
I ran to catch up and passed her, stopping in front to slow her pace. She kept walking avoiding eye contact. I was walking backwards trying to pull her up.
"Emily, I… I didn't know it was you."
She didn't reply and continued walking.
"Sorry… just STOP for a…" I trailed off tripping over uneven concrete landing flat on my back, whacking the back of my head on the pavement. "… sec." I finished off holding my throbbing head.
She stopped in front of me, staring at the sorry state in front of her. I got up off the floor not knowing what to say. First thing that came to mind.
"Do you want… want to have a coffee or something with me?" I asked hesitantly. "My shout." I added flashing the best smile I could come out with.
"I can't, I'm running late."
"Ah come on, 10 minutes yeah, for old time's sake."
She paused for a moment taking in a deep breath.
"Yeah okay… for old time's sake." She replied.
"Cool, follow me."
We went back to the café and I told her to take a seat out front while I went in and ordered myself a coffee and Ems a tea with honey. I remembered that that was her favourite. When she took a sip, she was quite surprised that I had remembered. She didn't say anything but she gave me that look ya know. I chuckled quietly to myself. She was still adorable. We sat in silence for a bit, not a very comfortable one I might add. I started to get a little fidgety so I pulled out a fag. It's funny, I had thought of all the things that I wanted to say to Emily if I had ever seen her again but now that she was in front of me I was completely blank. She was the one who broke the deafening silence.
"So… how have you been?"
"Yeah, yeah I've been good. How about you?" I replied over excited.
"Better."
(Better? Odd thing to say.)
A few more moments of silence.
"What have you been doing with yourself?" she asked looking me up down. She wasn't the only one. The other customers were doing the same.
(I guess they're not use to seeing someone such as me with someone such as Emily. FUCK 'EM. I mean I was clean and dressed nice enough, but I guess they could see I was an undesirable. An ex-con who was on a completely different planet.)
"I ah, I just got… out." I replied hesitantly.
"Out?" She asked shocked.
"Um, yeeaahh."
"How long were you in for?"
"… About 6 months."
Emily paused again pursing her lips.
"What did you do?"
"Assault." I replied almost wincing.
(This is fantastic, great conservation starter… NOT.)
"Why 6? Isn't it normally out in 3?" she asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"Yeah well, I couldn't seem to keep out of trouble… Anyway, enough about me yeah, what have you been doing with yourself?"
"When did you get that?" she asked pointing to my forearm and ignoring my question.
(Fuck sake.)
I folded my arms so she couldn't see, but I think she already did. I think she wanted to verify.
"Before I went inside."
"Can I see it?" she asked.
"Ah, no… I mean it's just a dragon yeah, nothing too exciting."
I was worried about the track marks but also the tattoo itself. I suddenly felt embarrassed.
"I wanna see it." Looking at me with her puppy dog eyes.
I couldn't say 'no' now could I?
(Fucking weird… how does she still have that effect on me?)
I unfolded my arms and placed my left arm on the table reluctantly. She gently grabbed my wrist and pulled my arm towards her. She looked at it intensely, studying it, running her finger over every line, tracing the picture. She had even run a finger over the light bruising that had appeared on my arm. She stopped for a moment and looked back up at me with sadness in her eyes. I couldn't hold her gaze so I lowered my head. She traced her finger back down towards my wrist stopping in the middle of my gray wash tattoo before continuing to trace the letters that had been written on it. E-M-I-L-Y. It was written in a fancy script so it was kind of hard to read it at just a glance. You had to really look at it to know what it actually said but somehow I think she had already noticed it before she had even asked to look at it.
"So who's Emily?" She asked.
(Is she being funny or does she think there's another Emily?)
"Ah, um… you." I replied biting my lip and retracting my arm.
She didn't say anything but when I looked back up at her, her lips weren't smiling but her eyes were if that makes sense.
"Anyway, what um… What have you been up too?" I asked.
"Studying, I rarely have time to do anything else these days."
"What are you studying?"
"Well, I had a lot of thought and decided I wanted to help people, so I enrolled in a course to become a paramedic."
"A paramedic… really?" I replied shocked.
"Gee thanks Naomi."
"No, no that's great, actually that's awesome Ems. How long do you have left?"
"Another year and then I can finally get out there and put my training into good use." She said with a proud smile.
"I'm really happy for you."
"Thanks."
I took out another fag and lit it shaking slightly, but it wasn't me who noticed.
"Are you okay?" Emily asked concerned.
"Huh?" I asked as I followed her gaze to my hand. "Oh, yeah I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Happens all the time don't worry about it. I just need some sugar." I said as I stood up. "I'm gonna grab a coke. You want one?"
"Not a coke but another tea would be nice, thanks." She replied.
I walked back inside the café and placed the order and quickly snuck off to the bathroom. I was starting to feel a little off so I had a quick toot put the gear back in my pocket and went back out to the counter to pay.
"Oh sorry, can you put a little honey in the tea… I forgot."
"Yeah sure hun, no problems."
"Thank-you."
I took the drinks and went outside placing them on the table. I opened the coke and took a swig.
"Better?"
"Huh?"
"Sugar."
"Oh yeah, see much better." I said lifting my hand to show I wasn't shaking anymore.
Emily just frowned at me, knowing what I had just done.
(Why does she still care? It's been almost a whole year since I've seen her. More importantly why do I still feel ashamed?)
I don't know why I had to know, but it was playing on my mind during this whole conversation so I decided to just come out and ask her.
"You seeing anyone?"
"What?" She coughed out almost choking on her tea.
"Sorry, I don't mean to be nosy or anything, I just…"
"No it's okay; you just caught me by surprise… Are you?" Directing the question back at me. Her voice extremely husky.
"… No."
She cocked an eyebrow as if to say 'I know you Naomi, don't fucking lie'.
"No one special." I quickly shot out.
Silence.
"Well? It's your turn." I said with a cheeky smirk.
"There was someone." She said lowering her gaze towards her cup of tea. "… but I… they had other priorities… I expected them to realise what was more important. I was waiting for them to come back, but they never did."
I could hear her voice crack very slightly; I only noticed it because I knew her so well. If it had of been anyone else they wouldn't have even picked up on it.
"They never came back? Fucking why? I asked angrily seeing that she was hurt by their actions. I was fucking furious.
She looked back up to me.
"You KNOW why."
(Oh… how did I miss that?)
Fuck sake… she was talking about me. Now I feel like a right twat… I 'm not sure but I got a feeling this conversation was going to get awfully serious.
"Why are you still living like this?"
"Like what?" I replied slightly offended.
"Naomi!"
"Can we NOT talk about that please?"
"I got your letter."
"Oh."
Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of Snow White
Dreams of…
"Fuck… sorry I really have to take this." I said looking at Emily apologetically as I answered my phone.
"Hello?"
"Naoms, that ah thing you wanted… it's ready yeah."
I looked at Emily feeling a massive rush of guilt. She noticed and didn't look to happy.
"Ah yeah, cool. Thanks. I'll see ya soon."
"Sorry."
"It's fine." She replied. "Was that Mick?" She asked spitefully.
"What?"
"I know, Katie told me about your little situation."
"She did what? Fucking bitch…" I said angrily. "I never told her who it was."
Emily chose to ignore the bitch comment. Something told me that Katie didn't tell her everything because Ems would have mentioned it. I was thankful, because back then I was worrying for nothing. Turns out Mick had no intention what's so ever to hurt Emily. It was me over reacting and too drug fucked to really see things for what they really were… Thinking back to that, makes me feel like a complete fucking idiot. It was an empty threat that he used against me to ensure he got his money, which he did and that was the end of it. The threat had expired but I was to dumb to fucking realise. I blame Tess… she fucking got me all nervous and shit. Bit of a coincidence that she happened to bump into me that day… I wonder if Mick had anything to do with it… Fucking shifty bastard.
"I'm not stupid Naomi; I put two and two together… Why else would Mick want his money? When it's you involved it could only mean one thing?"
(Thanks Ems.)
"But how do you know that?" I asked
"You're kidding right? I was there… remember."
I looked at her confused for a moment trying to think back. Emily sighed deeply.
"Forget it, it doesn't even matter."
"No tell me. You brought it up."
"Do you remember when I was going to dye my hair a different colour?"
(Oh yeah, I was gonna dye my hair green if she changed the red... actually her hair is still red now. I admit it made me smile.)
"Yeah…"
"It was after that. On our way home."
I paused for a moment trying to bring up the memories of the day.
"Hahaha yeah, Chloe." I chuckled.
"Who the fuck…" She stopped talking for a second realising that she sounded jealous. "Who's Chloe?"
"And you're having a go at me for not remembering… I told him you're name was Chloe."
"Oh."
"Oh." I mirrored sarcastically.
Silence. My phone started ringing again.
"Yeah?"
"Babes, I heard you just got out, why haven't you been over to see me?"
"Lex…"
(Oh Fuck)
I looked up at Emily when I accidentally slipped, using Lexie's name. She was trying to hide her anger… Her eyes looking right through me.
(Why is it like we never broke up? All the emotions are the same. It's really strange.)
"Hey, I'll call you back."
"But…"
"I said I'll call you back."
"So you're still hanging around that tart?" Emily asked.
"Don't be like that."
"Don't be like what? When are you going to wake the fuck up Naomi?"
"Emily, we haven't seen each other for almost a year, I don't understand why…"
She cut me off.
"I still worry if you must know. I don't fucking know why, because I know that I shouldn't, but I do care about what happens to you."
I was stunned. What the fuck do I say to that? I mean, I'm not going to lie, I still think about Emily everyday. What she's doing? If she's okay? Who is she dating? That last one though I try not to think about to much. It infuriates me.
"Naomi, fancy seeing you here."
(FUCK SAKE.)
I didn't reply. Emily was just staring from me then back to the officer trying to figure out what was going on exactly.
"Not selling today?" He said sarcastically.
"Fuck off wanker."
"I could put you up on a charge for that."
"Yeah you would too, ya prick." I replied.
"Now that's not very nice… I should ask you to empty you're pockets for talking to me like that."
(Tosser… he was talking to me like I was a five year old child.)
"Piss off yeah, can't you see I'm busy." I spat.
He turned to face Emily.
"Trouble this one." He said tilting his head in my direction. "If she's not selling, she's assaulting people. I'd stay well clear of her if I were you miss."
"Well officer, you're NOT me… so if you don't mind can you please leave us alone… Or should I make an official complaint for harassment.
(Jesus Christ…)
He wasn't expecting that. You could see it all over his face. He was fuming, but 'official complaint' and 'harassment' shut him up real quick. He turned back to me.
"I'm watching you Campbell. One of these days you'll slip up, and when you do… I'll be there waiting. You got that."
"HA… you'll be waiting a long time." I replied.
He wasn't happy, but he was done talking. He turned and continued on his merry way.
(Cocksucker.)
Emily was off with the fairies thinking hard about something. The last couple of minutes with the cop not fazing her at all, like it were normal.
"Naoms, can I ask you a question?"
"Depends what it is?"
"What was it like for you in… in jail?"
(Paramedic huh? She'd be better as a detective with all of her questions. Wanting to know every little detail. Bloody hell.)
"Well, it was jail, ya know." I replied.
"I know it's just…" She inhaled deeply. "It's just that, you seem… different."
I was still in lock up mode… defensive and all that.
"What the fuck do you mean by different?"
Emily sat up straight, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.
"Fuck, I'm sorry yeah, still adjusting."
"Maybe I should go." She replied grabbing her bag.
"No please don't I'm sorry, stay." I pleaded placing my hand on her arm.
She sat back down carefully.
"You just seem so aggressive. More so than before." She stated hesitantly.
"I was like that when we were together, don't you remember the councilor?"
She looked at me as if to say 'how the fuck could I forget that'.
"You still had control over it… I don't think you do anymore."
(I don't want to talk about ME, can't we move onto something else. Fuck sake.)
"I just got out Ems… I need time to readjust."
"Did something happen to you in there?"
(FUCK-ING HELL)
"What makes you say that?"
"I can tell…" she whispered sadly.
I took a deep breath. Its Emily here, just tell her. Nothing 'really' bad happened, it could have though… but it didn't.
"When I first got there, some of the other girls got wind that I was a dealer and an addict…"
She almost started crying, knowing where I was going with this.
"No don't do that yeah… it's okay." I tried to reassure her before I continued. "They thought I would have brought some gear in with me for sure so…"
"Oh my god Naomi. I don't know if I want to hear this…" She cut me off.
I continued anyway. I knew what she thought had happened, but it didn't so I kept talking.
"There were five of them. They took me into the showers and tried to ya know, relieve me of the gear they thought I had but… but a screw came in before they could… I had put up a fight, but it was impossible against five, I was beaten badly…"
She didn't say anything… she couldn't anyway. Her hand was covering her mouth, her face pale.
"Anyway, after that they kept making remarks ya know… 'We're gonna get you' 'You're fucked' and all that… Well I snapped. I went for the 'ring leader' she was a big bitch, but I fucking gave it to her good. There was so much blood Ems, I thought I had killed her…" I trailed off deep in thought.
Emily still said nothing.
"I was dragged off to the block; the bastard screws gave me a few 'love taps' before locking me in. I can't even remember how long I was in there for… but I know it was a while… The worse thing about it was I couldn't get my hands on any gear while I was down there so I started to go through withdrawals. It was fucking unbearable…"
"So they didn't do…"
"No, there was no 'decrotching'. They actually left me alone after that. They thought I was mental. Everybody was scared of that bitch, I was too but it was me or her, ya know."
Emily finally found her voice after the mental image had faded.
"What… what happened to her?"
I breathed out suddenly realising that I was holding my breath throughout the conversation.
"Ahhh, broken nose, fractured orbit and a few missing teeth…"
I sounded as if I was ordering a pizza or something. Emily was staring at me like she didn't know who I was.
"Emily, deep down I'm still the same person… it's just being locked up changes you a little bit. I had to be like that in there otherwise I wouldn't have made it… "
"H... how did you get through the withdrawals?" she asked.
"I ah, I thought of… you." I replied looking down at the table.
It was the truth; it was the only thing that kept me going… It's one thing being locked up but when you add a full blown addiction to the mix, it's completely and totally fucked up. I looked back up and Emily was shedding quite tears.
"Ems, please don't do that yeah… its fine, I'M fine." I said forcing a warm smile.
(I wasn't fine… I was fucked up.)
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" Emily screamed. "HAVING A GOOD LISTEN THERE WERE YOU? FUCKING TOSSER."
(FUCK)
Emily stood up and went to move towards the guy who had also stood up in shock. I instantly stood up blocking Emily's path.
"Emily… fuck calm down. Its okay, just relax." I said in a calm voice.
"People like her should never be aloud to walk the streets." They guy butted in directing his statement at me.
I pushed Emily away and ordered her to stay where she was. The language coming out of her pretty little mouth was horrendous. I turned towards the guy telling him to seat the fuck down. For some reason, people seemed to do what I told them to do… I don't know why, maybe there was an aura around me that said 'don't fuck with me'. Who knows? I hadn't quite worked that one out but it came in handy at times so who was I to complain. I leaned in and whispered in his ear so Emily couldn't hear. He immediately stood up, grabbed his belongings turned to Emily and apologised, with Emily replying with a 'FUCK YOU'. He almost ran down the street screaming.
(Fucking soft cock.)
"I think we should go, ya know, before someone calls the cops."
Emily didn't say anything.
"Come on." I said as I grabbed her bag off the table and handed it to her. "Weren't you late for something?... Emily?"
"What? No… no I lied."
I paused for a moment, looking around at all the spectators.
"Okay well, come on I'll walk you home then... So how's Katiekins?" I asked with a smirk trying to get Emily's mind off of the depressing shit.
I was sitting in Lexie's flat remembering the day that I had run into Emily. Fuck that was like a year and half ago. Time sure does fucking fly. I haven't seen Ems since then. I think she realised after our conversation that I was too far gone so she asked me to leave. She was upset and I didn't want to cause anymore shit for her so I said my goodbye and it was nice seeing her, take care. She said she'd like to see me again at a later date I agreed of course but I had no intention too. Not because I stopped loving her, because fuck, ya know… just look at me. When I do go and see her, I'll be clean and sober with a respectable job earning an honest living… My life sorted.
I wasn't staying with Lexie, she just let me use the place to cut the gear and bag it up. I was kind of living all over the place. No fixed address. It was better this way. It was harder for people to find me and get a jest of my routine. I had become really security minded. It was forced upon me, but in the end it keeps me safe. A few months back I was jumped by two desperate junkies. They pulled a knife out on me when I refused to give them what they wanted. The bastards got it anyway after they fucking stabbed me. I was lucky though, they only got me in the arm. They lost a good knife; they left it in the wound. I carry that same knife with me everywhere now and you'll never find me slinging in the same spot twice. Not after that. No fucking way. I had been saving up a little nest egg for when I get out the game, which will be soon. I've even cut down a heap. I only need to jack up twice a day… Well, I guess it's still bad but I mean it's gotta be better than 6 times a day. I'm not doing it entirely for Emily, I mean I don't think she'd be waiting for me, that's just unrealistic. Nah, she's well and truly moved on I'd say even if I haven't. My heart still belongs to her and ALWAYS will believe it or not and as much as I'd fucking love to be her 'one and only' it would be ridiculous of me to even think it a possibility, but I still wish to be in her life somehow. Being a friend would be enough for me so I am aiming towards that. Mostly though, I'm doing it for myself which is why this time it's different. This fucked up life I've been living, I'm FUCK-ING over it. Although I'm an addict myself, looking at others makes me physically fucking sick. It's taken me long enough to wake up and smell the roses, but hey… better late than never. The feeling sorry for myself has long passed and has been replaced by an unstoppable drive that's taking me down the right path. It's refreshing. I'm so sick of breathing in the same old stale air. My head finally back above water. I can breathe again. It's a fantastic feeling, especially when you've been so numb and fucking depressed for so long. I almost feel reborn, shinny and new like a penny. LIKE A DIAMOND. Sparkling, glistening in the sun light. The dark clouds that once hung directly over my head, dissolving into the bright blue sky. I still have my shit days, but they pass. There's more good than bad. Sometimes, I admit… I'm all over the place, scattered, but it doesn't last long. I'm not worried about it. My plan, this time next year… Off the smack, honest job with a shitty income (Hahaha), my own place paying bills etc. like a 'normal' person. 9 to 5 hours and when I feel that I have something to show and prove that I am no longer a loser, ex-con, smack head, then just maybe I'll knock on Emily's door and say hello. New clothes, a much needed haircut, fuck I might even go for my driver's license. Get myself a car. Nothing flash, just something to get me from A to B. Yeah, that would be awesome. I've never even driven one before… I have had a weird and to some extent, exciting life but I just want to slow the pace down. Become a 'boring' person because to me personally, THAT'S what's exciting. I feel good… I feel confident, I want it so bad I can almost taste it and absolutely nothing is going to get in my way. Not this fucking time. Some of the old me is starting to peak through. The stubbornness, the cockiness, it's all coming back. Maybe not the best trait's to have in most situations but in this one, it is a much needed tool to get to where I want to be. It's a necessity… All those people who thought I wouldn't amount to anything, that I was nothing but a fucking loser… I can't wait to see the look on their faces when I prove them all wrong. Just fucking wait and see. It makes me chuckle now just thinking about it, I'm evil I know haha, but that's how confident I am. That's why I know this time it's for real.
TBC…
Incase you're wondering what the CSB is in the part where Naomi finally convinces Emily that she's not about throw herself off it, it stands for 'Clifton Suspension Bridge'.
Songs in this chapter are from;
- It Don't Matter by Rehab
- Twisted by Wayne G ft. Stewart Who?
- Enter Sandman by Metallica (Naomi's Ringtone.)
Also, next chapter will be from Emily's point of view.
Thanks for reading… ;)