One and a half-year's later

I was in a garden; or rather the garden. That one place that I always go to when I'm asleep. It's been a year and a half ever since Sam and Dean found about my addiction to cutting and how I almost died. Things have changed between all three of us. They've been paying a lot of attention to me; or I could probably say too much of attention. It's like I don't have any time to myself by being constantly monitored. I'm just never left on my own but the only place where I actually do have some time for myself is when I sleep; and its always this garden.

Ever since my near death experience, every time I fall asleep, I'd end up in this garden. It's always the same old people running around and playing about. I talk to each and every person in the garden whenever I'm asleep. It's like my mind created this place as a way of helping me. There is always a family of four having a picnic at the far right of the garden; they're the McDuffs. There are benches painted in milky white in every corner of the garden. On one of it, there is always a man in raggedy clothes sleeping; his name is John Smith. I never really talk to him much because he scares me a little. And of course, on the other bench there is Alfie, in his Wiener Hut uniform of red and white stripes.

Over the time, I've come to the conclusion that each and every person in this garden is different sides of me. For example, the McDuff's is my dream of having a happy family and John Smith is that broken part of me. Alfie, is the part of me that wants to get better. He is always talking to me and asking on how my day went or even giving me an advice or two. Like I said, this garden is my own therapy session. I walked pass the McDuff's, wishing them a pleasant morning, as I walked towards Alfie.

"Good Morning, Liz," Alfie said with a bright smile, revealing his dimple.

"Morning," I said, taking a seat next to him.

We just sat there for a while, looking at the McDuff's enjoying themselves. Their children laughing and giggling all the way. "You know, I always picture what it would be like to have a family. Sometimes I would even plan conversations with them in my head," I said smiling at the sight of the McDuff's.

"What about Sam and Dean? Aren't they something like family?" Alfie asked.

I sighed. "They are. In fact they are more than family to me; they're my life. But sometimes I just can't help but feel a little left out. Because like it or not, Sam and Dean are brothers, they share the same blood and I'm just that lost girl trying to fit in."

"There's nothing wrong with trying to fit in as long as they accept you for who you are, you know," Alfie pointed out. "And you know better than anyone, on how much Sam and Dean cares for you. They've been looking after you; constantly checking up on you because to them, deep down inside, you are family."

"Sometimes, I'm amazed by myself. I mean like you're me and so technically I'm advising myself," I thought out loud.

Alfie leaned in closer. "Now the important question here is that am I helping you?"

I thought about it. "Actually, yeah. No matter how hard Sam and Dean try to get me to open up to them, I still feel like I'm a burden. Sure they are there for me but when stuff happens, things regarding myself, my demons and battles, I just feel so alone. And I just can't tell anyone, not even Sam and Dean about it. I just can't and that frustrates me a lot. It's like why can't I just be like a normal person and talk about my problems to them; I can't even do that," I said, tearing up.

Alfie placed his hands around my shoulder and pulled me closer till my head was lying on his right shoulder.

"I mean they'll probably listen," I continued. "But they…they just don't know everything. There's just some things I can't share and sometimes it kills me from the inside. Bottling things up and putting on that mask. The only place that I can talk about my problem is at this place. Of course I'm probably talking to myself right now. But I'm just so broken that it doesn't matter. As long as I have someone to comfort me you know."

Alfie kept rubbing my right arm in comfort. "It's okay. I'll always be here for you."

That's when Dean's voice broke through the sky in the garden. "Liz, wake up."

"Oh look, you're waking up," Alfie pointed out.

I grunted. "Already?" It just felt like time passed so fast.

"Just go on. I'll still be here waiting for you," Alfie said smiling.

I closed my eyes and opened it to find Dean bouncing on my bed like an eight year old.

"Rise and shine Liz!" He kept yelling.

I groaned. "Fine! Stop bouncing already."

Of course my relationship with them remained the same. They try to avoid my self harm addiction but like I said; I'm constantly being monitored. But they still joke around with me and try their best to make me feel comfortable.

Dean stood up. "Sam managed to track that goddamn demon slicing those ladies so chop, chop," he said clapping his hands and leaving my room.

My heart was pounding so hard I could literally hear it in the silence of the warehouse. Earlier Sam, Dean and I scattered around to search for this demon. I've been hunting for years but I have to admit that it still gets to me.

That's when I heard the sound of tables falling off. I ran towards the direction of the sound to find the vessel that the demon had possessed holding Dean by the neck while it had Sam pinned to the wall. I knew what the protocol for this was: run. Sam and Dean had told me that if both of them were ever kept down in a hunt, then I should just run because that means things aren't safe anymore. But looking at them now, I couldn't just leave them.

I ran towards the demon and tackled him to the floor. Sam yelled. "No Liz! Just get away! Run!"

But I was struggling with the demon who had already thrown Dean across the room. In a blink of an eye, the demon snatched my anti-possession chain. Unlike Sam and Dean, I never had one tattooed. In a second, I felt the demon entering my body and taking control.

Dean ran towards me but stopped when the demon used my hand and place it at my abdomen; threatening to slice it up. Even though I wasn't in control of my body, I could hear the panic in Dean's voice. "Just let her go. She's got nothing to do with this," he tried negotiating.

The demon chuckled using my voice. "That gives me more reasons to just do it."

I tried to take control. Blocking the demon from my mind. That's when I heard Alfie's voice in my head.

Just focus on my voice. Listen to it.

I did as the voice told me to; knowing that it was just myself telling me what to do. In a matter of seconds, the demon screamed. "No! What?! How is she doing this?!" I forced it out of myself as I focused on Alfie's voice; causing the demon to enter the vessel it had used earlier.

Dean looked startled but quickly let it pass as he exorcised the demon. We were just quiet as the poor vessel woke up. Sam helped him up and we entered the impala. After dropping the boy off, I was expecting Dean to burst out on me but he didn't. And I knew exactly why; because he was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle it. This is one of the reasons why I never told them about my self harm addiction because I knew that they would pity me.

As we pulled out at the bunker, I asked, " Can I take her for a ride?"

Sam and Dean shared a look. That's when Dean said, "Why don't I go with you?"

That's it! I just want some space for myself! "Look guys, I'm not going to do anything! Why can't you just trust me?"

Sam's jaw tightened. "Okay, but only for twenty minutes, then back here," he, warned.

I nodded, got in the impala and drove away. Finally! This was the first time that I had ever been alone after my near death experience. And I knew exactly what I had to do; I was going to cut. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I want to kill myself, no. I just couldn't let go of everything that happened in the warehouse. I messed things up again but Sam and Dean just kept mum about it.

I opened the dashboard and took Dean's pocket knife out. Of course I couldn't cut in places that I used to because Sam always does this inspection thing with me before I go to sleep and after showering. I still had two places that he would never check. So I zipped down my jeans and embraced myself for this one cut. One and a half years of not cutting and finally I'm about to do it again.

Just as I was about to cut, I heard a familiar voice. "Put that knife down."

I turned to the passenger seat. "Alfie!"

FINALLY! I CAN UPDATE THIS STORY!

Anyways, thanks to those who followed, favourite and reviewed it the last time!