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Shego and Company - Morning After Pills

I creak out a groan when the light hits my eyes. Damn blinds, always lets in sunlight through that one crack that's always somehow pointed right at my head. I look at the clock radio but I can't make out the numbers, I'm too fucking hung over to focus right now. I roll out of bed and my mouth tastes like two week old bile. Always happens when I get smashed out of my skull, can't even remember most of last night. Wait, it's starting to roll back into focus. We went out, I smashed the bartender's nose in... fuck it, I'm sure I'll remember the rest later. My clothes smell like shit and there's a nasty tear in my nicest pants. Glad I stole these. Peel these off and slide on a pair of jeans, much better. I need to rinse out my mouth with something; Listerine, rubbing alcohol, anything to get the taste out of my mouth. Looks like I'm not the only one having morning trouble, when I step into the bathroom I see Lynn's face deep in the toilet, holding on to it for dear life. "You gonna puke or are you just getting chummy with a brown log?"

I twist the cap off the mouthwash while she flips me off with a shaky hand. "H..ey, fuck you. I haven't been drunk in... fuck, too damn long. I feel like shit."

I slam back a mouthful of green stuff and swish it around my mouth. Fuck, that shit stings! I spit it out and gasp for breath. "Fuck... I hate using this crap, it's like acid piss." I look back at Lynn and she still hasn't booted. "What are you waiting for?"

"Ugh... I feel something... I think. I puked ten minutes ago and now I'm too scared to pull my head out."

Well, that was nice to know. I go to the kitchen and slide a pair of pop tarts into the toaster. Damn things will make me ass swell up but I'm too fucking out of it to make anything that needs more work than pushing down a lever. While they cooked, I pop in about four aspirins in my mouth and try to wash them down with a bottle of water I blindly grab from the fridge. I end up spitting the stuff out along with three of the pills. Instead of a bottle of regular water, it was that flavored water Lynn goes so crazy for. Meh, not bad, I guess, just caught me by surprise. Hangover headaches trump dignity, I pick up the little brown bastards and pop them back into my mouth. When I finally choke them all down with a mouthful of Cheery Cherry Oasis, Lynn comes stumbling out of the toilet. "You toss again or just got tired of waiting?"

She plops herself down on the counter the same time my ass fattening pastries jump out the toaster. "Hey...Shego, do you know where I left my..." she pauses to let out a wet fart. Fuck, if it sounds that nasty, I can only imagine how bad it's going to smell. "Fuck, sorry. Anyway, do you know where I left my switchblade? It wasn't in my jeans."

Good question, I can't remember anything too clearly but I do remember her knife last night. I take a bite out of one of the pop tarts while I think it over. Damn it's nice to have something hot and sugary in my mouth, to hell with the cellulite. "I think you used it last night. Yeah, we mugged... someone and then you pulled it out."

She just sat their, staring at me blankly while I went to town on that toaster treat. She finally remembers what I was talking about. "Oh yeah, when we broke into that asshole's house. Now I remember."

Wait, did we break into a house last night? "I don't remember a break in. I remember robing some douche but... fuck, rest's a blur."

"Yeah, it was your idea. Don't you remember? You were a lot less shit-faced than I was last night, I kept falling over."

Fuck, this always happens when I drink. "Nah, I just hold up better when I'm drunk but the morning after, it's like fucking Drain-o through my head. I can't remember too much of last night."

"Shit, really? You were pretty fucking vicious. I mean, yeah, I fucking crucified that asshole when I skewered my knife through his hand."

"What?! Why did you do that?"

She just shrugs. "I was running on Kamikazes and jello shoots, I just went with it, I guess. But you, you fucking made that bitch your bitch... what... yeah, whatever. You pinned her against the wall and fucking clawed her face off, it was fucking hardcore!"

Wait... that can't be right. I thought I had a dream about... no, fuck I did. I always do something stupid when I'm that drunk. "Well fuck, that just fucks up everything."

"What?"

I grab the other pop tart and hand it to her. "Witnesses, DNA trail, fucking CSI supervillain! Lynn, we massacred a prison and ditched Global Justice. We pop back on the grid and we'll have holy hell to pay."

My little blonde daredevil just stares at me, taking it all in before she takes a huge bite out of that still steaming pastry. "So what? Kim Possible retired, who's going to catch us?"

Hearing her say that stings a little. Don't know why but I turn away so she can't see my face flinch. "GJ shock troops, really pissed off feds, take your pick. You'll wish Kimmie was coming after us." I say this next thought under my breath but she hears it. "I know I do."

"What? Did you just... oh man!" She starts laughing it up, I guess she's getting over the hangover already.

"What's so damn funny?"

"Oh my god, you actually miss her!"

"Fuck you!"

"No, be honest, you do! Shit, now it makes sense, why you tore that red head apart last night. You miss it, the old cat and mouse, good versus evil, all that big theatrical bullshit. Fuck Shego, you're a grade A campy villain!"

Hate to admit it but the cunt struck a nerve there. I get pissed off enough to fire a warning shot at her. Problem is, I'm still too hung over to aim straight and I end up scrapping her forearm. No big, it was only a mild shot, nothing serious, doesn't even leave a burn mark. "You see this? You see me? Do you see my green tint complexion? Do you see the energy bolts that come out of my fucking hands?! What else am I going to do with my life? Be a drug queen? Go into professional wrestling? These powers didn't leave a lot of career options! I'm the freak, the weirdo! It's either supervillainy or superheroics. Either way, I'm stuck living the cape life. You have a choice, you can go to another country, duck the law, live any new life you want. Me? Even if I could wait out the heat, I'm marked. They wouldn't let someone like me just assimilate into their normal world and criminals normally don't like mixing with mad scientists and super freaks. That fucking rock branded me a campy villain the day it fell in my backyard!"

Lynn rubs her sore spot until it goes numb. I really snapped this time but she looks unfazed by it. "Yeah, but you were on the other side of the cape once, weren't you? Playing superhero with your brothers?"

"You're point?"

"This thing you got for Kim, I think I get it."

"Ugh, not listening."

"You're jealous!"

I nearly break my hand from how hard I slammed my fist on the counter when she said that. "What!?"

"Admit it! You are! Yeah, you had no choice when you got your powers so you played Justice League with your brothers. Well, until you decided to do your own thing anyway. Then Kim Possible comes along, no powers, doing it all because she wants to and she does it better than you did! That's why she's always on your mind, she's better than you and it pisses you off!"

I pull back my hand to claw her eyes out but she just stands there, like she's daring me to. Fucking cunt is fearless. I'm not in the right set of mind to have this fight, can't think straight. In the end, I break down. "Yes, fine, I am! I couldn't stand the whole hero thing so I quit, tried to find something without so much responsibility. Seeing the princess do what I did, but more, with so much ease just pisses me off to no end! If she was getting paid to do all that, I probably wouldn't even care about the skank but the fact that she does it out of the goodness of that bleeding little heart of her's... it just makes me... makes me...!" I scream out and blow up the microwave in a hissy fit. "She does it on purpose, she's just rubbing my nose in it, I just know it!"

Lynn grabs my hand and tries to calm me down. "Then let's just kill her!"

I shove her away. "Kill her? There's no point in killing her, she's retired!"

"So?"

"So I'm not the one who made her quit!" After that little genie was out of the bottle, I finally started to calm down. "It's not fair... she was suppose to quit because of me. I was going to break her spirit, show her what happens when you think you can just up and one day start playing superheroine to the world. What's the point of having powers, having a fucked up life, if it doesn't make you any better than the prom queen? I had to lose my mom to get these powers, why does she get to have her's and be such hot shit? It's just so fucking unfair... I hate her so much and now... I'll never have my revenge."

She slips her arms around me and kisses my jaw. "Then let's get you your revenge. That bitch is too high and mighty to keep to herself, she'll go back to her busybody ways sooner or later. And when she does, you and me baby, we'll make her beg for mercy."

I turn to her and kiss her lips. "You always say the sweetest things. Thanks." The sentiment calmed me down but I know it's an empty gesture in the big scheme of things. "We're still royally fucked though. I pull an all nighter that they pin on you, our little late night adventure, god knows what Camille does when she's..." Shit, I didn't realize it until now. "Where is she anyway?"

"We ditched her, she was passed out at the bar like a freshman. I guess she never found a ride."

Fuck, that's just perfect. "We need to leave L.A., like now. After we find her, we haul ass somewhere safe, until they give up looking for us."

"And then what?"

I grab my fat bag of cash and drop it at Lynn's feet. "I don't know about you but I'm going to devote every waking minute into forcing Kimmie back into uniform and when she does, I'll be there to break every bone in her body. She's going to be beaten, humiliated, broken... and I'm going to be the one that does it."

Lynn picks up the bag and smirks at me. "No, we'll be doing it together."

"Sure, why not? I'm flexible."