I loved this episode! I watched it twice and wrote this, but I didn't have time to quickly correct it until now. It's 1:40am now so good night and enjoy! XD

11X19 THE CHITTERS - CODA

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"What's it like settling down with a hunter?" Dean asked and regretted it the second after. Fuck. Why did he ask them that? Even Sam was looking at him, and even though it didn't have to mean anything, he didn't dare to look back.

"Smelly, dirty." Caesar chuckled. He looked at Jesse when he continued. "Twice the worrying about getting ganked." They all laughed a bit and Caesar looked back at Dean. He didn't say anything though, and Dean tried his best to forget he had ever asked that question.

It wasn't like he didn't want anyone to know, but... yeah. He didn't want anyone to know, except he guessed Sam already knew anyway. They slept in the same room for thirty years, they knew each other perfectly. But the thing was, Dean never really said it out loud. He hasn't even admitted it to himself yet. Like, yeah, he knew. He knew he had a massive gay crush on his friend angel, but talking about it was a chick flick moment and everyone knew Dean wasn't very fond of them.

Sometimes he just lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling and all he could think about was: Cas. Cas. Castiel. Cas. Caaaaaaas.

And then the guy appeared next to him in his room and Dean jumped and called him weird for spying on him. He was a fucking moron, that's what he was. He should've told him how much he cared about him. If he had, there was a good chance Cas wouldn't have said yes to Lucifer.

"Can you take us there?" Sam asked Jesse and Caesar and Dean tuned back into the conversation. He was lost in his mind way to often lately. "It seems like he was honing in on some of the missing."

"We need to find the burrow." Jesse argued. He wanted his revenge and both Sam and Dean understood that.

"Jess." Caesar stopped him as he leaned closer to his husband. "We've been beating around the woods for two days."

"That's where they are. You saw the tracks!"

"I can keep searching on my own. We're losing." Caesar and Jesse stared at each other.

"Why don't I go with you?" Dean offered them. He needed to go out there finally and kill those sons of bitches before he started to feel bad again. Every second spent just talking or sleeping and not doing anything, not at least helping, was one second not spent searching for Cas, and he hated that feeling. It felt as if he was failing him somehow. "We'll start where I got jumped."

"Okay." Caesar nodded.

The plan was set and Dean was eager to get into the Impala and start driving. He could feel his palms itch and it stopped only when he grabbed the steering wheel and felt like he was helping, felt useful. Another thing he should have told his angel – he didn't have to be useful in order to stay with the Winchesters, he was family. Always welcome. The bunker seemed empty without him.

"And the insane thing is, how many hunters have you seen over the years get their revenge?" Caesar asked. They were closer to the woods already and they were talking. No music this time.

"A few." Dean answered and shrugged. The Winchesters got their revenge many years ago. The Yellow Eyes – Azazel – was dead after all, but since then so much other shit has happened that if Dean wanted to get revenge for all of that, he'd spend the rest of his life just looking for it. He had to learn to let it go unless it was something really important and about people he loved – Sammy and Cas. And Bobby. They avenged Bobby's death by killing that dick. Pun intended.

"Yeah. Me, too." Caesar sighed. "And they are never fixed, are they?"

"No, I guess not... But you gotta help him get that revenge anyway." He looked at Caesar and Caesar looked at him and nodded. Dean was right. Jesse needed to get his revenge tonight or it'll eat him alive. He'd be able to wait another 27 years for sure, but that would destroy him. And Caesar too.

"And what about you?" Caesar suddenly asked. "Ever thought about settling down? Having a normal life like normal people do?"

You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life? Sam's words echoed in his mind, but ignored them.

"Normal life is boring." Dean said instead. Of course he had a different answer, but he didn't want to bring up Cas. Not now, when he finally felt useful again. "But they don't have to worry about things that we worry about."

"Yeah, they worry about work and bills and taxes."

They both laughed at that, but the unanswered question hung in the air, waiting to be answered by Dean. And Dean didn't know if he should be honest with Caesar or if he should leave Cas completely out of this conversation. He didn't want Sam to know about any of this, but on the other side... Caesar and Jesse were the only gay hunters that Dean has ever met and he felt like... maybe he should ask them something about their life, but as soon as he thought about that, he mentally slapped himself for even considering it. His problems were his to deal with. He didn't have to include other people. And he wasn't gay anyway.

"But still," Caesar smiled slightly. "It's nice not working alone. Jesse and I have a deal, you know." That caught Dean's attention. "When we finish this hunt, if we catch 'em, we hang up our spurs."

"That's nice." Dean smiled.

"Yeah. I see you've got your brother, so you're not alone. That's good, because hunting alone?" He looked at Dean. "Not fun."

"Yeah, definitely not fun." Dean laughed. "You've always got to have someone who has your back. I have Sammy... and Cas." He added warily. He knew Caesar looked at him, but he didn't dare to look back, he kept his eyes on the dark road in front of them.

"Another friend of yours?"

"Yeah. An angel." Dean smiled when he remembered the first time he met Castiel in that barn. That was exactly seven years ago, just like Jesse and Caesar who met seven years ago too. And Cas was still alright back then. His wings were huge and beautiful, every feather was a piece of heavenly perfection. Now? Cas was damaged and he barely had any feathers left. All thanks to the Winchesters, mostly to Dean himself.

"I knew that couldn't have been a meteor shower three years ago." Caesar chuckled. "But Jesse and I never really looked into it. I think we were hunting a rugaru back then."

"The angles were falling." Dean explained. "But we dealt with them and now they're back in Heaven, where they belong. We met Cas long before that." He added and a small smile returned to his face. "He saved me and since then... we became family. It's the three of us. Me, Sammy and Cas."

"Nice." Caesar nodded. "So you've already settled down, I see." He smiled.

"You could say so."

Before Caesar could say something else, Dean stopped the car. When they looked outside through the window, there was the forest they were heading to. Dean was glad it was the end of their conversation though, he didn't know if he could talk any longer about Cas. He felt guilty whenever he thought about him and literally everything reminded him of his blue eyed friend.

That's why he opened the trunk, got some weapons and nodded at Caesar. He couldn't wait to kill those sons of bitches and then return to research. Because no matter what hunt Sam wants to make him go to next time, he'll say no. Not without Cas.

xoXÖXox

When Jesse and Caesar left and it was only Sam and Dean in the Impala, everything changed for Dean. He felt useless again and he felt the need to return to the bunker and get back to the research on how to save Cas, because there just had to be something useful in all the bunker records.

Dean was seated behind the steering wheel, eager to drive back home, but not even after an hour of driving, they had to switch places with Sam. Dean was just too tired to drive and he'd kill them both. The amount of sleep he got for the past week was minimal and he figured he could use some sleep while driving home because once they get back to the bunker, Dean won't leave the library until he finds something. Anything.

After another half an hour of staring out of the window while his eyes kept closing on their own accord, Sam sighed loudly.

"Dean, you really should get some sleep." He told his brother. "I can knock you out if you don't."

Dean didn't laugh at that, he just kept looking out of the window. "I know Sammy, I know." He said and yawned. He wanted to sleep, he really wanted to just close his eyes and let the rumble of his Baby lull him into sleep. But even though he wanted to, he couldn't. Every damn time he closed his eyes and leaned his head against the cold window, he thought about him. He saw Lucifer wearing Cas' face, laughing at him and he saw Castiel being tortured by Amara. He couldn't stop the thoughts and he didn't know if it would get any better.

"You're still not sleeping." Sam's voice brought him back to reality and he closed his eyes and rubbed them with his fingers.

"Do you think I don't know that?" Dean groaned and opened his eyes again. "I just... I can't." He added silently.

Sam was silent too for a while. He quickly looked at Dean, who leaned his head against the cold window again and then he looked back on the road. "We'll get him back, Dean. We'll get Cas back."

"What if we don't." Dean couldn't help but say. It's been way too long since Cas said yes to Lucifer and now that Amara had him... what if he was already dead? Or what if they save him, but he's never going to be the same?

"We will. I'll make sure of it. I'll help you with the research, and I won't look for other hunts this time." Sam promised and glanced at Dean again. His eyes were closed. "And you know what, we'll call Crowley and Rowena. They both have knowledge that we don't, they might get some new ideas that we haven't thought about before and then we'll get Cas back and lock Lucifer back in the cage and we'll get rid of Amara."

"Hmm," Dean hummed. Sam's words made it all sound too easy, but they also brought something back inside Dean – hope, which he had almost lost. "Sounds nice." He added.

Sam smiled at that. "We'll get him back. You'll see."

"Yeah." Dean whispered, he was almost asleep. "Gotta get him back."

That was the last sentence he said before Sam heard his soft snoring. Dean was finally asleep and they were on their way back to the bunker with new hope to find and save Cas. Sam had to make sure they'd find Cas because recently he realized that if something happened to Cas, it would affect Dean too. More than Dean himself was willing to admit.

Sam would probably get over it... eventually he'd be alright. But Dean? He feared that Dean would never be the same if they ever lost Cas. There was a special bond between the angel and his brother – a profound bond. Sam hadn't realized it before, but now he could see just how much they cared for each other. Almost as much as Jesse and Caesar.

And Sam knew what this meant. If those crazy heaven and hell battles and apocalyptic disasters slash monsters are ever over and they get some rest, he hoped Cas and Dean could settle down just like Jesse and Caesar want to. They both deserved it.

He glanced at his brother again and sighed. In a few hours they'd arrive at the bunker and get back to research and then they'd get Cas back so Dean and the angel could finally talk about things they didn't have courage to talk about before.

Sam smiled slightly. Soon.