Alternatives

by NuclearFirecracker

An alternate universe to the sequel, kept in (mostly) the same setting with a different plot and character changes. Erik escapes from France after his life shatters spectacularly and he has to make a strange pact with a person he barely knows. A story about loving, growing, and occasional adventures.

7. Happiness

7. Happiness

November 1884, Paris

„Erik, why did you avoid me for so long?"

„Because you were angry."

„I wasn't. Why would I be?"

„You seemed angry."

„Hmm." She looked at him with confusion, furrowing her brow. „What made you think that?"

„I don't know. Your voice. And..."he trailed off. He actually didn't know how he knew that; he just did.

„And what did you think I was angry about?"

„I don't know", he shrugged. She sat in silence, waiting stubbornly for him to answer. „Maybe because I was... bad."

„Bad?"

„I stole the managers' sweets." Which he personally saw no problem with, seeing as he was surviving exclusively off of stolen things at that moment. He had nothing that he'd bought, earned or received other than a set of clothes and one pair of gloves Antoinette gave him when she first brought him home.

„ I told you I wasn't angry about that. And you started avoiding me long before."

„I was bad long before that", he blurted out, not thinking. She was looking at him intently now.

„Don't stare at-"

„How long? Tell me honestly. Since when have you been bad?"

„Always. Since always."

She shook her head, looking like she was going to cry. Maybe she finally understood the truth.

„If some other boy – someone who wasn't bad since always – was in your place, do you think I'd be angry with him? That I would have any resonable cause to be so angry, that he'd have to be afraid and avoid me?"

„No."

„So you were afraid of me simply because you thought I'd realized you're just bad and have always been?"

He didn't want to answer that question. He got up, finished with the conversation. She tugged on his shirt lightly, trying to pull him to sit back.

„Wait just a minute, and then you can go. Just listen."

Maybe he could. He was bored without her anyway, and after he left he would have to wait several days before he could speak to her again.

„I think we've had a misunderstanding. But I have an idea how to resolve those in the future."

He nodded.

„Whenever you think I'm angry or something like that, or you're just not sure how I feel, just pretend, or imagine, that instead of you I'm talking to some other boy, like I just described. Someone who's not bad. And then you'll know."

„That's stupid. I'm not some other boy." Or a boy in general, he thought. I'm closer to an animal.

„I know you think that, but I don't think that. So just try. If you can't believe it, just pretend you're a normal boy I'm visiting and talking to. I promise you'll never misunderstand me if you do that. Can you try, maybe? You have nothing to lose."

„I could try."

„Thank you." She smiled. „It'll work, I promise."

November 1894, Coney Island

Erik felt so relieved on the day he finally got his arm back that he thought he might break into song and dance as the doctor took the immobilizing cast off of him. He was so beside himself he barely even noticed that the man was too close to him and touching his shoulder. He wanted to scale a cliff with his bare hands; he had been so trapped in the cast and in his own head that this small victory overwhelmed him with joy. Seeing as his head was still a mess, having all of his appendages back would have to be enough for now, even if his arm might take some time to regain its previous functionality.

The past few months had been disturbing to Erik, to put it mildly. He was quite certain they had been disturbing to people around him as well. This goddamn episode had stirred some things inside him that he thought he had pushed deep enough not to ever encounter again, and yet, at the first loss of control over this safe little world he had created they resurfaced just the same. He'd lost control over his body, over his mind, and as he had come to realize, over his heart as well.

Erik spent weeks after the robbery incident waiting for Alina to finally come to her senses and realize she needed to get out of there and out of his vicinity, but she stubbornly persisted even as he made a fool of himself in his dramatic misery. He could not fathom why she was still here, he could not imagine her thinking of him as anything but a monster now that she had seen – and heard – all of that. But she was still here, with that same warm demeanor even after she'd seen his disfigured face and as the thought finally settled in his thick skull, he'd decided it would be better if he made it worth her while.

The only catharsis that came for Erik out of that whole period was the realization that he really did care for Alina. Even as he argued with her and avoided her, the thought of her actually leaving filled him with dread and he had no more energy to pretend otherwise. He had to admit it at least to himself, seeing as he would never be able to admit it to her, that he loved her. It was a simple truth, but immense in its implications and once it was out in the open it tinted everything around him with its colorful, dreadful brushstrokes. He thought about it as she left in the mornings and he wished to take her hand and ask her to stay a little longer, he thought about it during the day when she wasn't there and he wished to hear her voice and he thought about it in the evenings when she came back and he wished to bury his face in her soft, dark hair. It took an insane amount of composure not to reveal what he was thinking. He had resigned himself to simply watch from a distance, terrified of what would happen if he gave any of it away. He had already been given more than he had hoped for. He had no wish to destroy it with his greedy, selfish tendencies.

It was work that occupied Erik in the end and pulled him out of his wallowing. It provided a healthy distraction from things he could not bear to think about. He threw himself into sketching, constructing and bringing to life numerous illusions and tricks and it gave him a sense of competence and confidence he had otherwise been lacking lately. Having a new partner where there had only been two of them so far was a sudden, drastic change, but Jack proved to be skilled, adaptable and smart enough for them all to find a way to cooperate. Erik had to admit everything was much easier now – nothing shook Jack; he was completely calm through situations that would send Alina or Erik spiraling into frustration and anger, and he had a certain sense for business that made negotiating and presenting Erik's ideas end up well-received most times. He was also, thankfully, completely uninterested in Alina in any romantic way. In Erik's mind he could already see the two of them together when Alina first came to him with the idea to include Jack; it made him panic for days. It seemed, however, that would not happen at all.

Still, the dynamic shifted noticeably and they all had to get used to it. Jack turned out to be less infuriating than they had previously imagined. Alina and Erik both had to admit they'd grown somewhat fond of his amusing presence and his constant torrent of words. Jack seemed to enjoy their company as well, even as he kept his distance and appeared to sometimes simply observe them with amusement like actors on a stage.

With all that, Alina and Erik finally had some time to breathe since the immense amount of things that still had to be done was split between three people instead of two. Alina started going on more walks and spending time with Yana again. They saved most of their money so they could get a decent living, but the small amount she did spend, she used on new books and clothes. The small change clearly left a great impact on her – she walked straight again, with more confidence; her eyes had a spark in them whenever she had enough time to read. The two of them also had time to talk again in the evenings, and she often asked Erik to play or sing something for her. He would often oblige, and even though he couldn't make himself express what he really wanted to, it would sometimes slip out of him as a gentle shift in melodies and atmospheres. He could never tell if she noticed it or not, but she would be enchanted by the music nevertheless. She would praise him with excitement after every composition and he shamelessly enjoyed it.

ooo

Winter came again, and one cold morning Erik woke up to see a soft white blanket on the ground.

The world has a way of coming to a standstill on snowy mornings, he thought looking out the window. All movement outside was slow, all sound was muffled. He stood quietly by the window, enjoying the scene. It was ethereal, serene, and he wanted to savor the moment.

Behind him, the door to Alina's room opened abruptly with a loud bang and she practically ran out, in her nightdress and her hair down and messy, still holding her blanket around her. She stormed through the room to the window where he was standing in a second, opened it, and leaned outside.

„FIRST SNOW!" she started laughing excitedly, eyes sparkling and hair flowing around her face.

Erik's ears hurt, so he automatically brought his fingers to rub his temples. „Who are you yelling for? Everyone knows."

„THE SKY!" she held out her arms high above her.

„I'm sure the sky is aware as well."

„I'm expressing my gratitude!" She kept laughing, leaning through. The cold air bit her eventually, so she begrudgingly got inside and closed the window. She looked at Erik, still messy and unkempt, and so, so happy; it was so contagious. He considered for a moment grabbing her and spinning her around, but he just smiled.

„What is this sudden outburst for? You've seen snow before."

She beamed at him. „I love it! It's beautiful! This is my favorite season!" she stormed off to put water on the stove for coffee.

„I was just thinking that when you ruined my moment." Erik chuckled. „It was very romantic before you stormed in like a cavalry."

„Nonsense! I am the messenger of joy and love!" she laughed before settling down. „Amelija and I would always get a little crazy this time of year. I love snow, and holidays are coming soon, and I hope you're aware I will make a very big deal out of it all."

I'm afraid to ask. „In what way?"

„I will decorate the house, and you'll help me." He didn't care about decorating or holidays for that matter, but she was so happy he might actually do it. „I'll get us some nice wine for a change, and I'll make cakes, traditional ones so if you don't eat them you'll be offending my entire culture. And then my great-grandma's ghost will come and haunt you."

„I won't notice the difference. What's one more Borichevich pestering me everyday?"

She slapped his arm lightly in that same manner Antoinette used to. „That's not fair! I'm nice! Granny would just follow you around telling you to comb your hair and trying to correct your posture."

„Exactly the same, then."

Rolling her eyes, she continued. „There will be presents as well. I'm trying to think of something for Yana, and maybe Jack. I already have yours."

„I don't want- you already have it?" This took him by surprise; he wasn't expecting one and didn't know how to react to it. „What is it?"

„I'm not going to tell you, you spoiled child! December barely started, you're getting it on Christmas day like the rest of us!"

„Sorry, I just didn't think – I had no idea you'd get me something. I don't have anything for you yet." He suddenly became aware of how pathetic that probably sounds. „Why are you even doing this?"

„Because I want to, obviously. You're dear to me and you're getting a gift, and that's the end of it." She crossed her arms, trying to look strict, but he could see a blush creeping up her face, slowly and adorably. Erik couldn't help but smile at the sight.

„I'll just have to take this seriously, then. Is there anything you wish for specifically?"

„I don't really know – you don't actually have to get me anything! But if you want to, I'll be happy, whatever you choose. It's the sentiment that counts, isn't it?"

„I suppose so." Was he brave enough to give her something that would show his actual sentiment? He would have to think about it. Meanwhile, they needed to go. „You should hurry with that coffee. Jack is waiting for us. I need to give him the new papers, and you need to discuss finances with Tilyou."

„I'll be ready in a moment."

She won't, of course. Erik took some more time to enjoy this morning while she got dressed. She came out of her room just as he decided to try knocking, wearing a familiar fur hat.

„Hello again. I forgot you had that hat."

„I forgot where I put it, which is why it took so long. I haven't worn it since February", she looked into the window to fix her hair. Maybe it's time I bought us a mirror. „It's so strange, remembering when I last had it. We had just arrived, remember? Everything has changed so much."

„You're right. I haven't thought of it before. It's like a different lifetime."

„Yes. This city was so strange to me, you were so strange to me, when I think about it, I completely forgot about that, these days I'm much happier and much less confused around you", she said quickly in one breath, hoping she wouldn't blush again, and turned around. „Alright, we can go."

Lately she had been planting subtle remarks like these often when she talked to him. Erik couldn't tell what she meant by them, but he savoured them just the same. Maybe he could be a tiny bit more open as well, he decided. She was right: a year ago he couldn't have imagined this, the two of them as friends and her smiling at him so often. Times had indeed changed; it might be time for him to shift as well.

ooo

As the weather grew cold, the children grew jittery and tired. They wanted to be let home for the holidays; not to mention it was harder for them to get up for school on cold dark mornings. Alina could understand them. She had to think of new ways to make them interested, so she organized different activities – she made all the kids write little essays on how they celebrate seasonal holidays, and she took them on small trips around so they could play in the snow during the day and let out the extra energy. She wanted the school to have a choir, but they needed someone to lead it, someone to teach them and someone to arrange the songs. She realized Erik could probably write them down for her and arrange them, but she'd have to let someone else lead it. Since they were all very busy already, she'd have to put that on hold for now. Especially since some of the kids don't even have proper winter clothing. The school had to organize and get them some; everytime Alina would see a child shivering on the way to school she wanted to scream and break things. So she went door-to-door asking people to donate. She organized sales, and events in the school, to get enough old children's clothes so that they didn't have to freeze in class. She had to engage in several more arguments with her benefactors who seemed to think she was just demanding more and more nonsense from them, not realizing a child couldn't really learn to read and write if they're dying of whooping cough or tuberculosis. The results were not perfect, but they were something. The worst of winter would come after Christmas, after all. If she kept pressing people, she hoped they'd have enough by then. Alina thought the poor kids' parents would complain and get offended when she offered them spare clothing, but to her surprise they were mostly... to put it frankly, more people gave her teary hugs than she had ever expected them to. It was uncomfortable, sometimes, but Alina had to admit – she liked being appreciated for something she'd put a lot of effort into.

Jack closed his shop shortly after the first snowfall; tourists barely came this late in the year. He mostly stayed with them helping Erik or discussing nuances with Tilyou. The park was said to open in late spring; Jack was overseeing some of the work to make sure they were following Erik's instructions carefully. He showed Alina some of them – there was a whole attraction which was essentially a maze made of moving mirrors controlled by one hidden operator, and several other – obstacle courses, so to speak. He'd designed various buildings, and a Ferris wheel, and he'd added more mechanical toys, and instruments that play on their own. Alina was amazed.

„How did you learn to make this? When? This is... I don't know, I'm speechless. How are you so good at so many things?" she couldn't stop looking at them.

„I picked it up, here and there. I found blueprints of the Opera building, they kept them after it was made. I watched how they made things back at the circus because I had nothing better to do. Besides, I read a lot. I always have. I used to steal all the books I could find when I couldn't get them through normal means."

„This is incredible. You're very talented." She finally tore away from the plans to look at him.

„It's nothing. I just... learned. I had nothing to do." He fumbled a bit, adjusting his mask, scratching the back of his head.

„A lot of people have nothing to do, but they don't learn to make such amazing things. Give yourself some credit."Alina was beginning to realize she shouldn't insist on complimenting him too much because he seemed to be physically unable to accept it. It still means something. We should tell him nice things more often. He doesn't seem to be aware at all.

ooo

Amelija,

I'm writing to tell you two things – first of all, you won another bet. I'm not going to tell you which one, because I want you to suffer a little more before you find out.

Second, I want to wish you a merry Christmas. Today I woke up to first snow this season, and I thought of you. I'm sorry we can't spend this Christmas together – but I'll be making our traditional cookies so at least the Yankees will learn SOME proper culture. Bastards wouldn't know olive oil from lard and coffee from... whatever it is they drink, really. I miss real turkish coffee. I'll be making those little folded paper stars grandma taught us how to make – if I can still remember how we made them, of course. Pray for me.

I'm going to celebrate with some friends I've made here - I wish you could meet them, I think you'd like them. Erik is very Erik agreed to help me with the Christmas celebration and I fully intend to take advantage of him it. I'm inviting Yana as well – I hope her job moves from this standstill soon – and Jack, I have a feeling you'd love Jack, he reminds me a bit of you (by which I mean he has a big mouth and he's very annoying). We should arrange for you to come visit sometime when we I get a nicer house.

How are you doing? How are mama and tata? Send them my love if they're done ignoring me, but if they're not, just let them stew some more. I hope you'll have a nice Christmas this year; although I'd say it will be quite boring without me there to be snappy and inappropriate. Tell cousin Jelka I'm betting your hairpins on mama being the center of the first argument this year.

Love,

Alina.

Alina definitely knew how to make the little folded paper stars. She knew how to make them, she just had to remember the steps. She'd done this a thousand times and she still forgets every year. I don't know how to make them anymore. I have to remember how to make them! She threw her hands in frustration, looking at the table filled with small strips of paper. Many of them were crumpled up or ripped, and others folded in unfinished star-shapes. Now she'd have to clean this all up.

„Do you need any help with that?" Erik offered from his side of the table, not looking up from his drawings.

„No, I just... we used to make them every year, and every year I forget how they're made and then I have to guess it step-by-step again. It's harder without mama and Amelija. I think Amelija actually knows by now." She stared at the paper stubbornly.

„You could just ask her."

„Yes, I could", she nodded, „but her answer won't arrive on time. I want to have some for Christmas."

„It doesn't matter that much. You can make other decorations, and I'm sure it'll still be lovely", he said absentmindedly.

„It does matter!" the stupid paper strips were infuriating to look at. „It matters, because we all used to make them together, and now they're all thousands of miles away and I have to make them so I don't forget!" she felt her vision getting blurry.

He looked up for the first time. „So you don't forget?"

„So I don't forget what we did! No-one here... on this backwards continent does it the same way! I know there are Croats here but I'm not around them much! They have different habits, and different faces, and no-one here knows how to make paper stars! And now I can't just go back and ask how exactly we did it!"

„Do you want to? Go back?"

Alina sighed. „No. I just want to remember where I came from. What these holidays used to mean to me and people in my hometown. I don't want to forget who I am. And these... things, these traditions, have always been important to Amelija, and... I miss her, that's all. I miss them all."

He was looking at her, but once again Alina couldn't tell what he was thinking through the goddamn mask.

„What else did you make? Aside from the stars?"

„We would put a wreath on the table with four candles, and light one each Sunday", she started to remember. Erik noticed her eyes glinted slightly. „And we'd plant wheat on st. Lucy, and then it would grow by Christmas. And we'd put a big fir branch somewhere in the living room and decorate it, because no-one wanted to bother chopping down a tree. And we'd sing a lot, Christmas songs and whatnot. Amelija loves to sing. We both do", she concluded, smiling.

„How do you say 'Merry Christmas' in Croatian?"

„Sretan Božić."

He repeated it back, only semi-horribly.

„That's not bad", she laughed in surprise, „ You have a good ear for languages. Maybe that's why you learned English so fast."

„I wasn't that bad at English to begin with", he shrugged. „I had never spoken it, but I could understand it, and read it. I taught myself a little. I would say my problem wasn't speaking English, so much as speaking in general."

„What do you mean?" Alina asked, confused. „You speak just fine. Always have."

„And yet, when we met, I barely spoke to anyone at all."

„That's true.", she nodded, recalling it. „I thought it was just a preference. But you seemed... withdrawn. And miserable."

He leaned back, scratching his chin. „You're not wrong. I just don't have the habit to make contact with people. I always dealt with things on my own. When I met Antoinette I didn't speak at all, even though I knew how, because I didn't think I would gain anything from it."

„Oh. I can't really imagine being like that. I nag people wherever I go."

„That I've noticed." One corner of his mouth twitched upwards. „It doesn't bother me that much, not speaking French. I only spoke to Antoinette anyway. But someone like you who talks all the time, must be suffering."

„Thank you very much." Arse.

„You can teach me some Croatian, if you want, and those songs you mentioned; and I can teach you some French. Would that make this backwards continent seem friendlier to you?"

„But Croatian is a nightmare to learn. Why would you want that?" Alina frowned.

„I don't have to. I just thought it might mean something to you." he leaned forward again, taking his pencil. „Forget I said it."

„It would! Yes!" why are you so sensitive? „If you want to. It would be nice. It would be as though I'm... keeping my family's traditions, but going forward instead of back. Building new customs upon old ones."

„I had that in mind, yes." He squinted at her. „I'll help you with all this, if it means something to you. But stop forcing me to eat, it's annoying."

„Forcing people to eat is the most important of Slavic holiday traditions, Erik. It's the only way we know how to tell someone we love them", she blurted out. In any other context, this would be hilarious. It's still kind of hilarious, if you forget how mortifying it is.

He was just staring at her, wide-eyed. Alina felt her face suddenly getting very hot. I need a distraction before I spontaneously combust.

„That is, my mother always forces people to eat and always makes too much of everything and then it's a whole competition with our aunts in who will spoil their guests the most and I think I remember how to make these stars, I've been folding them the wrong way, Amelija is right-handed so she does it differently, I'll just have to flip them if I do them with my left." She fiddled stubbornly with the paper in her hand, hoping she'd get a papercut and bleed out to death.

He was still staring at her. Stop it stop it stop it –

„So, in any case, uh, what do people in France do to celebrate Christmas?"

He blinked. „I wouldn't know. I lived alone. Giry would visit sometimes and bring me gifts, but that is all."

„I'll just assimilate you into my family, then. You're now one of us. You're welcome to make the paper stars and eat the cookies." This is not making the situation less mortifying just close your mouth you stupid –

For whatever insane reason, Erik actually took some paper and started folding it.

„You'll have to show me what you're doing. I'm left-handed as well and this is all wrong."

ooo

The next morning Alina woke up and entered the kitchen to find dozens of paper stars; on the counter, hanging from the ceiling, somehow attached to the walls, with a small pile on the table as well.

And in the middle of the pile, Erik was sleeping in a chair, his head on the table and buried in his arms.

A wave of affection washed over Alina and she stopped for a moment to appreciate the scene. His thin shoulders were moving slightly with his breathing, his hair messy and disheveled. It's much too cold this morning for you to be sleeping covered only in that shirt.

I don't see him like this often, Alina realized. He was either very controlled or let himself go when something horrible happened (though Alina was willing to bet he was still controlling himself when she was around on those occasions). But right now, he was just relaxed. Peaceful. When was the last time he slept peacefully? Alina had no idea, but right now he was sleeping like a child with his head in his arms, surrounded by paper stars. It was an unimaginably sweet scene. She could not tear her eyes from him. When we met, I thought you were frightening. How strange.

Alina didn't want to wake him, but she didn't want him to freeze either, so she took the blanket from her bed and lightly lowered it over his shoulders. He stirred a little; she worried he might wake up seeing as he was such a light sleeper. But to her surprise, he settled down and pulled the blanket more tightly around himself. She reached out, automatically, to lightly stroke his back.

That did wake him up; his head jerked up and he looked at her, half-asleep and half-alarmed. He didn't pull away, just stared at her with his eyes wide under the mask and his hair disheveled; completely still and stiff as a board.

Alina then did something she hadn't done in years: she acted on a momentary impulse, not thinking about consequences of her actions. His mask was slightly shifted, exposing a thin strip of visible skin on his temple between the mask and his hairline. Reaching out, Alina lowered her head a little more and lightly brushed her lips against the bare skin. He moved away a tiny bit at first and she half-expected him to flinch and back away; but he just sat there, still completely stiff, his eyes following her intently.

She backed away, and Erik still hadn't moved at all. He appeared to be completely shocked by her actions; wide-eyed with his mouth slightly open. She tried to study his expression to see how he felt, but he didn't look displeased by this. Just surprised. The silence and the stillness were so absolute that she could feel her heartbeat drumming in her ears and see his breath growing quicker and more frantic.

Then Alina did something even more reckless.

She bent her head once more, this time brushing her lips against his, leaving them there for just a second. The mask was right above his mouth and she could feel the edge of it, but his bare lips felt surprisingly soft and warm, even though he wasn't moving at all. He didn't return the kiss so she backed away slowly and straightened herself, feeling somewhat embarrassed. Rejected, even. I may have overstepped a line. This may have been too soon. I wasn't thinking.

As she straightened back up, he slowly brought up his hand to his lips, as if he was checking if it really happened. He kept still for another moment, then stood up in one swift and panicked movement, leaned in toward her and, gripping her shoulders with his hands, kissed her back.

Alina's head swirled a little. She forgot how intense he was, and, well, how tall. He was suddenly towering over her and leaning down to reach her; kissing her clumsily and frantically. She needed to steady herself so she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him close. This made him less panicked, but apparently no less intense. Alina could feel her drumming heartbeat and his raspy breathing, and his mouth clashing with hers, and his hands wrapped around her back and holding on for dear life, and it all became a blur of sensations so overwhelming she forgot about everything else for a moment.

When he finally pulled away she felt like she'd crashed on the ground from a very high cliff. Erik looked like he was expecting something horrifying to happen now, staring at her in shock and alarm. Alina realized she only had little time before he opened his mouth to say some complete nonsense and ruined this moment. She forced herself to think quickly even though there was nothing but thick fog where her mind should be. Very thick, happy fog. She simply did the fog's bidding and wrapped her arms around his back, hugging him tightly, and buried her face in his shoulder. He followed and held his own arms around her lightly.

"Good morning. I see you've been busy last night." She said, purposely making her voice quiet and gentle, so he hopefully wouldn't get paranoid.

He was silent.

"Can you explain to me how you made several thousand of these in one night?"

"Fifty-three", he whispered in a strangely weak, high voice.

"That's too many. You'll go blind."

"Apparently, I've gone mad instead."

Alina pulled away to face him. He was calmer now, but still nervous. She could understand that. This whole morning was overwhelming to her as well. But he was looking at her sadly now, as though he was already resigned to her fainting or screaming. Or disappearing into thin air, it seemed.

She couldn't help but smile. "I'm unfamiliar with this kind of madness, but it's very pleasant. I might not want you to get better, how unprofessional of me."

Erik tried to laugh and choked a little. "Isn't that exactly what a hallucination would say?"

It was her turn to laugh now. "Fair point." She could feel him relaxing a little.

He shook his head. "Forgive me. This all feels unreal." It didn't seem to him like she was scared, or disgusted, or anything like that, but he was still worried. "Are you alright? Did I -"

"I am perfectly fine", she interrupted before she could find out what he thought he'd done. I can only do this right if I'm not a coward. So I should act like… not a coward. "I have to admit I've been wishing for this for some time", she felt her cheeks getting hot.

What followed had to be the longest embarrassed silence of her entire life.

"Are you alright?" she asked, unsure what to think about his shocked staring.

"I'm…"

A loud knock at the door startled them both, and they automatically let go.

Yana burst in with loud enthusiasm untypical for her, and smiled mischievously when she saw them. "Hello, Alina. Did you settle what was bothering you?"

Alina couldn't think of a real answer, but like the look she and Erik exchanged was enough for Yana to figure it out. She decided not to comment on anything for now.

"I have good news. One of the bakers is sick, and they need someone to fill in, and I offered to do it. This might be a good chance for me."

ooo

Erik was walking on clouds; his head was made of cotton and fog. Everything was soft. He couldn't find other words for it. He felt as though every part of his body that Alina had touched has shedded its skin and exposed raw flesh underneath; he could still feel her lips on his.

Yana came in and started talking to Alina and he couldn't hear a damned thing. The only thing he could do was sit by the table and pretend, pathetically, that everything was normal.

From what he could gather they were talking about Yana's work. This was a topic he was usually very invested in; he wished her to be happy and he'd talked to her several times about ways for her to move upward and get what she wanted. She'd been very stubborn in refusing anyone's help and doing this on her own.

Today he was too distracted by the soft cotton and stupidity in his head to listen. Yana noticed it, her eyes darting from Alina to Erik and back.

Outside, snow started to fall in large, sluggish flakes, mirroring the white clouds in Erik's head. He decided this might be an opportunity to get a moment alone and clear his mind.

„It looks like we're about to have a very cold day. I'll go get some more wood." Alina's eyes followed him as he got up. „Don't mind me, I'll be right back. I'm sure you have some catching up to do." He wrapped his scarf around his head and neck and put on his cloak. They were still hesitant, but Yana seemed to have caught on so she just kept talking until Alina relaxed as well.

Erik exhaled for the first time as he stepped finally outside, into the silent, blinding white. He let out a long, slow breath and some of the fog in his mind escaped, turning into white mist as it exits his mouth.

As his mind cleared a bit, he started to panic, walking in circles. What am I doing? What is going on? More importantly, what should I do now? Why did she do that? Why did I do that? What does she want from me? Is she that delusional to not see who I am? Do I have the strength to tell her the truth?

He forced himself to walk in a straight line, away from the house.

Start from the beginning. The only woman that had ever kissed Erik until now made her disgust and contempt for him very clear. There was no doubt as to why she'd done it and he had sworn to himself he'd never end up in that situation again. It was enough to know he'd never get that kind of affection from someone; getting a twisted mockery of what he wanted to remind him of what he deserved – no, that was too much.

But Alina had nothing to gain from this. He was not keeping her here. He'd made it very clear to her, for this very reason, that she could leave at any time, that she owed nothing to him, that he expect nothing from her. Of course, the truth was that while he expected nothing from her, he also wished for great many things, but he had no intention of revealing that openly to her.

This is insane. I'm a deformed, disfigured mockery of a man. She knows what's under the mask. There is no chance she – anyone – would just get over that so easily. This is not a love story. This is not „Pride and Prejudice" and I am in no way just a misunderstood complex soul that will turn out to be a perfectly normal, respectable man as soon as she digs deeper –

But she might not know that. He felt physical pain in his chest at the thought of that possibility. How could I have let her think that? Am I really that incorrigible in my pathetic need to make someone believe I'm the kind of man I want to be?

But she'd known him for a year now. How deluded could she be? He had been infinitely more open with her than he intended to.

But she doesn't know everything.

Does she have to?

She would want to.

She wouldn't stay another day if she did know.

Exactly.

He stopped walking, realizing he'd reached the shore. Can I just throw myself into the sea and die knowing the last thing I did was kiss a beautiful woman? That doesn't sound half bad.

Or he could just go back.

How could he face her now? He had no courage to tell her she was wrong about him. He had no idea what to do if he decided not to tell her.

He felt his head spinning again. He would have to force himself to be rational. He turned around and started walking again.

A decade ago, on a day like this, Antoinette taught Erik a lesson that had helped him several times in his life so far; the only catch was that he would usually forget it in the moments he needed it the most. But strangely, he remembered it now. At the time, he didn't realize why she wanted him to pretend to be something he was not; it was somewhat offensive to him. Only after several years did he realize she wasn't pretending. She really thought he was some normal, untainted person. It was so unthinkable to Erik when they met, that she had to turn it into a game of pretend to have him believe it.

Lately, he had been doing the same with Alina to test how she'd react; he thought if he pretended he was normal and talked to her without fear and restraint that her reactions would betray her – that way he could see if she thought him a freak all along. Either Giry's game could predict her behavior, or she was only pretending until now. It was a risky move, but he had to know.

To his surprise, the more daring and open his actions became, the more she reacted to them – the more openly he showed her that he cared about her, the more she returned that behavior to him. The whole game became incredibly... addicting.

When and where did the game end? Sometime last night, as Erik was going blind frantically making stupid paper stars by candlelight, he had realized he'd never in his life gone that far only to test a theory. He was doing this not to see if she would be happy with the gesture – he was doing it because he was hoping she would be delighted by the gesture, and because he wanted desperately to see her delighted.

Well. It certainly produced a result. It was as if something posessed him as soon as her lips touched him; he lost all will to pretend and play games and just acted on instinct, not even considering – forgetting, in fact, for a moment who she was and what he was. All he wanted was to get more of her.

Some of the delirious fog came back against his will, melting away some of the panic. This was breathtaking. I want nothing more than to be able to touch her every day of my life.

The possibility, however small or unlikely or unrealistic, that she might want the same was too much for him to resist.

He stopped, realizing he was in front of the house again, not remembering how or when exactly he got there. He walked over to the front door, but couldn't yet bring himself to come in.

Is it really so bad if instead of confessing all my sins to her and watching her recoil in horror I try to start over and... Can I make myself into a normal man who isn't twisted to the bone, instead of just pretending I am? If she believes me to be, will that be enough for me to believe it too?

No, it isn't.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

You're rationalizing your own selfish lies.

No. No. No. I'm trying not to ruin a small piece of happiness God has decided to grant me.

Nobody granted it to you. You just stole it, and now you'll ruin it just the same.

I won't! It's not the same! She kissed me first! I'm not forcing –

The door opened, and Alina quickly stormed out dressed in her coat and hat, bumping into him with full force. They both stumbled, and Erik had to grab her arms to steady her.

„You're here!" She looked up at him, wide-eyed.

„I just went for a walk." he decided to hold her a tiny second longer, or until she shrugged him off.

„I was just going to look for you! I was worried!" She wasn't shrugging him off, it seemed.

„I'm sorry. There was really no need for that." He looked at her, trying to see if she was attempting to shrug him off and he was missing it, but no, she wasn't.

„Stop running away all the time!" For a moment, Erik could see on her face a very familiar expression of insecurity. She was embarassed. Was she really afraid he'd run away without a word after kissing her? It was a thought so wild it would be more fitting coming from him.

Seeing her filled him again with warm, soft fog; pushing panic away for now. He decided to try his luck a little more and bent his head, barely brushing his lips against her forehead. „I will."

She took his hand and lead him back into warmth.

ooo

APPENDIX: Letters that arrived several days later.

Dear Erik,

I know it's easy to mistake me for a silly old woman, but rest assured I'm just as sharp as I was ten years ago. You can't hide things from me and even if you're lying to yourself I can still see the truth, clear as day. Alina seems to be equally stubborn and the whole situation is, truthfully, very amusing. You're both so bad at hiding you're in love with each other that you might even realize it on your own, but since I dislike taking any chances in life, I'm telling you now. I'm absolutely certain you love Alina, and from her letters I'm absolutely certain she loves you just as much. By the time this reaches you, you might already know it. Don't you dare forget to tell me everything that happens.

I hope you will not let your head get the better of you in this; I'm aware you might be thinking you don't deserve anything good and knowing you, you'll probably have a very strong desire to ruin it all. While I can't do much from so far away, I'm writing to tell you as someone who knows everything about you – there is nothing you can think of that would make you unworthy of this. Please allow yourself to be happy. Alina will understand. Remember the pretend game we used to play? Allow yourself to believe it. It will all be well.

Merry Christmas, dear Erik. I wish you luck with all my heart.

Love,

Antoinette.

Alina,

I don't care about your rambling; just tell me if you've kissed already. If you haven't by the time this reaches you I will personally come and smack you both over the head. Merry Christmas.

Love,

Amelija.

P.S. I'm betting Jelka's gloves you'll kiss him first.

END OF CHAPTER 7