Pairing: Peeta x Katniss.
Rating: M
Warning: Mature content. Deals with issues of pregnancy, and other issues that readers may find sensitive.
Update: Tuesday
Disclaimer: After fifteen years of marriage Katniss is counting the minutes for a pregnancy test to show results. She'd always been so careful. She had no idea what the rebellious actions she takes would cause to her marriage. Fighting to survive the hurdles of love and life and a needy little puppy thrown into the mix, Katniss is living in her own brand of hell. Can she manage to fix the damage and fall in love with Peeta again before they both seriously contemplate divorce?
Chapter Six:
Peeta
My stomach gave a hearty growl as the smell of browning toast filled the air. I couldn't focus on it, though; as my gaze was fixated on the small blue cross I'd just marked on the kitchen calendar. Today was the day of Katniss' ten-week ultrasound and I'd already booked the day off from the bakery. Despite how calm we both were as we went about our morning routine of light breakfasts and washing, I could tell the Katniss was feeling as jittery with excitement as I was. This was the day we would get to see our little baby, properly, inside her. Sure, it wouldn't look any bigger than a tiny raisin, but that didn't matter to me.
Katniss came into the kitchen as I turned away from the calendar and snagged a piece of toast from where it had popped out, crunchy and brown from the toaster. She clamped it between her teeth and then wrinkled her eyes in what would have been a smile at me. I reached over and stroked a few strands of her silky soft dark hair behind her ears and then kissed the tip of her nose before she removed the toast, crumbs dropping everywhere, "So are you sure you don't want to stop by work afterwards and show Rye and your dad?" she asked as I handed her a mug of tea.
I shrugged a shoulder, "I'm not that bothered about it. I just want to get there first and see what the nurses have to say and then stop by the pharmacy if they've recommended anything. Rye, Dad and your mum can wait a little longer," I grinned as I turned around, my arm snaking around her waist and drawing her closer towards me, her full breasts pushing up through her raspberry pink knit jumper. They did look deliciously well-rounded, as I forced my eyes away from them, "Besides, I want to celebrate this with my beautiful wife first." I loved the tender blush that hued her cheeks before I clamped my teeth around the slice of toast and hurried on towards the stairs, grinning as she yelled up after me.
Hopping around on one foot at a time to struggle into my jeans whilst trying to eat the rest of the toast is definitely not a good skill, especially when my prosthetic leg got caught and I fell sideways onto the bed with a muffled 'thump'. By the time I was ready and hurrying down the stairs for my coat, Katniss was already by the door in her hat and scarf and gloves, tapping one boot on the floor with narrowed eyes. I gave a small grin to her as I got my outdoor clothes on and then held out my arm to her, "This way, Mrs. Mellark!" I grinned brightly as we stepped out into the pearly white winter day.
The walk along to the hospital was as uneventful as ever, the only uplifting moment was when we veered towards the schoolyard and instead of shying away from it like we had grown accustomed to doing over the years, this time we stopped for a few moments and watched as the children played with one another in the dusting of snow, the little bobbles on their hats bouncing as they ran and squealed in delight.
In a couple of years our own little one would be running about and laughing along with the others.
The waiting room was fairly quiet for the mid-morning slots, but then it didn't help that a lot of the women –they were mainly mothers who were forced out into the cold every school day –and needed some new tonics and teas to help clear their colds quicker. One of the many reasons I admired Lavender Everdeen for how she was finally making her life her own again. I think in her own quiet way, Katniss feels something along the same lines as I do. I know she loves her mother, but I can also understand how hard it is for her after not only losing her father but also her baby sister. Usually loss would make remaining family members closer, but suffice to say, I don't doubt that this was as close as Lavender and Katniss were going to get.
Perhaps the baby would help them to bond?
'KATNISS MELLARK TO ROOM 23!' squealed a voice over the intercom system.
I'd jumped out of my skin, my heart leaping into my throat as I cast a sheepish look around me. No one had paid attention, thank goodness, but that didn't stop the blush creeping up onto my cheeks. "Peeta?" Katniss' voice broke through my musings. I looked up with raised eyebrows, momentarily forgetting where I was. She slid her fingers into mind, "Come on, Peeta, they're waiting for us." She gave a gentle tug and I rose to my feet. I didn't want to tell her that they'd only just called so it wasn't like they'd be waiting a long time, but I held my tongue. This was supposed to be a good day.
Our shoes squeaked on the linoleum floor as we followed a dour looking nurse to Room 23. The nurse held the door open for Katniss and me, before turning over to take a seat in between the chaise Katniss had to lie down on and the computer monitor that would show what was inside Katniss' uterus. I couldn't help but frown a little as I shrugged out of my coat and scarf; the temperature change from the waiting area to the stuffy room had made my skin flush what I knew to be an ugly pink colour that clashed with my hair. It wasn't too long before Lavender came in through the door and smiled wistfully at her daughter. With a wave of her hand she dismissed the dour nurse and then turned to both of us. "So todays the big day that we finally get to see baby?" she smiled, her eye crinkling a little at the corners.
To my surprise Katniss nodded and spoke before I'd gotten a chance to fill the silence, "Yeah I'm a little nervous about it though."
I couldn't tell who was more surprised; me or her mother. I did feel a little ashamed though as I sat there beside the blue plastic covered bed and looked up at her. Why hadn't she told me she felt nervous? I wasn't exactly calm myself, I was scared as anything! Seeing the baby would be confirming that everything is one hundred percent real. Katniss seemed to catch onto the look I was sure was on my face, and slip her fingers into mine and squeezed. I gave her a weak smile that didn't hold as I stared down at my feet. "And how you feel about that, Peeta?" Lavender asked in her professional voice.
My head snapped up at the question, flushing again at how easily people were able to read me. I cleared my throat, "Well I'm a little scared about it too. I mean, when we see the little one there," I murmured as my hand drifted up to caress Katniss' flat stomach through her knit jumper, "Then this all becomes that much more real." I looked up between both of them and hastened to correct myself, "It's a good kind of scared, though. Like, walking-up-the-aisle scared. You can't wait for it, but the anticipation drives you crazy."
This seemed to appease both of them and Katniss even gave a shaky little laugh as she clasped both of her hands around mine, "I know that feeling only too well." I felt my heart swell with adoration as I looked over into her smoky grey eyes rimmed by thick black lashes and felt my heart skip a beat. Fifteen years on and she still makes me giddy as the first day I'd heard her sing. I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
"Alright Katniss just lift your shirt up for me. This is going to be a little cold," her mother instructed. Katniss complied and I watched her hitch her breath as cool, clear gel was squeezed out onto her exposed abdomen just above the unfastened waistband of her jeans. Within moments Lavender had pressed a small device against her stomach. "Just give it a couple of minutes and then we should be able to see a projection of the baby on the monitor," she informed us as she moved the device slowly from side to side, her clear blue eyes narrowing at the screen. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end as she adjusted her stance, and repeated the motions, left-to-right, right-to-left and then up and down. My throat suddenly felt tight and my hands started to grow clammy around Katniss'.
"Is something wrong?" Katniss asked, her voice sounding a little higher than usual. I'd barely noticed how her nails were digging into my skin as I was more focused on the hammering of my heart against the walls of my chest and the screaming noises filling my ears.
Lavender replaced the equipment and when she turned to us there was a tight smile on her lips but her eyes looked frightened. "I'll be right back. I just need to check something with Dr. Matthews." She didn't leave us any room to argue as she hurried straight out of the room.
We sat in a stony silence unlike any other. I could feel a numbness beginning to seep into my body and tickle at my senses. A weak sniffling sound came from over my shoulder and I turned around to see Katniss' grey eyes shimmering with a film of tears as her bottom lip trembled uncontrollably. "P-Peeta," she gasped out in a wet whisper, "W-what's happened?"
I shook my head not knowing what to say, what I could say, that would make the hurt go away even for a moment. We knew without knowing. I squeezed our hands around one another's and clenched my jaw tightly before forcing out a hushed answer, "I don't know, Katniss."
I could feel her trembling against me and I wanted nothing more to take her in my arms but I couldn't. Not when we had yet to confirm anything and the doctor was on his way. Not that it mattered. I knew and she knew. It didn't need official confirmation from a guy in a white coat. The numbness was speaking for itself as it worked its way through my system, the heat of her tears falling onto my white knuckles as the only thing I could feel outside of the hollowness inside me. I looked up at Katniss' red cheeks and wet eyes, her nose shining and hot as she fought the onslaught of agony that was threatening to overcome her.
The door clicked open to admit Lavender and Dr. Matthews.
Katniss took a few long breaths to try and calm herself but I could still feel her shaking as I held her hand. "Well?" she managed to choke out, her voice thick and wet with emotion.
Dr. Matthews, I tall greying man with thick glasses perched on his hooked nose looked down at us both and shook his head, "I'm sorry Mrs. Mellark but since Dr. Everdeen is your mother she is not permitted to tell you the news. I'm sorry, ma'am, but it would appear that your scan doesn't show what is meant to be in the uterus at ten weeks."
Katniss frowned, her lower lip wobbling, "W-what do you mean?" I didn't want to hear it and judging from the way my hand was now stinging from the nail wounds, Katniss didn't either.
Katniss shook her head and turned away, her shoulder heaving and quaking with the struggle not to cry. I licked my suddenly dry lips and looked up at them both, "Sh-she fell in the woods one afternoon and came back with a twisted ankle. But that wouldn't have harmed the baby, surely?" I knew I sounded naïve, almost childish if anything, but I only knew as much as the medical leaflets had told me.
Dr. Matthews inclined his head, "The accident itself at this early stage is highly unlikely to have been the cause, however, due to the emotional extremities no doubt caused by the accident and any stressful circumstances before or after, the hormonal imbalance could have made it difficult for the early development. It's not always the case though," he added his voice softening slightly, "Sometimes these things simply happen and it can't always be explained away. Perhaps your body simply wasn't ready to carry a child since you've been using protective pills for the last fifteen years. This sort of change is dramatic and your body probably wasn't as well adjusted as we'd hoped."
"I took the test," Katniss murmured, not looking at any one of us. Instead she was staring out of the window where snow particles drifted lazily in the light from the street lamps outside, "I took the test after the accident and it still said positive."
My ears were ringing with the words he'd just spoken. It was like I was listening through a thick cloud. My stomach felt cold and tight inside me. I wanted to get out of there but at the same time I was rooted to the spot, unable to move any part of my body. I felt my limbs start to shiver and I knew it had nothing to do with the weather pressing up against the windows.
"Peeta?" a voice echoed through the muffled cloud of my head. I jerked my head up and frowned in confusion at the doctor staring down at me. I blinked the fog away from my head. "Peeta did you hear what I just said?" I shook my head slowly from side-to-side, feeling as though my skull was rocking loose in my head. "Okay then, well, I was simply telling Katniss that she needs plenty of rest and then in a couple of months once her body had time to heal, you can try again."
'Try again?' The words rang hollow against my cold heart. How on earth could we try again when this time alone had been a miracle and had been Katniss' decision? Somehow this blow to her system seemed far too big for her to jump back from. I knew I'd be struggling just to get my head around the fact that our nursery would be empty with no laughter and no scribbled drawings to pin up on the walls. There would be no chance of us walking past the children's schoolyard. It would be a taunting reminder that we wouldn't get to be standing there in a couple of years and waiting for home-time so that we could collect our own little child.
I small part of me wanted to go home so that I could just get away from the glaring lights and awful smells and just curl up in a ball under the covers of our bed and not come out again. With a sigh I pried my eyes away from the linoleum floor and looked up at Katniss. She looked just as lost as I felt at that moment. Her eyes flittered up to rest on mine, and there was no need for words. It was all conveyed in her beautiful, heartbroken eyes. I felt my water and I wanted to reach out and comfort her but I didn't want her to shrug me off. At this point her moods could go either way. "Can we go home now?" asked Katniss, her voice quiet and broken, barely above a whisper as she shifted upright and dropped her knees over the side of the bed.
I looked up over my shoulder as Lavender opened her mouth looking as though she wanted to protest, or at the very least lending Katniss some more information or say something comforting but she seemed at as much of a loss as I was. I was her husband and I should know. I did know that actions would speak louder with words for Katniss right now. I tried to incline my head slightly for Lavender to cross the distance between her and her daughter, but she hesitated too long and soon Katniss and snagged her coat off of the hook my the door and left, the suction noise following me out as I hurried on after her, casting an apologetic look over at Lavender before I left.
"Katniss!" I called out as I hurried on down the corridor to catch up with her. She stopped but didn't look up as I approached, her shoulders hunched and her cheeks still pink and damp from crying. I hesitated a manner before I slid my arm around her shoulders and drew her against me. She shifted closer to me, her body feeling a little tense as I embraced her, stroking soothing circles against her back. She rested her head in the crook of my neck, the warmth of her breath making me shiver. She sniffled weakly and let out a small strangled sob before clearing her throat, sighing and pulling away. I looked down at her and cupped her face in my hand. "Katniss," It was all I could think of saying, and somehow in that one word, she seemed to understand that I was suffering too.
"Let's go home, Peeta," she breathed weakly as she slipped her gloves fingers into mine and together we walked out of the hospital, leaving all our hopes and dreams to die in that little white room.
The walk home was like a never-ending nightmare that simply wouldn't end. Like walking through a cold, black castle of ice and there was no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel, nothing to look forward to. I squeezed Katniss' fingers and she leaned a little closer into me as we mounted the stairs to the front door. I slipped the key into the lock and pushed it open and let Katniss in ahead of me. We went about our routines of hanging up our clothes and shifting around in a fractured evening routine that seemed alien to me. When we were both back downstairs in the kitchen, leaning over the table in our thermal pyjamas, I finally decided to break the silence, the heavy pressure in my chest needing to get out. "You heard what the doctor said," I finally managed to breathe, "In a couple of months –"
"No," she mumbled a little more forcefully than I thought she'd be able to manage. She look at me, her pearly grey eyes gleaming with tears, "No, I –I don't think I can, Peeta." She wiped at her eyes, "What if it happens again?" her voice wobbled and I slipped my hand into hers. She squeezed it tightly, as though she was afraid that she'd slip away from me. "What if we just weren't meant to have children?" she raked her hair out of her eyes. She looked so defeated. I know I probably didn't look much better but that didn't matter. I could rest when I was asleep. I didn't like to think that this one setback would tarnish her view on us ever being a family. She needed time to rest and think things through, I knew that. I refused to rush her. I pressed her hand to my mouth and winced at how cold she felt.
"Come on, come with me and relax, alright? We'll just get you rested and I know I need to work tomorrow, but do you want me to call Johanna and get to come and stay with you and keep you company?" I asked as I led her into the lounge area and eased her down onto the sofa. She didn't protest like she normally would have. Instead she reclined against the plush cushions and allowed me to drape the thick blanket down over her body. I smiled softly and combed her hair out of her eyes. "I think you need some girl company right now. As much as I want to be here for you … I don't want you to feel guilty about anything," I knew that's exactly what she was feeling and the sheen of tears in her eyes merely confirmed that. I squeezed her hand reassuringly, "I love you, Katniss. This doesn't change that despite what you may think. I do love you, more than anything. I just want to make sure you're alright. Do you want me to call Johanna for you?"
With a weak nod she gave me a teary smile, "Yeah if you wouldn't mind. It's not that I don't want to be around you it's just … Jo seems to put things in perspective a little more."
I smiled and nodded, "That's fine darling. I'd prefer you had some company whilst I'm at work anyway."
The corner of her lip twitched into a weak smile, "I do love you, Peeta, you know that right?" she murmured gently.
I nodded my head and stroked my hand down the length of her leg, "I'll go and call Johanna then. I'll be right back." A pressed a tender kiss to her forehead and then drifted back into the kitchen and snagged the phone off the hook. Johanna picked up after the third ring and seemed like she was speaking an alien language to me. "Uh … Hi Johanna, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind coming and staying with Katniss for a week?"
She paused for a moment, "Is something wrong Peeta? What's happened? Are you going off on a trip? That's a little mean when Katniss is carrying your breadcrumbs, right?"
As much as I wanted to laugh at the breadcrumbs, all it did was feel hollow in my mind. I shook my head, "Um … you see that's the problem, Jo. Katniss … um … she isn't …" my voice latched in my throat, "She's not. Not anymore." I choked on my voice and tried to ignore the stinging in my eyes.
She was silent. And then she sighed, "Oh Peeta I am sorry. I can't believe it. I … What do you need me to bring? Anything?"
"I think she just needs some female company right now, especially when I need to get back to work in a couple of days. I don't want her to feel like she's on her own."
"Alright I'll get a train first thing in the morning. I should be there by midday or one o'clock at the latest."
"Thank you, Jo. I don't know what we'd do without you."
"You'd be bored, I guess."
I gave a weak chuckle as we both hung up the phone. Despite everything Johanna's humour would do Katniss some good. For the time being though, all I needed was for her to be comfortable and relaxed until Johanna got here. And then perhaps we could take things one step at a time. Running my hands through my hair I drew in a deep breath and then decided to make some hot chocolate. It was the perfect drink that would calm Katniss down if she felt low.
As soon as the kettle had brewed, I mixed too mugs of chocolate and then carried them into the lounge area where Katniss hadn't moved on the sofa. I placed her mug on the table in front of us and switched on the Network for some mindless background noise. She gave me a weak smile but didn't say anything. I swallowed a mouthful of the piping hot drink and then reclined, her legs curled up against my side. "Johanna said she's going to get a train here first thing in the morning."
She nodded her head and murmured, "That's good."
We watched the Network and sipped at our drinks without saying much to one another. I'd silently taken her feet in my hands and massaged them to try and relieve some of the tension in her muscles. She didn't object or pull away and I was thankful for the small amount of contact with her. I knew she was hurting but I didn't want to say anything that would trigger her off. Knowing what I was like under pressure, it would happen sooner rather than later and I wanted at least one peaceful if silent evening together before we argued.
It was inevitable and I wanted to avoid it just for that one night.
"Peeta?" I turned my head and raised my eyebrows up at her as she stroked her fingertips down my forearm. She gave a weak little smile, "Can we go upstairs?"
"Are you tired?" I asked as I shifted upright, her legs still slung over my lap and my body ready to take her upstairs if she didn't feel up to walking.
She nodded her head and the downcast expression made my heart ache in my tight chest. "Yes please, I just feel so … so …" she trailed off not knowing how to end her sentence. I squeezed her hand.
"I know, darling. I know." And I did know; I knew how indescribable the pain must be. Like the universe had played a cruel joke on the both of us, but especially her. I went through the motions of shutting off the Network and turning most of the lights off as she carried out cold 'hot' chocolate drinks into the kitchen and then waited for me to lead the way up the stairs to the bedroom. I closed the bedroom door as she shuffled in after me. We undressed for bed and then slipped in under the covers, not really saying anything, and not exchanging much else other than a touch of the fingertips and the weak twitch of a smile.
As we settled down in the bed, we didn't crawl closer to one another like we usually did. It hurt my heart and made my stomach knot tightly, but I couldn't force myself to ignore the voice in the back of my head –that sounded suspiciously like my father's –that she needed her space right now.
It was only when a broken sob struck me like a bolt of lightning through the darkness in our room, that I decided she'd have enough space.
I moved over from my side of the bed and crawled over to where she was curled into a ball on the very edge of the mattress, so close that she looked as though she was going to roll off onto the floor. I rested on my side beside her, and pressed myself up against her, winding my arm around her middle and pressed my face into the crook of her neck as her wet cheek pressed against mine. "Hey, hey now," I breathed in her ear as I slowly rocked her body back and forth, "It's alright my love, come on now. We're going to be alright. You're so strong, Katniss. So strong. You're going to pull through this, I know you are."
She turned around to press her face against my neck and I felt her body racked with sobbing as she curled into me. I rested my head against hers, and wove my arm around her shoulders and rolled slightly so that she was lying on my chest. I pulled the warm blankets higher up around both of us and gently rocked her to and fro to try and soothe her. I stroked her hair as she wept against my chest, soaking my shirt through, but I didn't care. As long as she got out her frustration and anger and sadness now, then she would rest better for the rest of the night. I needed to find a way to show her that there's no rush back to normalcy. She needed to take her time with the healing process, even I knew that much. But how was I supposed to do that when I had to be in work first thing in the morning?
I eventually drifted off to sleep, long after Katniss' sobs had quietened down, none the wiser on how I was going to help her to recuperate.
The following morning I set the alarm on Katniss' side of the bed for fifteen minutes after I was to leave, before quickly scribbling a little note for her, propped it up against the block, and then lowered myself onto my good knew and stroked the bedridden strands of hair away from her forehead and pressed a tender kiss to her soft skin. She shifted in her sleep but didn't wake up. Dried salt tracks were still on her cheeks but she could wash those off when she woke up. At the bedroom door I hovered for a moment, watching her sleep, looking the most peaceful she'd been in the last twelve hours of our lives. I gave her a sad little smile, even though she couldn't see it, and quietly closed the door in its frame.
As I walked to work I couldn't help but imagining the alarm clock going off, her irritable look as she shuts if off and snatched the note up, and then seeing her confused frown melt into disbelief with her shy little smile on her lips. Then I could envision her scrambling into the bathroom and finding the little treat I'd left for her. I thought she could relax before Johanna came later that afternoon. I could easily picture Katniss pushing the bathroom door open and seeing the candles flickering in the early morning gloom, a few handfuls of petals scattered everywhere and a filled bathtub filled with warm, soothing scented water and a mountain of bubbles. I knew it was a little cliché but I wanted to show her that I did care and I wanted her to relax and take her time for herself.
I could only hope that she was able to unwind and see that this wasn't her fault and that I didn't blame her. That I still loved her. And that I hoped she could forgive me for wanting and for herself for obliging.
I could hope.
A/N: Here's another update. Please don't blame me for the tissues!