Inside, the showroom was considerably larger than Amy had expected.
Just as the Doctor had predicted, it was apparent that most of the vehicles on show weren't actually there… But what immediately caught her attention was that there were a lot of identically frightening looking little trolls hovering about. Each one was standing by a small podium topped with obscure control mechanisms. Some were enthusiastically showing hologramatic space cars/ships to interested customers. (Amy could only tell that they were holograms when a customer asked to see something else, and the display blipped into a different vehicle!) Those without customers were doing their best to entice browsers to their own particular domain, displaying random transports every now and then.
The Doctor was, of course, immediately fascinated by everything on view, and seemed unable to decide just what to examine first. He looked like he might do himself an injury, Amy thought. (Swiveling his head about like that, and not looking where he was going – he might well do somebody else an injury!) Just as she caught up with him, a revolting little goblin popped up out of nowhere, smarming, "Welcome, Sir! Welcome, Madam!"
Amy nearly wet herself!
The obsequious creature was about five feet tall and – quite possibly – the same from shoulder to shoulder. It had a flattish, dome-shaped, grey-brown head, which appeared to blend seamlessly into its shoulders. Apparently they hadn't heard of necks wherever it came from, so Amy was quite impressed that it had managed to squeeze its hugely muscled squatness into a tuxedo.
Much to her embarrassment, Amy found that she had grabbed onto the Doctor, managing no more explanation than a startled "Eep!" when the scary toad-thing had appeared. On consideration though, perhaps this was just as well, as he was apparently totally oblivious to its arrival. The Time Lord actually gave a little start when he turned and saw it. (This made Amy feel just a little better.)
"Good grief!' The Doctor exclaimed in surprise. 'You're a Sontaran!"
"Indeed I am, Sir!' Smugged the most frightening used-car salesman that Amy had ever encountered. 'So kind of you to notice! Please allow me to introduce myself…"
"You're a man of wealth, and taste?" Amy asked, feeling just a little bit disorientated.
"Eh?' The goblin asked, obviously slightly confused by the question, but it rapidly recovered itself. 'No, Madam, I am a Corporate Sales Executive… Perhaps you have me confused with one of my clone brothers.
'My name is Slog."
Although it was obvious that the Doctor was deeply astonished by this encounter, Amy just couldn't help herself. "I don't suppose you're the Captain of a starship, are you?" She asked jokingly.
The Sontaran leaned away, almost as if offended. "Certainly not, Madam!' He protested, then paused for a moment, his eyes losing focus. Suddenly looking deeply curious, he leaned back towards her conspiratorially, cautiously asking. 'Excuse me, Madam, you wouldn't be thinking of my glorious progenitor, by any chance?"
"Your glorious what?" Amy bristled, rapidly resorting to anger as she totally lost track of the conversation.
It was at this point that the Doctor decided to intervene, placing a calming hand on her shoulder.
"Excuse my friend, Slog…"
"Salesman Slog, if you please, Sir."
"Oh! Yes, of course! Anyway, Pond here has never met a Sontaran before. And – I must admit – I've never actually met a Sontaran 'salesman' before. Usually Sontaran's are soldiers, in my experience."
"Ah… Yes! I can understand the confusion, Sir.' Slog gestured around at all the other squat little trolls. 'My brothers and I have relinquished all military ties and made new lives for ourselves. Ever since the great hero, Strax, and his comely assistant, The Doctor…"
"Comely assistant!" The Doctor yelped, his surprise catastrophically overwhelming his diplomacy.
"Well, yes, Sir.' Replied Slog, appearing somewhat taken aback by this reaction. (Although it was quite hard to tell from his piggy little eyes.) 'Strax and The Doctor liberated our line from the horror of eternal conflict. Educated us… Showed us that there was another way to live."
"I don't remember that!" The Doctor protested in confusion.
Slog peered up suspiciously at this tall potential customer. "Excuse me for asking, Sir.' He asked as deferentially as he could manage. 'But why should you?"
"Ah!' Explained the Doctor, evidently realising that he had no coherent answer to that. 'Please excuse me, Salesman Slog… Er, I have made some – small – study of Sontaran's in my time. I do recall hearing of one called Strax, but I've seen no mention of this particular… Er… Encounter. I'm afraid that I was a little surprised at hearing the Doctor – whom I've always believed to be quite a dignified chap – referred to as a 'comely assistant'."
"I see…' replied the Sontaran slowly, obviously unconvinced. "But everyone knows that The Doctor is afemale,Sir.
'I believe that the description is intended to be complimentary."
Amy, who had been quietly seething at being so abruptly sidelined, took great pleasure at the expression of discomfort that hijacked the Doctor's face. One hand rising unconsciously to fiddle with his tie, he gulped as he cast a queasy look in her direction. She made sure to grin back maliciously, and folded her arms across her chest. 'Get out of that one, Buster!' Amy thought to herself, hoping that he would be able to read it in her eyes.
The Time Lord cleared his throat, returning his attention to Salesman Slog abruptly. "Ah, well, perhaps you shouldn't tell me any more about that! Um… I believe that you were about to show us some of the marvelous vehicles that you have available?"
This was obviously the correct approach to take. Slog's eyes gleamed in hopeful anticipation of a lucrative sale, and he totally forgot about everything else. "Were you looking for anything in particular, Sir? We have the widest selection of pre-owned transportation in this spiral arm of the Galaxy!"
"Ooh! That's impressive!' Enthused the Doctor, reaching out to nudge Pond with an elbow. 'Isn't that impressive!"
He grinned at her hopefully, making none-too-subtle sideways head jerking motions in the Sontaran's direction. (And flashing his eyes! Evidently he wanted her to get involved again. Cheek!)
Amy, who was beginning to feel just a bit put out by now, rudely stuck her tongue out at him.
The Doctor turned back to face the salesman, trying to pretend that nothing had happened, but it was clear that he was unsuccessful. His 'don't you just love me?' grin wavered uncertainly, possibly looking for somewhere to hide.
Amy turned her own attention back to the Sontaran as well, and nearly burst out laughing.
Slog had a slightly pained, almost constipated expression attempting to rearrange his 'Mr. Potato Head' features. In fact, he looked like someone who has just realised that they have accidentally stumbled into a lunatic convention. (And is trying to work out how to get away politely.) Amy read all this from the way he was looking between herself and the Doctor uncertainly. As the Sontaran had no neck, it looked like he was playing Pong with his eyeballs…
"Actually,' Amy found herself saying, unsure where the impulse had come from. 'Do you have anything from Earth? It's somewhere that I've always been interested in."
She was a little startled when Slog abruptly swiveled around to face her directly. (Suddenly, she could believe that this was a soldier in sheep's clothing. Amy took an involuntary step back.)
"Earth, Madam?' The Sontaran asked in a quiet, almost threatening, tone. Then (much to Amy's relief) he instantly became a comical figure again. Slog looked like he was exaggerating when he cautiously looked around, as it entailed swiveling his entire upper body. Apparently satisfied that no one would overhear, the salesman leaned sideways towards the Doctor, beckoning him to come closer. Once the Time Lord had bent down to listen, Slog asked deferentially, from the edge of his mouth. 'I did say this spiral arm of the galaxy, didn't I, Sir?"
"Er, yes, I believe that you did, Salesman Slog.' The Doctor extemporized through gritted teeth, mimicking the Sontaran as he frantically waved 'back down!' messages at Pond. The salesman hadn't taken his suspicious eyes off her once, so didn't notice this, fortunately. 'But as my friend indicated, Earth is a bit of a hobby of ours. You never know where you might chance upon some interesting artifact! Doesn't hurt to ask, does it?"
Much to Amy's surprise, this actually seemed to mollify the Sontaran completely. "My apologies.' He said, rather perfunctorily, 'We only deal in functional transportation here. If you would be kind enough to follow me to my display area, perhaps I could show you some." When Slog about-faced smartly, Amy shot a bewildered look at the Doctor, who could only reply with a mystified shrug. Then the Time Lord rushed to catch up with the salesgoblin and, unable to suppress a heartfelt sigh, Amy forced herself to join them.
"As you can see…' Slog began to announce proudly when he reached his podium. (As he was speaking, he turned back to face them slowly, allowing him to gesture theatrically around the sales floor as he did so.) 'We can call up anything in our inventory as a hologram here.' The Doctor followed the sweeping arm, nodding in approval, but before he could comment, the Sontaran continued. 'Naturally, we don't anticipate our walk-in customers to require the larger space-going vessels; but we do have everything up to – and including – luxury cruise liners available…"
Slog paused in his delivery, looking up expectantly at the Doctor. The Time Lord was still gazing around the showroom, but now he had a slightly perplexed expression. Amy had to nudge him to get his attention, but he managed to face the Sontaran with aplomb – and a suitably large smile. "That sounds very tempting, Salesman Slog! But I think that a cruise liner might be a little too big, for just the two of us!"
Amy was amused to see a look of relief flit across Slog's features. Apparently this was some kind of pre-prepared patter, and the Doctor had followed his cue correctly!
"Aha! Ha! Ha!' Coughed the Sontaran, in a close approximation of laughter. "Of course, Sir, just my little joke!' (Very little. Amy couldn't help thinking, rather uncharitably.) 'But seriously, please tell me just what kind of thing you are looking for. As you may have noticed from the window display, we can offer almost any form of transportation that you can imagine!" Slog stood there looking rather pleased with his delivery, until the Doctor said…
"You know, I suddenly feel like having a bit of a browse around, actually. See if anything catches my eye."
"Are you sure, Sir?' Slog asked, a slight hint of concern creeping into his voice. 'I can call up anything that is displayed by my brother salesmen…"
"Well, you see…' the Doctor began apologetically, 'I'm not entirely sure what I want. Do you know what you want, Pond?"
"I want to go home." Amy muttered despondently.
Seeing any (however remote) possibility of making a sale rapidly disappearing, the Sontaran slumped slightly. "Of course, Sir.' He sighed raspily, then added belatedly, 'And Madam.'
With an obvious effort at salesman-like diplomacy, Slog straitened, gestured expansively towards the numerous displays, and offered them both a frightening grimace. 'Please… Feel free to browse as much as you wish."
Amy, who unaccountably found herself feeling just a little bit sorry for him, decided to offer a bone. "Don't worry, Salesman Slog. I'm sure that if we do see something that we like, we can come back to you for the full demonstration. Yes?"
The Doctor made no indication that he had even heard this, gazing around distractedly once more – but Slog perked up immediately. "An excellent suggestion, Madam! That being the case, may I suggest that you take as long as you need to fully explore our unmatched inventory!
'If any particular style of vehicle does seem to be what you are looking for, just ask Salesman Slog to transmit the Ident Code to my station. Number 74! And I will…"
"Hold on a minute!' Amy interrupted, suspecting that she had somehow misheard the Sontaran. 'I thought that you were Salesman Slog?"
"I am, Madam!' The salesgoblin seemed surprised that Amy even needed to ask. With a wave of a three-fingered hand, he added. 'And so are they."
"Doesn't that get a bit confusing?" Amy asked, as she cautiously looked around the salesroom again.
"Not for us, Madam!' Slog assured her – as if this was the most ridiculous suggestion that he had ever heard. Then he added conspiratorially, 'But most other species are unable to tell us apart – it would be more confusing for them if we each had different names, don't you think?"
Allowing herself to look more closely at the Sontaran's scattered about – each wearing an identical face, as well as an identical tux – Amy was forced to agree. Deciding that a swift exit would be best at this point, she asked, "Number 74, right?" Slog bowed forward in an attempt at a nod, so Amy waved a cheery farewell, then hurried to catch up with the Doctor.
"These Sontaran's, Doctor,' she asked him quietly, arriving at his side. 'All the same, are they?"
Before replying, the Time Lord crooked an elbow her way invitingly, even though he wasn't looking in her direction. "Could you do me a favour please, Pond.' He requested politely from the corner of his mouth. 'Take my arm and guide me around the showroom, would you?"
"Why?" Asked a surprised Amy, even as she took the proffered arm.
"Two reasons, really.' The Doctor replied, still not looking at her. 'I think I've seen something, but I'm not entirely sure, so I'm trying to locate it again.
'However, this means that not only am I not looking where I'm going, but I'm also not looking where I appear to be looking."
"Oh." Amy replied blankly, pulling her exasperating friend closer as they strolled further into the showroom.
"Also,' he carried on, oblivious, 'I don't want to alert whatever I'm looking for…
'That I'm looking for it, I mean.
I'll explain when I see it, okay?"
Amy figured that this was about as much sense as she was going to get out of him for the moment, so just agreed. By now she was guiding him past another Salesman Slog, who was enthusiastically extolling the virtues of some kind of submersible to a group of winged pineapples. (She assumed that it was a scaled down representation!) Still, the sight somehow spurred her to remind the Doctor. "Sontaran's? All the same?"
He actually seemed to be quite irritated by her questioning, and answered without looking at her. "Now probably isn't the best time to explain about Sontaran's, Pond, but I can tell you this…'
Amy alternated between studying the Doctor, and watching where they were going. She felt uncomfortably like a seeing-eye Amy, as it really looked as if he had suddenly gone blind.
'Slog is unlike any Sontaran I have ever met… and I've met quite a few, so that's saying something!
'A laughing Sontaran? That can't be right!
'Also, he knew that you were a girl without being told…"
"Oy! What's that supposed to mean?' Amy demanded angrily, giving the Doctor's arm a shake. 'Why wouldn't he know I'm a girl?"
"It's nothing personal, Pond. Sontaran's just don't usually bother to differentiate between sexes. I suppose they had to learn how to do that, to avoid offending potential customers.
'That's weird as well. Sontaran's don't generally worry too much about offending anyone!
'Could you head us over to the left a bit, please, Pond?"
Amy complied, deciding to give him the benefit of doubt on that one. Steering a course around a couple of gorgeous looking space yachts, she headed in the general direction requested.
Then, without any warning whatsoever, Amy felt herself yanked back by the arm, when the Doctor simply froze on the spot.
Before she could complain, the Time Lord was already explaining quietly. "I think that this might be a good vantage point, Pond. I can almost see something."
They were quite close to a rather menacing looking hovercar-stroke-tank. It reminded Amy of the armoured personnel carriers that folks back home used for shopping trips, commuting to work, and dropping the kids off at school. She watched the salesgoblin handing some complicated looking headsets to a triumvirate of insectoid beings, only listening with half an ear as the Doctor edged her closer. "Yes! Becoming a little clearer from here. Two somethings. They don't seem to be going anywhere just now, so hopefully they don't realise that I'm onto them!"
When he had an unprotesting Pond positioned to his satisfaction, (She was too mystified to protest!) the Doctor disengaged himself. For the first time in an unnerving while, he actually looked at her and, Amy was relieved to note, saw her. "Thank you for being so patient, Pond.' He said with sincerity, 'I know that must have been a bit odd for you. But now I think I can show you what I was talking about –
'Oh, Fishcakes!"
The Doctor's unexpected outburst was inspired by the blank screen that had suddenly enveloped the Suburban Assault Vehicle display area. "What happened?" Amy asked in surprise.
Fuming, the Time Lord gave her a disgruntled shrug. "I should imagine that this particular Slog is taking his customers for a virtual test drive. Good news for him, perhaps. Rather bad timing for us, I'm afraid.
'We will look a bit conspicuous, if we are seen to be taking too much interest in a privacy screen, don't you think?"
Casting a furtive glance around for (as far as Amy could tell) imaginary observers, the Doctor snapped his fingers, then pointed towards the next display along. Another Slog was scrolling through a bewildering variety of sleek looking sky-bikes – at the request of a purple dinosaur…
"That one looks promising!' He declared decisively. 'Come along, Pond. Let's go and look interested over there."