The last few days had been very similar. Carrie had brought Brody breakfast and dinner. Brody had not talked much, especially not at all about personal things.
Carrie was sitting outside letting the sun warm her face. She was wondering if there would ever be some kind of closeness between them again. She had hoped it would be better by now, but it really wasn't. The worst was, she wasn't able to hide the pregnancy much longer. Soon she would start to show. But would he really notice? He wasn't even looking at her much. She needed to talk to Brody eventually but she knew that wasn't easy.
Carrie heard steps approaching behind her. She assumed it was Saul getting some fresh air. To her surprise Brody sat down next to her.
"Hi" He said.
"Hi. You're outside." Carrie said to Brody.
"I guess I am."
"How are you feeling?" Carrie tried and hoped Brody would actually talk to her for more than one sentence.
"Fine, I guess. Considering the last months and what I've been through." He answered with a bitter voice.
"Brody, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here. And if you don't, that's also fine by me."
Brody was quiet. He was thinking of actually talking to her. The pain she had caused by leaving him. The need never to be in one place more than a week. Getting shot and thrown away in a dark hole to rot. He knew it would be a huge relief. But he was still upset about how she had ditched him after telling him she wanted to be with him not more than 5 hours ago. In a way he knew he couldn't blame her for not going on the run with him. But she had really hurt him.
"Maybe someday, maybe not."
Carrie nodded. She could tell Brody was building a shield around him. He didn't want to get hurt – again.
"Listen, I'm sorry for leaving you. Really sorry"
"I don't want to talk about it." The shield, there it was.
"I get that but you really need to hear this." In fact, Carrie needed it. "It's my fault. It's all my fault. I was blind after Nazir's death. I missed it. It was right in front of me and I missed it."
Brody said nothing.
"And the worst…. I left you alone." Carrie's eyes filled with tears. "I should've gone with you. I could've protected you. I'm so sorry."
Carrie took Brody's hand. He pulled it away. He couldn't do it. He couldn't just pretend everything was fine now she apologized. It needed more than that. He didn't know what exactly but a sole and short apology wasn't enough. He sat there for a moment longer, then stood up and left Carrie sitting there by herself.
Carrie wiped her tears away. She had hoped talking to Brody would help. But could she really blame him? He was hurt and not only by her. She needed to give him more time. But she needed to fix it, too. She had never been much of a patient person. With Brody it was absolutely necessary. He had already built a wall around himself and she couldn't tear it down. It was up to him and Carrie really hoped she could regain his trust at some point. She decided to clear her head by taking a walk.
In the evening, Carrie was sitting in Brody's room. They were eating silently as usual. After dinner Carrie took the plates to the kitchen and didn't go back to Brody. On her walk she had made up her mind. She wanted to leave Brody some space. She would still be around but not sitting by his side all the time. He would come to her if he was ready.
Carrie poured two glasses of wine and found Saul outside. She handed him one.
"Thanks." Saul said. "He still isn't talking, huh?"
"No." Carrie shook her head.
"Well…"
"I know, Saul. He needs time. I got that. I had some time to think this afternoon."
"That's good. Listen, I need to fly back for some days. Do you think you can handle it alone while I'm gone?"
Carrie didn't answer right away.
"I can call someone who can cover for me for a few days." Saul suggested.
"No, no. I can take it."
"Are you sure?" Saul wasn't. He was worried that Carrie couldn't handle being alone with Brody at this time. Saul knew he was her shoulder to lean on. Being back home, she would be on her own.
"I will be fine, believe me." Carrie reassured. "Is something wrong? With Mira?"
"No, Mira is fine. She's still in Mumbai with her family. I have to take care of some things at the agency in person."
"Okay. Thanks for holding the line. I will be back by the end of the week."
"No problem. How are thing with Mira anyway?" Carrie knew it was a touchy topic.
"Well, I'm here or rather in the States and she's not."
"I see. I'm sorry."
"Maybe this comes with the job. I don't know. It had never been easy."
Carrie sighed. She knew what he was talking about. She had been alone her whole life aside from one night stands and brief affairs. Working for the CIA wasn't exactly fitting in with a family life.
"After all this, I want to take things easier. I really need to save my marriage."
Carrie nodded. "That's good, Saul. Maybe we each have a chance to change some things in our life. Maybe we will not spend the rest of our lives alone."
"Maybe."