Chapter 6

Ella wasn't sure what woke her, but whatever it was, it woke her up with a start. She gave a jump and then winced, her entire body stiff and sore from spending the night in the armchair. As comfortable as it was, it was not made for sleeping.

She noticed that light was coming through the window, which meant it was morning. She slowly moved her body, stretching her legs in front of her and lifting her arms over her head. Then, she started to shrug her shoulders and she winced again as something went pop.

Even as she did, she tried to think back to the dream she only partially remembered. There had been a cold, wintery land. A lamppost in the middle of a forest. She dreamt of a large ship and of battles. She dreamt of bows and arrows and swords. There was a lion in part of it as well as unicorns and other odd creatures, like fauns.

She shook her head, hissing in discomfort at how much her neck ached. She reached behind herself with one hand and started to rub at the offending muscles, feeling how tight they were. She really should have gone to bed.

As she did her best to get out the knot in her neck, she thought about her dreams. Though interesting, of course they didn't mean anything. They were images that came to her mind from the reading journals of Susan.

In the light of morning, Ella didn't know what she had been thinking. Another land? How was that possible? It was very real in the journals, but could it all have been a game?

She looked at the journal that was lying on her lap. She had fallen asleep reading it and there had been little mentioned about Narnia in it, except that she tried not to talk about it with her siblings. Instead, she talked about things that didn't interest Ella much. She wondered if she wanted to continue with the journals, then decided she did. She was almost done. There was the rest of this journal and two more to read. That was all.

Ella set the journal down on the box that contained the others before forcing herself out of the chair. She thought she had stretched enough, but apparently that wasn't the case. Her back was protesting, but she had a feeling that would be the case for the rest of the day. It always was if she fell asleep in an odd position.

Though she wanted to read the rest of the journals, she decided the first thing to do was get breakfast, take a shower and change her clothing. Her stomach growled and that helped her decide what to do first. Though a shower sounded nice, especially a warm one to help with her knotted muscles, food was more important.

She walked down the steps, avoiding the fourth step from the bottom like she normally did. She wasn't sure why she avoided the squeaky step. She never snuck in or out of the house, but it was something she had gotten used to doing. It made her sad to think about the fact that she would soon sell the house and she wouldn't be walking up and down the stairs anymore. What else could she do though? She certainly couldn't afford to keep it. Besides, her grandmother would want her to move on.

Walking into the kitchen, she started to look through the cupboards. She really did need to shopping soon. She was running low on a lot of essentials.

Not seeing anything for breakfast, she opened the freezer. "Aha," she whispered as she took out a package of frozen waffles. They just had to go into the toaster. She plugged it in and placed two of the ice cold waffles into the slots before pushing the handle down.

While those were being toasted, Ella poured herself a glass of orange juice and got out the syrup, noting how little was left. She would need to go get more syrup too. Waffles just were not any good without syrup.

Her waffles popped up and she carefully grabbed one, quickly dropping it on a plate before doing the same with the second waffle.

After eating the waffles, she went back upstairs and took a long, almost scalding shower. She felt some of the knots her in back, shoulders and neck loosen and gave a small sigh. Much better.

She let herself stay in the shower until the water became colder and she finally got out. She dried off and put on another pair of jeans, thick socks and a grey knit sweater.

Though she knew she had more work to do, sorting through her grandmother's things as well as packing her own things, she was drawn back to her room and she looked at the journals.

Her hand went to play with the locket and she opened it and turned it so she could see the faces of the four Pevenises again. Though she noticed how all of them looked, her eyes focused on Susan's. What could have happened? She knew a bit from the other items in the box, but there had to be something else. She had lost her family, yes. Yet, how did Narnia tie into everything? Something told her that the two things were connected, but she hadn't figured out how.

Settling back in her chair, she picked up the journal she had been reading the night before and started it again. There was nothing very noteworthy but Ella read the whole thing. About dances and parties, about her life.

Near the end, she caught sight of the word Narnia.

Peter, Edmund and Lucy keep going on about Narnia. They talk to the Professor about it as well as to Eustace. I don't want to join them. Why can't they understand we have to move on? We are never going back so we much grow up and put away these childish fantasies of returning.

When they mentioned it to me again, I almost laughed. I asked if they were still playing that silly game. I also said they had imaginations. I have to say, it was better than thinking about the fact of not returning. It does seem like a dream though. So much that it feels like it never happened or that it was something that happened to another girl at some other time.

That is the difference though. I am not a girl anymore. I'm a woman. Just because my siblings are not able to grow up doesn't mean I will do the same. I've seen a whole new world out there and it is not hidden away in the back of wardrobe.

The entry continued with Susan writing about a party she was going to and the new dress she had bought, which was apparently the latest fashion.

Ella frowned and put that journal away, getting out the second to last journal. This journal started out the way the other one ended. Talking about a party. She mentioned having the house to herself to get ready since her parents were going to pick up Peter, Edmund, Lucy and a few others from the train station.

Ella felt her stomach clench, shivering, knowing what was going to happen.

She turned the next page and saw that the hand didn't look steady anymore.

They are gone. How can they be gone? I can't breathe. It hurts so much…

That was all on one page. Then, she looked at the opposite side and saw the date was a week later.

I still cannot believe they are gone. Peter, Edmund, dear sweet Lucy, Mother, Father, Eustace, his friend Jill, the Professor and Aunt Polly. All of them. I have never felt so alone and so lost before.

There was a funeral for Peter, Edmund, Lucy Mother and Father yesterday. The others will have different ones. The five coffins were more than I could truly handle. I felt ill and felt faint often. I wish I had been there. Then I wouldn't be here alone.

Why am I left? Why me? What did I do wrong to have to deal with this alone? I have no one. Even my Aunt and Uncle will not speak to me. Oh, I wish I could hide in that wardrobe again with Peter, Edmund and Lucy. I wish we could play games again. Anything. Just to see them again.

Finding Lucy the way I did…she almost looked happy. Oh my dear, sweet sister.

I feel like my heart is breaking. It truly must be.

The others always had a stronger faith than I did and I wonder what happens after death. I do hope there is something after. I can't imagine there never being a single trace left of any of them.

I don't know what to do. What will I do? How can I move on? Why does there have to be so much pain?

Ella wiped at her eyes, not realizing she had tears falling until her eyesight became blurred. "Oh, Susan…" she whispered. She had lost her grandmother and had almost never gotten past that. How could anyone get past losing so many people all at once?

She continued to read and a lot of the pages were filled with half thoughts and ramblings. She could only imagine the pain that Susan was going through. She finished the journal, feeling like her emotions were torn apart and that was just from reading them.

Though she had doubts about what the next journal held, she had to finish. She noticed there was a gap between the start of this journal and the last one. Almost a year.

I have settled into school here in America and I have a very kind roommate named Elizabeth. She has been very nice and welcoming to me. In fact, she has already invited me to visit with her family during holidays. I told her perhaps. I have not been around families since the loss of mine and I am uncertain if I feel comfortable with the idea. I told her what happened, just the basic story and she is very understanding.

Ella read a bit more and saw that while Susan still had troubles with the death of her family, noted by the number of mentions of nightmares and Elizabeth comforting her, she was recovering.

There might be gaps between her writing in it, but she talked about school being difficult but never mentioned what she was studying.

Then there was mention of a certain man. David Roberts.

I have met the most wonderful man. No, I am not speaking as I used to, a girl focused on dances and lipstick. I was walking back with a few others and he approached us and asked my name. It created quite a stir amongst all of us. I introduced myself and he told me his name. He has invited me out on a date. I asked why and he said I was strikingly beautiful and I must be smart to be going to school. The words sound so silly written down, but when he said them, I knew he meant them. So tomorrow night, David Roberts and I will be going on a date.

Ella recognized the name as that of Susan's husband from the wedding announcement. She could imagine Susan, a young woman being asked out by a man who happened to see her. She was pretty enough from what she could tell of the pictures.

I had a wonderful time with David. He was kind, considerate, courteous and I was glad that he also seemed nervous like I was. He was a gentleman though and even escorted me back to the school entrance, which is as far as he was allowed to go. He asked for the pleasure of inviting me out again and I agreed. I am feeling something strange, something I never felt with any others. I also feel happier than I have in a long time.

The rest of the journal was filled with talking about school and David. Then Ella got to the last pain.

I am not sure if the pain will ever truly be gone. I miss them daily and cry often. All I know is that I know have grown up. If Aslan was truly real and wonderful, I would not have had to endure so much alone and he would not have sent me away after we helped Caspian.

David and I have spoken for the future and I think he will ask me to marry him. It is time to move on and I will be placing this and the other journals away. It is time to grow up.

Ella shut the last journal. She should have felt better about this, but she didn't. She had never had imagination to make up fill kingdoms and adventures and she didn't think Susan did either. She had written as much. How could she call it fake?

She sighed, wondering if there would ever be answers.

She reached into the box and pulled out one of the photo albums, looking at the photos and wondering about Susan and what had happened next in her life. She considered looking through the letters to her grandmother but that felt like too much at the moment.

After seeing pictures of the four happy children, she put the album back. She got to her feet and stretched again and looked outside. The sun was shining, which made it a good time to take Millie on a walk.