I sit here, unable to bare the truth come together.
I got to school fairly early today, since my waking at 4:00 this morning. I don't know much about Edward, but I know enough to know they are different. I mean one look at there whole family and obviously something was up. I don't know where all this was coming from, I just felt like I wanted to uncover the secret before I shared mine. As I approached the school parking lot, I heard someone yell, I immediately hid myself behind a parked car.
"A HUMAN !? EDWARD!? REALLY?" The voice yelled, and was shushed immediately by many different voices. I peaked over the car to see a furious blonde yelling at Edward. I believe that's his sister Rosalie. Human? Is that what she said to him? Human? I'm lost. I kept staring and noticed there lips moving fast, and they would nod like they could hear each other, and they were standing pretty distant from each other. Human? I thought again, she said it as if they were something else……. Something else. Aliens? Okay that's just ridiculous, I'm going crazy, but its comfortable knowing just what exactly is going on with me. Edward looked at her anger burning in his eyes, an Edward I have never seen, and quite frankly, is absolutely scary. But she stared back at him that evil in her eyes, just as strong as his.. Maybe even stronger. While the others stood around them, trying to calm the situation, with their silence. I felt the need to go and calm Edward, like he needed me right then and there, and I wanted to be something he needed, but I recently discovered that I need him, for some strange reason that I hated. I decided to draw attention to myself, maybe it would get his attention, okay so maybe I didn't do it on purpose exactly, but half way through the fall, where I was almost face to face with the ground, I thought "I'm drawing attention to myself." I fell forward, tripping on nothing particular as always, and fell on my face, my hands holding me up so I didn't do any damage to my head or anything.
"Uh.' I groaned and rolled over onto my back, and put my hand to my head.
"Bella?" I heard my name being called by his beautiful voice. Ugh. His voice just his voice. Nothing beautiful about it.
"Bella?" Except the way my name slides out of his mouth. I wonder what it would be like to say his name.
"Hm." I answered myself more than him.
"Are you okay?" His voice was close now, right above me. I opened my eyes, and his face was only inches apart, I didn't even hear him crouch down. Then his cool hand touched my forehead and it felt so good, but I couldn't let him distract me, I was trying to figure him out remember. Remember Bella? Then he gently moved his thumb, and it caressed my head, so soft so hard like marble, but so smooth.. Remember what?
"Are you okay?" He repeated .
"Hm?" I hummed just aware of the fact that his hand was on my head. How pathetic. I lifted myself up on my elbows and looked his straight in the eye. His eyes were darker today, and I wanted to ask why.. In words I really wanted to. Say something, I begged my self. Please say something. He looked at me, something in his dark eyes, that wasn't there yesterday. Something in his eyes that I didn't see the other day or the day before that or the day before that. I opened my mouth, trying to force words out trying to dig deep for the right word. I didn't notice I was holding my breathe but I exhaled and my eyes started to tear up. I wanted to tell him so much. I wanted to tell people so much. But I couldn't.
"What is it?" He put his hand on my cheek, and blush crept in. I closed my mouth and shook my head. One little tear rolled down my cheek and Edward wiped it away. I pulled out my note pad and pen, and began scribbling down a note.
I wrote : Good morning.
I handed it to him and he smiled.
"Good morning Bella." He smiled and handed me the notepad back.
I wrote: How did you know I was crying last night?
I had to get right to it before he started with all the smiling and making my heart stop and all that. He frowned when he read what I wrote, and I immediately felt bad. Did I ask something wrong?
"You - I didn't.' He said with a straight face. He was keeping something from me. I grabbed the notepad a little angry.
I wrote : Yeah you did.
He read it and frowned again.
"Bella we shouldn't be friends." He looked down at the ground and I felt it. I felt all the pain I have ever felt go right through me . I was waiting for this, I knew this would happen. I knew from day one. He probably heard something from Jenny, or someone, he probably finally went back into general person mode and realized, being friends with a murderer was never a good idea. I felt tears in my eyes, stronger than ever, I felt them slide down my numb face.
"Its better that way. And safer for you." He was still looking at the ground and I bit my lip, trying to keep from sobbing. Its like he was breaking up with me, he was breaking up our friendship, and it hurt because I secretly put some kind of hope into Edward. Hope I shouldn't have counted on. Again, my fault. What did he mean safer for me?
"I'm sorry." He finally looked up at me pained. I looked at the ground this time nodding my head. To think I wanted to share a secret so strong with him and here he is backstabbing me.
"I want to be your friend Bella." He touched my face and wiped up a few tears and I was lost. What in the world did he mean. I cant understand, I can put the puzzle together and understand. What is he telling me? This is the problem, its hard to be friends with people that have rapid mood swings? Is that it? Because that's all I got.
I took the notepad and wrote: What are you telling me Edward? Your not telling me something.
He read it and murmured something to himself that I couldn't hear.
"Its to dangerous." I heard faintly. What's too dangerous? Am I dangerous? Is that it? I was beginning to get angry with him. I grabbed the notepad and scribbled down a note to him, my hands shaking as I wrote.
I wrote: To dangerous? To hang out with me a murderer? Is that what they told you? Is that what you are afraid of? Me ? You think I go around killing all my friends? Is that what everyone is telling you? I sort of expected it from them, but now from you Edward, I sort of thought you were different. Well, good bye.
I threw the note at him and stood as quickly as possible and began running away form him leaving my notepad behind, along with my backpack and everything. The damp air cooled my face, as I ran past the cars in the parking lot. I think I heard him call my name but I cant be sure, the air whipping past was all I could really hear clearly. I ran my fastest, and I noticed people staring, whispering and I seriously just about had it. They walk around with their lies to tell, their lies to spread like a disease, but what did I do to them? Who did anything to them? Why people do it? I will never know, but I do know it will never stop. It just keeps going. Forever. Forever is a long time. And do they know what their lies do to people? They ruin people, people like me. People that thought things would never get so worse where they couldn't even look in the mirror, so worse they cant even go outside, so bad where they cant even trust their own parents. I'm sure they know, and I'm sure they enjoy the effect they can have on one person. Makes them feel powerful . By now it was raining, just like it was when Edward picked me up that one day. The day I first sat in Edwards car. I ran past building past shops and stores, I ran past everyone with umbrellas. I was soaked, my hair had become stringy and wavy. I kept running though like I was running for my life. I remember when I was a little girl, I use to play in the park a lot, and I remember the wonderful extravagant colors, the yellows the pinks the blues, the oranges the reds, the greens, all around me as I swung on the swings. One day a butterfly flew right in front of me as I swung up high, I was so mesmerized by her beauty I didn't know what to do. I had never seen one this close before. I jumped of the swing, and followed her. I ran like I was running now, and I tried my best to keep up. The trees rushed past, and my shoes cracked fallen leaves and tapped the smooth pavement. I just kept running and running, till I came to an open spot, the trees surrounded me. But the butterfly disappeared. After a while I was going to walk back, when I saw that same butterfly on a tree, and one to follow, and another one, and another one, and another one, till I was surrounded by butterflies.. I cant remember being any happier. That's before people ruined me. Now I'm here running, no butterflies, no extravagant colors, nothing like that. I pushed past people, who yelled at me for pushing past them. I kept running though till my feet stopped. They stopped right in front of the hospital. With out another thought my feet were running, running right into the hospital. I ran in and nothing has changed on bit. Its still gloomy, its still dull, and its still a hospital. I saw Carlisle and he saw me. I raised my hand, to him, waving him down. He ran over to me.
"Miss swan. Is everything okay?" he put his hand on my shoulder. I shook my head, and put my hand to my head.
"Here lets go somewhere more private." He said and began to lead me down the big white hall, and to the last room in the back, I walked in and saw a note pad with a pen over on the counter I went to it and grabbed it, then sat myself on the little bed in the center of the room.
I wrote: I hate your son. Have you banned him from talking to me or something?
I went and gave it to Carlisle to read and answer. He looked at me very confused, like I had written in a different language.
"No…. why would you think that?" Carlisle handed me the notepad back with the pen, and I wrote just like I would explain it.
I wrote: He said we couldn't be friends anymore. And then .. He said he wanted to. But we cant. And that's what he said Carlisle that we couldn't be friends.'
"And why does that bother you?"
Because . I thought he was my friend, or something close to that anyways.
"How do you feel about him exactly?"
I feel like… I don't know.
"Well the feeling must be strong for you to react so angry. Am I wrong?"
No. but your not right.
"Why does it bother you, he doesn't want to be your friend Bella?"
Because.
My hand froze after 'Because.' I really didn't know, and I tried to ask my self the question over and over again in my mind, but nothing clicked. Why did I care if Edward was my friend or not, people did that to me all the time. People do those things to other people.
"Because?" Carlisle saw that I was stuck at because.
I don't know. I finished it.
"You don't know." He repeated, not angry, nor mad, or impatient, he was just saying what I had wrote. Just repeating. Thinking about it.
"I think. You need to think about that question first. Before we go on to anything else.' Carlisle, told me, a fatherly tone in his voice. I felt stupid now, running in here looking a mess all cause Edward doesn't want to be my friend.. It was childish, and dumb. I regret my decisions.
"You should talk to Edward." Carlisle looked down at his clip board. I shook my head furiously. there was no way in hell, I was talking to Edward. The whole running to Carlisle about him not wanting to be my friend was childish, but I had a right to be mad. Why? I don't know. Its not like he promised to be there for me or anything, or said he was my best friend. But it still angered me. I would figure out later why, but for now I'm angry with him. Carlisle saw me shaking my head and smiled a small smile. Then a knock was heard at the door, and Carlisle sighed like he already knew who it was.
"Come in." Carlisle sighed, and the door slowly opened, and there stood Edward. I almost turned my back at him, that's how stubborn I felt.
"Can I talk to Bella?" Edward asked his father, and I felt sort of special being able to see him talk to his dad. Why? Again I don't know.
"She doesn't want to talk to you." Carlisle whispered to Edward. Edward looked over at me, and I looked down at my hands.
"Bella, please just 2 minutes please." Edward begged, my eyes widened and I looked up at him, he looked honest. So I nodded, I just wanted to hear what he had to say. It took a moment for Carlisle to leave, it seemed they were having one of those silent conversations again. Something like what I saw in the parking lot earlier. What was that? How cou-
"Okay I'll be outside." Carlisle said to me, but still looking at Edward, and concerned look on Carlisle's face. Like a father, worried the water would be to cold for his little boy in the pool. That's exactly what it looked like. The door shut closed, and I put my eyes back to the ground.
"Bella I'm sorry." Edward said to me, his voice very gentle and soft. I grabbed the notepad beside me and the pen and replied to him.
I wrote : Sure thing Edward.
"Bella I really am. I didn't mean to make you cry." I could tell he was staring at me but I didn't dare look up at him.
Its fine. I cry all the time.
"You shouldn't though. I wish- I." He didn't finish his sentence, so I wrote again.
I understand you not wanting to be my friend.
He read it and a look of pain? Covered his face.
"No Bella I want to be your friend. I really do. Its just, it wouldn't work." He explained horribly. I snatched the notepad away and began writing.
What? It wouldn't work because your better than me. It would ruin you to be seen with me?
"That's ridiculous, that's not why and it would never be why. I don't even know how you could come up with such an idea." He was angry now, he was angry at me for guessing what I thought was the truth. He's hiding something from me. The words repeated in my head. I grabbed the notepad and wrote:
Then why? Yes Edward why.
"Because I'm different. Dangerous. And It would never work." He was still angry with me, I heard it in his tone.
I wrote: Different, Dangerous how?
I was on the edge of the bed now. Dangerous? Him? I thought it was me. Different? Yes I saw it. I saw how he could be different, how he could be considered different, but that's not what he was telling me. He pinched the bridge of his nose and looked down. He exhaled loud.
"Bella trust me. Its not a good idea." He sighed. I snatched the notepad away from him again. Before I started writing again, I looked up at him, and his eyes were almost begging, he really doesn't want me to be his friend.
I wrote: What makes you so dangerous.
I handed him the note as he read it a smirk appeared on his face, and only made me angrier. But then the smirk disappeared, and my stomach dropped.
"I…cant answer that." He hesitated. He gave me back the notepad, and pen.
I wrote: Why not.
"I just cant. Your hiding something too."
I wrote: I cant answer that Edward.
"Hiding so much, we could never be friends." His face was hard now.
I wrote: Why did you even chase me down here Edward.
"Because you were crying."
I wrote: Well I'm not crying anymore so you can leave now.
He looked at the note then at me. I wanted to yell at him, ask him why this couldn't work, I wanted to ask why he was so dangerous. I wanted to know. He put the notepad down on the counter and looked back at me.
"Fine." That single word came out of his perfect mouth, that single word scared me. He began walking slowly to the door, and then he walked out. Not even looking back at me. And once he left a single tear rolled down my cheek, and that single tear scared me. Carlisle came back in with a sympathetic smile on his face.
"I'm sure things will work out." Carlisle said. I rolled my eyes and got off the bed, I waved good bye and walked out of the room. What was the point. What was the point of this whole thing, of talking to Carlisle, of thinking some how Edward was different than people who treated me like crap, what was the point in crying about it, or fighting about it. It happened, and I guess I'll never know why. And how quickly it happened, right after I thought I could trust him with a secret. I mean I didn't know him well, but I needed to release, and I wanted to release to him. Why it felt like he was the only person in the world. When really he wasn't the only person in the world, there were many people in the world, and just because he was nice to me for a while. I realized I was making my way down the hall way of the hospital. I was walking alone. The hall quite, only a few murmurs heard from behind the doors I passed, but other than that, it was just me and my thoughts. I can get away from Edward and Carlisle by simply walking away, but to get away from myself. Is another story.
The next day:
I've been doing a good job ignoring Edward, if I saw him I would walk the other way, I don't think he noticed because he didn't even glance at me. I wasn't too excited about sitting next to him for a whole hour. I toyed with the idea of skipping, but after Charlie went on about it yesterday, I am ban from skipping and I need to just deal with it. I appreciated Charlie being straight forward with me. At the end of his lecture I gave him a hug. So I'm forced to see Edward. As I walked into my next class, I feel, comfortable, I feel better that Edward isn't in here, but I spot his sister, who sits behind me. I haven't ever talked to her nor has she spoke to me. She smiles at me every time I enter the class, but I never thought anything about it till today. I felt like every person connected with Edward, decided not to be my friend. I tried hard not to think that, but I couldn't help it. I took my seat, and avoided the people whispering about me at the table next to me. All girls. Figures.
"Hi I'm Alice Cullen." Her voice came from behind me. I turned around to meet face to face with the short haired pixie like girl. I waved with a raise of my hand, and she smiled wider. I turned back around and ripped a paper out of my notebook, and wrote
Hi I'm Bella Swan.
And then turned to her and passed it to her. She read it like she greeted me. With a smile. I turned back around and that's all that happened that period. That's when it hit me. It hit me like a ton of
Bricks. If I ever talk again, I want to talk to her. And just like that she was tangled in with everyone else in my life, she was tangled in Bella's web. Somehow just by her saying hi , I knew that. And I will tell you I'm not sure of a lot of things but I knew this somehow.
Sure I'll deny it now, but tomorrow and how about the next day when she says hi again. I put my head down not wanting to know the answers now, just wanting the questions to go away so they could stop adding up .
Just stop adding up. That whole class went slow, and I almost begged for next period. Then when the bell, rang I almost begged to stay.
But I was soon walking to my next class, and even sooner after that I was walking into the classroom. And yep Edward was there sitting, staring straight ahead. I took a deep breathe and went to take my seat next to him.
I kept my eyes on the board the whole time. No hello, no nothing, just the noise around us. That was it. I sat there just staring at the board as the teacher began lecturing, and I just stared. Even though I wasn't talking to Edward, my mind was thinking about Edward and I wish it would stop. I decided to take just a quick peek at Edward.
When I looked over at him, he looked like he was annoyed at first, but when I stared his feature softened, and he slowly began to turn his head to look at me, and I turned away fast. Did his eyes change color? The rest of the period went by dreadfully slow. But once that bell rang I was out. The rest of the day went by … dully. I walked home, and when I got home. I cried about sandy, tried calling Aurora not knowing what to say, but she didn't answer so I didn't have to worry about it. Then I did homework at around 1:00am , then went to sleep.
The weekend:
I haven't let my self decide, but I know that if I had a voice I would speak. About? I'm not sure, but I would say something. I would turn to Alice who sits behind me, and say 'hi.' I would turn to Edward and say 'I hate you', but only not really. I would go to Carlisle and say 'you helped.' I would go to Sandy's grave and say 'sorry.' That wouldn't be enough though. It would never be enough. I would tell my mom and dad ' I love you'. I would say things that wouldn't help anything. I would say things that wouldn't help the pain inside, I would say things that would just make things worse. That's what I use to think. But now as I sit here in the back yard, with bagged flower seeds spread everywhere, trying to decide which flower first, I think: If I had a voice…. It would help. The sun is out today, and it shines right above me, but the tree still covers most of it, I can feel it. I love the sun. One of the few things is love is the sun. Jacob use to be my sun, on those hard days, but he slipped away. Far away, he became the storm that washed everything away. Hm. I picked up the rose seeds. I want roses. To remind me of love. What it felt like to be loved.
A/N: So the next chapters should be coming up very, very soon, like tomorrow I think I will have one up, and the next day I will have another one up because I know exactly what I want to happen and exactly how its going to happen. Things are just getting started so stay with me here and please be patient. I wanted to put everything into this chapter, but it seemed like things would be happening too soon. So please keep reading and reviewing. Thanks :]