I love all the reviews I have. I am trying to reply to them all, but sometimes just run short on time. Just know that I appreciate and read each one. I check repeatedly from my phone all day :), too bad the reply feature don't work on the mobile site, not that I've figured out. A few people have asked if I was going to do Ranger's POV. My original idea was to stay in Steph's POV. Eventually Ranger's thoughts and feelings are revealed but it will be a while. Give me your opinion. Anyway, here's the next chapter...enjoy ;)
BTW -Tamia's song in this chapter is really great, you should listen to it if you haven't heard it already. Not the whole song was used here , just parts.
CHAPTER 07
My Pity Party
I couldn't believe it.
He really does hate me and if that was any clue, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. If I didn't get the hint before, I definietly got it now.
I backed up until the back of my legs touched the kitchen chair and sat down. There I sat staring at the phone unable to take my eyes off of it.
It wasn't until I heard my cell phone ringing that I snapped out of it and realized I had been sitting there for a couple hours. The sun had gone down and my apartment was dark. I didn't' make it to the phone on time, or bother looking to see who it was.
I wasn't in the mood to do anything but sit around here and have my own pity party. I don't want to see anyone, don't want to talk to anyone.
I grabbed the six pack of beer from my fridge. Opened my bedroom window to the fire escape. Turned the radio on. Wrapped myself in a thick blanket. Set my six pack on the fire escape. Sat myself in the window frame. Opened my first bottle of beer and guzzled it down. Tossing the empty bottle inside on the bed.
Having Ranger hang up the phone on me again today left me with the same empty feeling I had the other day. It was a physical pain. I could feel it. There was an ache in my stomach that couldn't be eased and empty hole where my heart used to be. The heart that he took with him when he left.
I drained my second beer to try and ease the pain and opened the third.
I am lost.
I don't know what direction to go in. I was half listening to the music playing on the radio as my eyes scanned the streets below. Winter without snow has got to be the ugliest season. The ice from this morning melted. The grass is brown. Where there was once flowers, there is now mud and shriveled up brown stems and leaves. The trees were bare with only a few brown leaves hanging on for life by the last thread of their stem. That's what I felt like, the ugly winter. Hanging on by my last thread to what used to be beautiful, waiting to feel it again.
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh baby tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It won't go away
And today I'm officially missing you
Snow. Yeah, that's what winter needs. Fresh, crisp, white snow to line the trees and the ground. It makes everything look fresh and new. It hides all of the ugliness underneath until it is time to grow again.
I thought that from the heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today I'm officially missing you
Over the last couple years I had come to accept with Ranger not wanting a relationship with me. Not that I ever stopped hoping. Just accepted it. I didn't want to lose our friendship. It seems to me now that our friendship was only important to one of us.
We were friends. If anythinghHe should have trusted me. I have never lied to him. Yes, I have gone back and forth with Joe for years. But I never lied to Ranger about it. He made it clear that he didn't want me. So was it wrong to try to make it work with somebody who did want me? The one who was wronged by me in this whole twisted thing was Joe. If anyone should be pissed at me it should be him.
Maybe I really was nothing more than entertainment to him and his men. Expensive entertainment, but entertainment none the less.
Well I wish that you would call me right now
So that I could get through to you somehow
But I guess it's safe to say baby safe to say
What am I going to do now?
How do I move on without him?
The fact is I don't really want to move on without him. I just want him. Other than that I don't know what I want.
Why the hell do I still want him anyway, after how he's rejected me? Guess you can't choose whom your heart loves.
Well I thought I could just get over you babe
But I see that's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way
To let go of you
I just can't find a way
To let go of you
(Tamia - Officially Missing You)
I have been trying appear strong since he left. Trying to make it look like him leaving was no big deal. I managed pretty well at times, but it is not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm really not sure how I am going to continue living and working here when everything around here reminds me of him.
It's too damn hard to be strong.
My fourth beer was gone. Popped the top on number five.
And my mind just kept going in those damn viscious circles again. Why can't I just shut it off? Too bad I didn't have another six pack in the fridge, I could just numb myself.
Was my fault. I mean I did keep yo-yoing back and forth with Joe.
Why am I looking to blame myself now? He's the one who sent me back to Joe after spending the night making love to me. He's the one who told me his love comes with a condom, not a ring. I didn't throw myself at him. He's the one who couldn't keep his hands and lips off of me.
Then again, it doesn't really matter whose fault it is, does it?
He left.
He's gone.
He pushed me out of his life.
Doesn't want anything more to do with me.
What I wouldn't give to have Ranger walk throught that door right now, to feel his arms around me right now and ease the pain. His arms were so safe and strong when wrapped around me. I felt like nothing could ever hurt me when he held me. I wanted to hear him tell me 'Proud of you babe'. I never heard anyone tell me they were proud of me except for my dad. When I would hear it from Ranger, it gave me so much self confidence that I felt I could do anything.
Oh, love
Never knew what I was missing
But I knew once we start kissin'
I found love
Never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found you
I am lost. I have lost part of me. Part of me that Ranger will always have. I thought I knew what love was before, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Ranger.
It hurts that he could so easily walk away from me and cast me away.
Now go on, what am I gonna do
I'm so so empty
My heart, my soul can't to on
Go on baby without you
Rainy days fade away
When you come around
Say you're here to stay
With me, boy
I don't want you to leave me
I need you
(Keisha Cole - Love)
I climbed back in the bedroom, turned to shut the window and thought I saw a snowflake fall. I looked out for a few more seconds to see if I could see another. Nothing.
My fifth empty bottle of beer was placed on the table, the sixth one already opened and half gone. I turned up the music.
The next song was playing
Some people live for the fortune
Some people live for the fame
Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things define what's within
And I have been there before, and that life's a bore
So full of the superficial
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you
Slamming the sixth empty bottle on the table, I yelled at the radio. "Can't you play anything but mushy, sappy fucking love songs?", as I ripped the plug out of the wall and flung it across the room. I watched as is smashed into pieces and fell to the floor.
I was getting angry.
It felt good to find my anger.
Not knowing where the sudden rush of anger came from I picked up the empty bottle from the table hurling against the wall. Shattering it in pieces throughout the room. Oblivious to anything around me, I picked up the other five bottles one at a time and screamed as I threw them against the wall.
"HOW COULD YOU JUST WALK AWAY?"
SMASH!
"HOW CAN YOU JUST TURN YOUR BACK ON ME?"
SMASH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHG!"
SMASH!
SMASH!
"I thought we meant more than that to each other."
SMASH!
"I would have done anything for you." I cried out. I looked around, grabbing whatever was in my reach and smashing it. After the lamp I didn't see anything else. "You didn't even give me a chance." I wrapped my hands around my middle and slid down the wall until my ass hit the floor. The tears came hard again. But these weren't only tears of grief and hurt. These were also tears of anger and frustration. These were cleansing tears. Physically draining and empowering at the same time.