Title: "I'll Be There" Chapter Six
Author: Macattack102712, aka "Mac Mackenzie"
Publish Date: Original Publish date: August 2002, redone and completed Fall/Winter 2017.
Pairing: Harm/Mac
Category: Romance/Angst
Summary: Mac gets devastating news regarding her beloved Uncle Matt. Her JAG family must come together to get her thru the hardest trial of her life. In the process, she learns the tremendous gift and power that comes with letting love in.
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1230
Officer Quarters
USS Patrick Henry
Somewhere in the Atlantic
Harm checked his watch as he clicked the 'submit' button. If his suspicions were correct, it was possible the critical breaking point for the case had been found. And not a moment to spare. All he could do was wait for the Admiral's response.
Receiving confirmation, the report successfully transmitted, he allowed his mind to wander. His eyes settled on the framed picture of the two of them with their godson, AJ Roberts. Aside from the photo taken at a NATO ball, this was his favorite.
It had been a beautiful Saturday afternoon the day it was taken: sunny and warm, with a slight breeze keeping the temperature just right. They had volunteered to keep little AJ so his parents could car shop without the added distraction of toting a toddler. Later, the four adults arranged to meet up at a local park.
The photo had been a candid one, snapped by Harriet in the spur of the moment.
At the sight of his godparents, the little boy had squirmed out of Bud's arms, to run at a tipsy gait towards the two. Mac, having been a stride ahead of Harm, was the first to reach him. She eagerly hoisted him high in the air, his squeals of delight echoing the joy that lit up her face. Harm was captured looking over her shoulder with a broad grin on his handsome face, his hands outstretched in a mock attempt to tickle the boy. To any passerby, the three were the epitome of a typical family; a loving husband and wife enjoying the day with their adorable son. Harriet had felt the photo opportunity was too precious to pass up. And so with a discrete, but quick snap of the camera, the moment was preserved for eternity. The two had been completely unaware of the camera; Mac caught up in laughing at her godson, Harm enamored with watching both. They were pleasantly surprised the following week when both found a framed copy on their desks with a cheerful note of thanks from Harriet.
He lost count as to the number of times he had stared at the photo. His eyes were drawn to her, like a moth to a flame; completely mesmerized by everything about her. The quality of the photo was magnificent, having captured the essence of her beauty like no other. The sun valiantly lit up the subtle tones of red in her silky, mahogany brown hair, but it paled in comparison to the expression of utter joy on her face.
The image of two of the most precious people in his world filled Harm's heart with a sense of longing. And he could no longer deny what he wanted.
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::FLASHBACK::
"Haaaarm! If you don't stop feeding that child chocolate ice-cream, he's going to be so wired he won't sleep for weeks! And you're getting it all over his clothes. Harriet's gonna have a fit!" Mac admonished, using one hand to wipe AJ's chocolate-smeared mouth while the other worked to keep her own frozen treat away from their godson's grubby little hands. The motion proved to be a vain attempt because the antsy toddler began to protest at being restrained in his uncle's arms. With a sigh of mock frustration, she wadded up the dirty wet wipes and tossed them in the plastic sack. "I don't know why I keep wiping his mouth, you just keep shoving it in his face". She motioned towards the dark stains already forming on the navy shortsleeved bodysuit peeking out from under striped shortalls.
Harm's face took on an expression of feigned confusion as he flipped AJ over in his arms, tickling the boy's ribcage which only resulted in shrieks of laughter. "Lighten up, will ya, Mac? Just because his aunt is a tough old jarhead doesn't mean he has to be squared away like the barracks at Camp Pendleton".
She shot him her notoriously scathing look as she unwrapped her ice-cream sandwich, biting into it with gusto. A wad of filling oozed out the side, plopping onto their picnic blanket. She glanced at the splotch before shrugging with indifference. Oh well, what was the use?
He tickled AJ again, eliciting another round of shrieks and giggles. "Besides, it's fun to get a little dirty now and then, don't you think?". The comment was innocent given their setting, but not so innocent regarding the feelings that simmered beneath the surface. Had an onlooker overheard, nothing would have been considered out of the ordinary. But then again, nothing ever was ordinary between these two. Two lawyers, who were normally so gifted when it came to using words for their clients, just couldn't seem to get it right when it came to vocalizing their feelings for each other.
Mac nearly choked on her sandwich. She could have sworn the temperature had suddenly increased at least ten degrees. The way he was looking at her nearly took her breath away; the intensity of his gaze bored straight through her very soul. A gust of wind suddenly came thru, blowing several strands of her hair to stick against a spot of chocolate left unbeknownst on her lips.
As of its own accord, his hand reached out to free the captive strands, his fingers lingering longer than what was probably necessary. The moment his hand touched her lips, a jolt of electricity shot through him, setting him ablaze in an all-consuming inferno. He knew she felt it too, if the expression on her face was any indicator.
For Mac, his touch sent a rush of sublime warmth throughout every vein, nook, and cranny in her body. She watched him with her wide, full eyes, unable to tear herself away from his heated gaze. Her mind scuttled back to the day she had returned from burying her father.
She had sat in the Admiral's office as she talked to Harm about the unexpected events that unfolded. The arrangement of flowers he'd sent to the funeral home were beautiful. She had thanked him for this and it was then that his expression seemed to change imperceptibly, yet noticeable all the same. The room seemed to get darker, the outside world pulled away like the retreating warmth from a winter sunset. Then, he had looked at her the same way he was looking at her now, as though he was seeing her in a way he had not seen before. She could swear there was something else hiding in his gaze.
Was it love?
Was it an indication he wanted more than friendship?
She searched his eyes for an answer to her unvoiced questions, but was unable to fully discern what he was thinking; what he was feeling.
'Hold up Mackenzie! Quit imagining things. You're just 'the girl next door' in his eyes. Nothing more!'
That old stubborn part that refused to allow her to believe that she had any right to even the smallest slice of happiness. She was just his partner. Friend.
Yep, Just good ol' Mac.
Just one of people he knew he could count on to be there for him when everyone else had left. The one he could count on to protect his heart and secrets at all costs, even if it meant protecting him from herself.
'You know better than that! Stop sulking and tell the man how you feel!'
AJ looked between the two with a confused look on his tiny face, thoroughly displeased he no longer held his godfather's attention. Frowning, he reached over Harm's outstretched legs, pulling up a fistful of dandelions and grass to sprinkle on his shorts.
The motion shook Harm from the intensity of the moment. He swallowed hard, wrenching his eyes from hers and turning back to his godson. Thankful for the interruption, he regained control of his run-away emotions. "Ohhh, this means war buddy". He picked the stems from where they lay scattered on his shorts, playfully shoving them down the front of the boy's collar.
AJ giggled, his face scrunching as the grass tickled his skin. "Unca 'arm! Tickuws!"
She felt the rush of blood flood her cheeks, cursing fate for its ill-timing while simultaneously thanking her godson for the interruption. She was not sure how much longer she would have handled his gaze, much less his touch. Her senses had jumped into hyper drive, leaving a burning trail of desire and god only knew what else in its wake. She breathed a sigh of relief while she nervously looked around for something to occupy her thoughts…. anything besides the man that made her entire body go haywire at just the slightest touch. She wanted to tell him how she felt!
Oh how she wanted to!
But the voice of reason won out, sending her scrambling back to her safe place and away from the risk that was too great to take.
Unbeknownst to her, the man sitting beside her was attempting to do the same. And both were failing miserably. It was in that moment Harm knew he could no longer deny the feelings that ran far deeper than friendship. In the courtroom, his words flowed as smooth and rich as melted caramel. But when it came to the woman sitting just a hair's breadth away, the words stuck like molasses in sub-zero temperatures. And he was clueless as to what to do about it…
:: END FLASHBACK::
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With the memory of her lips against his fingertips, Harm made a decision. He snatched the receiver from its cradle, deciding the expense of making a sea-to-land phone call against protocol was worth the XO's verbal reprimand. He dialed the familiar number by heart, his fingers skating nimbly over the buttons. His heart began racing as he said a silent prayer that the intended recipient would answer. He so desperately needed to hear her voice, if nothing more than to settle his nerves. Nervously, he bounced the eraser end of his pencil against the desk, the tat-tat-tat sound seeming to echo loudly in the small expanse of room. Several agonizing rings later, the warm voice belonging to his partner came across the crackly line.
'You've reached Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie. I'm sorry I missed your call, but leave your contact info and a brief message. I'll return your call as soon as possible'.
A wave of disappointment and alarm washed over him.
'She's probably in an area with no reception. Or she's busy. No need to panic'.
Harm swallowing the nervous lump as he waited for the message tone.
"Hey Mac, it's uh...it's me…your partner, Harm".
'Smooth Rabb, real smooth. For Christ's sake, she knows who you are!'.
"Look, uh….I just wanted to check in. I know I left you in a mess with all those cases. I'm real sorry about that. Um…the Admiral says you're away on an assignment, but he didn't say-".
A knock at his bulkhead door broke his concentration. Aware that he was quickly running up one very expensive phone charge, he hurried to finish his message. "I hope everything's alright. I'll call you again later, okay? Bye."
He ran a frustrated hand through his hair as he returned the receiver.
"Enter!" he shouted distractedly towards the door, wholly unconcerned with whoever was on the other side.
Sturgis poked his head around the corner, a hesitant look on his face. Upon seeing Harm's downtrodden demeanor, he quickly stepped inside and shut the door behind him.
"You talk to her?"
Harm shook his head, idly twisting the pen between his fingers as he leaned back in his chair. "No. Got her voice mail instead".
Sturgis pursed his lips in thought and propped his tall frame against the bulkhead door. "I take it the Admiral hasn't told you anything else". It was more of a statement, really, than a question.
"Yep. That would be correct". He threw his pen at the desktop organizer with the intention of it landing in its rightful slot. His aim was off, though, and the instrument hit the edge of the desk instead. Sturgis' quick reflex plucked the pen from its descent before it could hit the floor.
Harm was surprised. "Man, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were moonlighting as a pilot. Those are some sharp reflexes you've got".
Sturgis grinned, successfully tossing it into the organizer. "I'll attribute that to my baseball days at the Academy. Nothing beats a sidewinder straight down the mound with bases loaded and score tied". He folded his arms over his chest. "Look Harm, I'm sure everything is okay. I'd bet good money she is just as busy as we've been".
Harm was silent, his eyes settling on the woman in the framed photo. He had never felt so close to, and yet, so far away from her.
Sturgis followed his gaze to the framed picture. "Hmmm…..sure is strange for a bachelor like you to keep a framed photo of his partner with him while TDY".
"Sturrrrgis!" Harm groaned, biting the inside of his cheek. "For the last time, we're-"
"Just friends. Yeah, yeah, I got that poorly written memo a hundred times. But tell me this, 'Mr. Run-From-His-Feelings'," Sturgis gave him a dubious look, "what man keeps a picture of his work partner, a framed picture at that, in his seabag, if they really are "just friends".
"She's holding our godson, Sturgis. We were picking him up at the park. Harriet took it!" He gestured wildly to the picture as if this would make his rationale more believable.
"Ohh, and Harriet has never given you a single picture of little AJ by himself? Nice try, Harm, but you really need to come up with a better argument than that. Better yet, here's a novel idea, how about you just admit that you're in love with her and tell her so".
Harm stood up so fast his chair nearly toppled over. If Sturgis hadn't already had his back against the bulkhead, he would've been forced to take a step backwards at the sudden movement. "What part of: 'She doesn't love me like I love her'... Do You Not Understand?!"
The words came out before he even realized it. The room was suddenly quiet, save for the quiet ticking of the clock above their heads. Sturgis never took his eyes off his friend as he verbally leveled with him.
"I may not understand a lot of things in this life, but what I do understand is if you don't take a leap of faith with what you want most in life, it will slip right through your fingers." Sturgis stared at the man whom he'd known for the better part of fifteen years. His heart broke at the desperation and fear so clearly etched in his eyes. "I know any woman who would travel halfway across the world to help a man search for his missing father…..and that same woman would use her gifts to find you in the middle of the ocean…. must either be insane, or deeply in love with SAID MAN. If THAT'S not love, well, I don't know what the fuck LOVE is."
Momentarily taken aback at his friend's uncharacteristic vulgarity, Harm opened his mouth to speak but found that his words failed him. Sturgis paused, his hand on the bulkhead door. "Don't let her slip away, Harm. She's worth all the risk in the world. And then some". And with that he exited, closing the door with a resounding bang.
Harm collapsed in his chair, his eyes focused on the smiling face of the woman who owned his heart. He finally let the tears come, but for what reason, he did not know. He only knew his heart ached from missing her. It took his breath away.
"I'm coming home Sarah, and when I do, you and me are going to have that talk".
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1230 CST
Cornerstone Café
Leavenworth, Kansas
Matt stole a glance at his niece as she gazed absentmindedly out the window. She sat there with the cup of coffee she was nursing but she hadn't even opened the menu. In the three days they'd been together, he hadn't seen her eat a single meal. She picked at her food or just snacked. This continued to disturb him. When pressed, she used the excuse of no appetite or claimed she'd already eaten. If he were a betting man, he was willing to bet good money she hadn't slept either if the dark circles around her eyes were any indicator.
He was at a loss as to what to do or who to turn to for help.
Matthew knew her like the back of his hand; Hell, he'd been the one to change her first diaper in the hospital when Deanna refused to accept that she had, in fact, given birth. But two people came to his mind: Admiral Chegwidden and Commander Rabb. He filed these names away for later discussion.
At that moment, a spunky, but clean-cut waitress bobbed over to their table to take their order. "Hello there! What can I get for you two this afternoon?"
"I'll have the soup of the day and a salad, please" he requested, closing the menu while the waitress jotted down his request.
She turned to Mac with a raised eyebrow, her hand poised over the notepad. "And for you, ma'am?"
The sudden question startled Mac out of her reverie and she nearly knocked over her cup of coffee. She gestured towards her beverage. "Oh, I'll just settle for this, thanks".
'No surprise here'.
Matthew gave her a pointed look. "Sarah, you didn't eat anything today. In fact, I haven't seen you eat a bite since you got here."
"Um, yeah, I'm not really all that hungry". She gave an unconvincing smile as she gathered up their menus to hand to the waitress.
"I'll be right back with your soup and salad, then. If you change your mind, just holler for me," the waitress cheerily replied, taking the menus from Mac before departing the table.
Matt bit back a sigh of frustration.
'File that under a list of things to lecture her about'.
Besides, he had other questions to ask.
"So Sarah….what's that handsome partner of yours been up to lately? You haven't mentioned him since you got here".
Taking a sip of her hot beverage, she twirled the stir stick in the murky liquid as a tinge of pink graced her cheeks at his description of Harm. She ignored the adjective. "I'm not sure if you saw the news the other day, but there was an incident aboard the USS Patrick Henry involving a dangerous hard landing with one of their aircraft. The pilot is under investigation for a DDO and damage to the aircraft."
Matthew nodded. "Yeah, I heard. I'm not surprised Harm was assigned that case, with him being a pilot and all. I know he's not active with a squadron anymore, but I bet that pilot is glad to have him on his side". He noted, with silence, the faint tinge of red that grace his niece's cheek.
'Oh yeah, there's definitely something there'.
Mac took a sip of her coffee. "I have no doubt the Admiral and SecNav are putting his feet to the fire to get this settled without a lot of media coverage."
The waitress came back at that moment to deliver Matthew's meal. He voiced his appreciation, grabbing a pack of crackers from the bread basket while nodding at Mac to continue.
"I'm not sure how long the investigation will take. We didn't get a chance to talk before he left for the Henry".
Lightbulbs clicked in Matt's head.
'Well, that explains a lot'.
"I take it he doesn't know about my situation?"
Mac shook her head. "No. The Admiral is the only one. I asked him not to tell Harm. I didn't want anything to take his attention away from the investigation. He can't afford to be distracted; this investigation is too important".
Emptying the last pack of crackers into his soup bowl, he reached across the table for her hand. "Sarah, you're important too. You must know our time together is quickly coming to an end. And you know you shouldn't go through this by yourself. You need to let your friends in…. Even if it's just a little".
Mac willed herself not to cry, her mouth trembling slightly as she fought to form the words. "I'll be okay, Uncle Matt. Everyone's got their own problems to be worried with mine. Besides, I'm a Marine, remember? We're tough".
He squeezed her hand affectionately, seeing the fear of losing him so clearly in her eyes. "I know that, baby duck. I also know that it's okay to show emotion. It's okay to ask for help. And it's ok-kay," he emphasized the last part, "to let people in your heart, Sarah. Not everyone who comes into your life…. is there to trample it. It is okay to need someone to love, Sarah".
She met his soft gaze with her own, albeit watery. "Uncle Matt, you know I love you more than anything, don't you? You are my entire world."
He brought his other hand above to sandwich hers and tightened his grip. A thick wad of emotion lodged deep in his throat. "I do know, baby duck. And you know you're the brightest star to have ever lit up my life, don't you?"
Mac could only nod in agreement. "Yeah". She kissed his hand, sniffling back the tears before the dam of her emotions could burst. She gestured towards the bowl in front of him. "Your soup's gonna get cold". Matt saw the clamping down of her emotions and knew the conversation was over for the time-being anyway.
"Ah yes, nothing worse than cold soup!"
The two fell into a comfortable silence as they both allowed themselves to get lost in their own thoughts.
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2200
Officer Quarters
USS Patrick Henry
Somewhere in the Atlantic
It was 2200.
He had read every newspaper article printed in the last four hundred years.
He had counted enough sheep that he felt quite certain he had counted all of the United Kingdom's sheep population.
And he had sung the '99 Bottles of Beer' song so many times he was fairly sure he had counted enough to fill six truckloads of the intoxicating beverage.
But yet there he lay, wide awake, his mind unable to turn off. Frustrated, he ripped the sheets off his body and pulled on his running gear. If there was one fail safe way of forcing his mind to power down, it was a couple of vigorous trips around the block. He wrenched the door open, intent on getting out of there as quickly as possible, only to be met with Sturgis blocking the doorway. He shot him an annoyed look. "Sturgis, now's not-"
He cut him off, holding up his hands in defense. "Look man, I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. Well, part of it anyway".
Harm gave him a doubtful look.
Sturgis glanced over his shoulder. "This isn't exactly where I want to have this conversation."
With a sigh, Harm stepped aside and allowed him in. Sturgis took in his disheveled appearance, noting the look of exhaustion and frustration.
"Can't sleep, I take it?"
He shot him an annoyed look. "Ya think?"
"Look man, I shouldn't have said what I said…maybe not the way I said it". Sturgis took a seat in his chair. "At least hear me out".
Harm sat on the edge of the bunk and gestured at the floor beneath him. "Floor's yours".
"Harm...I've known you for well over ten years. I've seen you hurt and nurse your wounds from a breakup. I know what Diane's death did to you."
Harm's head shot up at this and he gave Sturgis a warning look.
He refused to back down. "But I've never seen you like this. So afraid of admitting how you feel that it's going to end up costing you the very woman you are afraid to express your feelings for. You think Mac doesn't love you? You feel like she would toss your feelings to the side like yesterday's sale paper?"
Harm remained silent, unwilling to acknowledge Sturgis' points.
"Newsflash Harm, she loves you too. And she's scared to say it. So, one of you has to make the first move". He grabbed the picture on his desk and pointed at her figure. "The question is, who's it gonna be?"
Harm sat with his head in his hands. The thought of opening his heart up and making it vulnerable to the very woman who took his breath away…..terrified him yet exhilarated him all in the same breath.
"You know, Harm, you don't think twice about getting in the air, doing what you gotta do to accomplish the mission. It's second nature to you. You know there are risks involved, but you don't let it stop you, even after all the close calls and punch-outs you've had. So, why is telling Mac how you feel about her so different? I don't get it, Harm," he implored for an explanation, "I really don't".
Harm was quiet for a moment, studying the laces on his sneakers. Sturgis waited patiently, giving him time to digest his words. "Because….Sturgis….I know if I get in trouble, I can punch out. I have a chance to save myself. And if I can't….well then, that's it. It's game over". His voice quivered slightly, "If I tell Mac how I feel, and she doesn't feel the same, I don't have the option to punch out. I….I lose everything….but I'm still alive. I have- I have to live with the knowledge she doesn't want me that way".
Sturgis gently touched his knee, causing Harm to look up at him. "I'll repeat what I said earlier: Any woman that would follow a man halfway around the world to help him find his father, and any woman that can use her gift to find that same man in the middle of an ocean, must be deeply in love with him. There's no other explanation for it, Harm. Take the risk and TELL her. Before it's too late." He stood, then held out a hand. "Now let's blow off some restless energy. As my father would say: You're as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs".
Harm managed a quiet laugh, allowing Sturgis to pull him to his feet. "Thanks Sturgis….for everything. I owe you a million."
"Yeah ya do, but you can repay me by going after that gorgeous girl of yours," he winked at him, thumping him on the back as they exited into the hallway.
"Don't let Mac hear you call her that. She'd wipe the court with you," Harm warned, following Sturgis out into the corridor.
"Nah, she'll be too busy kissing you senseless and saying what an idiot you are for taking so long!"
At the thought of Sarah's lips on his, a nervous grin crept across Harm's as tiny butterflies took flight in the pit of his stomach. He was grateful Sturgis was in front of him and unable to see his reaction.
Or so he thought.
"Wipe that smug grin off your face!" Sturgis laughed as they rounded another corridor.
Harm groaned in mock frustration. "I hate you, just for the record".
"Whatever it takes to get your thick aviator head out of your lawyer ass!"
The two lawyers laughed exited the door leading to the flight deck.
'Two more days, Rabb'
Harm said under his breath.
'Two more days, Rabb,'
Sturgis thought to himself
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2100
Memories Bed and Breakfast
Fredonia, Kansas
Mac channel surfed with the tv on mute, her mind unable to focus on the images flipping quickly on the screen. It was late in the night, which meant programming was about to turn into a bunch of relentless infomercials and paid programming. She glanced over at her uncle's sleeping form, the late lunch and game of cards they'd played having worn him out. His physician had warned her of his increasing fatigue, and it would only grow worse as the cancer spread to his lymph nodes. Mac felt the sting of tears in her eyes and she quietly berated herself.
'Shame on you, Mackenzie. He's the one going through hell and you're over here feeling sorry for yourself'
She wiped away the tears with a frustrated hand.
Her thoughts drifted to another man who occupied as much head space as the one lying next to her.
'God what I wouldn't give for one of Harm's hugs right now' she thought, absentmindedly wrapping her arms around herself as she half-heartedly watched the muted episode of 'Matlock' on TV.
Mac knew the Admiral was waiting on her to inform Harm of Matthew's condition. He had remained true to his word, though, leaving the timing of that discussion somewhat up to her. She had seen the missed call from him on her cellphone. The notification made her heart quicken with anticipation; she almost hit the return-call button….but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Part of her was afraid she would start crying over the phone, and that was something she definitely didn't want.
The other part pointed out that Harm had a tremendous amount at stake with the investigation. Regardless of what Matthew had said earlier that afternoon, there were far more critical issues to resolve. Besides, there was nothing he could do to change what was happening. She hoped the Admiral would keep his word until Harm returned home. With a huff of disgust, she pressed the 'off' button on the remote. She snuggled up behind her uncle like she used to do when they spent nights camping out under the big sky of Red Rock Mesa. He had always been so strong, invincible to her, and she felt all those years ago that nothing could hurt her so long as he was around. She bit back a sudden sob when she realized that moments like this were quickly dwindling. She draped her arm over his torso, giving him a firm hug before finally giving herself over to restless sleep.
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::: END CHAPTER SIX::
