WHY AM I NOT SLEEPING

CH 7: In which Varric attempts to teach me how to play Wicked Grace

"It's easy to learn, Princess." Varric sat with me at my regular spot in the tavern, his feet propped up on the table as he shuffled his deck of cards. His back was to the bar, so he didn't see the death glare Cabot was shooting him. "But it's hard to master."

"Varric, I barely know what I'm doing at any given moment of my life. Especially lately." I scratched idly at the table with my index finger and sighed. "But I'm usually not a complete failure at card games, so go ahead and teach me."

His feet were off the table with the grace of a two-legged cat and he sat forward as he eagerly dealt out five cards to us both. "Excellent!"

He proceeded to explain the rules: each player gets five cards. You pick up and discard each turn, all the while trying to get the best hand you could before the angel of death card was drawn. There were five suits - serpents, daggers, songs, knights and angels, ranked respectively. The hands worked a lot like a normal poker hand, so that was easy enough to wrap my head around.

"I think I got it." I gave him a nod while sorting my hand. "Let's play through the first hand slowly as a tutorial of sorts, and then go for realsies." I had two knights, two serpents and a dagger. Not good, but not horrible. "So how do you bet on this when you play with a larger group?"

"Opening bet, then a chance to raise after everyone draws." He pulled a card from the deck, took a moment to look at his hand, and set one down. "That happens until someone pulls the angel of death."

"That...could go on for a while." I drew a card. Another serpent. I tucked it in with the others and discarded the dagger. Full house wasn't too bad.

"Nah." He drew a card. "If you have enough people, you usually only get through two or three betting rounds before someone draws it." He threw a card down. "And there's no point betting if you don't have a large enough group." He grinned at me over his cards.

"So the smaller groups are just for stripping, not making money. Gotcha." Pulled another dagger. Damn.

"That depends more on who's playing." He gave me a wink as he pulled a card. I rolled my eyes so hard I almost pulled a muscle. "Speaking of which, a couple of the guys are planning on having a game tonight..."

I just let him trail off awkwardly as I drew a card. An angel. So useless. I put it on the discard pile and pretended he hadn't said anything.

"I'll take that as a no." He grumbled under his breath as he drew his card. "Ah, and there's the angel of death." We both put our hands down on the table. He looked over at mine and whistled approvingly. "Full house. Not bad, Princess, but not good enough." He motioned to his hand. Four songs and a knight. He gathered the cards up with a grin and began shuffling. "So, since I won, I get to decide what you owe me, right?"

I scowled. "You bet before a hand, not after. You turd."

"Hmm...what do I want..." He tapped his chin thoughtfully, completely ignoring me. "What do I waaaaaant..."

"A double cheese burger? A nug foot charm? Three stab wounds? A lead pipe, in the library, with Colonel Mustard?"

He gave me a confused glance before waving at me to shut up. "How am I supposed to think with all that blathering?"

"Well, now you finally know how the rest of us feel."

He let out a snort. "Heh, good one. Oh! I got it!" He placed his hands on the table and gave me a wolfish grin. "I want you to go to Curly right now and tell him how you feel."

I shrugged. "That's it? Fine. Let's go." I stood up and made my way to the door. He followed behind, sputtering.

"What, just like that?" He managed to keep up with my long, fast, hard steps.

Heh heh heh. Heh heh. Heh. Double entendre.

"I really don't see what the fuss is here, Varric." We stopped in front of the door to Cullen's office, and I gave it a couple of knocks before I opened it enough to stick my head in. Cullen was at his desk, finishing up with his daily reports. "Knock knock ding dong bing bong. Have a minute?"

Cullen seemed nonplussed, but nodded. "Is something the matter?"

I opened the door all the way and both Varric and I walked over to his desk. "Nah. I lost a hand of Wicked Grace to Varric, and he decided afterward that that meant I owed him something, and apparently that 'something' was to tell you how I feel, so..." I put my hands on his desk, and took a deep, steadying breath with my head down and eyes closed. I looked up, directly into Cullen's honey brown eyes. Mmmm. Honey. "I'm fucking hungry."

"That's not what I meant!" Varric cried out angrily, punching my arm.

"Ow!" I held my arm and pouted. "I'm noodley and easily bruised, Varric! Besides, you don't get to bet AFTER the hand! And also, I'm seriously hungry. Like, we're moving into hangry territory here, and nobody wants that." My expression turned somber. "Nobody."

Varric pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in frustration. He stood there for a moment before he flipped me the bird and walked out of the room.

"That was hurtful, Varric!" I called out after him. "That hurt." I turned back to Cullen. "I wasn't joking about the hunger thing. You want something?"

He seemed really interested in his paperwork. "Not right now."

I sauntered over to his desk and perched my ass on the corner beside him. "I promise it won't be stolen from the kitchen. A sandwich? Soup? Soup and a sandwich? A rack of lamb? Just a rack?"

He glanced at me quickly, the corners of his lips turning down ever so slightly. "Another time, maybe. I need to finish reading these reports."

I frowned. Damnit, Varric! Always making me look like the asshole. Nevermind the fact that I usually was an asshole. I sighed quietly as I reached out and gently took the report out of his hands. "You've been working non-stop all day. The report will still be there tomorrow morning." I set it down on his desk and looked him in the eyes. "I like you. Come with me and get something to eat. Please?"

He glanced back at the report. "I'm not sure I should-"

I put my hand on his and smiled. "Come on! Come onnnnnnn!" I got to my feet and tugged at his arm. "Come get some food! Cookies? Steak? Steak-wrapped cookies? Did I mention that I like you? Cake? Noodles? I'm sure there's noodles around here somewhere."

He relented and stood up with a heavy sigh. "I suppose there's no harm in leaving it until tomorrow. I could get up early tomorrow and-"

"Shusshhhh shush shush." I gently covered his face with my hand. "Shussshhhhh. No more talk of work. It's food time." I dragged him out of his office and we chatted about our days as we walked to the kitchen. He told me about the soldier that couldn't get his sword out of his scabbard. I snickered for many reasons. I told him about how I had startled a noble and made him spit his wine out so forcefully it came out of his mask's eye holes, and the ensuing lecture from Josephine about proper conduct.

Then we ate sandwiches and apple pie, but not at the exact same time because an apple pie and roast beef sandwich sounds disgusting. Varric came by and tried to wheedle us into playing Wicked Grace, until I threatened him with a butter knife. He backed off and told us, with an over-exaggerated wink, to enjoy our night. "WE GET IT, VARRIC!" I bellowed after him, shaking my fist in his general direction. I gave Cullen a sheepish smile. "Sorry."

A delicate flutter filled my stomach as my eyes met his. His stare was intense. Hot. With stunning swiftness, considering all the armour he was still wearing, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine. I was startled, but quickly reciprocated. We kissed almost desperately, hands roaming over each others' bodies, a desperate need-

PSSSSHHHHHHH HA HA HA JUST KIDDING HAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA

We played a game of chess (he won), I had another piece of pie (it was damn good pie!) and then I had to go lay down before I threw up all over the place.

Winner winner roast beef dinner.