INT. Choir Room - Jake about to have a gas-induced daydream.
"Oh, you wanna see epic?" Jake asked.
"Um, yeah, I think we do!" Tina shouted. "If I'm apparently so useless at dancing?"
Jake merely sat there, getting drowsy from the gas leak. His head dropped down.
"Ugh, look at him, just snoozing away in the middle of Glee rehearsal," Marley spat. "Mr. Schue, if it's okay, I'd like to start us off."
"Go ahead, Marley," Will said, beckoning for everyone to take a seat.
The band began playing, and Marley began singing, occasionally looking over at the sleeping Jake, who never awoke throughout the performance.
Song: "I Knew You Were Trouble"
Once upon a time a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me
And he's long gone when he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me
'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
No apologies. He'll never see you cry,
Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why.
You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning.
Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see
He was long gone when he met me
And I realize the joke is on me, yeah!
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her, or anyone, or anything, yeah
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
'Til you put me down, oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in (you were right there, you were right there)
So shame on me now
Flew me to places I'd never been
Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
Marley looked at the still-sleeping Jake as the class applauded.
"Great attempt at a vocal lash-out, girl, but it didn't work," Kitty sighed, leaving the room with Artie.
"'Sup, Janitor Figgins?" Artie asked as he wheeled out of the room.
"Ugh, Jake and his snide nasty comments," Unique spat.
"Yeah, who does he think he is, with those bad boy attitudes?" Tina argued.
INT. DETENTION ROOM
Blaine and Becky hadn't arrived to detention yet, so Jake pulled out his phone and called his brother.
"Hello?" Puck answered. "Listen, Jake, I can't talk for long. I'm about to meet with a rep for the Air Force recruitment."
"I think I might have gotten a girl pregnant," Jake confessed.
Puck dropped the phone. "I knew it. We Puckerman boys are cursed. Dude! What's Marley's mom going to think?"
"It's not Marley," Jake said, blushing furiously.
"You mean you cheated? Okay, yup, we are cursed," Puck sighed.
"No, it's just this cheerleader, and—"
"Yup, cursed again," Puck swore.
"Listen!" Jake exclaimed. "I don't know what I'm going to do! I'm only sixteen! I can't be a father!"
"Well, dude, coming from personal experience, you're just going to have to own up to your mistake. You're gonna have to get a job, you're gonna have to go to the doctor with her and pay for her visits, and when that baby is born, you've got to get that girl through it all, and if she decides to put the baby up for adoption, well, it'll feel painful. I think I wanted Beth even more than Quinn ever did, so…"
"Okay, dude, I have to go, detention's starting—"
"I don't care what you say, the Puckerman blood line is cursed. I feel sorry for Beth and your baby. Let me know how it goes. I'm praying for you, bro."
INT. GIRLS' BATHROOM
Bree crammed herself into the bathroom stall, trying to take an early pregnancy test.
Song: "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato
Puttin' my defences up
'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack
{Bree gets out of the bathroom stall and walks through the hallway to Cheerios practice.}
Never put my love out on the line
Never said "Yes" to the right guy
Never had trouble getting what I want
But when it comes to you, I'm never good enough
When I don't care
I can play 'em like a Ken doll
Won't wash my hair
Then make 'em bounce like a basketball
But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear high heels
Yes, you make me so nervous
And I just can't hold your hand
{Bree and Kitty are now on the football field doing a cheerleading routine. Coach Roz and Becky analyze the performance.}
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm...
Puttin' my defences up
'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack [3x]
Never break a sweat for the other guys
When you come around, I get paralyzed
And every time I try to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help
It's just not fair
Pain's more trouble than love is worth
I gasp for air
It feels so good, but you know it hurts
But you make me wanna act like a girl
Paint my nails and wear perfume
For you make me so nervous
And I just can't hold your hand
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm...
Puttin' my defences up
'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack [3x]
{Bree is back in the bathroom stall, fearfully waiting for the test result.}
The feelings are lost in my lungs
They're burning, I'd rather be numb
Yeah, there's no one else to blame (no one else)
So scared I take off in a run
I'm flying too close to the sun
And I burst into flames
{Back to the Cheerios}
You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm...
Puttin' my defences up
'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack [5x]
Finally, the test result came.
"Negative?" Bree asked, looking down and gasping. "Damnit! The crimson tide has come again…" Bree peaked her head out of the bathroom stall. "Hey, do you have a pad or tampon?"
Sugar, putting on eye shadow in the mirror, awkwardly looked back. "Um, yeah, I do," she said, handing Bree a pad. "Is that a pregnancy test?"
Bree scowled and hid the test. "You will tell no one of this, do you understand me?"
"Chillax, I won't tell anyone," Sugar said, putting lipstick on. Bree exited the bathroom as Sue walked in in her feminine attire.
"Wow, Principal Sue, I could hardly recognize you!" Sugar exclaimed. "Work it, girl! Hi, Unique," she greeted when Unique walked in. She began to comb Sue's hair and brush wrinkles out of Sue's top.
"Alright, Principal Sue. Becky has just informed me that the school board is waiting for you in the office. Go out there and get that superintendent, gurl!" Unique exclaimed as Sue exited the bathroom.
Momentarily, she was leading the school board through the halls.
"Alright, I think I shall take you all to see some of our classrooms in action," Sue said, leading the group into Will's history classroom.
"Good morning, William!" Sue said brightly. "I just thought I'd give the school board a tour of your classroom!"
"Sure, Sue!" Will said, eagerly beginning to impress the board. "Now, as I was saying, class. William McKinley led America to victory in the Spanish-American war. Upon his assassination, Theodore Roosevelt became the twenty-sixth president of the U.S. It should also be noted that—"
"William Schuester here is actually a 1993 alumnus of this school," Sue said. "He's a bright fellow who eventually began to teach here shortly after graduating college. He's served as our Spanish teacher for years, until he took up the post of History teacher this year. McKinley would never employ a sub-par Spanish speaker to teach our students Spanish, no; that job has gone to fluently-speaking man-candy David Martinez."
"Good morning, sweetie!" the board member woman said to Marley, who was taking notes in the front row. "How would you describe the social studies department here at this school?"
"Oh, um…" Marley hesitated. "You know, it's wonderful! I've been learning a lot from Mr. Schue this year, in and out of class, so I would say that learning history is a lot more appealing than at my old school!"
"Impressive," the woman said, following Sue out of the room.
"We are now approaching the counseling office," Sue said, leading the group into Emma's office. "This is Emma Pillsbury Schuester, who just last year earned a tenure position on the McKinley faculty."
"Excuse me, I was in the middle of counseling!" Emma protested, gesturing towards Tina, who had a stack of scholarship envelopes on the desk.
"Emma here is renowned for her ingenious pamphlets," Sue said, offering samples to the board members.
"'Performance Anxiety… It's not just for Teenage Boys,' 'How to Give Yourself Stitches', 'So You Were a Jerk to Your Fiance,' 'Please Don't Hog My Fiance's Nog', 'So You're Dating a Two-Timin' Ho?'" the male board member asked.
"Um, nope, wrong samples!" Emma exclaimed, blushing furiously, standing up to snatch the pamphlets away.
"Oh, these ones are wonderful! 'I Can't Stop Touching Myself,' 'Radon: The Silent Killer,' 'My Mom's Bipolar and She Won't Stop YELLING.' These are real teenage issues!" the woman complimented.
"Yes, and Mrs. Schuester here has definitely had quite the track record. Why, in the last year alone we have sent students to top college programs at Yale, the University of Louisville, we even have one girl about to star in a Broadway musical all the while studying at the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts—"
"I helped her get in!" Tina boasted.
"Indeed," Sue said, cutting Tina off.
"So, honey, would you say that the counseling services at this school are adequate?" the woman asked.
"Oh, yes, of course!" Tina exclaimed. "Mrs. Schuester here has definitely been getting me set for graduation and my post-high-school endeavors. I feel so prepared to go to college already!"
"Excellent," Sue said. "Well, I suppose we should go and check out the athletics department?"
"Ah, you know I'd love to see that!" Bob exclaimed.
Sue led them over to the locker rooms, where Shannon was doing an informational meeting for boys interested in trying out for next year's varsity football team.
"Practices will start before you all even get back to school," Shannon said to the mass of players. Ryder was seated at the front, looking excited. "This is a long-term commitment, boys. If you get chosen for this team, there is no turning back. I expect you all to give your 100% when we're out on that field, no excuses."
"This is Ms. Shannon Beiste, the fearless woman who took over our football team in Fall 2010 and led the McKinley High Titans to a district championship," Sue said.
"How's it going, sonny?" Bob asked Ryder. "How's Coach Beiste's style been this year?"
"She's amazing," Ryder said. "She really gets us players. She doesn't just boss us around, she inspires us to do better, so that really helps with slow learners like me. I can't wait to get started for next year!"
"Glad to hear it," Bob said, patting Ryder on the back. "Alright, Sue. What's next?"
"Let's head on over to the swimming pool!" Sue exclaimed, beckoning them out the door.
Roz was busy coaching the swimming team at the pool.
"COME ON, MY LIL' GUPPIES, LET'S MOVE!" Roz shrieked. "USE THEM ARMS! USE THEM LEGS! BREATHE ON TIME!"
"Hey, Coach Roz?" Sam asked. "I was wondering if you could write me a letter of recommendation for this scholarship I'm applying for. It highlights my financial need but they want extra-curriculars, and I think they'd really like my versatility of football, student government, Glee Club, and synchronized swimming."
"Child, I'd be happy to!" Roz exclaimed, snatching Sam's file out of his hands, upon the sight of Sue and the board members walking over. She had to make a good impression! Roz began talking obnoxiously loud so that the board members overheard. "You see, Sam, lots of seniors are afraid to come up to teachers and coaches to ask for letters because they think we're too busy, but that's far from the case! As educators, we need to set our young ones up for the real world, now I'll be happy to write this letter about you overcoming adversity! It can't have been easy to participate as a hot blonde straight male on the synchronized swimming team, but you overcame that status quo as well as your disproportionate nipples and your bout of lovesickness and succeeded in the end, even getting the Glee Club in for a watery proposal between Mr. Schuester and his bride-to-be, who are now happily married!"
"Well, I'm already liking this one, Principal Sylvester," the male board member complimented. "So, young man, how would you describe the swimming program at this school?"
"It's great!" Sam exclaimed. " I never thought I'd be a swimmer, and Coach Roz is just stellar."
"Yes, you know she is an Olympic bronze medalist-"
Roz began to blush. Will knew her secret about that medal.
"And she and I helped get one of our faculty members out of an abusive relationship," Sue said.
"Amazing," the woman sighed.
"Yes, and Coach Roz here has been doing a fine job of doing double-duty and coaching the Cheerios in my absence," Sue explained. "Now, let's head on over to the cafeteria!"
The lunch rush was insane, but Millie was undeterred, serving the students healthy servings of oriental chicken.
"Millie Rose was just hired this school year for our cafeteria staff, and she has certainly not disappointed," Sue said. "You know, for someone her size, she'll do anything to ensure the students at McKinley don't end up looking like her. You'll notice that her daughter, Marley, the girl you interviewed in the history class, is one of the thinnest girls in school!"
Millie gave Joe Hart a good sized chunk of chicken. "Thanks, Ms. Rose!" he exclaimed.
"Excuse me," Bob said, going over to Joe. "How's the food here?"
"Oh, it's fantastic!" Joe remarked. "They give us so much variety here."
"Indeed, and as I'm sure you heard, I banned tater tots in 2010, but Ms. Rose here has a fantastic recipe that has reduced fat and sodium and is a healthier option for our hungry children," Sue said.
"Alright, Sue, I think we should have a look at the arts curriculum," Bob suggested.
INT. CHOIR ROOM
After the inspection was over, Tina stood up and faced the choir room.
"Okay, guys. Something is awfully funky with Blaine," she stated.
"Of course. He thinks he can just shove the rest of us out of the spotlight for his own personal benefit," Kitty said.
"Yeah, he's sung lead on at least one song at basically every competition he's been to, on both the Warblers and New Directions," Artie criticized.
"Well, I'm sure Mr. Schue is going to want to highlight a soloist, a duet, and a group number, two of which will be featuring all nine of us and whoever the heck decides to join at the last minute," Tina said. "And though I personally would do anything to be able to vie for that outstanding soloist MVP award, I think we all have to admit that Blaine is the one that has the best chance of winning."
"I agree," Unique said. "If someone is going to inherit my National MVP status, I think it would be Blaine, but we can't let him oppress the rest of us. We're a small team. There's no reason why we all shouldn't get to sing at least once, like we all did at Regionals."
"Except for Sugar," Ryder sighed.
"I told you we should have let her sing lead on the spoken parts of 'Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend,' then maybe she wouldn't have left," Kitty muttered to Marley and Unique.
"Anyway, are we at a consensus? Per Mr. Schue's approval, we will let Blaine sing lead on one song as he sees fit, right?" Tina asked.
"I think that's a plan," Sam said. "Even if he does get his own song, the rest of us can distribute ourselves among the other two."
"And I think it's only fair that the other three seniors get good hefty parts as well," Marley said. "It is their last chance after all."
"Except, unlike Blaine, the other three have rarely had the chance to shine at competitions. Blaine has, so let's ensure that we're doing everything we can to maximize all of the seniors' times in Glee Club."
"Couldn't agree more," Artie and Sam said together.
"Great, then I'll go tell Blaine forthwith!" Tina exclaimed, walking out of the room to go find Blaine at the auditorium.