Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
One More Try: Chapter Seven
ARIZONA'S POV
Damn it. Something isn't right. Eliza isn't making any sense and she won't answer my calls. I feel like I should be there with her but I have to get the kids from daycare. I've got a bad feeling that something isn't right with my wife and I don't want the kids to see it. I don't want them in their home right now. If Eliza has fallen apart like I suspect she has, Dillon cannot see that. It would break her heart, mine too. I know we have both made mistakes and we have both hurt each other, but I had to keep that distance between us. I had to allow Eliza the time to herself to know that she truly wants me. I'm still on the fence about it all, but I needed time to think. I needed to work through stuff alone because right now, I don't even know if we can ever be happy again. I want to. I want happiness with Eliza more than anything but I feel so out of my life that I'm not sure I'm thinking straight. I'm not sure of anything that has happened over the last two months and it's killing me inside. Not being with my family. Not being happy and at home with the only people that matter to me is heartbreaking in itself. That doesn't mean that we should be together for the sake of it, though.
"Hey, Alex." My call connecting as I weave through the streets of Seattle, I'm trying to remain calm but I'm struggling. "Can you take her girls for a few hours?"
"You bet." I can hear the excitement in his voice. "What time?"
"I'm about to get them from daycare." I grip the wheel tight. "Can I bring them straight over?"
"Sure, is everything okay?"
"Honestly, I don't know." I sigh. "Eliza sent me a message before and I'm kinda worried. I just don't want the kids there with me, you know?"
"Of course." He agrees. "You sure you will be okay headed there alone?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine." I smile. I know he has my back and to be honest, I wouldn't leave my kids with anyone other than Alex. I trust him with my life. "I'll be there in the next twenty, okay?"
"No problem." The call ending, I take a left and make my way towards my kids. I need to see their faces right now but it will be a quick visit. Dillon loves being with Alex but I'm beginning to wish I was headed home with my girls and snuggling down for the night with my other girl. My Eliza. My wife. Words have been exchanged but I need to be with her right now. She's struggling. I could tell by her choice of words to me not so long ago. I haven't avoided her this past week because I didn't want to speak to her or because I didn't love her. Not at all. I just didn't know what to do. That may be a lame excuse, but it's true. I didn't know what to do about any of this. One minute I was sleeping on Alex's couch and visiting my kids because my wife hated me, and in the next breath…she was telling me she loves me. It just confused me more than I already was and I didn't know how to handle any of it.
I mean, she kissed me. I'd barely gotten two words from her in several weeks and then she was kissing me and telling me she was sorry. That played on my mind more than anything else she had said or done. It kept me awake at night and some days I've barely been functioning at work. I know things are far from okay, but I think it might actually be time for Eliza and I to talk this out. Whether it all ends and we go our separate ways, or we figure things out and fall into each other's arms…we have to talk. There are no two ways about it. The conversation I had with Becky last week has played on my mind, but I don't want to call Eliza out on it. If she is struggling, her knowing that I'm aware of it may just tip her over the edge. It may only cause her to decline further and I need her to be the one who initiates that conversation. For her own sake, rather than mine. I don't know all of the details but what Becky told me saddened me and I want to be there to help Eliza through this. If she wants that, she knows I'll be there for her. I'm her wife. Reaching daycare, I cut the engine and grab my cell from the console.
Eliza, I need you to speak to me.
Calling her number, it rings out like the last seven attempts I made to contact her. I hope she is just sleeping but I'm not feeling too confident about that right now. Something about her last message to me has unsettled me and I'm worried she has done something stupid. I'm worried she has hurt herself in some way. Please, don't ruin your beautiful body. My heart sinking at the thought of my wife injuring herself, I rush from my car and head straight for my kids. They'll give me a slight relief if only for five minutes but that five minutes could make all the difference to this situation. That five minutes could be the last time I'm truly happy. I don't know what is going on, but I don't like any of it. I don't like anything my marriage has become and the longer it goes on, the less confident I feel about ever resolving our issues.
Cutting the engine as I reach my old home, I climb from my car in a rush, only my cell phone keeping me company. Eliza still hasn't responded to any of my calls or messages and that sinking feeling I've been suffering from hasn't lessened any. I don't like it when she is feeling this way. Maybe I caused this by not giving her anything this week but it wasn't my intention. I was giving her space. Space she asked for when I left but she never really got. I was there all the time. Every minute of the day. I should have done as she asked and backed off for a little while whilst she figured herself out. I couldn't leave my kids, though. I'm sure she understands that but it doesn't make me feel any better about the situation.
Deciding that it's useless to even knock on the door, I use the key she gave me a few weeks ago when I was taking the kids one evening. Eliza was meeting with friends and I'd offered to spend extra time with them. She wouldn't have ever stopped me, but I figured I'd help her out of if I could. I'm kinda thankful for owning a spare key right now even if I should never have left. None of that matters in this moment. The only thing I care about is that Eliza is safe. She is safe and she is okay with me being here. Pushing the door open, the space I step into is completely silent. Okay, I don't like this. I don't like any of this. Rounding the corner, I find my wife curled up on the couch, a half-empty bottle of scotch sitting on the coffee table beside her cell phone. Approaching her, I can see her breathing is okay and I rest my hand on my chest. "Oh, thank god." Dropping down beside her, I'm about to wake her when I glance to my right and find our divorce papers sitting on the table, her signature clear to see. She signed them…
Sitting back on my knees, I don't know how to feel right now. I thought she wanted to make a go of this? I thought she wanted me back? How could she want me back if she has signed those damn papers I should never have given to her? I know I was hasty in my decision to contact my lawyer, but I didn't know what else to do. Eliza was so detached from me that I genuinely thought it was the only solution. It seems I've now tipped her over the edge and if it's not one thing causing us problems…it's another. It's a never-ending fucking theme with us. "Eliza…" I brush her hair from her face and the smell of scotch burns my eyes. "Eliza, wake up."
Nothing…
"Baby, please wake up." That word falling from my mouth effortlessly, I'm not even worried that I said it. I said it because I mean it. I said it because it's our thing. Nudging her a little, she begins to stir, her eyes red and swollen. "Hey, it's me…wake up."
"Why are you here?" She mumbles.
"Because I was worried about you." I brush my thumb across her cheek. "Are you okay?"
"No." Her bottom lip trembles. "No, nothing is okay."
"Talk to me, Eliza." Her eyes slowly open and all I'm seeing is complete heartbreak. "I really need you to talk to me."
"I can't." She turns on her back and her eyes fix on the ceiling above. "Arizona, I feel like I'm dying."
"Hey, come on." I shift a little closer to her. "Everything is going to be okay."
"Nothing will ever be okay." She scoffs. "How can it be when we are broken?"
"We will fix this." Her eyes find mine and I give her a small smile. "I'm sorry I didn't come by through the week."
"You did." She sighs. "To see the kids."
"But you wanted to talk and I didn't make that happen."
"Wait, where are the kids?" She sits up on her elbows. "You were supposed to get them from daycare."
"I did." I nod. "They're with Alex." Studying her face, I take the papers from the table and hold them up between us. "Is this really what you want, Eliza?"
"What I want is no longer important, Arizona." She shakes her head. "I've signed and you should go and be happy."
"We were happy." I shrug. "Things got messed up but I think if we talk, we could work this out. Providing that is what you want."
"I don't feel good." Her voice breaks.
"Well, you know scotch doesn't agree with you." I give her a knowing look. "How about I fix us some coffee?"
"No, in my self." She sits up. "I don't feel good inside, Arizona."
"I know…" I climb to my feet and take a seat beside my wife. "I know you don't but I need you to talk to me so I can help you through it."
"No, this isn't your problem." She rolls her head on her shoulders. "You don't need this."
"You're my wife, Eliza." I take her hand in my own. "If you had spoken to me sooner, none of this would have happened. You know I'm here for you. I always have been."
"It was just my own insecurities…" She tries to be nonchalant. "It didn't matter."
"It did and it still does." I sit back and run my thumb gently across the skin of her hand. "You didn't feel good about yourself…"
"No." She gives me a sad smile. "I still don't but it isn't so bad when you don't have to look good for someone else. When you don't have to try each day…"
"You always look good to me." I have to be honest with her. I know we aren't really on good terms but that doesn't mean I cant give her the truth. "You always have and you know I'll always feel that way."
"I was in so much pain…" She brushes a tear from her jawline. "I didn't want you to feel like I didn't want you, but I was in pain."
"I know."
"I got it into my head that you would just find someone else who could give you what you needed and when you came home that night and told me about Debra, I lost my mind." I feel like we are getting somewhere for the first time in forever. "I overreacted and I hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"You know that kiss meant nothing to me." My eyes are fixed firmly on Eliza's. "Don't you?"
"Yes." She nods slowly. "I still don't like that it happened but I know that it wasn't intentional. At least, not on your part."
"Thank you." I press a kiss to the back of her hand. "Thank you for giving me something to work with."
"It was never supposed to be like this." She cries. "Nevaeh was supposed to complete us but I feel like a failure. She hates me, Arizona. She hates me and I can't be the mom she needs. I can't be the wife you deserve…"
"Hey…" She drops her gaze but I curl my fingers under her chin. "You are an incredible mom and our kids love you."
"They don't." She gives me a sad smile. "I tried, though. I tried to be what you all needed…I just messed up."
"With me, yes." I agree. "You messed up with me but the girls?" I raise an eyebrow. "No, you didn't mess up with the girls. Not at all."
"I am sorry it ended this way." She squeezes my hand. "But I don't want us to be those parents who hate each other and refuse to do stuff together with our kids. We have to figure something out so they don't feel any of this."
"Figure something out?" I give Eliza a look of confusion.
"A plan." She sighs. "If you want the girls with you, I understand."
"W-With me?"
"At your place." She furrows her brow. "I think it would be best if they were in your care, Arizona. They deserve someone like you…not me."
"It's cold in here." I release Eliza's hand from my grip.
"Sorry, I didn't bother lighting the fire because I knew the kids wouldn't be here." She sighs. "The cold actually felt pretty good for a while." Dropping to my knees in front of the fireplace, I fix the wood a little better and strike a match. "Arizona, you don't need to be here. I'm sure you have better things to do." Taking her divorce papers from the table, I set them alight and throw them into the fire. "W-What are you doing?" She climbs from the couch and attempts to stop me.
"We aren't doing this." I shake my head as I climb to my feet. "Eliza, do you love me?"
"I'll always love you." She drops her gaze. "Bu-"
"But nothing." I cut her off. "You are in a bad place and as your wife…it's my job to help you through it."
"You handed me divorce papers, Arizona." Her shoulders slump as I take her hands in my own once again. "How do we ever forget about that?"
"What papers?" I furrow my brow. The first genuine smile I've seen from her in a long time curling on her mouth, I tug her away from the fire and guide her back to the couch. "Lie down."
"Why?" She takes a seat and pulls her legs up.
"Because I'm going to lie with you and we are going to work through all of this together." Removing my jacket, I slip my boots off and climb under the blanket beside her. "Look, I know things are up in the air and I don't expect to just go back to normal, but I need your words, okay?" Brushing tears from her tired face, her eyes close and my hand lingers. "I'm sorry that I didn't recognize your struggle…" I should have seen it. I should have been paying more attention to Eliza. I know having two kids kinda keeps you busy, but I should have made time to check in with her. See how she was doing. For that, I do feel bad. I'm not sure I deserve what I've been put through, but it is beginning to make sense…at least, a little.
"This isn't your fault." She replies, her voice barely above a whisper. "I should have talked to you. I should have trusted you to help me through this…"
"And now that I know…we will work through it together." Her eyes opening, I could cry just looking into them. I've missed so much about Eliza but it's time to fix us. It's time to fix the mess we have both contributed to and work from that. Build ourselves back up again. "I think maybe Alex will look after the kids tonight…"
"Why?" She furrows her brow.
"Because I want to spend the evening with you if that would be okay?" Searching her eyes, I'm not sure she wants me to stay over. "I mean, just for a few hours…"
"No, I'd like that." She agrees. "Do you think we will be okay?" I know she is questioning herself right now. She knows I never wanted to leave. She knows I never wanted to separate. She is asking if I believe she will be okay, I know that.
"We will be okay." My eyes close. "And so will you, Eliza." My arm drapes over her midsection. "You've got this…and I've got you."
"I love you…" The words fall freely from her mouth and it feels good to hear them.
"I love you, too." We have some talking to do, but right now...the quiet is perfect. Just...us.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.