7
Uncertainty
"How do you know if you are gay?"
That was the first thing Yao typed up in his search box. He was about to press the "Enter" key, but he quickly backspaced, reassuring himself—Come on, there's no way! He cracked his knuckles and repositioned his monitor. Alright, time to officially start. With a quick motion of his fingers, he put on his headphones, typed in the web codes for the online game, and began playing vigorously.
Yeah! I got the crystal. Okay, okay, there's no more time…shit! It's a boss! I can't kill him for some reason. He hurriedly punched several keys, but nothing worked; his character's power slowly reduced while the unfazed boss kept bombarding with attacks. "I can't do anything!" he yelled into his mike.
Swish! The blade of one of his team mates slashed violently at the boss. "I've got you, Yao!" Yao heard from the other side of the line. Within one quick minute, the boss's health bar disappeared, and its icon flickered and crumbled away with it.
"Yeah! Good one, good one!" Yao sighed in relief and slid back into his spinning chair. He sat there, soaking in the sound of whoops and raucous laughter in his headphones.
"Did you see that?"
"That was the hardest boss!"
"We finally made it—I, I c-c-can't believe it!"
"I'm so happy—I'm going to go tell my mom!"
"What a twelve-year-old."
"Shut up! Also, you should be addressing me as your older brother!"
"Come on, let's not make fun of each other," Yao said with a chuckle. "After all, Yong Soo may be young, but he helped out too." He readjusted his headphones and sprawled out on his seat. My online friends are the best, he thought. They don't make you feel…
He paused.
…Gay.
He shuddered at the thought of that word. Yet, he couldn't push Ivan and his scarf and his big nose out of his mind. Yao replayed Ivan's solemn yet sweet expression and his words—" I'm terrible at ballet. Absolutely terrible."—over and over in his head. He had even memorized the way that Ivan's deep purple eyes had faded in pure empathy. Everything about was so warm…and just…cuddly. And damn!—While in his ballet outfit, Ivan had just been so…um…physically appealing, to say. He felt the characteristic horrid tingling in his stomach, and this time, in his mind was the perfect image of Ivan's soft, delicate pinkish lips.
He was done. Just absolutely done.
"Hey guys, I'm going to be out for a bit." Without pausing to hear what his friends had to say, he punched at his keyboard once more.
"How do you know if you are gay?"
Yao browsed speedily through each of the results, trying to frantically to figure out who he really was. However, from the information he could derive from the sites, he could only conclude that he was somewhat slightly open about his orientation. But it was hard to trust this deduction; he'd never been any sort of relationship before, and most of the websites asked the reader to refer to those experiences. "Come on…"
Finally, he ran into a questionnaire: "How do you know if your gay?"
You're, Yao thought as he clicked the link. This better be worth my time. The first few questions were similar to the topics suggested by the previous websites:
"Have you ever been close with a man?" No.
"Have you ever been to a gay bar?" Um…no.
"Did you ever find it hard to show affection for your girlfriend or ex-girlfriend?" Never had one.
"What gender do you think about when you—" Well, whoa there! G-getting a little too nosy, aren't we? Don't feel like answering that one…
"Do you ever want to—" Nope.
This quiz is just junk. I can't answer half of these without cringing.
And then, he saw it.
Author's Note: I was about to call this chapter "gay," but my mature senses suddenly kicked in (I think they faded once I started actually writing the chapter though). (You can still consider that the alternative name for it, if you want to, you know what I mean?) Also, China actually enjoys playing online games in canon! And yeah,"older brother" is Korea.