Threadbare South Park: Episode #3
"Sisters Suck"

NOTE: This piece is written in the form of a script. It contains naughty language and some dumbass kid I made up. Mr. Garrison speaks for Mr. Hat. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. This story takes place when the kids are in the third grade.

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY 'THREADBARE'...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

We are at the Marsh house. In Shelly's room, Shelly is beating Stan over the head with a shoe.

Stan: Ah, Jesus! Shelly, stop it! Stop!

Shelly: You stay in your corner, turd! You made me do this!

Stan runs out of the room and into the kitchen. His parents are there, dressed up nicely.

Stan: Mom!

Sharon: Stanley, why aren't you dressed yet? We have to be at the courthouse in less than an hour.

Stan: Mom, Shelly's beating me up again! She won't let me in her room!

Sharon: Oh, Stanley. You know that if you didn't touch Shelly's things she wouldn't get so upset with you.

Stan: That's totally not true! Shelly's a bitch! When do I get my old room back?

Sharon: I don't know, Stan, but it's Charlie's room for now. You want her to feel at home, don't you?

Stan: What, you mean we should get someone to beat her up and keep her in the backyard?

Sharon: Stanley!

Stan: Fine, whatever. I just don't want her to feel too much at home. She doesn't live here.

Sharon: Go get dressed, Stanley.

Stan: Right? She doesn't actually live here, does she? I mean, she's just staying here until they find her dad. And they'll find him soon. Right?

Sharon: I don't know, sweetie, but honestly, I don't like your attitude. Charlotte has been through a lot over the past few weeks, and I would like you to show a little more support.

Stan (muttering): It'd be easier to be supportive if she wasn't sleeping in my room.

Meanwhile, upstairs in Stan's room, Charlie is dressed in a faded blue dress—a bit too big—with tights and old black dress shoes. She's still wearing her blue-green hat, and she still has some old bruises and scratches on her face. She's sitting at Stan's desk, looking out the window. Someone knocks at the door. Sharon comes in.

Sharon: Charlie, dear? How does Shelly's dress fit?

Charlie: Fine, Mrs. Marsh. Thanks.

Sharon: This is a big day for you. Are you nervous?

Charlie shrugs.

Sharon: Well, we'll be leaving in about fifteen minutes.

She leaves. A few seconds later, Stan enters the room. Charlie stands up.

Charlie: Oh, hi Stan. Are you looking for something?

Stan (rummaging through the closet): Yeah, just my nice shoes. [He suddenly looks at her.] Are you wearing a dress?

Charlie (embarrassed): Yeah, just one of Shelly's old ones. Your mom—

Stan starts laughing. Charlie gets mad.

Charlie: Shut up!

Stan (laughing): Dude, you look ridiculous. You look like a boy in a dress.

Charlie: Shut up! I do not!

Stan: Whatever, dude. [He suddenly notices something.] Oh my God!

He pulls an action figure out of the back of the closet. One of its arms is missing. Charlie turns around so her back faces him. She looks nervous. Glaring, Stan looks at her.

Stan: Charlie? Would you care to explain this to me, please?

Charlie (pretending to be distracted): Huh?

Stan: My G.I. Joe. What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie: Um… your what?

Stan: Damn it, don't play stupid! What happened to my G.I. Joe?

Charlie turns to face him and sighs.

Charlie: I—It was an accident.

Stan: Damn it Charlie! Where is his arm?

Stan starts rummaging through the closet. Charlie uncomfortably holds onto one of her arms and looks at the floor.

Charlie: It was dark and I was walking to the bed and it was on the ground and I stepped on it. I'm really sorry.

Stan: What did you do with his fucking arm?

Charlie (sheepishly): Um, it should be back in the closet somewhere. If it's any help, it really, really hurt my foot.

Stan (holding up the missing arm): Yeah. Thanks. I feel so much better. [He turns around and glares at Charlie.] You know, you are really starting to piss me off.

Charlie looks a little upset, but she doesn't say anything.

Stan: I hardly even knew you and you had to go and march into my house and steal my room and break my G.I. Joe. And now I'm stuck sharing a room with Shelly. This is my house, not yours! You can't just steal my room and wreck my stuff!

Charlie (rubbing her hands together anxiously): I… I didn't mean to, Stan.

Stan (sighing): I know. But seriously… you'd better find your dad soon and get the hell out of my house.

Sharon (calling from downstairs): Charlie! Stanley! Come on, it's time to go!

Stan glares at Charlie before the two walk out of the room.

The scene opens to a courtroom in South Park. There is soft murmuring throughout the room. Just then, the bailiff announces:

Bailiff: All rise for the honorable Judge Fagot.

Bailiff sniggers as people in the courtroom stand up. In one row are (in order) Ms. Cartman, Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Stan, Mr. and Sharon, and Shelly. Cartman laughs at the judge's name too.

Ms. Cartman: What's so funny, dear?

Cartman: The… hehe… the judge's name is all, like… hehe…

Kenny, Kyle, Stan, and Randy snicker too. Sharon rolls her eyes.

Shelly: You guys are all immature assholes! I can't believe I'm actually here. This is retarded.

The judge sits down and bangs the gavel.

Judge: Order in the court! This court is now in session.

Charlie is sitting uncomfortably in a chair in the front, looking at the ground. Gerald Broflovski sits next to her; he's her lawyer. Mrs. Pierzynski is the defendant. She looks nervous.

Judge: All right, so it appears that this sick-ass woman (points to Mrs. Pierzynski) is on trial for child abuse. You sicken me. People like you should be locked up and euthanized when no one's paying attention. You disgusting fiend. You little slut. Why, if I had it my way—

Bailiff nudges him in the arm.

Judge: Um, yes. Ahem. So, what does the defendant plea?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Innocent by reason of temporary insanity, your honor.

Judge: Oh, give me a break. Do we have a psychiatric expert here? [Courtroom is silent]. Anyone? No? Let's assume you're lying then. Jury, she's lying; take that into consideration.

Gerald to Charlie: That's good, that's good… Points to us, Charlotte, points to us. We have this case in the bag.

A bit later, Gerald is speaking for Charlie.

Gerald: Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to open by letting you know that I took on this case for absolutely no fee. Pro bono. Consider this community service. In fact, I turned down a man who could have possibly been a major client to further indulge in this case.

Jimbo (in the back of the courtroom): It's true. He did.

Gerald: And, ladies and gentlemen, do you know why I did that?

Silence. One man coughs.

Gerald: Because I believe so firmly that a woman like this [points at Mrs. Pierzynski] should not be out on the streets. She should be locked away and never released. This woman is evil. Absolute evil. Evil incarnate.

Charlie glances at her mother, then at the boys. Kenny gives a thumbs-up.

Soon after, Kyle, a witness, is called up.

Gerald (whispering to him): Just act natural.

Mrs. Pierzynski: He's telling him what to say! He's giving him a script!

Judge: Shut up, you shrew! All right, son, proceed.

Gerald: So, Kyle, tell us about how you found Charlotte.

Kyle: Um… kind of dead looking, I guess.

Gerald: More detail, Kyle. What exactly… happened?

Kyle: Well, I was going to her house to… you know, to visit, so when I came in, her mom wasn't there, just her… little sister, so I found her lying in her own puke, and then… and then I threw up in the bathroom and then I called 9-1-1. Then I waited outside with her little brother and sister. And that's basically it.

Gerald: Do you know of anything HAPPENING to Charlotte BEFORE you found her?

Kyle: Well, I… um…

He glances at Charlie. She looks at her mom then back at him, and shrugs slightly.

Kyle: Well, yeah. I knew about… um… stuff.

Gerald: What kind of "stuff"?

Kyle: Bad stuff. I saw her mom yell at her and hit her. Charlie told me that her mom had hit her before; I guess it happened for awhile. [Pause] I have to go to the bathroom and throw up now.

Judge: You're dismissed.

Kyle: Thanks, your honor.

Gerald: Thank you, Kyle, for that incredibly articulate recount. May the next witness, Mrs. McCormick, stand up please?

Mrs. McCormick comes up in her "I'm with stupid" T-shirt.

Gerald: All right, Mrs. McCormick. You claim you saw the defendant running away from the house just before Miss Charlie Pierzynski was discovered unconscious on the ground?

Mrs. McCormick: Yes sir, I sure as hell did.

Gerald: Please recall in as much detail as possible the events of that afternoon.

Mrs. McCormick: Well, after Kenny died, I was busy cleanin' out his room, like I do every time he passes. So while I was doing that, I heard screaming from next door. Pierzynski over here told me early on that her kid screamed a lot, but I'd heard so much weeping and screaming from that house that I walked right over to tell her to shut her kid up. But she was running out of the house. So I told her to get the hell away from my property, and she ran right away. Then I went back inside and made waffles for dinner. The ambulances came then. So I went and got myself some popcorn and gin and watched the whole thing from my front yard in a folding chair.

Gerald: That's all?

Mrs. McCormick: Wait, I—

There is a long pause.

Mrs. McCormick: Yeah, that's all.

Gerald: Thank you, Mrs. McCormick. The prosecution calls its next witness, Dr. Tom Ripley, to the stand.

The doctor from the previous episode goes to the witness box.

Gerald: Thanks for being here today, Doctor.

Doctor: Thanks for having me.

Gerald: Now, you are the doctor who treated Charlie Pierzynski after the recent assault, correct?

Doctor: Yes, that's correct.

Gerald: Could you describe your patient's condition when she entered your care?

Doctor: Yes… But… But it won't be easy. It was pretty bad.

Gerald: Go on.

Doctor: You see, when little Charlotte entered my care, she was covered in bruises and scrapes which she appeared to have acquired over the past several months. She had an untreated broken nose from around a week before, and two of her fingers had sustained minor fractures over the past several months, also untreated. Her…Her breathing was labored. We had her hooked up to a respirator. She was unconscious from head trauma. [He starts to sniffle.] And she…she had potentially lethal levels of peroxide in her body, which she had ingested just an hour before I first began to work with her.

He starts crying pathetically. The judge and Gerald stare at him awkwardly.

Judge: Come on, man, pull yourself together!

Doctor: I…I'm sorry. It's just that no matter how many of these horrific cases I encounter, I never cease to be shocked by man's capacity for cruelty.

He continues weeping.

Gerald: Um… Do you have anything more to add?

Doctor: Sniff… No… No that's all. Wait, there is one thing… [He stands and points at Mrs. Pierzynski.] You whore! You demon of Hell! Return to the fiery pit from whence you came!

No one says anything for a moment.

Gerald: Thank you, Doctor. Now, with your honor's permission, I'd like to bring up my final witness. Would Charlie Pierzynski please approach the stand?

Charlie walks up and sits on the box.

Gerald: So, Charlotte, tell us what your mom did to you that resulted in your trip to the hospital.

Charlie: Um… Do I have to?

Gerald: If you want to see justice, then yes, you have to.

Charlie: Um… Well, she hit me. A little. And then… um… and then…

Gerald (leaning in): If you tell us everything right now, that woman will go to jail and she'll never be able to hurt you again. Come on, Charlie. I know you can do it.

There is a pause for a moment. Charlie seems to be thinking.

Charlie (loudly): Well, it all started when I was five. That's when Dad went on business trips every weekend. Mom got mad, so she had a bad temper. She started hitting me, and she would grab my hair to catch me when I tried to run away. So I cut my hair. You hear that, ladies and gents of the jury? My mom hit me so much that I cut my hair so she couldn't pull on it anymore! Is that abuse or what?

There are murmurs from the jury. Charlie looks please with herself.

Charlie: And then, and then, and then she started hitting me harder and she gave me a black eye, so we had to move. My teacher got suspicious. I moved about ten times in the last three years. Is that a shitty life or what?

Random man in the jury: That's a shitty life.

Charlie: After Davy was born, Dad came home less and less. And we moved without telling him. I don't even know how that's possible, but we did. Anyway, one day while my mom was kicking my ass, some kids from school came to the backyard, and they saw. And one of them told the guidance counselor.

Kyle looks down.

Charlie: And when the counselor called my mom about it, you know what she did? She punched me in the face and fed me bleach! Literally! Out of a bottle! She just fed me peroxide! Like a pimple! Or the hair of a chain smoker! (Standing up) My mom is evil and you'd better put her in jail or you will suffer the consequences. I will find you. I will personally come to each of your houses and kill your families!

Gerald: Um, okay, that's enough, Charlie.

Charlie: Kill! You hear me? I will kill your families! I hope you sleep well tonight. Thank you.

Judge: …Okay. You're dismissed.

Charlie goes back to her seat, looking proud. Then she stops smiling and suddenly looks kind of worried. Meanwhile, the boys are cheering, along with a few others in the courtroom.

Cartman: That kicked ass! I wish I could talk about my mom like that!

At the end of the trial...

Man from the Jury: This jury hereby declares Mrs. Jane Pierzynski guilty on seven counts of child abuse and one count of attempted murder.

Courtroom cheers. Charlie looks down.

Judge: Then I hereby sentence Jane Pierzynski to forty-four years in prison with possibility of parole. How do you like that, bee-yotch?

Mrs. Pierzynski: Well, I-

Judge: This court is dismissed. Go now in peace to love and serve the Lord by always loving and serving each other.

All stare at him.

Judge: Get the fudge out of here.