'This is a very emotional chapter. Lots of angst and sorrow. Lots of suffering. It was very hard for me to write considering my personal situation but also, in a way, it was kinda therapeutic for me.
Anyway, lol *exhales* I will stop rattling on now so you can read the chapter. I hope you like it.'
Chapter Seven
"This is really good, thank you." Emily gushed with a grin before stuffing some more bacon into her mouth.
Derek sent her a smile, sipping on his coffee but he was shaking his head at her.
"What?" Emily quizzed with a laugh and he nodded to the strip of bacon between her fingertips.
"That ain't bacon." He declared confidently, "That is some burnt up shit, Em."
She gawked at the absurdity then rolled her eyes, "It's crispy bacon, Derek." Emily corrected smartly then cringed, "I can't stand all that stringy fat." She explained with a shudder, "I like the crunch."
Derek snorted, "Black ain't crispy. Black is burned."
With a glance at her clearly not blackened pig, Emily snapped some off between her teeth with a smirk, "You, are exaggerating, Derek Morgan. It's not blackened, that would be burned bacon." She shook her head at him, "No-one likes burnt bacon fool." She popped the last of it into her mouth and he shuddered, face all screwed up in disgust.
"Burned." Derek persisted stubbornly and Emily dropped both hands to the Island counter-top into frustration.
He gave a casual shrug in response to her annoyance, "Truth."
Shaking her head with a laugh, Emily arched a perfect brow at her partner, "You do realise we have this very same debate every time you see me eating bacon?" she pointed out with a coy smirk as she made her way around both him and the Island to the sink.
Derek nodded, twisting around to follow her, "Yeah and I'ma keep on sayin' it until you start eatin' bacon the right way."
Emily snorted, flipping on the faucet and bending over to open the dishwasher.
Biting his lip, Derek tilted his head when she did and quietly groaned. His partner honestly had no idea just how good she could make a pair of denim jeans look.
Clearing his throat and swallowing thickly when his thoughts became a little too vivid, Derek tried to push the images from his mind, focusing on a much more pressing matter, "Hey, Em?"
"Hmm?" she hummed in reply, still going about her task of unloading the dishwasher.
Derek abandoned his half-empty mug, "Can we talk about last night?"
Emily stilled plate in the air and had to swallow hard before she could breathe again.
He cocked his head, watching her closely. He knew exactly what she was thinking about in that moment.
"Um...sure." she answered tightly, voice strained with nerves, "What a-about it?" Emily cringed as the question left her lips. It sounded lame—it was lame but she needed to know which aspect he was referring too.
Derek hesitated. He wasn't quite sure which can of worms he wanted to crack open first.
"The nightmares..." he started decisively and Emily's eyes fell closed with a wince.
"...they always that intense?"
Lips pursed, she glanced at him over her shoulder reluctant to answer. She wasn't exactly eager to talk about this particular subject matter either. It was a question of which was the lesser of two evils and right now that answer was unclear.
"Emily?" Derek called again, gently prodding her.
With a sigh, Emily turned to him and rested her hands behind her on the counter top, expression guarded, "Must we open that can of scorpions right now?" she wondered tightly, a glimmer of something that vaguely resembled fear in her dark chocolate eyes.
He nodded simply, "Yes."
Emily groaned, throwing her head back in abhorrence.
"I'm sorry, Em..." Derek apologised, smoothly still not letting it go, "...but after last night I gotta ask." He dipped his head to catch her eye.
She swallowed uncomfortably and rolled her shoulders, "I—sometimes, yeah." Emily reluctantly answered, her voice quiet, gaze averted.
Derek frowned deeply, hands on his knees. He wanted to go to her but forced himself to remain in the stool. She needed her space right now. Instead he sought, "Why didn't you say anythin'? You could've come to me."
She shrugged, "It's my problem, I'm dealing with it." was her less than pleasing answer.
"But I'm your partner, Emily." Derek argued, rising to his feet unconsciously, sounding slightly angered by her lack of action, "More importantly I'm your friend."
Licking her lips, Emily closed her eyes then looked up into his, "I know." She acknowledged in a whisper, guilt swimming within her dark pools, "But I just—" Emily broke off abruptly, shaking her head and looking to the ceiling.
"What?" Derek prompted gently, taking one small step closer yet keeping noticeable distance between them. His hands twitched with the desire to touch her.
Emily inhaled shakily, swallowing hard, "I..." she cleared her throat and blinked, "I just wanted things to go back to normal, Derek. As naive as that is..." Emily observed herself, rolling her eyes, "...I wanted to believe it was possible. Stupid, I know but I don't like talking about that stuff, Derek." She looked away, growing tense, "It's...hard and—it's just easier to pretend it didn't happen at all."
Derek moved slowly closer, watching her carefully while he did. She seemed to unconsciously shift toward him so he took that as a green light, sliding closer. He ghosted his fingers over her left wrist and she shivered at his touch.
"It's not healthy too keep it all inside, Emily." Derek chastised her quietly, dark hazel orbs full of concern, "You gotta talk about the hard stuff or it'll never get any easier."
That actually made her smile wryly. Derek Morgan had a unique way of making the most difficult task sound oh-so simple.
It both marvelled and infuriated her.
He tilted his head at her curiously.
Emily's smile grew a little, "You just make it sound so simple."
Derek chuckled lightly, enclosing his fingers around her wrist, "Sometimes it can be...that or you can make it easier by asking for help."
Her smile faltered at the stressing of that word. Sure, she'd made that deal with Hotch regarding any 'bad days' she has but to be honest, as far as he was concerned she wasn't having any.
"You can always talk to me, Emily." Derek promised her sincerely, "I got your back, you know that." he reminded her tightly, his intense gaze boring into her, "We're partners and best friends and there ain't no-one I trust more than you, Princess."
He moved his hands to her elbows and tugged her just a hint closer, feeling an overwhelming need to protect and shield her from the whole world.
Emily willingly went closer, exhaling sharply.
Derek tilted his head again and sent her a loving smile, "I'm here for you no matter what. Emily there's nothin' you could ever say or do to change that." He touched a finger to her chin, tilting her head upright so he could stare into her soul, "I don't care how dark it gets, I wanna know all of you, do you understand?"
Emily pressed her lips firmly together, eyes stinging at his words and drew in an unsteady breath. She was speechless and far too overcome with relief and gratitude and a thousand other emotions to form words.
Derek mistook her silence for disbelief, "Hey, you can't scare me away, Emily Prentiss. I'm yours alright?"
With that he stole her breath and she shook head against the onslaught of emotions crushing her chest. Emily closed her eyes and a single tear escaped.
He frowned at her tear, swiping it gently away with the pad of his thumb, "Do you hear me? I'm. Yours." Derek repeated, his voice taking on a desperate edge, eyes shining with love and moisture.
Drawing in breath, Emily slowly opened her eyes and gazed at him, lips parted. She couldn't find her voice, it just wouldn't work. There were no words she could say to him that would accurately express her gratitude and love for him so instead of trying Emily pushed up onto her toes and wrapped her arms around his neck as tightly as she possible could.
Derek blinked in surprise at both the action and the force behind her embrace. Without a word though, he encircled her waist and pulled her as close to him as humanly possible given they were two separate people.
Left hand fisting his t-shirt, the right resting on the back of his neck, Emily pressed a kiss to her partner's jaw.
"Don't ever let me go, Derek Morgan." She commanded in a breathless whisper, eyes expelling more tears, "And please don't ever leave me because—" Emily's words caught in her throbbing throat and she had to pause; closing her eyes and drawing a breath, "I honestly do not know what I'd do without you in my life."
Derek's heart lurched in his chest, aching at the fear in her voice. He swallowed hard and rubbed her back then he grasped her hips to push her out so he could see her face, look into her eyes.
She shook her head vigorously when he attempted to move her, instead pressing herself further into him and locking her arms around his neck. She hid her face.
She was just so tired. She hadn't felt safe since she'd returned and there was all this pressure to be okay, to be normal so everyone could more on. Declan was a mess, Tom was angry, her relationship with her mother was in ruins, Emily herself was a grief-stricken, emotional wreck.
There were monsters and demons in her head that she couldn't escape but didn't have the will-power to fight anymore. She was barely sleeping or sleeping too much, her scars still ached at times and she could no longer look at her body without feeling intensely nauseated by the sight of it.
Emily Prentiss was falling apart and losing herself, in the process of going insane—at least she felt like she was. Every day was a bad day, every day was a battle but she couldn't tell Aaron that or he'd take her job and god, she needed her job, so she lied. She lied to her boss and her friends—her family despite the hatred she felt lying to them.
Everything was such a fucking disaster and she didn't know where to start. Emily needed help, she needed help so badly. She couldn't be alone with this anymore, it was killing her.
"Okay." Derek breathed when it was clear that leaving his arms wasn't what she wanted, "Okay, Princess. I got you. I got you." He tightened his hold and buried his left hand in her hair, "Talk to me."
Emily just sobbed and tried to keep breathing, "I need you, Derek." She told him quietly, less than a whisper right in his ear, "I need you okay? Always. I don't—I can't do this on my own anymore, I can't!"
Derek closed his eyes, muscles tensing, heart breaking. She sounded so exhausted and desperate, so broken there in his arms. He felt as if he was literally holding her together with his own two hands. It frightened him.
"I'm not okay, Derek." Emily cried, sounding almost ashamed by her confession. Her voice was thick and coated with tears, chocked up in that way a voice got when one was fighting violent sobs. Her chest was tight with them.
"I-I'm s-scared, Derek." Emily whimpered brokenly, "I, need, help."
"Then I'll help you." Derek promised immediately, voice strained and catching, "Whatever you need, however long it takes, Emily. I'll help you. I—" his voice failed him and his own tears fell.
She was just in so much pain, he couldn't stand it. She was breaking his heart. It hurt him.
"I've got you, okay? You don't have to be scared anymore, I'm right here." Derek assured her hoarsely, dropping a kiss to her shoulder, "I'm never lettin' you go and I will never leave you, Emily Prentiss." He pledged to her with all the certainty in the world, dropping another kiss to her shoulder, "Never."
"Good." Emily managed to croak out, "I won't get past this without you." She concluded before the sobs beat her down and made their violent escape.
In that moment, Derek Morgan felt another piece of his soul die for Emily Prentiss.
"You're gonna be okay, Em. I promise you this, I'm gonna make it so."
~CM~
'It was important to me to have Emily audibly ask Derek for help. That's really hard to do, even when you know yourself that you desperately need it. Admitting that kind of defeat, being that vulnerable and honest with another person, it's so very hard to do. Opening up to anyone is difficult but when it involves something so delicate and intimate like your mental health, it's utterly terrifying.
No-one likes nor wants to appear weak, especially not to the ones they love and care about. Those closest to us mean everything and that's why we can be so fearful of telling them the truth, confessing weakness, asking for help.
I hope, for Emily's sake, her experience is far better than mine.
Please review. Be honest.
I love you guys!
Rachel xoxo'