Hi everyone! I'm back with a new chapter! Yay! Once again, it's raining while I write this, which makes it special. I'm also listening to Lilium (What2callmyself: You're welcome!!), a song I love hearing when it rains, (which W2cm burned on a CD for me) and it may get more special, as my s key isn't working right, and the only time I can use it is when I remove it, so I'll have to type with the key off. Boooooo. Well, nothing I can do, so we'll start. Scribble, take it away!

Scribble: We do not own Saiyuki and we probably never will.

Lost Lives

Chapter 5: Epiphany

Inside the cave, Sanzo sat staring out into the rain, miserable again. Goku sat near him, watching him, getting more and more agitated. Finally, unable to take it anymore, he sat down by him, almost on top of him, and the monk looked down at him angry. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Sitting," Goku told Sanzo.

"There are about five hundred other places to sit! Pick one of them!"

"No!"

"Then why do you have to pick on top of me?"

"Why can't I?"

"I swear if you don't answer me right now, I'm going to-"

"Because I care about you! And I hate to see you sitting here hating yourself like this!"

Needless to say, Sanzo was stunned at Goku's outburst. He had never really thought about it before, but as he did, he understood what Goku meant. After all, he did hate himself. He hated himself for a lot of things. He hated himself because he had been too weak to protect his master. He hated himself because he resorted to running away after Komyou's death and fell into sin. He hated how he would have loved to end his own life but was too cowardly to do so. And as of late, he hated how he couldn't seem to do anything for Goku. Maybe that was why Goku would be happier somewhere else with someone else. Konzen. Sanzo swallowed and he realized he felt like he had a huge lump in his throat, and he didn't know why.

And then Goku did something he never did before that shocked Sanzo beyond all belief. He climbed up into his lap and rested his head against his caretaker's chest. Sanzo could only sit there frozen in shock. "I don't want you to hate yourself. You're the most important person in the whole world to me."

Sanzo once again felt like he was swallowing a huge lump.

"I've always wondered something though. You told me you were going to find somewhere for me to go, but when you came back, you told me I could stay with you. What made you change your mind?"

Sanzo remembered that time. "I went to the Three Aspects to see where there would be a home for you, but when I told them, they said that you weren't even a demon, but some kind of monster. I told them that couldn't be, that you were only a tiny, stupid bottomless pit of a child. And at that moment, I also realized I was the only one who would be able to care for you."

"You saw me for what I really was," Goku said softly. "So what do you think I am now?"

"A stupid bottomless pit of a brat," Sanzo answered without missing a beat.

"But you don't think I'm a monster?" Goku asked looking up at him.

Sanzo looked down in his ward's golden eyes. "No. Never."

Goku leaned his head back against Sanzo's chest, smiling, and a few tears fell from his eyes. "When I was back in the cave, when I first saw you…the sun was shining right behind you, and as I looked out, I thought that you were glowing. That the light was coming from you. You looked just like the sun, and I thought you were the sun. You were. You are. You're still my sun."

Sanzo had another lump to swallow, and he felt tears coming to his eyes. The words Goku had yelled at him only a few days earlier came back to hit at full force.

"If I knew in the cave that you would treat me like this, I would've told you to leave me there!"

'Why did you call for me?' Sanzo wondered, lowering his head so he was he looking directly into Goku's hair. 'I admit I was lonely, but it was better than having to lose someone I cared for. So why did you keep calling until I finally came? You think I'm cruel? Goku, you're the cruel one.'

"If I knew in the cave that you would treat me like this, I would've told you to leave me there!"

'You're the one who made me love you just so you could leave!' Sanzo's last thought hurt the most and he finally let the tears fall.

He loved Goku. The little monkey looked up to him like a father, and slowly became the only one who could ever break through the boundaries of Sanzo' heart one by one. He was the only one who managed to worm his way into Sanzo's cold and lonely heart. And now he was going to lose him.

He had known from the beginning that Goku would leave one day, and he shouldn't get attached to him. But it hadn't worked out as he thought it would. And Goku stayed for too long at his side, just as Hakkai had said. And Sanzo had hoped, in a small way, that Goku wouldn't leave, that he would stay with him always. He knew it was stupid, but Goku was the only one he truly cared for, and to lose someone that important again…

He was going to lose him. Goku had a family, and he belonged with them. And Sanzo realized he didn't know how he would say goodbye. He didn't know how he could say goodbye. It would break his heart to have to leave Goku there. But Sanzo had no right to keep him from them.

'Why?' he thought as he let his tears fall into Goku's hair. 'Why did you make me care about you? What was so special about me that it was me you called? You'd probably be a hundred times happier with someone- anyone- else, so why did you call me?'

"If I knew in the cave that you would treat me like this, I would've told you to leave me there!"

'Why would you put up with me, keep caring despite my moods and outbursts, love me until I ended up loving you so you could leave me now? Did you want to do this to me? I know I wasn't the perfect guardian. I know I messed up. I know I really didn't have a clue on how to take care of you. But I really did give it my all. I really did try to teach you the best I could. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but even still, I don't deserve to be punished like this!'

He heard Goku snoring gently. He could never ask Goku the questions running through his mind. And he knew he had to let Goku go, even if it killed him inside. He lifted his head so his tears wouldn't fall on the young boy anymore, and instead just stroked his hair, knowing soon he wouldn't be able to do it ever again and fell into a restless sleep.

The Next Day

Goku was running ahead of Sanzo again and he looked back to get a good look at his guardian. Sanzo looked terrible. He woke up grumbling about a headache, but he must've not gotten enough sleep, because his eyes were bleary and he looked like a mess. He had really not been himself at all these last few days, and Goku was sure it had to do with what he had told him that night. Sanzo had been way off ever since that night. Goku once again wished he could take it back if it would make Sanzo feel better. He decided to try something different. "Sanzo, you're such a slowpoke!" he teased.

"I am not, I just didn't sleep well last night."

"Come on," he whined, going back and taking Sanzo's hand. "After all, the sooner we find out, the sooner we go back, right?"

Sanzo stared a moment. Goku had said 'we'. He remembered what Hakkai told him, and a part of him felt a little hopeful again. "Just keep going, saru."

Goku decided to ignore the nickname, because Sanzo looked a little better already. He smiled, glad to have Sanzo back, and the two pushed on, Goku leading the way.

Scribble: Wow, that chapter actually made me sad.

Me: I know, I was almost crying while writing it. Must be the rain.

Scribble: And the fact you're listening to a sad song.

Me: Yeah, that too. Well, friends, here's the latest from your truly. There will be two more chapters…one really long ending chapter, and then a short epilogue. That being said, the next chapter will take some time for me to type it, so it may take a while, but never fear, for I will finish it! Thanks for reading, and more thanks if you review! Con crit and good reviews are loved by me as always. Long Live the Sanzo-ikkou!

-titangirl161